bento box

7/22

2010-07-22T07:53:00.003-05:00

Today is July 22nd. I flip to my calendar and see that I have about 3 weeks left.
I had several goals set out for this summer, one of which was to cleanse myself of relationships that weren't working and find someone new. And I am half way there.
My heart is closed to the past and open to the future.

Sometimes I feel the winds of change just around the corner. I see a glint of possibility only to watch them retreat and disappear. Then the measuring stick of comparison comes out. I watch everyone around me happily coupling off, taking fabulous trips and doing exciting things.. and I remain solo. As if asking someone to go out with me isn't hard enough, it is worse to be rejected over and over again.
So, I stopped asking.

I am trying to look forward to an event planned that will be fun. But things just don't seem all that exciting knowing I will be going alone. As much as I love the adventure, I am weary of traveling by myself.

Still, after 2 disastrous trips with guys, I vowed that I won't do that again until he is the right one. THE one.

It has been a disappointing summer on many levels. I suppose this was the summer to let go of the people that were going nowhere in my life and make way for the new.

If only fate could speed up that process.
If only....

looking forward...to the end....

2010-04-20T20:58:00.002-05:00

Hello old friend.

It has been a long time. Thought I would catch you up to speed.
I had a dream last night.
Usually I don't remember my dreams, but this was one of those indelible dreams that stays with you for days, if not forever.
I am still uncertain to whether or not it was the end of the world, or just the end of MY world as I know it. Still there was a lot going on with flooding waters, sinking parking garages and people deciding to jump or drown. The freak show that ensued afterward that was my choice of jumping was no picnic, let me tell you. But watching the folks sitting on the sinking concrete disappear into the muddy waters below, was haunting. What does it all mean, I ask you?

Anyway, life buzzes by in such a blur. I spend too much time making plans for things that take relatively no time to do and it is over before I have a chance to enjoy or even reflect upon it. I am currently planning things for January and July and am missing the very things I planned back in December to enjoy now.

Must live in the now, you know?

here I am

2010-02-28T19:38:00.002-06:00

I am standing by the river
I will be standing here forever
Tho you're on the other side
My face you still can see
Why won't you look at me
Here l am

Today was a grey, gloomy Sunday here in South-Central Indiana. It's the time of year when folks give up the fight simply because it so damned depressing outside that one can only dream of summertime or kill oneself. The obit. section is littered with the faces of those who were unable to make it til spring.

I have a confession.
I have not posted in months.

But as Emmylou puts it...here I am...

I am searching thru the canyon
It is your name that I am calling
Tho you're so far away
I know you hear my plea
Why won't you answer me
Here I am

I am in the blood of your heart
The breath of your lung
Why do you run for cover
You are from the dirt of the earth
And the kiss of my mouth
I have always been your lover
Here I am

I am the promise never broken
And my arms are ever open
In this harbor calm and still
I will wait until
Until you come to me
Here I am

don't panic

2009-10-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

Oh, we're sinking like stones,

All that we fought for,

All those places we've gone,

All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,

Yeah we do, yeah we do,

We live in a beautiful world,

Oh, we're sinking like stones,

All that we fought for,

All those places we've gone,

All of us are done for.

We live in a beautiful world,

Yeah we do, yeah we do,

We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,

There's nothing here to run from,

And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

day 24

2009-10-06T11:30:00.004-05:00

"There’s a smell here that stands my hairs on end
Dog hair in the heater, gas pumps and cedar
And jackknifes on the nine
and seabirds choked on fishing line.."

I am not sure where I am these days. Day 24 and it's pretty much a done dealio. I have washed my hands of it and am pressing on. And just like all kicked habits, you wonder what in the fuck you were thinking to begin with. The ticker-- it's a delicate organ full of feeling that when shot through with holes you have no choice but to lie there and bleed or harden it again and lose a little more idealism about love, relationships, happiness, truth, trust.

"Clouds say hush but the chainsaws mush on to Custer and Columbia
Salty tentacles shrink in the sun but the red tide is over
The mollusks they have won

There’s a smell here of gravel and cigarettes lit
When the match made them sweet
When the engine turned over and beat up our street.."

Sigh. I will never be okay. I will never be good enough. This is the way it is. How many years has it been now? There is no more changing after trying like hell to change. This is it. This is all there is.

"Oh, that was the day
To remember

I remember because of the fires that leapt
From the caves of the things that have not happened yet
When I think of it now they smell to me quite sinister

I want to go back and die at the drive in
Die before strangers can say
I hate the rain
I hate the rain..."

I miss him

2009-09-24T11:52:00.002-05:00

it's been 12 days. Not sure if the rain compounds the lonely feeling or if the flat-out void of a person just blows through me like a winter wind.

so we busy ourselves with life and avoid feeling; we curl our lips at lovers and institutions that no longer work for us; we deny ourselves the purging of feeling and instead congregate with other like-minded, burned individuals who all essentially are looking for the same thing: love.

its always in the fall, too, making it the dreariest, loneliest and hardest of seasons for me.
someone please wake me when its summer again.

by the sea

2009-08-16T17:40:00.005-05:00

I used to start with a short stanza of a poem on my blogs. But I have found in the past four or so years that poetry doesn't speak to me anymore. I value the lyrics of my favorite songwriters to divulge their poetry to me and whisper in my earbud. Tweedy says it best-- "music is my savior. and i was maimed/tamed by rock and roll."

It has been a long time. I scanned the old blog-o-sphere and smiled to myself. We have all grown up, thank God. Apart. What a tremendous pontificating went on here. I am glad to say I have made the switch to an even lesser form of the written word by subscribing to the dreaded facebook. Still, it is a way to manage relationships with people that you otherwise would not be communicating. It is easy and fast and well, universal.

I have grown up. I can feel it and I am so glad. It took me long enough though. Pushing 40 I am SO damn glad to be moving on. So--a great summer. I guess it is time for a farewell to summer since we stared back to work last week. I know--it's only the 2nd week of August. People in Indiana are dumb and they need all the learning and re-learning they can get. So--back to werk.

I managed to make time to set goals and achieve all of them this summer. Home improvement, mind, spirit and body improvement and lots of time with the only person that I should focus on: my girl time.

So last summer was the summer of the desert. This was the summer of water. I managed to work my way solo up to Niagara and OT and biked the river out to the falls--50 miles round trip. Never been there-- was lovely and a religious experience passing under the falls in the mists. I loved every minute of it.

I also trekked up to the dunes indiana-michigan for a spiritual immersion. The waters were calling and the northern cool waters won.

I am well. I am centered and grounded and focused and strong. Very strong. I don't take shit from anyone anytime.

It's a great place to be. Can't wait to be 40.

Ciao.

the slow road to recovery

2009-06-16T07:13:00.006-05:00

32 days.
The loss of someone whether living or dead always throws me into a strange, empty place. It feels not quite living fully but obviously not functioning well.

As the skies darken, cloud up and prepare for another series of rainstorms, my heart is heavy with feelings of inadequacy as the patterns that appear with each failed relationship resurface. I marvel at the buoyancy of these men who seem to be moving on unfazed by the lack of my presence in their lives. We are fed this line that every person is special and a gift to the world. I don't believe that is true. It seems that some of us are just obstacles, conquests, or just here to guide others but are not ever fully understood, appreciated or loved.
The defense mechanisms we build up to protect ourselves run deep and instead of trusting others or relying on others, it is far safer to step away and remain aloof with our intimacies and feelings.

I am hoping there is some sort of higher purpose for me, as it seems these exchanges with the opposite sex are futile. Yet, as I continue the search for meaning, my heart and mind reflect back to these men--all now happily invested in other relationships--married with children, living together in bliss, soon-to-be-married.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. I am just to the point of questioning why I continue to put myself out there knowing the end result will be the same, again and again.

Guess it's time to find higher ground.

Not Too Late

2009-06-10T10:01:00.001-05:00

Tell me how you've been,
Tell what you've seen,
Tell me that you'd like to see me too.

'cause my heart is full of no blood,
My cup is full of no love,
Couldn't take another sip even if I wanted.

But it's not too late,
Not too late for love.

My lungs are out of air,
Yours are holding smoke,
And it's been like that for so long.

I've seen people try to change,
And I know it isn't easy,
But nothin' worth the time ever is.

And it's not too late,
It's not too late for love,
For love,
For love,
For love.

it all comes down to..

2009-05-18T15:07:00.004-05:00

..what's going to work right now.

to everything, turn turn turn.

2009-05-12T15:39:00.003-05:00

It has been some time since I have had time or even the desire to write.
Granted, I am not a writer by trade. In fact, I suck at it it.
I also feel that writing in this place, under these circumstances dictates that I censor what I write.

I mool over the prospect of writing a memoir someday given the circumstances. Still, I suppose others' have had the same, if not more sordid tales to tell than my tame story.

Call it purging; call it grieving; call it exploiting; call it making peace with myself...it is a book that must be written some day.

Our stories all start out the same. The exposition and rising action follows...but it isn't until the climactic moment and the denouement that our stories diverge.

I have no ping.

2009-04-14T20:53:00.004-05:00

10 pm. act 1 run.
After the torture talk on the way home, I decided to make matters worse by reviewing the past and reminding myself of why I am here in the present... staring the future in the face and wanting to change everything.

the tears flow. it has been awhile since I felt anything but exhaustion, rage, rejection, doubt so it is a welcome change.

oh, the holding pattern sucks. as does the disappointment of hope. I lack the skill, the monetary means, the time or drive to make a change.
But I need to. so much. I need to make a change.

I am a failure. I am unworthy. I am a place holder.

Still, I want to understand what about me is not good enough? Why do I remain a single seat in the front row for my favorite show?

I feel cheated and betrayed, lied to and pacified.

When do things start going my way?
How long must I live in this shadow?

"You Who Never Arrived"

2009-03-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me-- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and unsuspected
turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house--, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image. Who knows?
perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

Rainer Maria Rilke

the painful paradox

2009-02-21T14:40:00.005-06:00

"She met him at a fireworks display..." Tobias Wolff starts off in his short story entitled "Face to Face" fm In The Garden of the North American Martyrs. Good reading on a cold winter's day.

I have been thinking.

How does it turn into the happy ending? What is the happy ending? How does my story go? So far, a tragedy--or is it more of a murder mystery? It could become a murder mystery. Is it better to live an uneventful, quiet life with regret or a complicated one where one lives the highs and the lows?

When posed the question, "Do you hope to settle down with someone?" my first reaction is, "And change my way of life as I know it? I don't think I am ready."

Am I willing to give up the freedom that I have at this moment? Or does love change all of that? And at what cost? What kinds of compromises would have to be made?

The idea of starting over with someone terrifies me. And not so much because of the aforementioned so much as considering investing in that kind of relationship again and then it not working out.

Leslie Feist writes, "the saddest part of a broken heart, isn't the ending so much as the start.." (fm. Let It Die)
I would have to agree with that. Still, the thrill, the hope and actual possibility that there is someone out there to fill in the void makes it worth the risk...until it ends. And it always ends badly.

I suppose having this talk with myself reminds me that I have a long way to go. I give too much too easily and to the wrong people. My timing is always off.

I hope you are out there. I am waiting for you.

Chill Factor

2009-02-11T08:14:00.000-06:00

She’s getting older
Yeah, she’s getting wise
But a change has changed the girl
Gone’s the sparkle from her eyes

She wants to be a good mother
So she’ll do the best she can
But what about the other
What about the man

Well it’s cold to leave a woman
With family on her own
It’s chill factor
To the bone

Resignation
In her sighs
Is a sorry indication
Of how time
Can brutalise

Take away the hope
And the will will follow
Take away the faith
And goodbye tomorrow

Well it’s cold to leave a woman
With family on her own
It’s chill factor
To the bone

She had her dreams too
But how can she pursue
Her ambitions, be they great or small

You took her wings and flew
But remember when you’re through
Your rise was due
To somebody else’s fall

When the hard part’s over
And the kids are almost grown
You’ll be their big hero
Whenever you make it home
Shower them with presents
Things she could never buy
Delight them with your stories
About the great big, great big world outside
But dig -

It’s cold to leave a woman
With family on her own
It’s chill factor
Chill factor
To the bone

hold on hold on

2009-02-08T08:06:00.001-06:00

The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

In the end I was the mean girl
Or somebody's in-between girl
Now it's the devil I love
And that's as funny as real love....

"And Because Love Battles"

2009-02-04T05:26:00.005-06:00

I decided that I have been moving too fast and doing too much.
I opted out of the workout to write a little, because I feel if I don't put it someplace, I will literally self-destruct.

If you wish to read something uplifting or happy, go find another entry, because it won't be this one. My group would tell me I am feeling sorry for myself; that I should look at all the blessing in my life. OR, if I don't like the way things are going, change them. It could be worse, you may not have a job--or a leg.

I suppose all that unsolicited advice has its place. I am sure I have divvied out my pearls of wisdom from time to time--falling on deaf ear as well. Still, here I am again.

Lately I have had a hard time.
Call it dumb luck, carelessness, the usual bad timing, Mother Nature, fate, bad karma, Mercury Retrograde, the season, the day.. I feel that I have been cursed.

Things have shifted. I have shifted.

For a time I was feeling ok with myself--grounded, or at least working through my stuff. Then situations arise where I go back to self-doubt, beating oneself up, and asking myself, "What is wrong with me?"

I consider my family for a moment-- wishing that I had some kind of relationship with them that resembled normal. It would be nice to have someone to hold me and say it was going to be ok. I suppose that is what spouses are for. Or friends.

But I want something for myself. I want something pure and true-- and impossible.
I understand the eastern philosophy that you have to let things come to you. You must be open and receptive for those things to come. I have tried to be open and willing. And things have come...and gone.
And after 4 1/2 years I can't help but wonder what must change? What must I do?
How can be anything but who I am? How much longer must one wait? For life, for real companionship? For love? And at those moments--when my expectations are too high, when I am let down due to my own shortcomings, I feel myself turning wintry. Detached. I let go just a little more. Retreat into myself further. I insulate the wall even more.

To the outside world I will put on the face. Be as productive as I can and throw myself into my work. But inside, I am little more than a pulse with legs.

Here's to a warmer season...

And because love battles
not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women,
I will finish off by taking the path away
to those who between my chest and your fragrance
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where
it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love.

Pablo Neruda

synchronicity

2009-01-29T07:08:00.003-06:00

When I have a series of setbacks, or potential ones, I have to stop before things spiral out of hand.
There are things that are out of my control. Like the weather, for instance. Who would have expected a foot of snow to fall in less than 2 days?
Still, it has thrown my whole work schedule out of whack, contributed to a cracked windshield and a three day hiatus from tech rehearsals and the start of the choreography for the musical. Not to mention throwing my workout schedule completely off. I live by schedules and bells...

The idle time has been good in other areas; for it has forced me to slow down. I guess one could compare the paralysis to an injury of some kind, where the surgeon orders you to stay off your knee for six weeks until the wound heals.
I guess this is nature's way of healing me.

Lately I have noticed my anger has started to rise to the surface and with very little provoking. I hate the way I handle situations where I should be more rational and cool. Instead, I resort back to defense mode and shut down, or "slice and dice" the person towards which the anger is directed. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. And instead of just saying that, I act out.

Show is in 1 week. I have been known to perform miracles before--but this one I am not so sure.
Lots on my mind today. Hopefully a long run with my new (old) Michael Jackson as well as The Police Synchronicity will get the levels down to a more manageable place.

"..With one breath,
with one flow,
you will know:
Synchronicity.

A sweet trance,
a dream dance,
a shared romance:
Synchronicity..."

"your laughter"

2009-01-26T10:52:00.002-06:00

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.
fm. 'your laughter" by Pablo Nerudo

Here in the depths of winter, I find myself longing for the warmth of spring days. Usually with them comes the promise of new life or rebirth, and new beginnings.
For me, it starts with the scent of earth. She has a musky odor that saturates. I could breathe March air long into September.

The birds are another tell-tale sign for me. Their song changes to reflect the mating time and celebration of life...
(will write more later)

a week of strange overtones

2008-12-29T21:13:00.002-06:00

"Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

for you...

2008-12-27T12:45:00.001-06:00

your bird can sing

my longstanding love affair

2008-12-14T12:57:00.004-06:00

It is 45 degrees and rainy outside on a gloomy Sunday in December.
Most folks would be starting a fire in their main rooms, curling up to a good book, their significant other or football game...

But days like these make me restless. Depressed even.
So I find my most devoted friend.
We have been through much together--listened to my rantings and sobs; my pity parties and my personal triumphs.
Still, battered from a year of daily abuse, I reach for them.
We know each other intimately. The miles we have covered, the hours of road and cinder and YMCA trauma...

I am talking about my favorite pair of running shoes.
Sure, I got a new pair, but they just don't feel the same. If you are a runner maybe you can relate to my story:

So, today I fished the old pair out of my closet (My Achilles Heel: I cannot throw out running shoes or bathing suits), put on the running garb, and made a 3-mile trek across the usual trails. Ahhh..the soggy, puddle laden track. I curse having to side step the mess and lose my stride in the process...It's not the same as summer. I usually retire my outside routine until Mid March-or early April. But today I HAD to go.

There has been too much crap recently that the only way I find absolute clarity is to do a road run. It's a lot like confession, honestly. And as I move along, the only thing I feel present is my mind. Putting Thoreau (or was it Emerson who spoke of the head?) aside, The body below is long gone--the legs, feet, arms, chest...I feel nothing but what I am currently working through at the time. I am a talking head.

When I stop moving, I am light headed (and still am 20 minutes later) and slightly frost burned. My throat is raw and my knees scream at me.

But the time was well worth it. I love my old running shoes.
They help me through even the worst of times.

what are you doing NYE?

2008-12-08T16:03:00.000-06:00

......

cookie cutter

2008-11-25T15:23:00.001-06:00

Some days I can manage the stress on my own.
I do my best to look at all the positive things in my life--say that others have it way worse and that is enough. I have a great job, great students, I manage to pay my bills on time and have a little food to get through each week. I have a great daughter and a few close friends to share most victories and pratfalls.

But there are days.

There are days when it takes everything that I have be the pillar of strength, to not want to break down; to just stop. The wheels are moving so fast and the pressure continues, the demands and requests pile up and I can barely keep my head above water.

I see my body wilting away into nothing as the stress continues to take its toll on me and my appetite. I try to not feel overwhelmed by it all..
I am so tired. I need someone to be there when I get home--to rub out the stress and tension built up so much that my back is a series of knots and I can no long straighten myself upright.
I want to be able to decompress after these eternal stretches of doubt and uncertainty and feeling incomplete and the lack of human touch or love from another.

Sometimes at night while lying there alone, I see this gingerbread cookie cutout in my mind. and with my fingers I imagine a razor blade reshaping the form to be perfect. But what is perfect?
I am not even close.

hero

2008-11-18T16:06:00.002-06:00

There's a riot going on
And there's hunger in our midst.
Some people can't go on.
Some people call it quits.

When freedom is not the word
You'll find on Earth there's hell.
And U know one man saved the world
And he's in your heart as well.

(Chorus) Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.

A man is sleeping on the street
Because he has no place to live.
A millionaire is eating meat.
How come we're not more sensitive?

And when abundance is for the few
That's where the hunger lies.
Responsibility rests on U.
So keep your head up to the sky.

performed by Victor Wooten
and watching THIS VIDEO STILL makes me so happy!

thankful

2008-11-17T17:45:00.000-06:00

it's that time of year again.
when it's easy to pick out the haves and have nots.

Guess that's a good thing for all of us--at least you know where to sit at dinner parties.

funny how things change so quickly. making my thankful for list has become condensed and honest. leaving space on the other hand for after thought.

You know if you made the 2008 list.
Most of "the list" deals with the basics-
bills paid.
lilly
house and car
job

well--there you go.

Pumped for November 4 elections

2008-11-02T10:44:00.001-06:00

Vote Obama! (click here...)

Halloween

2008-10-31T18:29:00.000-05:00

What a perfect night for trick or treating! Lilly's fifth year and she had a great day of celebrating. It has been so much fun having my little ghost around!

information inspiration

2008-10-26T16:12:00.002-05:00

Ahh Hal'O' Eve.
Coming up soon.

I was heckled by a dear friend as to why I have not been posting to the blog lately..."oh, it's that Facebook thing, isn't it?"
Sheepishly I retorted,
"Well, you could always get a page..."

Clearly that was not happening.
So decided to write a bit here .
Good thing about the blog is that you can actually sit down and compose thoughts at length. The other good thing about MY blog is that --I can say with almost certainly-- very few people read it or even know it exists.
So if you are reading this--thanks.

ON THE FRONT:
Life is good!

I'm not free falling off the back of my couch but I am pretty happy with things at the moment.
Can one be content about work, home and love all at the same time? Perhaps fleeting, but if so, I am there at this moment.
I understand that people are put in our lives for reasons--some stay around awhile, so are migratory. I am pretty damn happy that the people I have in mine have not been fleeting as of late.

I love deeply and sincerely and give as much as I can to those few people who return it to me.
**

I suppose the educator of the year is something I should consider a once-in-a-career type occurrence. I honestly have not been sure how to respond to it, to others who congratulate me and how I tell anyone about it as it seems like we all work hard--we should all be recognized.
Still, in this small space I will mention that I received this award and it has in a small way helped me to come to grips with the fact that I might actually be a damn good teacher.

My girl is growing up so fast. I love her so much and am just so amazed at what she can do. She has many talents that are obvious, some that only a few see. Still, she (without bias) will be unstoppable -self-confident and charming beyond belief. It is cool to see.

Life is good. Hope it is where you are as well....

back in 2002...

2008-10-06T11:39:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe that was over 5 years ago. I think I am in better shape now than I was back then. I need to do another one just to be sure!

when october goes

2008-10-02T05:33:00.001-05:00

I woke at 5:00am to a toilet flushing in Lilly's bathroom. The wound chiming clock in my living room had also stopped overnight.
The ghost is back. Just in time for Halloween.

So it's October 2nd. The mornings are chilly and my hands grasp the steering wheel tightly as I drive to work through dew laden windows. I usually have to roll them down just to see. I will have to start wearing gloves. And coats. And heavy socks..and and and. Yuck. I hate clothing.

Lots of memories tied up with this time of year. I am doing surprisingly well, actually. We will see come October 5 and 8 if that remains true. Sigh.

I am looking forward to trying out Lotus with a few pals, as well as diverting my attention by hitting Brown County and the wineries.

Got lots to be thankful for.
They are just days--numbers on a calendar. Soon winter will be here, and spring...and summer once again.

Hope Ride

2008-09-25T05:38:00.000-05:00

Have been lax in posting lately. I guess I've been busy. It's hard to believe I have been back to work for six weeks. I've got great kids and things seem to be going well all around.

Last weekend I rode in my first organized bike event, the Hope Ride, near Columbus Indiana. We were going to do 13 miles, but ended up finishing out at 32. It felt great! So up next is the Hilly 100. I mentioned to my biking partner Kathleen that I didn't feel like it was hard work and therefore not really exercise. Granted, the course was totally flat--not a single hill--but long. I know the Hilly will not be so kind. Still, it's great to have a tangible goal out there to push me physically.

Fall is coming. I am trying to be positive about it this year. Usually I get down come October and November. Maybe I am turning a corner. I think so....

hilly 100

2008-09-08T17:49:00.001-05:00

ok, so I survived my first "training session" Sunday to see how I could manage a long bike ride with lots of hills.
I think I may be in for the ride, although 50 miles a day is a bit on the extreme.
Still my riding partners were fine with me being vertically challenged and still able to keep up for the most part.

I enjoy the comradeship that comes with riding hours together. But as my friend Kathleen reminded me today as we compared notes, we both felt tired after the ride--whether due to worries about cars, hills, braking and pacing. With running or swimming there is a freedom that is different from biking in that you are left to your own devices and disappear in the water or on the trail.

Biking has a more social component to it that I am not used to.
It has been a great learning experience. I am looking forward to another training next weekend.

Onward and Upward!

one more time

2008-09-04T11:25:00.000-05:00

"Have enough courage to trust Love one more time.
And always one more time." Maya Angelo

I recently received a card with this on the outside and have kept it on my desk at work. I look at it every day, but lately I have been thinking about it more and more.

You see, I think part of the sting of being alone is the worry of being rejected again and again by others. Once it happens a few times, the thought of going without love is much more appealing.

There is no risk, no pain, no longing or sadness.

Yet there is a part of me that feels utterly incomplete. Not whole. Like I have failed in life's paradoxical puzzle--finding a soul mate.

I should add Here's to not giving up to my list of mantras.

Have courage to trust love one more time.
And always one more time.

Here's to one more time...

"ease back" for you...

2008-09-02T06:12:00.000-05:00

Hello
It's good to see you coming back again
It's been a long time
Since I sat with you, my friend

I'll lend an ear
It's not that so severe
Time has killed the pain
And dried up every tear

And now
I'm thinking bout what went, down
All the heartache
I laughed away
Just like a clown

And now

"Ease Back"
Ringtone

(click your carrier)
AT&TT-MobileVerizonAlltelSprintOther

> Sit around talking
Drink some wine
I'm really glad you stopped in
Spend some time
You sit around talking
Thinking bout the past
It's funny how it lingers
But nothings meant to last

And my Ma
She'd like to say hello
But shes a little scared
That I can't let it go

So let on, ease back, brother
And let it slip away
I'm tired of hanging onto
The pains of yesterday

labor day

2008-09-01T08:06:00.005-05:00

Today's run reminded me of 2 different runs in different places. The first was Roma last summer outside a remote hotel in Rome. It was a chilly morning with the sun just barely rising and the air was heavy and moist. In Rome the nights were cool but the days extremely hot.

The second similar run was this summer up on the Grand Canyon. I was running along the south rim before sunrise, trying to find the furthest point out on the canyon to sit and meditate before showtime. Again, it was a chilly 55 degrees, and my legs were red and chapped from the chill.

I could have gone longer today without a problem. Still, wanted to get to the Y before the crowd and therefore had to cut it short.

Am happy about my new social networking and meeting lots of new people.
Today is day 28 and I am feeling fine.

Here's to the underdog.
Here's to the late bloomer.
Here's to holding out for the very best.
Here's to being honest with myself and others.
Here's to me.

Happy Labor Day. Off to TC Steele!

a better one...

2008-08-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(that's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

"If I Fell"

2008-08-30T12:49:00.000-05:00

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.

If I fell in love with you

languishing soul

2008-08-26T18:42:00.002-05:00

This restless feeling, this anxious unresolve inside.. it sometimes turns to anger and frustration with fate and destiny or being a victim of circumstance.

4 tuesdays, 22 days...

I ask the universe, "where is my love?"
How much longer must I wait?

back to when harry met sally....

change is gonna come

2008-08-24T10:45:00.008-05:00

It's that time of year again. Sure, it may be 93 degress and so humid you must take a shower after going down to the mailbox, but the change is coming.

First of all, everything smells different. It's almost as if the trees and grass and flowers know that autumn is coming. Like a dog looking for his familiar sniffs while walking, I too have those places I look for in my daily run: the Sycamore tree smell, the moist smells of decaying plant matter, the Pine trees, dewy morning smells, late night smells, pool smell, fresh cut meadow. The smells of summer soothe me and linger for months without much change.

I like that. Summer to me symbolizes so many things. Most of all it represents constancy and freedom. I delight in knowing today will be 89 degrees and sunny, tomorrow will be 89 degrees and sunny, the next day and the next. Indefinitely. I suppose nature is more constant than my relationships, so I cling to the one constant I know.

But whether due to the heat and humidity, the drought or the sun setting earlier now, the leaves are starting to change and fall. I crunch them under my feet as I run and cringe. Change is coming.

Most people love the fall and the many picturesque changes that come with it. I must admit that next to April, October is the second hardest month to endure. In fact, I think it is now the hardest month for me....

October seems to represent so many different things: marriages, birthdays, parties, romantic encounters, cool holidays, etc. But it for me symbolizes the loss of all of those things, those memories and those people. Add the leaves falling and the death of summer, and it's a crappy combination for me.

I see it coming every year and feel the same each time. And it's coming.
Someone I spoke with this week was talking to me about time being the best healer. He was right for the most part, in that it takes time to get myself on the other side of losing things. But nothing changes the fact that every year at this time all of those lost things creep back into my consciousness and I go through each death once again.

"Sunny Day"

2008-08-23T06:42:00.002-05:00

Strange how the loss of someone who was once a part of your life makes you appreciate those around you who ARE actively engaged in it. And going through a process of loss together strengthen those relationships even more. My friends have been great this week especially with being there, saying what needed to be said, and knowing when to just sit with me.

Similar to the 9-11 tragedy, I love the way the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff at my school bonded and became stronger as we worked through losing Elena. I am proud to work at a place where we are a family.

Today promises to be busy with so much I want to do and no definite plans. That can be dangerous for me, as I tend to get sidetracked and without plans in place, I end up doing something completely different than expected. I should just make a list.

Things are looking good from here. I feel stronger and better than I did August 1st. Back in the groove!

"seeking ugly women for Aussie lonely hearts"

2008-08-19T20:38:00.000-05:00

...was the title in the paper today under Nation and World, I kid you not. As a woman struggling with the question of what is fucking wrong with me, my next thought was, "Why not move to Australia?"
AP is quoted as to saying, "Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face, whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
Well damn. I want some fucking degree of happiness. I should cut my hair..oh, too late for that...I should wear an eye patch and just let myself go like so many others have already.

Fuck it. I am moving to Australia.

on Elena

2008-08-17T11:09:00.006-05:00

While enjoying the Harvest Moon last night just before heading to bed, I wish I had known that you were gone.

***
Losing someone close to you is difficult, especially when you don't see it coming.
Frightening as it may sound, Last week while running I had a vision of a headline, "Friend, Mother, Beloved Teacher Dies...City Mourns the Loss"
Usually I write off these dreams and visions, but this one caught my attention.
In the midst of the run, I considered what would happen if a young, popular teacher would die in an accident? My mind continued on this thought, how the faculty, students and friends would be in shock. By the end of the run, I set those thoughts aside, knowing how close-knit our faculty is and how much a family we all are. That is one of the many things I love about working where I do.
So, when receiving the word late last night about Elena, I was and am still in shock.

For now, I must process this...this vibrant woman who just 3 days ago was sitting next to me, wishing her unborn son would arrive SOON and how much fun she had on the first family vacation with her 2yr-old daughter.

I miss her smile, her laugh and her bright personality.

17 days..give or take a hunch

2008-08-16T13:58:00.000-05:00

11 to go.

sometimes

2008-08-14T20:49:00.006-05:00

There's a storm outside, and the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"
****

Had to break free from work today and started my run with a new set of music.
"Sometimes" by the old James was the first song on the play list, designed to get me from house to track and motivated to run a few miles. Still, as I made the trek over, (giving about 4:35 to do it) the skies turned and I was in the midst of a down pour.

Too far to turn back and the drops, cold and HUGE were unavoidable and so I knew I needed to take temporary shelter under a nearby tree. I stood as the rain storm hit listening to this song (and the above):

It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore

The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on

About this time in the song, I began moving and was choked by the smell of hot, wet street and sidewalk. Still, the smells of newly fallen rain on grass and flora was lovely and I pressed on...mist rising with the moisture rising and humidity and rain together..

There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking Polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea

"Sometimes I look in your eyes and can see your soul," he says.

Lately I have given up that ghost but find the physical focus to be satisfying.
It will do for now.
It will do....

10:19pm.
I just took some time to see what I was thinking about and doing last year at this time in blog -o-sphere and It was another time of strife.
Would like to see next year's blog entree and find myself miles from this place and this feeling.
Still, in the moment, it makes for challenging times for me.

"I will be perfect"

2008-08-13T05:07:00.006-05:00

...were my exact words to my boss last night when asked why I was still at work after 7p.m.
And later, as I was leaving the building, my department chair said she sensed a more driven, focused person coming back to work.

I will be perfect.

just one more morning
I have to wake up with the blues
pour myself out of it
put on my walking shoes
go up on the mountain top
to see what I can see
the whole world is fallin
right down in front of me...

cause I got dreams, yeah dreams to remember.
I've got dreams
dreams to remember.

After a long bike ride, I sat in the quiet house and enjoyed the last few hours of my fleeting summer. I accomplished everything I set out to do and now am ready for the next chapter or season of my life. Too bad life wasn't more like work in that you can prepare for what comes next.

Still, I will strive to push myself even more physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. I am taking my losses in stride and am trying to focus on the accomplishments. I am rewiring myself and making changes; purging all the old and starting new.

I will be perfect.

Let the new chapter begin...

Pull myself together
Put on a new face
Climb down off the hilltop baby
Oh I get back in the race
Cause I've got dreams oh dreams to remember.

I've got dreams yeah dreams
to remember.

in the wee small hours

2008-08-10T06:14:00.000-05:00

When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
you can always find something to do...
But from dusk til dawn as the clock ticks on
something happens to you.

In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the girl
And never ever think of counting sheep

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she would call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all.

my girl

2008-08-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

I don't need no money, fortune, or fame.
I've got all the riches baby one man can claim.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl (my girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl).

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of May
With my girl

call it a loan

2008-08-07T08:34:00.001-05:00

In the morning when I closed my eyes
You were sleeping in paradise
And while the room was growing light
I was holding still with all my might

Oh--what if it's true
...What my heart says
Oh--what'll I do
What if this feeling becomes hard to part with

You were meant to play your part
In the design of a desperate heart
And while you gave your love to me
I was betting I was getting it free

Oh-- If I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost

In the evening when you see my eyes
Looking back at you, no disguise
I'm not sure who you think you'll see
I'm just hoping you'll still know that it's me

Oh-- what if it's true
...Better ask the man inside
Oh, oh-- there seem to be two
One steals the love, and the other one hides.

Yeah-- can we call it a loan
Till I'm paid in full for the seeds I've sown
Yeah-- can we say that I've grown
In someway that we may have yet to be shown

Oh-- if I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost

sad day

2008-08-06T07:14:00.000-05:00

The smell of your hair I know is still there, if most of our leaves are blown
Our words still ring in the brush and the trees where singing seeds are sown
Your shape and form is dim but plain, there on our mountain bed
I see my life was brightest where you laughed and laid your head...

(there is no) sunken treasure

2008-08-05T10:21:00.007-05:00

(not sure who posted this pic--but hope its ok...)
There's rows and rows of houses, with windows painted blue.
With the light from the t.v. running parallel to you.
But there is no sunken treasure, rumored to be.
Wrapped inside my ribs in a sea black with ink.
I am so out of tune with you, I am so out of tune with you.

If I had a mountain, I'd try to fold it over.
If I had a boat, you know I'd probably roll over.
And I leave it on the shore, I'd leave it for somebody.
Surely there's somebody who needs it more than me.
I am so out of tune with you, I am so out of tune with you.

All the leaves will burn and autumn fires then return.
All the fires we burn, all will return.
Music is my savior, and I was maimed by rock and roll.
***
Saw a great show last night in downtown Indy. Am hoping my good pal was able to capture it for me, since I missed the last 30 minutes of the show. Just one of those things. But taking someone to a show who does not enjoy the band (or has never heard their stuff) is almost as bad as dragging a kid to church when they don't understand what is going on and they have to be quiet and sit still for an hour.
So instead of fully enjoying the show (and my favorite band) I worry that the person is having a bad time, cannot get into the music and it takes away from the whole fucking thing.

I should have just bought one ticket.

So I have turned the corner and switched gears now. The summer of love is over.
It is time to focus on what is important and necessary for me to succeed in the months to come. My mind moves fairly quickly (as does my body) from topic to topic, thing to thing. I often get frustrated with those around me who are probably much healthier but think and move more slowly. In my head I am often thinking, "Come on. Keep up...you need to take speed to stay with me." So it goes.

I need to practice patience.

I have to understand that people have different standards and my expectations are high for myself and those who hang with me. I am easily disappointed. I am easily let down. And now is no exception.

Thanks Jeff T. for a great time and helping me think through this stuff with your lyrics. Sorry I had to bail on you.

airline to heaven

2008-08-03T16:49:00.002-05:00

WILCO TOMORROW!

musings, vol. xxxi

2008-07-26T14:27:00.009-05:00

Ahh, summer, glorious summer. We are moving in to the part of summer where those who SHOULD KNOW BETTER begin taunting we teachers about having to go back to work...
"So, you ready to go back?" The conversation always starts...smirk on their face, anxiously awaiting the look of horror from me.
(OH Gosh, do I have to go back to work?? No!)
These are usually people who work all year round and take long, extended vacations to southern beaches in the middle of winter.
I have about 2 1/2 weeks, thankyouverymuch.

So have been enjoying a few things lately. Others may say I have been "obsessing" I just plain like em:

1. I'm Not There the movie and soundtrack.
Yes, it is very good. And the soundtrack of various artists (which was in my top 10 of 2007-see earlier posts near dec.-jan.) jives well with the whole premise of the movie with using a variety of actors to portray Dylan. Cate Bl. is the best. Yup.

2. Bob Dylan Chronicles, vol. 1 While discussing the movies with my parent's neighbor, I learned that his wife went to school with Dylan in Grand Rapids, MI--so he handed the book to me. Lots of good stuff in here and being a late Dylan bloomer, I am finally enjoying this man and his contribution to music and the world--a few decades too late.

#3. Buddy Miles Them Changes 1970
Yes, he once was the voice of the California Raisin, but he was also the drummer for Jimi H. back in the day. He died in Feb., and the album was brought back to the surface. Great stuff. I can't stop playing it. Which leads to...

#4. Johnny "Guitar" Watson Funk Anthology 2005
You tell me that "Superman Lover" doesn't rock...that's what I'm talking about.

#5. Running and thinking. or thinking and running--anyway, the whole detatchment of both activities while doing them is a remarkable daily ritual. I find myself wondering how my legs are still going and how far I have gone before actually realizing I was moving. Must be the creative process well at work in me. Similar to how new ideas sprout while I am taking a bath (usually in winter).

#6. My body's time clock. My clock has happily shifted to a wake up call of 7:36 a.m. Usually I have to pee, so get up and then cuddle up a for about 15 more minutes. It is a luxury that will be gone in a few weeks, so I am basking in it.

Congrats and good luck to the newlyweds and the mid-lifers who recently purchased motorcycles. I think you both have something in common...

skool daze

2008-07-14T10:31:00.001-05:00

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what did you learn this weekend?

loneliness of the long distance runner

2008-07-08T20:36:00.001-05:00

when I am at a place of extreme stress, sadness, anger or any other pressing emotion
I
HAVE
TO
RUN.

And by run, I mean disappear for an hour and take it out on the cinders and ash near my humble house in the small town where I live.

I don't have the lush mountain ranges or the long stretches of greene county fields that remind me of my youth and the long cross country season to get lost.

Still, between the glorious crush under my feet, and my body, hyper-extended midriff and shockras open, I find the much needed relief that only running can supply.

And finally, today, I was able to decompress as only running--not human connection--can do for me.

While visiting my parents over the much anticipated, family-centered weekend I found myself lost and alone in what it all meant and my place in the landscape, the only way I could seek refuge was to run.
and run I did.
It was probably going on three miles before my mind caught up with my body and I realized that I had been gone about an hour and needed to get back. You see I was free for what seemed like only minutes--similar to the feeling I get when swimming laps in a pool when your body and mind are in sync and no one can hurt you or make you feel like less than you are.
you are invincible and soaring high above the world, in touch with your body and each footfall, or sometimes when lost in working out a conflict or problem in life, you feel absolutely nothing.

I could have run for miles and miles on sunday morning.

Still, today, it was a struggle to move and the run did not come easy. I got past the 1 mile mark and my lungs accepted the surge of air and the tightness in my chest subsided. My legs felt like lead as I pressed on, turning up the volume and forcing my thoughts on the blackness in my heart that prompted the run in the first place.

And on good days, I overcome those woes

at least for a little while.....
until I have to walk home from the nearby cinders and ashes

and the tears, like clockwork

form and fall as I make my snotty walk of shame
back home alone.

westward HO!

2008-06-29T19:54:00.002-05:00

vaca day 1

2008-06-21T17:44:00.001-05:00

hi. vacations can be funny. it depends on how you take them, who you take them with, and why you take them.
i am not sure why i took this one. it sounded good in the middle of january when i was overwhelmed with work and wanted to get away from people and work.

i am in PNX AZ and it is currently 117 degrees outside. I don't think I have ever even felt 117 degrees, but let me assure you, coming from someone who likes it hot--ITS FUCKING HOT.

so here I am again--at the computer. as soon as I get done here, I am going to take a nap--fo show.

if you are like me, vacations alone as very inticing. i like the flex in a solo trip--for instance-- what is the first thing YOU would do once arriving at destination known? yes--go to the workout center and THEN the bar and finally the pool.

Had I brought a companion with me-I would be grumpy--having to skip the workout for frivilous things--like eating or something.

when i travel solo i eat the minimum requirements to survive in order to save for other things...this is something I wish i could change, actually, because apparently I am missing the local fare in each and every city whether dometstic orimport I have ever been...example:

"God the food in Paris was so incredible. The best food I have ever eaten. I must have gained at least 15 pounds there."
My thoughts--- "Are you kidding me? I don't remember the food being all that extraordinary. But the wine! The wine was awesome!"
'nough said.

Still, I miss my girl and my best pal and wish that one or both could be with me now..

I have read 2 1/2 books so far and bought another just in case. They make good bed fellows anyway....

anticipating canyon solitude

2008-06-13T10:30:00.008-05:00

It is raining outside and for me that means it is the perfect time to be inside writing or reading..or both. ABOUT ME: I have to be outside and active when the sun is shining-- and so on days when it isn't, I don't feel guilt for staring at a computer screen for a few hours. For those who dislike humidity, heat, and sun-you probably think I am nuts. But get me outside in virtually nothing with 85+ degrees every day and I am a happy girl.

I had a wonderful time driving down south through underground railroad country. I am still enamored by the Indiana landscape and the old farms and fields that stretch for miles and miles. Sometimes you come across amazing finds--like an old Eleutherian college, or discover an old musty guitar shop and play 1955 and 1963 Gibson guitars, or best of all, go skinny dipping in the cool Clifty Falls on long slabs of rock while drinking hard cider and half hoping we get busted by a park ranger. My idea of a perfect summer day.

I have a friend that enjoys so many of the same things I do. Friends like this are rare and a real treasure. Our zest for life and thrill-seeking adventure always makes for good spontanious times...some of the best times I have had. And yesterday was definitely up there as a day well-spent. Thanks, my friend for being a true best pal.

So, the trip is fast-approaching and I am, as usual, not quite ready. Ready in terms of needing to go, yes. But before I leave for a trip, I find that if I don't do the mental prep prior to takeoff, I get anxious and have to do serious catch up on the plane.

I found a few books on the canyon and have been reading. This one book in particular, by Patricia C. McCarien called Canyon Solitude: A woman's solo river journey through Grand Canyon has been a great pre-trip read. Chapter 9 entitled "The Center", in particular struck a chord with me. I wanted to write down some of her words here:

"...If logic ruled, this moment would be pervaded with loneliness. But my loneliness has nothing to do with solitude. In solutitde, especially the solitude of nature, I am complete. Rivers, lakes, trees, rocks and grand vistas of mountains or deserts, plains, or sea, fill me with abundance. No, my loneliness always grows from disconnection: feeling undesireable or unwanted by a man I desire, feeling out of place in a particular environment, or feeling inadequate in some incomprehensible way that reminds me of my emotional vulnerability.
With sudden clarity, I realize that loneliness is the absence of love in one's life. Not idealized love, but loving oneself. I'm lonely when I'm out of harmony with myself...." p. 181, McCairen

arms open; palms out

2008-06-10T11:54:00.005-05:00

Billy Bragg Lyrics
Someday, Some Morning, Sometime Lyrics
wow whee.
It is summer and it has been the easiest transition on record for me. Been doing lots of fun stuff and embracing my idle time. The mind is still active and contemplating big change for me and the inner work continues.

The insane flooding and storms that have left south central Indiana paralyzed have been a reminder to me that stuff is really not important. I hear talk from family and friends about basements being flooded and costing thousands of dollars, never putting stuff in cardboard boxes for storage, how much the running cost of a blower is per hour, etc. and I am glad that #1 I live on a hill and out of a flood plane and #2 that I have very little at this point to lose.
I did have yet another run in with computer bullshit-- and here's how the story goes:

After living without internet at home for a year, I decided to splurge for the summer and get it at home.
Day 1 Scheduled appt., Guy came over, tried to download antivirus package--no go. HUGE STORM knocking out power for hours. FUCK.
Day 2 turn on computer COMPUTER INFECTED WITH VIRUSES unfortnuately, the internet WON'T START
growl..i hate technology...
so, my 3rd time losing everything on the computer. LESSON LEARNED-- who cares? it's just music and files and pictures.
Make more music.
Make more memories.
Keep writing.

oh yeah--and the abigail washburn and sparrow queartet show at the bird sunday was incredible. great musicians--great music.

If you are reading this, I hope you are well. I think of you often.

I'm doing fine

2008-06-01T10:35:00.000-05:00

Summer has finally arrived in my town-and the first three days have been some of the best ever for me.
I have my mental list of goals both personal and professional and have started to make a dent in both. My vacation is less than 2 weeks away and even though my closest friend and confidant is gone for a week, I have managed to make a few new friends and have spent the time laughing, playing, relaxing, eating and remembering what it's like to live fully.

The weather is finally warming up, giving me lots of time to run outside and I am adding to my mileage by the day. I am always amazed at how quickly I regain my sea legs after being cooped up on precors all winter long. Gots to get the swim suit bod back--and am almost there!

Getting ready to see Bela Fleck, Ben Sorrell and Abigail Washburn next weekend as well as Wilco in August, have my summer education paid for (1 grad credit) and am looking forward to writing for school again.

On the home front, plans abound starting with finishing the drywall in Lill's bathroom and installing a ceiling fan in the living room. The windows should arrive any day now and that will be a nice addition to the place.

I am binging on music these days--filling myself to the brim with new artists and old..

I love how summer time allows for so much expansive thinking and living!!
Off to Grand Canyon soon....

may day

2008-05-13T11:27:00.004-05:00

Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and shirt
How'd I end up feeing so bad
For such a little girl

And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
Las cienega just smiled... "see ya around"
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye

"Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's off with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La cienega just smiles and says, I'll see you around" ryan adams

I woke with a start this morning. It was about 2:10am. For the next two hours, while my girl slept next to me, my thoughts drifted from topic to topic. It's May day.
I used to love May--warm temps, school winding down, outside recreation, and the city was mine again. But the last two years, it has been a struggle. I hate that mid-may also marks the anniversary of the end to several important relationships for me.
Last year I tried to start fresh with also signing the papers to my own home on the week of the same. The dealings of moving, painting, remodeling and the loose ends of the entire production took the focus away from the pain from year's past when I signed those divorce papers.

So we move on...and as the hours passed last night, I realized how sad and lonely I have been this year. Just like a low grade fever that keeps you slightly off, I have felt this way for months and months.
I can count on one hand the times I felt happy. Not blissful. But content with things. Was this a direct reflection of how I felt about myself? Was it circumstantial? Had I been holding on to something I knew was transatory but not allowing myself to digest it?

It has made me angry. bitter. resentful. totally untrusting of everyone. hateful. pissed off. cynical. jaded. done. I am hurt. I am done.

And now the words that Clint used to utter while drinking his vodka tonic in a mason jar ring clearly in my ears--moreso now than ever: all relationships are doomed.
Maybe the wounds are still fresh and I am just ridiculously emotional. Maybe the collected days and months of burying feelings have finally found their way to the surface. I don't know. I just know I don't like the way I am feeling. And it has to stop now.

I am so looking forward to getting out of this holding pattern that has been my life. In a matter of weeks I hope to transform from a stupid crysalysis into a butterfly and man, I am gonna fly fly away.

weekend musings

2008-05-12T11:24:00.001-05:00

He was too good to me.
How will I get along now?
So close he stood to me.
Everything seems all wrong now.
He would have brought me the sun.
Making me smile, that was his fun.

When I was mean to him
He'd never say, "Go away, now."
I was a queen to him.
Who's gonna light my way now?
It's only natural that I'm blue.
He was too good to be true.

spring flower

2008-05-09T11:32:00.001-05:00

lilly

life is good: a cautionary tale

2008-05-06T13:50:00.016-05:00

I have lots to say. Unfortunately, as it goes, I only have about 10 minutes to say it. So this will require tweaking. This song brought clarity on my long drive, so I listened to it while writing as well. Ironically, the video itself scans NY city and all its hidden beauty and ugliness. No wonder I thought it appropriate for this piece of writing. "Green Arrow"

Like so many that must stop to eat, or sleep, I find myself unable to continue when thoughts have been brewing and need to surface. They fester while driving in city traffic at 4-way stops and lights, they stew in rural settings while battling the other lane traffic driving way too fast.

Still, the thoughts linger and grow, or bloom and grow as in the lovely "edelweiss". The best ones are recorded here.

In my childhood while leaving a beautiful oasis and clear to me that I would never be returning, I made an effort to take in those last few details--sights and smells mostly--before departing for good. As I grew older, these kinds of situations happened more and more frequently--visiting different countries, friends from far away, even visitations or funerals for loved ones--these places, objects, and faces left an imprint on my memory and remain to this day.
As the gift of writing exposed its wretched head, I reminded myself (as my mother continues to do..) that it was my duty to record these memories in some written form for others to see but more for a keepsake for myself-- as a photograph captured in time.

This is one of those times.

As I mentioned leaving a place that one realizes will be their last visit marks a memory and in my case never returning requires a longer gaze, a keen eye for detail and an almost inevitable don't-look-back-emotional quality. I often say, "this will make great fodder for a book," it will not so much be fodder, but what seems to be real life for me. Humor can most always be found hinged to tragedy in some way. Ask Chekhov if you don't believe me.

Anyway, I don't mean this to be dramatic. It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

No denying it, over the past four years I have built up a tolerance to beginning and abrupt endings; and have lost (for the most part) the necessity for attaching my "self" to people or things and living distanced from too much intimacy. Not intimacy as an amourous act or even relationship so much as the closeness of others and letting people in.
I am currrently reading a book that seems to stress these themes-- Love in the Time of Cholera (Spanish: ''El amor en los tiempos del cólera'', 1985) is a novel by Gabriel García Márquez about a fifty-year love triangle between Fermina Daza, Florentino Ariza, and Doctor Juvenal Urbino set in the late 19th century and the first decades of the 20th century (roughly 1880 to 1930). The novel, a tale of unrequited love, explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility.

As many can attest, if the bitter wind of love rips you once, even twice, one
learns to exercise caution from then on. But losing someone slowly whether to circumstance or illness or age, carrying it on over long periods....these things are even more difficult to endure.....

So letting go and trying to burn an image of a day spent, a place explored, a grassy meadow, a quarry, a playground, a ravine--the fragrance in the air, the placement of the sun and clouds, the gate of a child, the sad eyes of a tired friend, the green water in mason jars holding bright yellow mustard plants, the hearts taped to the love nest, the eagle--no hawk-- soaring low look for its prey, the bliss in a child's eyes upon eating the sweet, the lovely arrangement of lilacs and hydrangas lovingly picked for a spouse set next to her place at the table, the trembling hand of an elder clutching a purple vase, the careless way books are loved and stored, the beauty of springtime, the grim look upon a loved ones face receiving bad news, the trail of crumbs left from a child, the celebratory wine glasses left from the evening before, the dried dandy lion presented with earnest after doing a bad thing, the plough-plop of rocks tossed in a creek bed, the pileup of shoes scattered next to a nearby doorway.... the sound of gravel bouncing off the wheel chambers of my car as I drive away for the last time.

I

"only a dream"

2008-04-30T09:56:00.001-05:00

only a dream
that i had
in the night

only a dream
but it felt
so right

well i was down there
in the moonlight
i was holding you tight

but it was only a dream
only a dream

only a dream
that knocks me off my feet

only a dream
have you dancing
in the street

and that big band
keeps on playing
joe henry's retreat

but only a dream
only in my dream

only a dream
but somebody tried to knock me down

only a dream
keeps on hanging around

only a dream
we're rolling in the snow

only a dream
we just couldn't let go

i sit outside your window
just like romeo
but it's only a dream
yes, only a dream

but someone tries to knock me down
to the ground
but it was only a dream
but it's just a dream
still hanging around.

our wizard of oz!

2008-04-21T12:30:00.003-05:00

over the rainbow--CLICK HERE!

feist-y

2008-04-14T06:42:00.002-05:00

Song lyrics | Intuition lyrics

What gives what helps the intuition?
I know I'll know
I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although although

They can lead you
Break or defeat you

A destination known
Only by the one
Who's fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home in half
A love is not complete with only heat

And they can tease you
Break or complete you

And it came a heat wave
A merciful save
You choose you chose
Poetry over prose
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him

Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I did I miss out on you?

nesting!

2008-04-11T07:39:00.001-05:00

No better way to start spring than finding a fresh nest by my door.
This bird used ribbons and weeds from the garden I pulled yesterday. Happy spring!

april is...

2008-04-06T10:22:00.002-05:00

So the countdown is on until the show opens and I (sort of) get my life back.

Been contemplating many things lately but have no idea how to articulate them...
the weather promises to be in the 70s this week finally and that will help with moodiness. It has been an extremely long winter.

I often wonder why people come into my life and the circumstances with which they leave. I am usually sad if the departure has to do with me. I ask myself what is it that brings me joy and happiness. Most of the time it involves activities of solitude and challenge. This includes big projects that end with a tangible and visual product. Most of the time another person is not part of my list of joy seeking. In fact, quite the contrary. I wonder why that is so?

I do like people. I enjoy the company of others for the most part.
I suppose I just like to make my own decisions and follow my own clock.
***

So spring is awakening in my sleepy town. My girl turns 5 in about a week.

If you are reading this page and have had some place in my life--be it past or present--thanks. I think of you and hope all is well.

The best thing I have heard lately--is that I smell like Germany. That's nice.
Now off to pick daffodils.
Ciao.

gatekeeper

2008-03-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in
It's the scene
You set for new lovers
You play your part painting in a new start
But each gate will open another

June July and August said
"It's probably hard to plan ahead"
June July and August said
"It's better to bask in each others"

Gatekeeper seasons wait for your nod
Gatekeeper you held your breath
Made the summer go on and on

Well they tried to stay in from the cold and wind
Making love and making their dinner
Only to find that the love that they grew in the summer
Froze

February April said
"Don't be fooled by the summer again"
February April said
"That half of the year, well we'll never be friends"

It's Friday. Its (not) spring here in Bloomington-- yeah yeah.
I am gearing up for WIZARD on the 17th.
And listening to a lot of FEIST.
Looking forward to that show as well!

Lots of options for travel this summer. Its nice to have options. Just wish I had a companion. Still, the Grand Canyon looks to be #1 on the list.

hope you are well, wherever you are.

something's coming

2008-03-18T11:50:00.000-05:00

There is something going on with me
but I'm not sure what it is.

I sense an overwhelming change coming tied with sadness.
I see myself in a different light and am waiting for sunny warm days.

I long for time to write and think and to play.

Just a month or so left.
I am counting the days.....

higher ground

2008-03-05T11:41:00.001-06:00

Had to find some higher ground
Had some fear to get around
You can't say what you don't know
Later on won’t work no more
Last time though I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah my way was hard to find
Can't sell your soul for peace of mind

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here

Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You won and you are so lost
Told her you were satisfied
But it never came across

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here

hold on

2008-03-03T12:10:00.001-06:00

Hold on John , John Hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna win the fight

Hold on Yoko , Yoko hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna make the flight

When you're by yourself
And there's no-one else
You just tell yourself
To hold on

Hold on world , world hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna see the light

When you're one
really one
You get things done
like they've never been done
So hold on

day 6

2008-02-28T16:37:00.005-06:00

My angel I promised her we'd be dressed in a cloud
Standing on pillars on fire singing out loud
Shot from truth and love, not darkness
With the moon under your feet
Where birth goes on and rides terror
My shine will be complete

With your fire your fire
My tremolo
You're my fire

Every so softly it grows when you don't wear your armor
Crushing the burden and confusion sour
Trembling high on every leaf
Raining light down on your belief
Oh my angel unburdened by the race
I'll go down burning in your embrace

On fire, on fire
My tremolo
You're my fire

Don't take away my shine
My shine is all I have
My heat, my love, my beauty and my glad
It worries me sometimes that I want love
And live a life of sad

My tremolo
Sweet baby, my fire
My desire, fire

Thanks to Lent I have some excuses for restructuring my habits and new changes in life. Easter is not far away, but come mid-March I will be well on my way to changing these patterns and will not feel the way I do now. Fortunately I am used to giving up vices and although at first it is difficult, I am familiar with the feelings and can adapt/adjust quicker than I used to. I can sew it up, slam it closed, replace it, return it, burn it off, run it down, lock it up, repress it, deny it happened, breathe it in and out again...

I started The Sun Also Rises today after a reference made in another book I am currenly reading. Hemmingway has a way of pulling me in-- and fast.
Happily I gave up my plans for the evening to read and plan.

Doing a lot of planning lately.

It's not a happy time for me...Not a happy few years.
But it will be.
It's not a joyful time, to say the least.

But apparently I have more evolving to do. Still have not learned my lesson.

I do have one thing going for me:

Indeed. She's all I need.

"san juan"

2008-02-24T11:57:00.002-06:00

Make me see a whole new way
Make me see the new day, the new day, the new day
Make me be, make me be, make me be a whole new way
Meet me in San Juan, baby I'll be true
Whisper sweet everything to you
Yellow cactus rose
Cotton blown by wind
Beaten brown hands, perfect skin, perfect skin
In San Juan, I don't wanna know, all the reasons why you gotta go
In San Juan
Meet me in San Juan
Where nobody has and everybody gives
There's no sad where death lives
I see your love, I see your love
Baby I'll be true
Yes, I'll be true for your love, for your love, for your love, love

This one is for you.

it's me...

2008-02-21T11:51:00.000-06:00

drawn/painted by one of my most favorite students of all time, Miss AKA
And since I am here, in other news,
Life is good.

I received the foundation grant I applied for and now am busy at work on the details.

And spring is fast approaching. The birds (or some of them) are back and singing in the mornings. And the sunrises have been lovely.

and off to Turkey this summer, I hope?

"the lost thing"

2008-02-18T11:12:00.001-06:00

I am.
Marie Antoinette. Oscar Wilde.
I am a rock.
Eve Elsner. Kurt Kobaine.

I am a lost thing.

I should warn you
When I'm not well
I can't tell
Oh, there's nothing I can do
To make this easier for you

You're gonna need to be patient with me

I'm this apple, this happening stone
When I'm alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we've discussed
It doesn't mean that I don't care
It means I'm partially there

seems like old times

2008-02-13T08:10:00.001-06:00

happy valentine's day

So I'm a day early. Who cares.
I was watching Annie Hall again last night (best movie ever). I am always taken by Diane Keaton's musical number--especially the second time she sings it. Says a lot about relationships, friends and life.

My funny valentine, this one's for you:

Seems like old times, having you to walk with
Seems like old times, having you to talk with
And it's still a thrill just to have my arms around you
Still the thrill that it was the day I found you

Seems like old times, dinner dates and flowers
Just like old times, staying up for hours
Making dreams come true, doing things we used to do
Seems like old times being here with you

trouble...and I like it

2008-02-08T14:50:00.000-06:00

We’re so precarious with semantics
I think this could be trouble
I think it’s trouble honey
I think it’s good
If you came to make trouble
Make me a double honey
I think it’s good

What may seem complicated
Is overstated downright misunderstood
Love will not be outdated
Maybe placated but it’s got to be good
We’re far too serious
I think we could be
Such nefarious pyromantics

GIANT UPSET

2008-02-04T06:31:00.000-06:00

Way to go
GIANTS!
Gotta love those Manning brothers...

and me in 1986 and 1987. Wow.

Clenched Soul

2008-01-30T06:51:00.000-06:00

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

*****

Last night as the wind was howling outside
And I thought my shingles were going to fly off the roof,
My car tip over and the screens fly off,
I tried hard to think of things I enjoy.
Instead of dwelling on being cold in my bed
Scared and alone,
The quiet of the house and the ticking of the clock
My only company.

I tried not to think of others who
Have someone to go home to
Who are welcomed
And waited up for…
Who are missed and wanted and needed.
Their kisses warm and soft skin and smell like a familiar blanket.

Still, as I turned out the light
I could warm myself with the thought
That I can survive on my own
By myself.
I can make it and am strong enough
I can do this life by myself.

But who wants to?
Not much of an exchange for companionship
or happiness
or honesty
or anything that truly matters.

So there is
Summertime
Solitude
The smell of the earth in springtime
Warm days and cool water
Hard work and a cold beer
Traveling to far away places after earning your way
Paying off bills that you worked for yourself
230 pm on the last day of school
The promise of love
The promise of love
The promise of love
The promise of love

most unusual girl

2008-01-28T07:35:00.000-06:00

This is the most unusual story
of a most unusual girl
She's the paint in my picture
of a most unusual world

She can crawl out a frame
while she's hanging on the wall
And she's calling my name
she's not so usual

She's most unusual
Shes not so usual
She's so unusual

She's mostly a ghost
the way she watches over me
She complains when I smoke
but then you do the same to me

She's controlling my brain activity
knowing when I go to sleep
She'll catch me when I'm falling hard
she's so unusual

*****
She's not so
hooked on the drugs like I thought she was
And never suckin' on the lime and hardly sippin' on the wine
And despite
of her bi-polar roller coastering
I think I can trust she'll keep me singing differently

And that's fine
'Cause she's with me now most all of the time

Trying and savin' the light
Thinking not of her own
And always kissing me goodnight
When I just need to be alone
She's so sweet
So discrete
-She's exactly what I need
Not even make believe...

she's not so usual...

She's so unusual
She's not so usual
So unusual

Oh, Not so usual
and not too practical either,

What's that, she's
not so mystical
but not too magical neither,

I said she's
not so out of control
and not so used to the full

kaisen

2008-01-27T11:28:00.000-06:00

Sunday morning, praise the dawning
It's just a restless feeling by my side
Early dawning, Sunday morning
It's just the wasted years so close behind
Watch out, the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all
Lou Reed

Ahh. 40 degrees rising and the fog lifts here in lovely Bloomington. The sun is shining and the snow is melting. Yay.

I stopped by my favorite flower shop, Mike was there with the chewed-up cigar hanging out of the side of his mouth,
"Where you been, little lady? Life treating you good?"
He asks while wrapping up my tulips. I cringe at the grammar but smile at his sincerity. God, I love Hoosiers.

He explains how the tulips will grow once you get them home and with a twinkle in is eye says that spring will be here in about 8 weeks. Along with the promise of spring and flowers, he prods me about my love life.
"Well, obviously if I am buying the flowers---," I trail off.
He shakes is head and smiles as I pay the bill, he says with a wink,
"Come back more often. We like seeing ya."
I promise I will try.

I spent well over 3 hours talking to the guys down at the coffee shop, Pat M. one of my favorites, and Eric a math genius who teaches quantum-numbers-and-theories at university. Grumpy Tom is there, who swears like a sailor but has a soft spot for little girls and then there is Doctoral Tim 'music man' B. Rounding out the table of course, the romantic Dave T with a different woman clinging to his side every time I see him. It always makes for interesting, eclectic morning conversation.

I spent most of my time talking to Eric about dreams-- we share lots of problems with thinking and loss of sleep. We are both nervous types. We discuss the motivation behind exercise and the metal game required to do triathlons and play golf. We both vow to pick up golf again come spring.

Father Pat clicks his tongue, praising my dedication to the gym but asking if I made it to church this morning. "This is my soul food today," I say.
And soul food it was...just what I needed.

The warm weather picks-me-up as I am thinking about a grant for a special project I am formulating for the spring. I am collaborating with a cool old broad who pushes me. Am also getting the wanderlust again--so will need to decide whether I want to travel this summer or landscape my yard.

I think both are possible.

Anything is possible this Sunday morning.
Anything is possible....

age of aquarius

2008-01-26T09:58:00.000-06:00

Shadow in my heart
Is tearing me apart
Or maybe it's just something
In my stars

There's a hole
In my life
There's a hole
In my life

Be a happy man
I try the best I can
Or maybe I'm just looking
For too much
"hole in my life"
Police

Pulled out this old album today. one of my favorites.
got me through tough times.

feeling grumpy as of late. think it has something to do with january.

october-january-april
are shit months for me.

soooooooobeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaappppppppyyyyyyyyyyyy.

ptttthht!

musings

2008-01-21T11:41:00.000-06:00

I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need
Why should I autograph the book
That you won’t even read
I’ve got a different scar for every song
And blood left still to bleed
But I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around
I love to laugh but I’m more than just
Your alcoholic clown
I won’t pray this prayer with you
Unless we both kneel down
I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around

Come on lighten up
Let me fill your cup
I’m just trying to imagine a situation
Where we might have a real conversation

But I don’t wanna waste the words
That you don’t seem to need
When it comes to wanting what’s real
There’s no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

"don't want to waste your time"
Over The Rhine
Trumpet Child

Well, it's 2008. Happy 2008.
It's been awhile.
No new resolutions I want to share.
Not feeling like sharing much these days,
I don't play well with others,
And I have been known to run with scissors.

The town has been a little down since Evan left us. I didn't go to the gatherings but had every intention to do so. Something about January just takes the motivation right out of me.

Lately I have been feeling down about hurting other people. I feel sad that I have hurt others in a way they have to heal and grieve and mourn and start over again. I don't like that.

Been thinking about the people who have hurt me too. The pain has subsided, but you know, the scars are still there. Some irrepairable damage done too. Paralyzing in fact. And each time it happens, I become less caring, less willing, less open to possibility--more jaded and guarded.

And still, I don't like the fact that I am getting older and am by myself. There are times when having someone around would make a difference. I often feel unprotected and frightened. And no amount of self-defense -- physical or mental-- will do in those situations.
There are things I want to do but find that doing them solo is just-not-quite-the-same- I dunno.

Emotional attachment is a sticky thing. Is it worth the hassle? Is it worth the risk of knowing that person too might leave? Or to realise they are not for you and have to inflict that sort of loss on someone else?

I resign myself.

ELIZABETHTOWN "long ride home"

2008-01-08T10:56:00.000-06:00

Long black limousine
Shiniest car I've ever seen
The back seat is nice and clean
She rides as quiet as a dream
Someone dug a hole six long feet in the ground
I said goodbye to you and I threw my roses down
Ain't nothing left at all in the end of being proud
With me riding in this car, and you flying through the clouds

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

One day I took your tiny hand
Put your finger in the wedding band
Your daddy gave a piece of land
We laid ourselves the best of plans
Forty years go by with someone laying in your bed
Forty years of things you say you wish you'd never said
How hard would it have been to say some kinder words instead
I wonder as I stare up at the sky turning red

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

Headlights staring at the driveway
The house is dark as it can be
I go inside and all is silent
It seems as empty as the inside of me

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long, on the long
Oh the long, on the long
On the long ride home

Thinking of you today.

you are sui generis, my love

2008-01-02T14:02:00.000-06:00

Ahhhh vacation sweet vacation.
It has been an interesting one. Lots of surprises--all good.
Admittedly, I have been living off gift cards and the kindness of strangers.
Saw Oliver! front row on NYE. Best new year's eve I have had in years. and years.
Also explored the inside of the West Baden Resort Hotel in southern Indiana.

Spent some time down on the River
That was nice. Wish the stay could have been longer though. Maybe next time.

Found my new place to hang out:
FARM Bloomington
Good, honest folk, great atmosphere, no letches, good energy.
***
Listed here are my top 10 albums of 2007. Should be in The Ryder next issue.

10. Suzanne Vega Beauty & Crime
In 2007 we welcome back Suzanne V. with a grown-up sound and a tasty album. I love concept albums and her themes surrounding New York/Beauty/Crime are lovely. “Frank and Ava” is especially de-lish. Other nice surprises are included on this release.

9. (Various Artists) Sound track to the motion picture I’m Not There
Not sure if it is fair to include a various artists album in the top-10 but this 2-cd soundtrack includes my favorite artists covering Bob Dylan songs. The movie may not receive high marks but the music ROCKS. To me taking great Dylan songs and listening to my favorite musicians playing them is a win-win.

8. Feist The Reminder
Putting “1,2,3,4” aside as the catchiest earworm in the history of pop music, Reminder is a solid album. Leslie’s new release rocks-- no doubt about it. If you don’t believe me, check out “Sea Lion”. Her voice is like buttah baby.

7. The Greyboy Allstars What Happened to Television
Television was the surprise of the year for me. I was fortunate enough to meet the band in the ‘FHB studio at an interview back in the spring when they played Jakes. This is a great hip-hop, funky album from top to bottom.

6. Andrew Bird Armchair Apocrypha
Lyrics, musicianship, and folk-pop complexity make this album top-10 worthy. Not to mention, seeing Bird up close and personal gives the listener an added appreciation for his musical genius.

5. Arcade Fire Neon Bible
AF rumored by an old friend of mine to be the next Rolling Stones of our generation, this album runs the gamut: passion, pressing issues of planes crashing into buildings and going where no one else goes blows me away. Not to mention, recording in their own church in Canada? Get out.

4. The New Pornographers The Challengers
If I may be so bold, Challengers is NP’s best album to date. It is power-pop classic at its finest; great melodies, lyrics and up-tempo tunes. Neko Case’s familiar voice cuts through whether it be the ballad of “Failsafe” or belting it with “Challengers” all and all the record is a fine piece of work.

3. Iron and Wine The Shepherd’s Dog
Most people have a love-em-or-hate-em reaction to Iron and Wine. I was pretty impressed with The Shepherd’s Dog. Sam really mixes it up: one track feels tribal in nature, another bluesy, and still another jazzy. I appreciate Beam’s ability to test the waters while remaining true to his roots. Good mellow stuff here.

2. Wilco Sky Blue Sky
Being a die-hard Wilco fan, SBS was a shoe-in for my top 10. Still, Tweedy’s lyrics and the band’s mature, mellow style make this a solid album and a great listen—not to mention a fantastic live show. Try “You Are My Face”. Lovely…

1. The Shins Wincing the Night Away
Wincing came out early in 2007 and yet it remains in my continuous play lineup. My MOM even liked this one! I can take this album on a road trip, to the gym, on a run, and back home and have yet to put it away. Kudos to The Shins for capturing—and keeping my attention in 2007!

Been working on Wizard of Oz with a few dedicated students. I laugh more with these kids than with most adults I know.

And my sweet Lilly--good QT with her. She got a BIG WHEEL this year.

Happy 2008.

I am looking forward to what lies ahead...sui generis

look what I can do...

2007-12-30T10:49:00.000-06:00

OK, brace yourself.
about me: if I get an idea in my head about changing something, I will do it. And sooner rather than later. I plan, I dream, I do the research and then--I make it happen.
So yeah, the bathroom floor. What a mess...

can you say an extra layer of vinyl under the first layer? Can you say the worst mildew smell EVER??

But check out the NEW and IMPROVED floor...
now to get that toilet back in place.

Happy New Year!

tinkerbell

2007-12-17T13:11:00.000-06:00

birthday presents are soooo nice!
thanks Big C!

"just another day"

2007-12-11T08:30:00.000-06:00

Every Day She Takes A Morning Bath She Wets Her Hair,
Wraps A Towel Around Her
As She's Heading For The Bedroom Chair,
It's Just Another Day.
Slipping Into Stockings,
Stepping Into Shoes,
Dipping In The Pocket Of Her Raincoat.
Ah, It's Just Another Day.
At The Office Where The Papers Grow She Takes A Break,
Drinks Another Coffee
And She Finds It Hard To Stay Awake,
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
Lt's Just Another Day.

So Sad, So Sad,
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.
Alone In Her Apartment She'd Dwell,
Till The Man Of Her Dreams Comes To Break The Spell.
Ah, Stay, Don't Stand Around
And He Comes And He Stays
But He Leaves The Next Day,
So Sad.
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.

As She Posts Another Letter To The Sound Of Five,
People Gather 'Round Her
And She Finds It Hard To Stay Alive,
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day.

"Title of the Song"

2007-12-07T10:36:00.001-06:00

A colleague pointed this out to my department today totally making fun of Boy Bands. I couldnt get the links to work but just go here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc1Js9P3urw

read the lyrics: totally brilliant!

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

(Chorus)
Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation
CHORUS
Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...
CHORUS

"Title of the Song"

2007-12-07T10:36:00.000-06:00

A colleague pointed this out to my department today totally making fun of Boy Bands. I couldnt get the links to work but just to here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc1Js9P3urw

read the lyrics: totally brilliant!

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

(Chorus)
Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation
CHORUS
Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...
CHORUS

28 days peace, love and understanding

2007-12-04T12:00:00.000-06:00

Things I understand:
morning coffee
pleasure in a tough cardio workout
eating to live
solitude
the silence between blackout and curtain call
internal rollercoasters
boiling time for pasta (al dente)
the smell of winter
the ache of loneliness
vibrations of others
hard work and payoffs
discipline

Things I don't:
social climbers and gold diggers
the world of politics on all levels
insincerity
sports
the rights of privilege
trust
lechery
new year's eve
anything in excess
***

Lately my dreams have been vivid and extreme. Lots of snakes, ticks, bee stings and pants wetting. Fortunately no tornado dreams. Still I wonder what is going on with my subconscious mind. And my conscious one as well..
I don't know where I am going with this post.

I have been thinking about an old friend lately. I wonder how he is doing in Portland. I try to picture what he looks like now. Have not seen him in years. I don't miss him. I don't love him. Just on my mind. Hope he is well.

28 days are past and I feel fine. More than fine. Wishing you good karma.
***

This song seems to be especially on my mind lately.. you go Elvis
And as I walk on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

"magnetizing"

2007-11-26T06:44:00.000-06:00

off of Minx by MARSMOBIL

you seem to be so lonely
you naughty girl
you never show your feelings
but who can tell?
let me see you smile again
step inside
you are the queen of every day
dont be blind
why don't you smile just one time?
stand beside me
knowing that love can heal you
how good it can be.

your magnetizing cosmic eyes
you're trying to hide
i waiting for this moment
that you arrive
why dont you smile just one time
stand beside me
knowing that love can heal you
how good it can be
***
looks good on paper but not so much in real life, eh?
Am feeling back to where I was in July before I fell off the planet and lost my balance. Glad to be back to even footing and emotional stability. I hate getting off track or distracted by stupidity or sparkly bling. So I lost a few months--'sokay I am making great gains now.

I was once told that you can learn something from everyone you meet. I guess there are acceptions. Still, my skin is--as Andrew B would say back to tough. The scars are healed and I am not going there again.

Thanksgiving was good. I didn't allow emotions to flood me with feeling. I remained calm, unmoved, detatched and safe. Still, I was able to relax, enjoy and appreciate those in my life who care about me.
This year I am most thankful for my daughter Lilly.

I am also thankful for my inspiring, fabulous, creative, complicated, beautiful, smarmy, savvy, flexible, tough, strong self.

touche!

Whenever

2007-11-18T09:17:00.000-06:00

Whenever I need a friend,
It's you I come round to see again,
You know that I'll always be near,
You're flesh and blood and you're my memory,
Live on in my memory.

I send you nothing but love,
Just wait and see,
I send you nothing but love,
Just wait for me,
Wait and see,
Wait and see.

Great words, you know all the right words to say,
You don't always lean in my way,
You don't always mean what you say.

And because love battles

2007-11-13T12:09:00.000-06:00

And because love battles
not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women,
I will finish off by taking the path away
to those who between my chest and your fragrance
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where
it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love.

"Sweetness and Light"

2007-11-12T06:29:00.000-06:00

I was getting ready this morning--the usual routine-
when Frankie played a Portastatic song that fit me perfectly.
I had the album but put it away last year, as it didn't seem to fit my current mood, situation, etc.
but now it does.... this song especially.

And after last night's discussion
I wanted to say thank you and as I turned out the light, was hoping that you were not put off by the rant...

Still I wonder, how much do I have to fight? How much do I just let happen?
Love is like musical chairs and I will be the one standing without the chair.
***

Oh look what just came rolling down this morning's face
some shining tears from sleepy eyes won't go to waste
I've got a lucite frame been filling up with rain
in red with one wax pencil we mark the time and date
I'm gonna turn this truck around
when we run out of space..

You say why can't you sing of hopeful things
and skies that go from gray to blue
I know my voice is like a broken saw
I know my voice is like a tightening screw
If I could write a song of sweetness and light for you
oh honey that's just the first thing I would do.

There is a temperature where even we must take the armor off
a point at which the carapace can just dissolve
and while the water rises cool and clear around your knees
we'll watch while clouds that covered us are broken by the breeze.

You say why can't you sing of hopeful things
and skies that go from gray to blue
I know my voice is like a broken saw
I know my voice is like a tightening screw
If I could write a song of sweetness and light for you
oh honey that's just the first thing I would do

***

mind over matter

2007-11-11T15:24:00.000-06:00

(with special permission by OJ, november 8)

It's true. That's really all it is.
I can achieve anything I want with mind over matter.
Powerful feeling--and knowing you can do it makes it even easier and scarier! It is especially true with physical challenges for me: natural childbirth, tri-athalons, power workouts. I love to push my body beyond its physical limits. It's really all about mind-power. Control, sweet control.

Besides learning Chess (played and lost a few times now.) I have decided to tryout for the Roller Derby Girls with Bleeding Heartland here in town. I had not been on skates for, gosh, it has been since 7th grade when I couple skated backwards with my first boyfriend, Doug Emmonds to "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
So, I went to open skate Thursday with a few pals and guess what?
I was fast. I was good. And I wiped out HARD.
It didn't take long to remember how much I enjoyed skaing. And now on to strategy...
Can I handle getting taken down, punched in the face and decked in the shins? I think I have enough aggression lying dormant to blow the whole damn town to hell.
Nothing is gonna stop me from making the team. Well, unless I decide I don't want to do it.

Mind over matter. So you can call me Rad Rage. I think that will be my new name.

how's the coffee, lovah?
-RAD RAGE

nature's way

2007-11-08T08:01:00.000-06:00

who knows where the time goes

2007-11-07T07:55:00.000-06:00

Across the evening sky, all the birds are leaving
But how can they know it's time for them to go?
Before the winter fire, I will still be dreaming
I have no thought of time

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
Sad, deserted shore, your fickle friends are leaving
Ah, but then you know it's time for them to go
But I will still be here, I have no thought of leaving
I do not count the time

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
And I am not alone while my love is near me
I know it will be so until it's time to go
So come the storms of winter and then the birds in spring again
I have no fear of time

For who knows how my love grows?
And who knows where the time goes?

A few things I have been thinking about lately:
*It takes 28 days to kick a habit. I think this is day 20.
*Friends are such an incredible resource.
*Forgiveness is one of the most selfless acts that humans can do for each other.
-thank you for forgiving me.
*It has been the latest, longest and most beautiful fall in Indiana to date.
* bLEEDING HEARTLAND ROLLER GIRLS--SIGN ME UP!