"Lawman" Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlins

Here's my vibe today. Chill.

I've noticed that my songs aren't able to play lately. I've got to figure out that glitch. The past few songs I have posted are beautiful eclectic melodies.

The earth is waking up and it brings me joy. Is it weird that the smell of someone cutting their grass makes me so happy?

And don't get me started on the smell of chlorine for the pool! The windows are open and the fresh air soothes my soul.

Today's confession: THE GEARHEAD

Wednesdays used to be my radio show-therapy- and then wine bar night. B-town had an awesome wine bar that offered live music and tapas and an atmosphere beyond compare. It was my favorite spot to decompress, meet friends and spill the tea, or to celebrate big victories. I knew the owners and most of the bartenders ( most of them were music majors or opera singers bc they could pronounce some of the foreign wines correctly). I was still married when I started going to Tuto. So the bar got me through the rough times and then the aftermath. At the time, my hair salon was located downstairs, and I suggested to the owners of both places to offer glasses of wine to women getting their hair done. I recall a sad day when I was getting my hair done and working through hard stuff that I sat in the chair and sobbed. My stylist didn't say anything, she just let me cry. It might have been not long after I fled the house to a nearby neighbor and spent the night in the women's shelter. She didn't make me pay for the cut. She just gave me a hug and sent me on my way.

Whooosh. Where did that memory come from?

So GEARHEAD worked in IT for IU and had all the gadgets and wore them proudly. He had the phone thing that attached to your ear and he wore those toe shoes. He was a smartie but was a little off, maybe on the spectrum. I wasn't attracted to him in the slightest. But he was a wine drinker and he had a wad of cash. Oh, and his birthday fit into the December 4 people (remember what I said about meeting people around certain dates? yeah.) Gearhead would meet me at Tuto on Wednesdays (that was the only time we really ever hung out) and we would have a few and then go back to my place, where he would bring over several bottles of expensive reds.

I woke up many a Thursday morning with a massive hangover back in those days.

Again, it wasn't as if we were a couple, although I am sure he would have wanted more. I don't think he was able to express feelings very well, and in my state at the time, I wouldn't know how to deal with them.

One time when I was really sad, he took me to a nail salon. I think it was when the Colts were going to the Superbowl. He brought a bottle of champagne and we both got pedicures. he had his toes painted with Colts colors---blue and white.

Thing about him-- he didn't live far from my Westminster condo, so he would walk home after a night of debauchery. He never let me in his house. Never suggested we go to his place. I wonder if it was a total mess or what. I always wondered about that.

So after Tuto closed and we were donesville, he started to hang out as a regular at THE DAD'S haunt. I always wondered if they ever talked about me. I'm sure they did. That feels dirty.

I have never seen GEARHEAD with a woman since and feel bad for him. I have that effect on men that get too close to the flame. Did I break him? I'm so sorry.

"Elegantly Wasted" Hermanos Gutierrez featuring Leon Bridges

I really dig this song. It was playing on my way to the Y this morning. A beautiful sexy song. Enjoy!

My new glasses make me look like a combination of Rachel Maddow, Jamie Lee Curtis and Macaulay Culkin's younger brother, Kieran in Home Alone where he plays Kevin's nerdy cousin!

Today I ventured out to try a new winery up in Bargersville of all places. Most of these Indiana wineries cater to the sweet fruit wine drinkers, but this one had a few dry wines that were palatable. The vibe was chill and the place also offered a soup and charcuterie in what appeared to be an old barn at one time. The Mallow Run Winery sits out on a large patch of land with a small music venue. I would say this would be a perfect first date kind of place. The homemade jalepeno cheddar bread was amazing (even if I am in training) I tried it anyway.

Man, what a feeling to not have to prepare for school on a Sunday and just enjoy the beautiful spring day without the Sunday Scaries! I know my theatre friends are under serious pressure and stress right now. Big Love to them as they gear up for the big show of their seasons.

As for me, I focus on training. I will attempt 7-8 miles tomorrow. I had an easy 1 mile run today with 5 minute intervals after and a hard lift. I feel strong. I feel good. But I desperately need to up my mileage this month. NO EXCUSES!

"You and We" Jose Gonzalez

I stumbled across this beautiful little melody this morning. I don't even know this artist, but I like what I am hearing. It's a simple song but it lifts the spirits. Take a listen.

It is a cold and rainy spring day here in the mid-west. I am feeling a touch lazy but content. It has been a wild 8 months. I am coming up on the anniversay of my retirement in May. I really didn't feel "retired" until August, when everyone went back to school, so I am not counting the first 3 months--summer vacation, don't you know?

Man, it has been nothing like what I pictured it would be. You really cannot plan your life precisely. I am looking back at the goals I set pre-retirement and much of it didn't play out the way I thought it would. Still, I can cross things off my bucket list and I have seen some great shows, great cities, and had some adventures to boot.

goal 1: Train for the Mini Marathon.

This has been the most challenging but the most positive goal that I have been working on. It stalled out at the beginning of summer with injuries that I have felt off target ever since. But I went from 153 pounds and not being able to run a mile to now 128 pounds and can walk/run 6 miles. I have a month to go, and I need to keep up the pace.

goal 2: Find Purposful Work

This goal didn't play out exactly as I thought it would. But there must be other things in the mix that have not yet been revealed to me. Still, working the long-term sub gig has been extremely fufilling and has kept me connected with the one steady in my life- my-school. I have another long term position set for the month of May through the end of the school year. Here's hoping my other side gig will offer me some work travel opportunities this summer.

goal 3: Create Art

While on a work trip, I came across a picture hanging in the lobby of a hotel that inspired me. Since then, I have created 3 pieces and have started a 4th.

I have been writing every day since January. It's obviously not much substance, but it is an exercise in repetition that is a good outlet for me. My creativity was key to life as a teacher, and I need that to be ever present now. I also need to get back into playing my guitars. I have not been working on my house projects as much as I had hoped--plus with less money it's hard to justify creating a beautiful space right now. Someday soon.

Here are other cool things I have done in the past 10 months:

Visited Madison, WI, Orlando, FL, St. Louis, MO, Corydon, IN, Louisville, KY, Columbus, OH, Washington, D.C., Chicago, IL, Muncie, IN, Pasadena, CA

Saw Eric Clapton, Jeff Tweedy, Gillian Welch, Jim Gaffigan, Nate Bargetzie, and a Candlelight Christmas Carol concert, did the traditional Nutcracker Ballet-- will see Andrew Bird, Wilco and David Byrne in the upcoming months. I am also headed to Sonoma and taking the train to The Grand Canyon in May.

Visited various wineries and distilleries around Indiana and have tasted hundreds of different wines, beers and spirits for the completion of my Beverage Management Career Certificate, of which I have been taking classes since August. This experience has been a game changer for me and my knowledge of beer, wine and spirits.

Visited the Cave System of Southern Indiana

Decorated the White House for Christmas

Experienced a Professional Bull Riding Competition

Hiked the trails of Clifty Falls, Brown County St. Park, Dunes of Indiana

Saw a Cubs game in Wrigley Field

Joined a book club and have read 6 books (I know, not a lot, but for me it is!)

Ran a 5K Turkey Trot

Walked for Alzheimers

Went to 3 IU Football games and 5 IU Men's Basketball games

Toured The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Heard Pete Buttigieg speak at IU

Participated in the Womensbuild

I fixed my record player and am now playing vinyl!

Applied for a Legacy Award through Road Scholars (fingers crossed!)

"Make You Better" The Decemberists

Ahhh... nothing like sitting in a dim, windowless room with nothing but a computer screen and cinderblock walls on all sides. I don't know how someone could do this job day in, day out with basically no human interaction. And the interactions are with the kids who just got in trouble. Actually, I know most of them, so it's been ok.

I was looking for a band that I used to listen to back in the day. I remember how much I loved The Decemberists and saw them FRONT ROW at the Bus Chumb-- I even caught Colin's guitar pick at the show! So here's this one for today.

Who should I write about today? My Confession: THE HASHER

If you don't know (and most people don't) what a Hasher is or even what Hashing is, you'll just have to look it up. It's a whole thing to try to explain. I had been part of the our kennel for a year or so when THE HASHER joined our cozy big group. He looked exactly like Anderson Cooper (and he knew it too) and there wasn't a mirror he would walk past without preening himself. His former longtime girlfriend was a designer I used to work with but had lost touch with over the years. She was a beautiful and talented soul. (remember what i said about being too pretty/handsome?) If these two would have had children they would be beautiful-INSANE but beautiful.

THE HASHER was a major flirt and someone I would never usually date. He was like a rooster strutting around with his pecs out-- the best character I would say he reminded me of was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. I remember how he would sweat profusley (doing anything-- I'll let you imagine) and after a run would like to strip down to practically nothing. If there was a hash with the end point being near water, he was the first to get naked and jump in. Another fun detail, at hashes, kilts were popular with many of the male attendees. THE HASHER didn't wear his tighty whities (or anything) under his kilt. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to nakedness. But when you are outright flaunting it to everyone, it's a bit much.

Don't ask me what the attraction for me was to him. I think I liked that I was faster than he was. In fact, I was an FRB (front running bastard) and he couldn't keep up.

I stopped hashing because of him. And that wasn't fair. I was good and I enjoyed the challenge, the people and the beer. Maybe I'll get back into it now.

Suffice to say, our time together was short, as he was a swinger and I had my dignity. Last I heard, he hitched up with a fat bottomed girl (he was into big butts-- and, well, I am not well endowed) living off her income out West somewhere.

ON! ON!

"Jane" Bare Naked Ladies

Today's Confession: THE ATHLETE

This confession is a little fuzzy on dates and I can't even remember the last name of THE ATHLETE, but the details I do recall. Before I get to my confession, I wanted to share something that I have observed in my dating career and that is: NEVER DATE SOMEONE WHO YOU THINK IS BETTER LOOKING THAN YOU.

It's true. At least in my experiences. I think the rules aren't the same when finding a life partner--there are other factors to consider, but in this case if you are planning to reproduce, having an attractive spouse isn't a bad plan. Still, while dating, if you don't want to be dumped, cheated on or left heart-broken, you better be the more attractive in the relationship.

Now, please, don't think I am shallow. I am not. I have been there before. I was the ugly duckling. I am admitting it. Just stay with me, here.

I can think of other reasons that some of the guys I dated potentially left. Most of the time it had to do with not wanting to mess with a kid that wasn't theirs. I get that. It also seems that these guys were a handful of years younger than I was, and usually that is a turn off too (dating an older gal). Dating in my late 40's guys were always looking younger. And often times, MUCH YOUNGER. But I was in my 20's when I met this one, so this was pre-kid-prime time peak physique for me.

THE ATHLETE was better looking than me.

I mean, he was Adonis, and I was no Venus. Now, there's a sad story..Anyway, I was lifeguarding at the local gym in the summer months to make a little extra money but also, I was in training for a mini triathlon, so I was putting in the time. I met THE ATHLETE in the pool, as he would come in during my shift to swim laps. I'm talking ripped like I've never seen before. He was built like a brick shithouse. There was only one thing about him that was odd:

He only had one leg.

The story as he told it goes when he was a boy he grew up on a farm and would take the tractor out to mow or do fieldwork (again, some of it is fuzzy). One day while he was mowing, the tractor flipped and it severed his leg just above the knee. So he uses a prostetic. He was in school at the time and was planning to specialize in prostetics so he could help other patients who suffered like he did as a boy.

Pretty impressive story, to be sure. Sad thing, THE ATHLETE liked to just talk about his training, his diet, and even more boring, his past races. This was the 90's, before cell phones had great cameras, but I suffered through a few albums of race photos in other countries and here at home. Yikes!

I hope THE ATHLETE is out there doing what he set out to do and making people feel like they can recover from something so agonizing.

Wonder what his wife looks like...

"Portions for Foxes" Rilo Kiley

Another blast from the past-- I heard it on Sirus XM this weekend. This song rocks out.

It's bad news/baby I'm bad news/ I'm just bad news bad news bad news..

Last night in Spirits 101 I got to try 5 different gins. I am not a gin drinker, so this was quite an experience for me. I learned that I prefer Tanqueray over Bombay Sapphire, and Gordon's is absolute TRASH. Also, Aviation American Gin is a celebrity gin (Ryan Reynolds) and it is pretty darn good. Next week's spirit: Whiskey.

We are rivers, not straight lines. In Memoirs of a Geisha, the protagonist Sayuri is told she has "water" in her personality because she is fluid and adaptable, unlike her sister who is rooted like wood. A key quote regarding her nature is: "My mother always said my sister Satsu was like wood; as rooted to the earth as a sakura tree. But she told me I was like water. Water can carve its way even through stone...and when trapped, water makes a new path."

I'd like to think I am more like water.

Or Fire

Have you enjoyed the confessions? Which do you like best? I've got more to share if you'll let me. Let's see, today I'll share my Confession of THE SOLDIER

THE SOLDIER also lived in my childhood neighborhood, actually just around the corner from THE POET growing up. He was a grade lower than me. Back in high school he used to call my younger sister, who had no interest in him. Sometimes THE SOLDIER would call and she would have me talk to him, as we had very similar voices and he never knew it was me.

Nothing materialized from those talks for any of us. I was seeing someone at the time and had no interest in him back then. He was just a younger boy who had the hots for my little sister.

Flash Forward to my sophomore year in college, when Little 5 was amping up. I lived in a double single in Teter Quad, THE SOLDIER lived in Ashton, which was just across the street. FUN FACT: THE SHOWMAN also spent some time living in Ashton and I recall visiting his dorm room once. Small, disgusting world, isn't it? So this particular Little 5, I was dumped by THE ACTOR (more on him later) who pledged Phi Delt and thought the sorority girls were a step up from me, so THE SOLDIER and I started to hang out together.

We dated through college, with a few breakups here and there. I was lavaliered the fall of my senior year, and so we were what you would call serious. I decided to add a minor to my credentials in order to get a job faster, which made me have to stay in school an extra semester, so we graduated together.

He was in ROTC and did all the Airborne and Air Assult Camps for Officer Basic Training. THE SOLDIER was then stationed in Schweinfurt, Germany, set to leave just weeks after graduation. He offered me an engagement ring, but moving to Germany and living on an Army base was not in the cards for me. I wanted to live independently. I was too young to marry and felt that I needed to experience life on my own.

So I turned him down.

We kept in touch, and after my first year of teaching, I took a plane to Germany to see him. We traveled all over Europe-- Germany, Belgium, France, Netherlands in his little white BMW. It was a life changing experience, going to clubs in Amsterdam, drinking German beer with a spoon, visiting a death camp, driving across the Autobaun, seeing the Eiffel Tower and the Louve and Manneken Pis.

We both moved on with our lives, married, had kids. I would consider THE SOLDIER a great friend.

On the morning of my dad's funeral decades later, who walks into the church to pay his respects?

THE SOLDIER

"No Rain, No Flowers" The Black Keys

A song for those who need to hear it today. It inspires me. I am working hard on all the things. I am feeling stronger physically and mentally. Weak in the heartstrings, and that's okay.

Today's confession: THE PHILOSOPHER

It was just before Thanksgiving Break of my sophomore year at university and back then you only got Wednesday thru Friday off. These days the kids get the whole week off, as they should. I guess I was 18, about to turn 19 at the time. My big sis was my ride home, and she loved to work in her studio more than taking time to visit our family, so the plan was to leave Thanksgiving morning. I was taking a class in Religious Studies on Christianity, Judaism and Islam. I missed a required film session about said topic, and the A.I. for my section offered to set up the missed film that Wednesday afternoon ( it was at the main library) for me. Since I was stuck on campus an extra night, and all of my friends were gone, I figured--what the heck. I was pretty naive, I know. You probably see where this is going already.

After the film, THE PHILOSOPHER suggested we get some dinner and he knew a great place. It was the deck that The Upstairs Pub took over and I think it served Tibetan food. THE PHILOSOPHER was interesting and discussed philosophy, theology and more. He must have been in his early 20's at the time, maybe 25 or so, but to me he seemed so worldly.

He suggested we play some pool at a divey bar ( The Office Lounge) on the outskirts of town that didn't card, and so I went. This was my first time in a bar and I was drinking PBR and playing pool with my A.I! WTF?

We went back to his apartment not far from the bar and listened to Brian Ferry's Boys and Girls album and he showed me his books and relics from places he had visited in far away lands I never dreamed to see.

This night solidified Boys and Girls as a makeout record. He took me home late that night.

Fortunately, there were only a few weeks left in the semester, and those small group discussions were difficult. He never called or even talked to me after that night. I guess because I didn't go all the way with him-- I wonder how many other coeds he coersed into going home with him.

I changed my class to PASS-FAIL to be sure he didn't try anything weird.

I have never told anyone this happened.

"Guess I'm Falling in Love" Spoon

New stuff from Spoon. Great song. Take listen...

I'm back. I needed a little break but don't want to lose the habit of writing every day, so here I am.

"The Great Divide" Noah Kahan

This song plays a lot on Spectrum. My girl loves Noah Kahan and it was playing when we went to get the kitties.

Windows down, music blaring, we were singing at the top of our lungs.

Going to take a few days out in the wilderness.

"More Than This" Roxy Music

The snow is falling again. Days like these make me tired and unmotivated. I did do some art this morning and I think I'll pick up my acoustic again today. My calluses have disappeared and I have not been playing as much as I had hoped.

Since I have been working so much I feel like I am on spring break like the rest of Bloomington. Too bad it feels like winter and I'm not going anywhere for now.

The kitties are bonding and are happy here. Cleo slept next to me last night and they were both on the bed by morning. They like to come into the bathroom when I pee--reaching up to give me kitty kisses. We made the right call getting both of them. Pretty sure they are litter mates. I can tell they are grateful. Yay!

Roxy Music was a fav back in the day. Brian Ferry looks like a stupid head in this video though. Did you ever see Lost in Translation with Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson? If not, I would suggest it to you. Here's a quick summary:

Fun Fact: When I visited Tokyo, I stayed at the same hotel they filmed this movie. It also has a great soundtrack, with the final song (and heartbreaking scene) from Jesus and the Mary Chain, "Just Like Honey." I think I'll add that one here as well since it's so good. Man, the guitar in this song.. ah.

I digress-- In the film there is a scene when the two go out and sing karaoke (because, well Japan, duh!) and Murray sings "More than this." He does a bang up job, too.

"La femme d'argent" Air Moon Safari

I picked this record up the other night at the local record shop where the prices are OUTRAGEOUS and they are always out of what I want. I'm sure it's hard to be basically the only place in town that carries this particular type of music and to keep it in stock. I just need to take a trip up to the Ripple and hit Indy CD and Vinyl or Luna Music.

So I listened to some cool grooves and played this one in its entirety and would say the whole album could be its own makeout tape! I just forgot how much I dig this record!

We adopted two cats today. They are in hiding under couches and beds but I can tell they will like it here. Lilly decided on Cleo and Cosmos for the names. We also scattered Percy's ashes around the property. There were some tears, but I think of things with Divine Timing, and that is just what this was. I'm looking fwd to the day when these two beauties will trust me and will show their true personalities.

"Indoor Fireworks" Elvis Costello

Up next meet:

THE PHILOSOPHER or THE BIKER or THE PHILANTHROPIST

We ran 3 miles today at a 9:40 (is that a pace? It was nine minutes and something). She's a good running partner. Today we are going cat shopping, although I think it is still too soon. Lilly has a way with animals (and people too). Being an empath, she feels more from others, which is sometimes good, but it can take a toll. I have to really work at raising my vibration when she is around, even when I am feeling sad because I know she can tell.

THE BIKER

I met THE BIKERat a popular hipster coffee shop I used to frequent after the divorce. It was my Saturday and often Sunday morning ritual to sip java and write. They had outdoor seating, which in the warmer months, was sanctuary for me.

I was much older than a lot of the college kids and 20 somethings who worked there and hung around. I got excellent music referrals from the hours I was there. Did a lot of deep introspection in that place...

Anyway, the Biker was part of a small crew of us who would commune on those Saturday mornings. He was a lab assistant in the Jordan building and was closer in age than the rest of the young folks. I noticed him because he always rode a motorcycle. It was a bright blue Honda Shadow, the same bike as THE DAD rode, so I was familiar with it. In fact, I am sure that is why we got to talking in the first place. We never really dated per se, we just talked and sometimes would go on a ride. I also watched his cat when he would leave town.

He was an odd guy, but friendly. He lived in a tiny attic next door to his mom's old antique store, and would look after it if she needed him in a pinch. I loved that store because she had cats and they would help you find treasures as you passsed through the rooms.

He didn't own much and liked it that way. He also owned a cat.

I like cat people.

Each winter, he would ride his motorcycle to Key West and stay for a few months. I'm really not sure what kind of kink he was into, but whatever it was, he hid it well. he seemed to appear and disappear from town a lot. He knew the art of detachment.

Several years later, I was at the Corporate Coffee working on something (it was close to work and I was on a deadline). I was sitting outside and heard a motorcycle roll up. It was THE BIKER. We laughed because back in the day everyone at our shop would rail on corporate coffee as if just going there made you a terrible no good consumer who didn't help out local businesses. We talked for awhile and then he left.

I haven't seen the biker since that day. I hope he is down in the Keys with a few cats living like Ernest Hemmingway--without all the bar fights.

"April, Come She Will" Simon and Garfunkel

This song. It stirs up so much. Beautiful Simplicity.

The trees are flowering, the forsythias are blooming and the Willow trees are in bloom. I can see the starts of so many plants and flowers and new life everywhere.

I know a secret dafodill farm on the southeast side of town. An old friend lived in a rental adjacent to the property and she discovered it one spring. The dafodills carpeted the ground for miles. This isn't the Link Observatory up near Martinsville. This is a hidden plot of land with so many varities of blooms you want to make boquets for everyone you know. I would love to go back to see if it is still there.

Anyway, I am finding joy in these simple things--the season's change and the warmth of the sun on my face. Cheers to the weekend.