"Trouble Me" 10,000 Maniacs

The sun finally poked its head out just to tease us today. I've been holed up in my "little soma room" (Richard Buckner) for a few hours catching up on work and school. I have started taking the Sommelier practice exams and I find that only about 40% is sticking.

If you asked me at this time last year what I would be doing 1 year from then, I would have such a different answer from what is actually in play.

I recognize that taking a full-time gig at university would have been a huge mistake, leaving me little time to shed my skin. I've had time to be fully present for people who needed me, and have met a few who see me, and I see them.

I am grateful for the opportunity to help out colleagues in their time of need, have had a chance to reconnect with my music, reinvent myself physically and express myself outwardly.

I hope you are finding time to do those things as well. In the chaos of life, I see now that there is never a good time to do the thing(s) you want/deserve to do. There will always be something--some obligation, some excuse, some undeserving/unworthy/unselfish reason for not doing it/them. Retirement has taught me to go for it--I hope someday you will too.

Trouble me?

"Thinkin About You" Flea

I mentioned my affinity for bassists and trumpeters-- FLEA KILLS BOTH!

I found this one by accident, a 2026 release-- Flea's solo debut, Honara. So glad a hero of mine is still making great music at 63. Take a listen, it's a good Sunday vibe.

The drive home gave me time to reflect. A few times I laughed outloud replaying the interesting visit I had with mom and Lilly. Between DJT Damnit dolls, Epoch Times articles and her strange Valentine gifts she gave us, I don't know if the insanity would be worth writing down or if I should just save it for a future comedy routine.

I think she must have panicked when I told her I was coming to visit, and so she wrapped up anything that was there. My gift was an opened box of Tagalong Girl Scout cookies, a jar of honey (who knows how old it was) and an old candle in the shape of a pie. Most likely a regift from her 87 year old "friend" who shops at Goodwill and brings my clutterbug mother MORE dust collecting tchotchkes.

We were also given several "interesting" articles from her right wing rag, The Epoch Times.

I get profund pleasure from lining my Guiena Pig's cage with them. It's either that or lighting them on fire.

I found out that there is a Mini Series of races leading up to the Indy Mini in May. Unfortunately I missed yesterday's 3 miler-- but I ran 3 at the gym, so I count that as even. I signed up for the next 2--a 6-miler March 11 and a 10-miler April 11. I have some serious training to do. I asked Lilly if she wanted to do them with me, but she is so laser focused on the MCAT study, she doesn't even feel ready for the Indy Mini. I can tell that she is tired of the grind and is in a rut right now. As a mom, it's hard to see your kid in that place, but she knows it is only temporary. Her exam is April 10 and then she can get back to doing the things that she enjoys. I am proud of her determination and resolve. I can only hope she got some of that from me.

Just wanted you to know I'm Thinkin About You. Hope you can feel it.

"Screen Kiss" Thomas Dolby

A shout out to all the early risers, who , if you were lucky, got to see a glorious sunrise this morning. I was basking in its pink, orange and red hues, standing awestruck in my front yard as if I had never seen one before. The sun kissed the sky-- and just in time for Valentine's Day.

Ah, V.D.-- the one obligatory day every year when we feel required to buy a card/flowers/candy/balloons (who buys a balloon for their S.O. anyway?)/jewlery/dinner in exchange for affirmations of love and sex. So much pressure!

And to the Lonely Heart's Club schmucks and incels who have to endure going to the grocery store and are bombarded with this Valentine's Day vomit when all they came in for was a loaf of white bread and package of bologna?

It's not your fault you don't have a girlfriend. It's the womens' fault.

I'm driving up to see my mom and my girl today. God, has it been over a month since I have seen them? Time truly flies.

I'll take in the details-- any nuances of decline. I also succumbed to consumerism and bought mom a huge boquet of flowers. And why not?

A Rose for my Rosie.

Thinking of all my loves today. I hope it's a special one for you.

I no longer fear the "Mirror" JT

Light the candle, sage the space, find the feeling, match the song.

I no longer fear the mirror.

I face it, full front, shrouded in nakedness, unashamed, unapologetic. I'm not looking for flaws (ok, well, I still am), not counting the moles or freckles or extra weight that still lingers. I don't smile, but I do celebrate.

Put in the time. Do the hard work. Do it for you. Don't apologize. Make the time. Stop calling it selfish. Stop making excuses. Go through the motions until muscle memory takes over. Practice the skill. Keep going. You got this.

Actors know these mantras better than anyone. We know there is always something to improve the craft. You're never done. I don't miss directing, but I do miss the creative flow that comes with working on a show. I have an unrelenting work ethic. So back to the gym I go.

I have to pick up Percy's ashes today. I think I will scatter them in springtime, when the daffodils are in bloom. Deep sigh.

"Green Arrow" Yo La Tengo

I'm revisiting I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One this morning. It's one of those that I put away because it brought back too much from the past. From start to finish, it evokes such melancholic sorrow.

I'm sitting in my grief. I don't want to share it with anyone.

I am pushing it into my workouts, taking it out on the treadmill, on the weights, and in my writing, but am unable to study and have little desire to even do simplistic tasks. I still can't seem to get her litter box out of the kitchen.

This guitar surronds me and soothes. Thankful for a short respite of time in my unsatisfying day to escape even if it's just for an hour. I learned a new concept yesterday from class, "Zeigarnik Effect." And while explaining it to my seniors, I almost lost it.

"Mercy Street" Peter Gabriel

'Rush Hour" Ani DiFranco

Love isn't over when the sheets are stained/ In my head there remains/ So much left to be said/ Make me laugh, make me cry, enrage me/ But just don't try to disengage me/

"When the World Is Running Down..." Police

As a teen I spent a lot of my time listening to The Police. I admired bass players and songs with a prominent bass line. Sting, Paul, Van Morrison's David Hayes, Jaco...

The Police got a lot of play time, especially when the walkman came out. In order to escape the chain smoking monster, I took to the streets of Carmel with my portable pal. Zenyatta Mondatta was my favorite. Between Sting's bass lines and Stewart's amazing drumming, I was able to release the sadness and angst that I felt most of the time.

"Driven to Tears" and "When the World is Running Down..." are the best.

I recently learned that Stewart Copeland played on Peter Gabriel's "Red Rain" and "Big Time." Those are two of the best songs on the record. Go figure.

(beat) Just watched a video about the superempath and the avoidant. It gave me some clarity and closure for how I am feeling. It's super fun to walk around trying to be positive when inside you are empty and confused and embarassed and can't explain anything to anyone because, well, just because. Hopefully the wounds will become wisdom as I move fwd more emotionally regulated. 28 days, right? Three down, 25 to go...

"The Ghost in You" Psychedelic Furs

Somehow I managed to catch a cold. I am sure that it's from all the kids that spread their germs everywhere and never wash their hands. I have zero tolerance for teenage boy antics and called a few on their shitty behavior today. I am not a fun person to be around when I'm under the weather. Still, yesterday was a typical moody Sunday with the stress of life maintenance, prep for work and my class.

It's hard to be in this space. Something shifted. And it hurts.

The irony in less screen time means less me time.

"Give it Time" Goose

Give it time/ Go ahead and give it hell/ Give it all you’ve got/ Or give it up for something else/ It’s a revelation/ It’s a hallelujah/ It’s the nature of the spirit running through ya/ So take it easy/ Just begin again/ Take a step back from the racе that you’ve been running in/ It’s the next song coming on thе radio/ Just when you need it/Turn it up and Lte it go./

The first time I heard this song I was driving to work-- it was a dark, cold February morning last year.

I was struggling with a student who had definite potential to succeed, but was checked out. A high school senior with no plan in front of him, and so far behind it would take a miracle ( or an understanding teacher) to get him across the finish line.

I found out that he was the oldest of 3, and a few years back his father was yelling at the kids for whatever odd reason--probably to clean up their messy rooms. Apparently his youngest brother, who was in middle school at the time, went to his room, closed the door, and killed himself.

James was the one to discover the body.

The whole family was wrecked by the tragedy. That certainly changes things when you know something so painful about a person. Makes you want to fight harder for them.

James didn't attend graduation, so there was no proper goodbye, good luck from me, so I never knew of his wherabouts or future plans, if he made any. I hate not having closure.

Over Christmas while dining at Michael's Uptown, I saw him with his dad. There was a sadness about the two men quietly eating in silence, but when I greeted James, he was excited to see me. He spoke of his new life-- ranching out west somewhere. His dad beamed proudly. We hugged and I left, happy for that closure.

Give it Hell, James. Give it Hell.

She broke the silence of morning and "MLK" u2

There was a shift in something this morning.

Maybe it was the obvious void of sound from a demanding cat, but no-- something else.

The birdsong has changed.

I hear the promise of spring in their song. And the sun is rising, bringing the most stunning light show. There is hope.

I seem to be outraged every time I turn on the news now. But this took the cake. Posting that video and the first week of Black History Month? My hatred for that man runs deep.So, here is a song to commemorate the memory of a great man.

Here's to a better day.

"Waiting for Superman" The Flaming Lips

I asked you a question I didn't need you to reply Is it gettin' heavy? But then I realized Is it gettin' heavy? Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Is it overwhelming To use a crane to crush a fly? It's a good time for Superman To lift the sun into the sky 'Cause it's gettin' heavy Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody Waitin' for Superman That they should try to hold on best they can He hasn't dropped them Forgotten or anything It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

Is it gettin' heavy? Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be Tell everybody Waitin' for Superman That they should try to hold on best they can He hasn't dropped them Forgotten or anything It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

"Glass Eyes" Radiohead

I will miss you, my dear Percy.