While I know there are newer, more user friendly platforms out there, I wanted to stay with my old reliable blogger. We have a history. But one feature I do not like about Blogger is it has no spell check. And as I write stream of consciousness style, it doesn't pick up the typos and spelling errors as I go.
I hate spelling errors.
You can't live it down being an English teacher and claiming that spelling is your Superpower and then finding glaring errors in your work--it is unacceptable. So this disclaimer serves as a blanket warning that I am not a sloppy speller. I do check my work--even if it is after the final draft has been published. And I want to thank my critical father for my perfectionist and OCD mindset for that.
Yes, this is the kind of thing that wakes me up pre dawn. More later.
Another super talented artist I love is Andrew Bird. I found him in 2004 with the album Weather Systems 2003 Foutunately for me, he played Bloomington frequently so I saw quite a few shows. Now he plays Indy--and I have tickets to see him play with the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra in April. And who doesn't like an accomplished whistler?
I wasn't going to post this song today, but as I was searching for a mood,
Nouvelle Vague popped up in my feed and it brought me back to 2004. They covered
THIS song by post punk band, Tuxedomon. The French collective (NV) album was a
favorite of mine, covering songs in a bosa nova-lounge style. They covered lots
of my favorite bands from the day-- The Cure, XTC, Joy Division, Depeche Mode
and more. Some of the songs included-- "I'll Melt with You" "Love Will Tear Us
Apart" "Making Plans for Nigel" "I Just Can't Get Enough""A Forest" "This is Not
a Love Song"
In 2004, I just started volunteering at WFHB, and I consumed copious amounts
of music at the time. My afternoon mix required me to play several new
releases per hour. While processing my newly acquired Legally Separated status,
music was a welcomed distraction. But songs like this one bring it all back to
the surface--so raw and full of truth--and pain. That was a painful time, for
sure.
I have the day off today, and I am enjoying the solitude. Time goes by at a
slower and more reflective pace. All the while, the world is running around
thinking that the work they do is so necessary and important. I used to be
such a productive little robot too. People live their lives in a constant
state of distraction. On days like this, I'm so glad I got off that fucking hampster
wheel.
Take a listen to these--side by side. What do you think?
What a powerful display of unity at the Grammy's this year. Well done, Bad Bunny and all of the rest of the artist who spoke out against tyrany and oppression.
Love watching her play. Especially this song. She is all over the guitar. The album is called Legs to Make Us Stronger, a record I wore out back in my DJ days. It is reminiscent of Michael Hedges Ariel Boundaries but more hip. Give it a listen, won't you?
Today has been a struggle to focus. The day has that old familiar Sunday Scary feeling to it. It doesn't help that I have planning to do and I'm not getting paid to do it. So I'll write instead.
Attachment is difficult for me. I don't like to get too attached to things--people, animals, things, because some day they will be gone. I guess that for people of faith--like I used to be-- there is comfort in knowing that you will see them again someday. And if there is a heaven, I know my cats will all be there waiting for me. Losing people is another level of loss that terrifies me. And as I move up the ranks in age and witness my aging, deteriorating family members in decline, I can see in relatively a few short months there will be some losses. How to cope? Detach? It's complicated because I love the shit out those who I let in. I give shamelessly to those select few.
Going through the divorce was the most painful life experience I have had. But from those hard things I learned the biggest lessons. It was necessary for my own personal growth. I look back at all the experiences I had simply because I didn't have to ask permission.
It taught me about self-reliance, accountability, and trusting myself. Living on my own really taught me how to detach. For 16 years I raised a super cool human, bought and sold my own house and condo, learned how to fix shit, had to trust my gut with big decisions, took chances and did some really cool and interesting stuff. Glad it played out the way it did.
I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. And so far-- I don't.
Lots of sadness in my orbit tonight. I had to step away from the double overtime IU game-- but IU DEFENSE was looking the best I have seen them since at Assembly Hall just weeks ago.
Melissa is a tough chick and I can't see cancer beating her--but the prognosis doesn't look good. She was at my crazy Bachelorette Party way back in the day when I had to exchange underwear with a dude. His were a pair of forest green Polo Boxers. Mine were probably something he put on his rear view mirror for posterity.
Ok I guess IU won.
Still, my sister is sad (and she is a force) and I am well aware of our short and fleeting time on this earth. I worry about sister number 3, as she does not take care of herself and almost died from covid--her lungs were basically soup. I am not prepraed for the loss of what was my closest ally and friend growing up in a turbulant household.
I love this song. If I had a mixed tape makeout playlist, it would definitely be on it.
More on Mixed Tape Playlists to come. What songs would YOU put on the list? POFN
Lots of music moving through the gray matter today. I was in a local record store a few weeks ago and found 2 Chicago albums that mom had in her collection. I was tempted to buy them--and should have-- but passed. I woke up in the dead of night and this specific cover was all I could see:
I decided to give it another listen today. Glad I did. As a 14 year old girl, I knew this was special. Now, as a 56 year old, I can really appreciate the musicianship. EX: Fender Rhodes Keyboard – THE instrument that sounds like the 70s! Man, Peter Cetera on Bass is phenomenial. The charts on these songs--the horns are so tight! The harmonica and pedal steel guitar in "Terms of Two"? Get Out.
Because of you
Because of me
The times are right
I disagree
Before you leave
I want you to see
Woah, what you've done to me
I may have to go back to LandLocked and get it--a must for my growing collection.
But waking me up in the middle of the night with a song in my head and not able to sleep until I connect with the artist is borderline insanity.
It was Clifford Brown w Strings and the song was
Laura
that had me up at 3 A.M.
God, what a silky album. Who knew a guy with just a trumpet could be so good.
Not that I want to make this into a review of the record, but the whole thing plays like a dream. Still,Laura was The One. Take a listen, won't you?
After further digging, Frank Sinatra sang it but I only know the instrumental version.
Laura is the face in the misty light/
Footsteps that you hear down the hall/
The laugh that floats on a summer night/
That you can never quite recall/
And you see Laura on a train that is passing through/
Those eyes how familiar they seem/
She gave your very first kiss to you/
That was Laura, but she's only a dream/
She gave your very first kiss to you/
That was Laura, but she's only a dream
This song is about someone searching for answers; answers to questions that we cannot possibly conjure up an answer for. The questions are from someone going through a hard time and questioning the meaning of it all. So says the interwebs.
A panacea for all of us today personally and all Americans as well. I never made the connection with 9/11 but got it now.
I did manage to grab tickets to Wilco in April--Fort Wayne-- of all places. It's a divey little standing room only theatre called The Clyde Theatre on Bluffton Road. What is now the seedier side of "The Fort" as my dad used to call it. Mom and dad grew up in Fort Wayne. I would have killed myself living up there.
From the outside, the theatre resembles The Vogue but not as cool on the inside. I mention this only because Clyde is 3-4 miles from my deceased grandmas' houses as well as my Great Aunt Polly (and who doesn't have an aunt named Polly?). I haven't been back there in decades.Ok Jeff. Let's see what the draw is, Buddy!
I have to work today, so this is a short one. And Hey, if you are seeing this,
Don't cry
You can rely on me, honey
You can come by any time you want
I ran into a few of my old colleagues today at the Y. Dan and Joel are two guys (Lilly calls them "two awesome dudes") that always ask about my girl and with real interest. Both said, "Be sure to tell her I said hello." It makes a mom proud when you know people see your kid as one of the good ones. In all of the things I have done in life, I can at least take pride in not fucking up my kid.
Yesterday's marathon shovelling offered time to go inward. The repetitive motion of hefting the shovel and tossing the heavily packed snow to the side while shuffling my boots along the drive was meditative. Still, thinking (or overthinking) ended up putting me in a funk, and in turn, has had me in low vibration mode ever since.
As a person who is hardly ever idle, these days are difficult. And not just the fact of being snowed in- I feel like my life is the spinning wheel on the computer screen waiting for the page to reload. Is this time a necessary respite for me to find my new identity? Am I paying enough attention to the people and opportunities that have stumbled onto my path? Am I utilizing all of my resources or is it all just random? I don't even know what I want to do. It will show itself when the timing is right. Ha. Me and timing. That's a laugh.
I did manage to write my paper yesterday. I chose Mosel if anyone cares. Learned a bunch of useless facts about Romans and steep slopes and slate. But in case you are wondering, they make the best Rieslings in the world.
I matched the man behind the bar for the jukebox/ And the music takes me back
to Tennessee/ And they asked who's the fool in the corner crying/ I say a little
ole wine drinker me/
While I like Dean's version, I think Merle really captures the essense of that
song. I need to seek out that record!
I've been spending lots of time (months,
actually) learning about wine, viticulture, terrior, regions, sensory evaluation of wine
and beer. I have tried over 100 different wines and beers from all
over the world. It's a tad overwhelming what it takes to be a Somm. It is an end
goal. It's like having a PHD in wine. The Intro to Wine class was a breeze
compared to Sensory Analysis. It is intense.
I have to choose a wine region to
research. I have narrowed it down to 2 regions not too far from each other---
Alsace (Northeast France) and Mosel (SouthWest Germany).
I dream of visiting
these places and taking it all in. In my younger years I focused primarily on
dry reds. People who drank sweet wines were uncouth and didn't have a refind
pallate. Man, I had a lot to learn. I used to think Kendall Jackson Chardonnay
was "the good stuff" when now I know that buttery malolactic fermentated oak fwd
stuff is trash.
Studying the whites has been pivotal in my wine journey. I never
knew that each region, the soil, the climate, the viticulture can change what
you see, smell and taste. In Intro to Beer, I learned that the water from the
region changes the end product too.
I am also dreaming of visiting Tuscany
again, but this time at a slower pace and more focus on the wine regions. I fell
in love with Florence and vowed to return. Venice and Verona were also stunning.
And now, with my ever-growing knowledge of wine, the trip will be more
fulfilling. I'll make it back there someday.
Well, so much for my resolve of blogging more often. It's been three months since
my last confession. I suppose being trapped inside after a 14" dump of snow and
now wind chills in the negatives is a good enough reason to pick it up again.
But seriously, there is so much shit going on in the states right now that I am
not lacking material. It's just too much.
I'm in a strange place. An unfamiliar
place. Looking back on these posts from 2007-2010 and the paralyzing loneliness
I was feeling, one would say I am in a better place. But this feeling of
uncertainty, lack of purpose, lack of cash flow to do the things I want to do
and with whom I want to do those things weighs on me. Am I in the right place?
Am I following (一期一会)? Am I staying present in the now--not looking forward
or back...
Remember to remember me Standing still in your past Floating fast like a
hummingbird.
Ha- I just looked back a few old posts from October-- Not much has changed!
Physically transformed. Mentally, not so much. FOMO is real when you retire.
What do I need to prove? Why do I feel stuck? Who is safe to talk to and who
will understand? Why do I need validation? From the outside I have everything I
need.
"Nothing that I want, but Everything I need," quoting Lord Huron. My
desire for travel to new places, to take a sledge hammer to my kitchen, to heal
my decimated mangy cat and prevent my mother from offing herself are in the
forefront of my mind.
But fostering friendships--my karmic debt-- has always
been my Achillies heel. So much betrail and abandonment. Who can you trust? I
guess this will have to do for now.
I just received the news that a brilliant friend dealing with a prolonged illness passed away yesterday. I feel the tears wanting to fall but need to keep it together for work. He was the kind of person whom you may only meet once but he left an indelible impression on you. And his illness that paralized him for years on end, held him in a perpetual state of stuck. He is free now. I'll miss you, Mark.
I'm in a better headspace than I've been the past few days. It's crazy how low frequency vibes can be instantly hightened with just a few encouraging words from the right person. The seasons are changing and the moody skies are looming. Bring on the fall colors!
