I got up early, worked out and took a tour around the city. I love the dry heat and the smell of the southwest. The flowers and trees are so different--as well as the bird calls. Took in The Alamo and the Mission. There was an old Mission style Catholic Church just opening its doors for Sunday worshipers, and I considered for a second to go in and sit, but decided against it.
All the women on this trip wear crosses and last night at dinner they spoke of their MEGA churches. I felt like I was judged because I ordered a Mezcal and soda as they sipped their room temperature water and ate their salmon salads.
The Women's Leadership Summit is also happening at the same venue that we are working this week. It features women whom I would never want to hear speak--like Erika Kirk, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Leigh- Allen Baker. I am in the wrong place this week!
Speaking of places to go, I am almost through Suzanne Redfearn's Call of the Camino and really enjoy how the author set up the character lines in this book. It does seem like another adventure that would be life changing-- to walk the Way of Saint James. Given what she writes about with these characters experiences on the path, it is grueling for even an experienced hiker.
I think if I were looking for an experience that would change me completely it would be attempting the 500 mile Camino de Santiago in Spain.
Thoiught I would put up a song with a little Spanish flair. I saw this band back in my dj days at the Bus Chumb. They give off serious masculine energy. I could feel it so strongly and I was sitting up in the balcony.
I created my summer 2026 pool list and am listening to it as I fly out west. Many of the songs on the list came from this blog. "Angel from Montgomery " is currently playing. For some reason I feel like crying. Not sure why. I've been short fused and impatient lately. Hopefully this trip will give me the space I need to do something productive and yet take the down time to regroup and figure some shit out.
There is a woman I used to work with that isn't on this work trip but just happens to be vacationing in San Antonio who is friends with my travel partner. I would consider her to be judgmental and critical and to be honest, is not a nice person. Her first words to me were, "Wow, you have lost a lot of weight." First of all, I have learned in the past 8 months that there is a right way and a wrong way to comment on a woman's weight. In my encounters with all kinds of people, only two (who both happen to be teachers) were rude about it. She is one of them.
In case you were wondering, the first way is to say nothing. But if you must comment, you say, "You look great!"
Anyway, I am glad she decided not to work for ST this summer because I can't stand her.
Was thinking about a friend that I lost touch with today-- and I realized that I don't make friends easy because I give too much of myself and they freak out. Then I play the tape in my head as to what I did wrong. Over and Over. Ha-- Gillian Welch just sang, "though there was a time when you and I were friends..." From her song "The Way It Goes" Funny but sad. Now I am crying.
I think some people are just better as loners. I am emotionally open and too vulnerable because being real is something I expect from a friend, too.
Losing someone is harder than just NOT engaging. Full Stop.
When I first got divorced, I met a friend who lived in my neighborhood. She had a daughter who was in my girl's class and we did everything together. Our favorite thing to do was to drink cheap wine and read tarot cards while the girls played. She was getting her P.H.D. in Harpsichord Pedigogy. I thought, "Wow, a real friend! Finally!"
One summer day, I went over to see her, and there was a note taped to the door. " STUDYING FOR EXAMS DO NOT DISTURB." I knocked anyway. No answer.
I called and texted only to have it go straight to VM-- and the mailbox was full.
We were in the middle of making plans to go to Disneyworld with our girls-- a big step for me to trust someone-- especially after the divorce. I understood her need to study, but to completely shut me out so abruptly and without notice was too much for me.
She never returned a single response for 2 years. I was heartbroken-- what did I do?
A few years later, I learned that her ex-husband (who was a total asshole of a man) died suddenly, so I reached out to her to see how she was doing with it all. She started chatting away like that long hiatus never happened. I see her around occasionally and she inquires about my girl and tells me her drama-- usually standing in a random parking lot around town. I never asked why she ghosted me. It was a lonely time for me and the loss of her upset me for a very long time. Yay, I'm crying again!
I guess people all handle friendships differently. I just keep picking the wrong ones. Wounded birds they all seem to be. I'm there to fix them--knowing I can't--I can only encourage, but I guess I am overwhelming instead. Then they are gone.
I guess we were never really friends. I was just a person who made them feel good for a time,made them feel seen and heard, gave them valadation, accepted them for their flaws and loved them unconditionally.
Why would I want to go through that again? Some people seem to have so many friends and are always busy making plans. There's just not enough room in their lives for one more.
My sweet daughter took the plunge and applied to med school yesterday. Over $900 for the application process to god knows how many schools. My hope is that she gets one closer than Cali or Utah, but that she is happy with the outcome. Marion College in Indy looks promising, but she has cast a wide net and is hoping for the best.
We decided to train for a mini triathlon at the end of August. I am actually not as nervous about this as I was for the Mini, but I need to get out there and do all three at once.
It will be nice to leave town this weekend for a few days and take in some new scenery. Even though it is work it will be a break from the routine here at home.
I think I am sitting at what seems like 28 days and the new habit has been established.
This song plays a lot on my new wave station and I am grateful for that. While I always took the song at face value, this time I decided to look up the meaning behind the lyrics and was surprised at what I found.
I ended up going down a rabbit hole, but eventually landed on THIS MUSIC BLOG that breaks the song and the video down quite nicely.
I learned (how did I NOT know this about one of my favorite playwrights?) Tennessee Williams wrote a one-act, "Suddenly Last Summer" is called "a dark psychological Southern Gothic tale.. It centers on a wealthy matriarch (Violet) trying to bribe a doctor into performing a lobotomy on her niece (Catharine--spelled the same way too!) to silence the sordid, terrifying truth about the mysterious death of her son (Sebastian)."
Lead Singer Martha Davis said there was no correlation to the play (Williams died in 1983, the same year the song came out). "'Suddenly Last Summer' percolated for years. The song, written after her parents had died — her mom by suicide and her dad from illness — is a reflection on those moments in life when things are changing, like when it’s a beautiful sunny day and a cold wind blows and you know the end of summer is coming."
Of course Hollywood got hold of it and in 1959 came out with the film (screenplay by Gore Vidal).
I am feeling so much today. It has been nice to have a few days of solitude to just sit with everything. I'm not sure if watching Stephen Colbert all week has made me a tad weepy, or the ending of school and now feeling like I have no purpose and need to figure it out yesterday...
I wonder how Stephen feels right now, actually.
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
It would be too convenient for something to just fall into my lap. But damn, it would be nice.
Then I found this-- I could relate for the most part, but the end was what got me:
I was standing in the kitchen, looking at a list I had made for the weekend.
Meals.
Activities.
Who was coming over.
What everyone would enjoy.
I had done this for years without thinking about it.
I was the one who made things happen.
The one who made sure everyone else had a good time.
And suddenly… I didn’t want to anymore.
Not because I didn’t care.
But because I realized I hadn’t been part of the fun in a long time.
I was organizing it.
Managing it.
Making sure it worked.
But I wasn’t really in it.
So I said something out loud that felt strange even as I said it.
“I don’t want to be the one in charge of the fun this summer.”
There was a pause.
And then I added, “I want to enjoy it too.”
It sounds small.
But it wasn’t.
Because for years, that role had quietly become part of who I was.
Chief planner.
Chief coordinator.
Chief everything.
And stepping back from it felt uncomfortable.
Almost like I was letting something slip.
But here’s what surprised me.
The more I let go, the more I started to notice what I actually wanted.
Not what worked for everyone else.
Not what filled the time.
But what felt good to me.
Some days it was simple.
A walk.
A quiet morning.
Saying no without explaining it.
Other days it meant letting someone else take the lead.
Even if they didn’t do it the way I would have.
Especially then.
It hasn’t been easy.
There are moments where I still want to jump back in and take over.
Moments where doing less feels like I’m doing something wrong.
But I’m starting to see something I didn’t see before.
How much of my life had been shaped by roles I never questioned.
And how easy it is to carry those roles straight into this next chapter… without realizing it.
This phase isn’t just about having more time.
It’s about noticing how you’re using it.
And whether you’re still living inside patterns that no longer fit.
So I’ve been asking myself something I didn’t used to ask.
Not what needs to get done.
But where I actually want to be.
And what I want that to feel like.
I’m still figuring it out.
But I know this part is true.
I don’t want to just create the life around me anymore.
I want to be inside it.
What role have you been playing for so long… you forgot to ask if you still want it?
I thought "shine" was an appropriate song for today since it has been raining non-stop for days with no end in sight. It is putting a damper on my desire to jump into summer mode with the cold temps and gray skies.
Today is the last day of school-- officially hitting my one year anniversary of "retirement." The last day of school I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish this year. Some of them didn't surface, like "Get a new job" Or "Find a new Identity"-- I guess that is an ongoing thing?
I think if everyone had an opportunity to take a gap year, they would be so much happier with their lives. I know that isn't possible, but it's true.
I had a pretty unbelievable year with lots of things I didn't see coming-- Here are some highlights (Please don't think I'm bragging! I just have a Lust for Lists!):
As of August, I have lost 30 pounds.
Percey, my cat, died and I got 2 new kitties that I adore.
My Kia Soul was totalled but I got a nice new replacement with low mileage and a better year!
I ran the Turkey Trot 5k .
I trained for and ran the mini marathon in Indy.
My Uncle Neil passed away.
I decorated the White House for Christmas.
I saw Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlins,Eric Clapton, Nate Bargatzie, Wilco, Jeff Tweedy, Jim Gaffigan, Andrew Bird and Jake Schmabkuro.
I went to a Bull Riding Event: PBR!
I took 5 classes towards a Certificate in Bar Management.
I was a guest teacher at BHSS for half the school year.
I explored Sedona and Grand Canyon.
I Hashed with my Kennel for the Red Dress Hash.
I joined a book club and have read over 8 books.
I visited a few cities that I have never been to through work.
I watched the Hoosiers win a National Championship.
I met a few great people with whom I connect deeply.
I got my record player fixed and have some great records to play.
I have transformed my relationship with my physical body and am no longer afraid of the mirror.
I received the Educator Legacy Award and will be traveling to Peru in September.
I'm still waiting for the next chapter to begin- but maybe I am already writing that chapter. I suppose I need to continue to just be open to all experiences that come my way. I'll keep shining on!
This was on a summer play list from a few years back. The song uses the Arizona town as a metaphor for a place that traded its authentic identity for commercialization. The song pays homage to Sedona’s history as a major Hollywood filming location for Westerns in the mid-20th century before the industry eventually abandoned it.
Educational travel. It is what I live for.
As I write this, I am on a plane, homeward bound, drinking a double shot rum and coke zero. It has been a long day of travel-- 2 hours from the Canyon to Sedona, 2 hours from Sedona to Pheonix, and now the final leg to Indy and then on to BTown.
I feel sluggish not getting my 14,000 plus steps in and eating way too much on this trip. The training has to commence tomorrow! Still, I know that slowing down on running has helped the healing process of my knees and is a blessing in disguise.
Funny how we get into our bubble of routine that keeps us monitored and on track. A person can live perfectly content within the constructs of their daily lives without any detours or alternate routes... I pity them.
This week I was so fortunate to commune with 34 other like minded souls who love learning and exploring. The cool thing was these people were all WAY older than I was. The oldest Scholar was 94 and still hiking the trails.
I was humbled by these geriactric geniuses who challenged me in my ways of thinking; Who imparted wisdom, just as the Hopi of the area did to their kin, who made me slow down when my impulse was to forge ahead.
The trip gave me pause to consider what is next, and many of the women suggested I become a tour guide for Road Scholars, a Flight Attendant or even a Mule Riding Guide down the Canyon.
Being the youngest person (Besides our AMAZING GUIDE, Kyle) I was there to help offer up seats on the tour busses, give hands when climbing steep stairs and just listening to their travel stories, which make my travel miles pale in comparison.
I saw the sun set over Grand Canyon with hundreds of people who cheered when it happened.
I woke at 4 am to hike to the Canyon to watch it rise in 40 degree temps with blankets over us for heat, to see hundreds of people waiting, as if this was the second coming.
I felt the vibrations in the rocks and trails of Sedona, I danced in the darkness in the wee hours with octogenarians as we watched the stars- as bright and brilliant as I have ever seen in my life, naming each one with a person on the tour.
I howled with so many others as we passed through a tunnel on a train in Verde Canyon, I sang songs in harmony with my fellow scholars("Country Roads" and "Happy Trails" to name just two) with a traveling minstral guitarist) on a train up to the Canyon.
It was a blessing being away from the noise and negativity of daily life-- to unplug and spend time in a place that rejuivinates and invites opportunity to connect to the land, the people and myself.
What a magical experience. What amazing people. I am forever changed.
Bono wrote this song in 2001 when his Da died from cancer. Still, I think the words and especially this video with Bono singing along with himself, showing his raw feelings is priceless.
Take a listen, won't you?
Well, I did it. I accomplished the goal.
And now, just days away from the anniversary of my retirement, look what I accomplished.
Life is a river--not a straight line. The paths are crossed for reasons we do not know.
Is it to inspire? To motivate? To consider the possibility of other? To choose yourself? I would love to hear your side of this conversation. Maybe someday.
The race was a testimony to my will and determination. And even though afterwards I could not walk (thank God for upper body strength) and am still struggling now to climb steps and get up from a seated position, I am already signed up for next year's race.
I feel so disconnected. I've been literally running and can't keep up with my own life. Still, I know some are going through transformation and need space and time.
That doesn't mean I'm not rooting from the sidelines-- even when I feel shut out of the process and want to be there for you,
feeling mostly that I am not needed-- in fact, maybe in the way---
Not part of it. Maybe I never was.
I wish for real positive change and look forward to that reminiscent cup of tea...
When you are no longer afraid to trust yourself.
And you let me in.
What do you need from me?
Say what you need to say-- Even if your hands are shaking/ and your faith is broken/
Even if your eyes are closing/ Do it with your heart wide open.
THE SOLDIER was in town to see his college aged daughter and to attend the annual ROTC Awards banquet. We met up for drinks and has a chance to talk about our families and our lives--victories and setbacks alike. It is rare to know someone with such character and confidence. THE SOLDIER shared stories from our past, which made me laugh-- and some that made me feel bad. I realised that I was reckless with peoples' hearts and for that I am sorry. Fortunately for me, THE SOLDIER was forgiving.
His infectious laugh, dimpled grin and sparkle in his eyes has not faded-- ready for mischief even now.
Because connection can't be forced. It doesn't shy away or make excuses. It doesn't second guess or overthink. It doesn't hide. It doesn't disappear.
It is present. It trusts its instincts. It leaves space.
It just is.
I run my first Mini Marathon tomorrow. I've done the work and am trying to mentally prepare. I just wish my knees would cooperate! Here is my playlist if you are looking for something to motivate your workouts!
Mini Marathon
Susan Tedeschi has the most soulful voice. Tedeschi Trucks Band is playing this summer at what we used to call Deer Creek up in Noblesville. Great cover!
My Confession today that I need to share is actually about my obsession with Vintage and Classic cars and trucks.
For most people, they see a beautiful person and their gaze follows, for me-- it's cars.
I love the smell, the sound, the look, the steering wheel, the headlights, the colors....
If I win the lottery, my first purchase will be a vintage car.
I have to skeet but will return to this later. In the meantime, here I am basking in one:
Another Theme Song for Me. Brings back so many memories. Do you know this one? Sounds like me and my lust for challenges and terrifing adrenaline- induced activities!
THE TEACHER , who was a true confession, introduced me to lots of Irish/Scottish/UK bands and put them on mixed tapes for me. He was of Irish descent and proud of it. Lost his Dah when he was a boy and never truly recovered from it. We dated casually and watched Quentin Tarantino movies together. He was a gentle soul. We are still in touch via the Facebook--a good egg!
I am not sure when my lust for attempting things I couldn't or in most cases, SHOULDN'T started. There has always been a bit of a daredevil in my system, but I certainly didn't get that from home. Today's crazy happening *might* get me arrested. Or in a fight. Or both. I will be running through the trails and streets of IU campus with 28 other hashers all of us decked out in crazy red dresses. You will see everything from full blown ball gowns to scantily clad dresses on grown men. We generally meander around ( well, the Hare's lay trail before hand) and run through Little 5 parties. One year we ran around the football stadium as well.Talk about a rush. Nothing like it. I have noticed that this year is particulary active with parties and police presence. Students basically blocked Kirkwood last night and the police were called to disperse the crowds. So today will be interesting!
It has been over 10 years since I have been to a Hash and I can already feel the adrenaline rising.
I also like to check out houses that are for sale without the help of a relator. It is especially easy to gain entry after an open house, where the relator shows people around and forgets to lock the back door. Of course the front has the lockbox, so no dice, but the back-- they often forget about it. I got into this house-- boy oh boy--- if only... https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/870-S-Woodscrest-Dr-Bloomington-IN-47401/94519150_zpid/
I think part of the reason I do these things (and so much more) is that I HAVE to experience everything in life possible before I no longer can. Somewhere inside of me knows that I have a short shelf life and to quote The Flaming Lips, "all we have is now."
It's ok, I am totally fine with it. In fact, I almost got into a fatal car accident last night (my friend was driving and she felt SO bad). I was unphased. I just said, "Becca, it's not quite my time. Still too much to do."
I don't know if I will go so far as to jump out of a plane, but I am always loooking for the next experience that will light me up like a pinball machine. The Mini next week will be a mental and physical challenge that will test every part of myself. It scares me to my core-- but my will is undaunted.
Slow down, you're doin' fine
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight
Too bad, but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself, that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right
You're right
I was recently asked, for the first time that I can recall, what do you need?
What do I need from you? What can you give to me that I currently don't have? Something that I am lacking in my life or with myself that you can offer?
What do I need?
I found that simple sentence to be the most selfless thing a person could say to me. It was like surrender. You would be willing to give me something that I need. Not just something that I want, but something that I am without that would make things better.
It would be selfish to answer that question. I am not a taker; I am by nature a giver, so the very idea of someone else giving me the thing that I need was in itself the thing that I needed.
Would you do that for me? I am not worthy of even sharing with you the thing that I need even if I knew what it was.
I suppose when you go without the thing that you need most you put it aside. I want to know what YOU need from me.
I think that what we both need from each other is Emotional Intimacy. No?
