"Pictures of you" The Cure

THIS SONG came on the radio while I was headed to the Y this morning.

And it was a year ago I was getting ready for my first trip to Madison, WI. I know this because the Facebook likes to remind me of things that happened a year ago, 10 years ago, 5 years.... and a few memories from that trip popped up today. I'm sure there will be more in the upcoming days. Good Times, Good Times.

It is pouring down rain in lovely B-Town. All of those Taste of Bloomington folks are getting soaked. I'm so glad they canceled the filming for today. Imagine watching 200 extras from a movie set running from Armstrong Stadium to the white tent for refuge.

Working on a movie set (at least as an extra) is definitely NOT glamorous. You get to the set at 6:30 AM, check your costume, get approval from hair and makeup and then you sit and wait for three hours before doing anything. Once on set, you sit in direct sunlight at 85 degrees for 10 hours and reshoot scenes over and over until the cut is right. Also, did you know that for this film, we are pantomiming all of the cheering. It actually looks pretty realistic. Then, 12-13 hours later, you can go home.

Good news is that I started as an adult extra and made my way to Club President in 2 day's time! It's funny, when the AD calls for people to get on set, she would say, Race Officials, Time Keepers, Journalists and CATHARINE to places. Well, we all got a kick out of it. I just hope that I get some screen time. I was reflecting back on the other day and something kindof cool happened. We were sitting in the stands waiting and there were lots of young kids around me. The boys behind me were hilarious and were goofing off. There was a former student of mine back and to my right but she had not said hello to me, so I figured she forgot who I was.

So, the boys started talking about school and baseball and I asked them if they went to South. You would have thought that I insulted their mothers by the reaction I got on all sides.

Everyone sitting around me were Bloomington North students. Baseball players to boot, so I just added salt to the wounds. I told them I taught at South, so they asked what my name was. When I told them two of the boys said, " Oh, I heard about you." Not sure what that meant and figured kids were trash talking me.

"Nope, there were several things out on social media-- petitions-- to get you to come back to teaching." My former student chimed in-- She was great!

I was stunned. Here I am, sitting with 8 kids who I've never seen before and 1 who I taught in 2 classes and that is what others were saying about me on social media. Man, what do you say to that?

Tomorrow's call is from 8 AM to 9 PM. That is a fucking long call. Then, we film at Nick's for a few days. Cheers to Beers! At least we get a little bit of money out of the deal..

Anyway, you are reading the words of a certified Beverage Management recipient. I'd mix you a drink anytime.

"Two Hearts" The Jayhawks

One might say that I am cruel to my books-- the way I read them, that is. My purist daughter must use a book mark-- NEVER would she dog ear the pages. I know there are others out there like this, and I am sorry for my evil book reading ways.

When I stop reading, I fold the page in half so I keep my place. I often read with a pencil so that I can annotate or underline-- even fiction. Lately I started to dog ear pages where I find a passage that I want to read again. And when I'm reading in the pool, the pages get warped from the water that often drips off my elbows and seeps into the books.

I guess you could say these books are well-loved? I dunno.I think my kid would say I am careless and do not respect my books.

I am finally finishing a book by a favorite playwright, Sarah Ruhl, where she writes about writer's block and it not being a thing. She calls WB an invention; a self-inflicted wound. A chimera.

Instead she calls it "the studious avoidance of writing."

She breaks this down into 12 different categories of avoidance-- and I wanted to touch on number 6 (my lucky number!):

"if I write what I like to write, a person I love will be angry with me, or their feelings will be hurt." Confessional memoirs, revenge plays, etc. She suggests a shift in intention-- to love rather than derision, which requires forgiveness, and forgiveness often requires writing.

Solid advice. Thanks for that. Hope you are well, friend.

Peace.

"Your Diary" Franz Ferdinand

It's so crazy that you can live in a relatively small city and never run into someone.

I suppose we are all creatures of habit and rarely go "out of bounds" or possibly people have reclusive tendancies. Or maybe it is intentional. Staying in your lane...

I was thinking about people in our lives who have hurt us. Parents mostly. There was a scene from The Breakfast Club (and you are judging me right now because I am quoting an 80's Brat Pack movie-- with your smug NPR name droping pious Ionlywatchindependentfilms and mainstream movies are trash elevated snob!) sorry about that.

So, I doubt you are familiar with the scene-- but Claire confesses she will never be like her parents and Allison says, "You can't help it. It's unavoidable." and she also says, " When you get old, your heart dies."

I've been sitting with that for a few weeks now. I think of the qualities that I despised in my parents and occasionally find myself mirroring some of them. I've seen it in other people too. I imagine those parents and feel sorry for their offspring. And what about young girls who hate men? What kind of reflection is that on their fathers?

Well, that was some vitrol. It comes from my dad.

"Good Vibrations" Beach Boys

What is it with men and tan lines? I swear, so many confessions (and a few I can't put on here) were crazy about tan lines. I wonder if it comes from the early Coppertone SUN-TAN iconic girl with her bikini bottoms pulled down that left an indelible mark in the boys' of my youth.

Show me your tan lines and I'll show you mine!

ON a more serious note, today is the anniversary of my dad's death. Has it really been 8 years?

I'm not sure I ever had a serious or deep important conversation with him. In fact, I don't think I ever talked to my parents about anything of deep concern or importance. In fact, I don't think I do with anyone, actually. Pretty sure this blog knows more about me than my own mother. The last time I wrote stuff down in a dairy I was in college. Somehow she found the diary in my closet with some old books and decades later decided to read it. She then mailed it to me with a note that read something to this effect, "I'm so sorry that you were so sad in college. I never knew how hard things were for you back then."

Not sure what was worse--the fact that she read it or the fact that years later she admitted to not knowing a single thing about me other than surface stuff. That goes for most of the people in my life, TBH.

I had a change in my routine today and it has thrown my whole mood off. Nothing like driving to Gosport to have a salad that might give me cyclosporiasis.

Well, cheers to the weekend. Lyle Lovett tonight!

"Skinny Love" Bon Iver

I am currently wearing a sweatshirt that depicts an obese tortoiseshell cat lying on its back and it says ROLLING FATTIES.

I picked it up while in Madison, WI at an 80's vintage shop for $17. They had them in all colors, and if I were smart, I would have bought a few more. My Tortie, Cosmo, looks just like the fatty cat on the shirt, so it makes it even funnier when I wear it around the house-- cause she is quite the fatty roller!

I finally took my road bike in to get it primed for riding. I have been training on my LIV ALIGHT because the frame is much heavier and the tires can get me through the rocky terrain of Clear Creek Trail. So I'll be out on the road soon!

I used to dream that I was trying to run and in my dreams, my body just couldn't move (well, months ago it was fact). Now, while on my bike, I get that feeling that I was looking for in the dream-- gliding, moving without effort. Fingers crossed it's ready for me to pick up today.

Yesterday I managed to get in a 2 mile run with no complaint from the knees. Today is the 12 mile ride and 1 mile swim.

My week is packed, so today I have a paper to write and then serious training-- followed by clean eating-- serious protien and fresh stuff from the Farmer's Market followed by a few crafted cocktails. The favorite as of late is the Jungle Bird--I like to serve it in a Tiki glass.

Oh, and remember kids, "you are what you eat!"

Peace!

"Telephone Line" ELO

One of my favorite things to do is wake up early, get my coffee and do some writing. For weeks I have chosen sleep over early mornings, but today the cats weren't having it. So here I am.

Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time I'm living in twilight Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time I'm living in twilight

It's been a productive few weeks of crossing projects off my list. I finally got the deck stained a perfect teak color, my bar is stocked with good spirits and mixers and I have been hitting antique shops looking for cut glass tumblers and unique and funky tiki glasses. I am working on a concept for the spare bedroom and got some paint, but it just isn't flowing for me. The last big project involves hiring a former student to repour the front porch and walkway to the tune of 8 grand. I hope he comes through for me on this.

I booked a Playa Mujeres bound vaca for my birthday-early Christmas and am bringing my girl and her beau along. I love going somewhere tropical when it is cold and snowy at home. Being in the ocean with the sand between my toes in a tropical paradise is my idea of heaven. And my girl deserves it. Once again, I am reminded that we have a finite number of days here and we must take advantage of those people and relationships that matter most.

Hey, how ya feelin'? Are you still the same? Don't you realise the things we did, we did Were all for real? Not a dream I just can't believe they've all faded out of view

My big sis suggested that we go Glamping in a bus in northeastern Indiana. Campfires and Canoes sounds good to me!

I am also gearing up for a couple great shows next week-- Lyle Lovett and Gillian Welch w Dave Rawlings next weekend!

Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time I'm living in twilight Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time I'm living in twilight

Class is moving right along. I am getting the hang of mixing and learning about the art of cocktails. It's a time suck to drive up and back every Tuesday, but an adventure all its own. I am fortunate to have the means and time to commit to it. With my g.p.a. I joined Phi Theta Kappa because why not? It's another thing to put on the resume.

Lots of pool time and my tan has never been better. My core is strong and the knees are finally back to normal enough that I can get some running in.

It's been a pretty good summer. Feelin' Good.

CHEERS!

"Night Swimming" REM

There is nothing quite like a night swim...even better naked.

I got my first one in (finally) last night. When it is freakishly hot outside, the only place for me is the pool.

I feel completely at ease in the water and without restrictive clothing its an amazing feeling.

Here's to more nights of night swimming.

"Burn the Other End" Billy Strings

Good song, great lyrics-- a message for us all. Onward, forced through what is next/ And only for the benefit of somebody else/ Stubborn, I refuse to ask for help/ The only expense is just the debt to myself/

This will break/ I just can't/ So I will burn the other end/

Guilty, resenting what I've done/ Traded everything I love for what I have become/ It's wasted, no wonder I'm afraid/ Always struggling to justify the sacrifice I've made/

Well, shit has been busy. And it is stupid hot outside. I have to drive to Muncie in a few hours and I have not been doing my readings. You could say I have a case of the "fuck-its."

Going to Lutheran funerals are pretty churchy. But what is the saying? You can take the girl out of church, but you can't take the church out of the girl? Church is like a soft, comfy t-shirt that when you put it on, you feel content. I was glad to be there, singing the songs, saying the mantras and creeds I knew by heart.

My uncle was a better man than I remembered. And I think that as we get closer to the sand leaving the top of the hourglass, something changes. Our days are numbered and its really only our will that stands between what we have here and what comes next.

Godspeed.

I feel like I am 45 again.

The long bike rides have been a meditative journey and I can fly-- feeling like the young teenager riding my bike on hot summer nights out with friends through cornfields and creekbeds.

I am free in those moments to think and to connect with the road. The swimming has also been a gift, and my knees are finally allowing for longer workouts in the pool. I was able to do a short run today, but didn't want to push it. Still, I feel better than I have in over 10 years. It's been worth every lap, every mile, every rep, every hour in the gym.

I'm starting a new blog. Maybe going in a different direction-- not sure. There's just so much on here from the past that doesn't serve anymore.

I looked back at my photos and found the scale from October 31, 2024. I was 154.7 pounds. And that was a good day.

Today I am 121.2

"Daydreaming" Radiohead

I have noticed that as of late, every time I travel, something bad happens at home.

When in Israel-- Guiena Pig #1 died, When in Sedona-- My Uncle died, When in San Antonio, S.O. went to the E.R., and now in Madison-- Guiena Pig #2 died. Not sure if this is a bad omen or just dumb luck.

When I'm on the road, I usually dream. I rarely dream when at home. In San An, the dreams were bad-- horrific, actually. The wakeyouupsweatingcantgobacktosleep kind of dreams.

This trip the dreams have been filled with effervescent bubbles so bright in color and hue--

I am talking to someone in my mind. There is no sound. No visual. Like underwater.

Only the words, like on a screen or a piece of paper typed out.

The words talking to me share secrets. They seem real, as if there is an actual person attached to them.

The words I hear in my head make me feel something. I try to construct the vision of the person-- what they may sound like, what they look like, but it doesn't materialize.

I question if this is Limerence? That makes me seem crazy.

I decide that it must be SIRI or some AI Bot that can say all of the things that you would think an actual person would say, but it is only an illusion-- and remind myself you are dreaming This is a lucid dream.

After a time, the words stop coming to my memory. The effervescence of the bubbles diminish. It grows darker. I can't hear or see them. I wonder if this is what madness or dementia must feel like-- losing the person slowly, bit by bit, piece by piece, until there is nothing left of them. It feels like drowning would be--but worse.

At the end of the dream, there is nothing but a large bubble that moves close to my face. I reach out with my index finger and pop the bubble, its wettness hitting my eyes and face.

Then I wake up.

"Mercy Street" Peter Gabriel

Nowhere in the corridors Of pale green and gray Nowhere in the suburbs In the cold light of day There in the midst of it So alive and alone Words support like bone Dreaming of Mercy Street

Wear you're inside out Dreaming of mercy In your daddy's arms again Dreaming of Mercy Street I swear they moved that sign Dreaming of mercy In your daddy's arms

I know I have posted this song before, but I felt it so strongly today while walking the rainy streets of Madison. I guess I should have selected "Red Rain" but "Mercy Street" captures my mood today. SO was such an impactful album my freshman year in college. It still hits me on a level that few records do now.

Looking for Mercy.

We worked quickly today and were out by 12:30--giving grace to explore the city a bit further, my mind recording everything for next time. Hoping to see you, a stranger, around the next corner.

Time is so odd on these trips. I close the blinds at 7pm and it could be midnight. Then I wake at 4am and do the job.

Maybe one of these jobs will land me an opportunity to advance to something more than breaking down boxes and stacking pointless evals. I guess the presenter's kids (who are still in college) know more about efficient management than a 33 year teacher-- but whatever.

I think about how your future and your life really depends on the leverage of your parents. If they didn't make it, or struggled, you are at a disadvantage. Even if they were climbing the corporate ladder or were doing all of the things, you don't have that Golden Ticket. The Pedigree.

My parents were first generation college (their parents had community college or less)-- and I guess it showed. We had to work hard for everything.

My girl will be better than I was, and hers will be even more at an advantage-- but she (just like I) learned, it takes hard work. Once people no longer know what it's like to work for success, they fall into a different category--one I will never understand.

Should I tell you about the 6th grade overnight birthday party to Laura Spitsberg's where I brought a Jigsaw puzzle for a gift (because that was what I would have liked as a gift) and she got designer make-up, perfume and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans from other girls... Humiliating. Mom didn't know better. I wore Garanimals clothing and played with strawberry shortcake dolls and plastic dinosaurs. I wasn't into makeup or boys or designer clothes. I was a child. Not a cotillion bred darling or Jewish princess. She lived in the coveted Eden Glen neighborhood-- what was the richest part of Carmel at the time before Crooked Stick was developed. She invited every girl from our class to the party. And you remember what I thought of that 6th grade homeroom..

Well, I was never added to that friend group. I was laughed at for the rest of my time in Carmel, driving a 1974 Ford hatchback Pinto with balled tires and no radio. Think Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink but a lot less glam.

Ugh...sorry Rabbit Hole.

Laura, I sure hope you are happy with your well-to-do life wherever you are now. I guess you didn't have to "marry up."

"Solar Power" lorde

This could be my theme song. I'm such a summer girl. I'm kinda like a prettier Jesus Blink three times when you feel it kickin in

I wanted to get a little writing in before I have to set up and, well, it's my favorite day of the year: summer solstice! I found this about my Sun Sign today. It is exactly what I have been saying to myself for the past several weeks!

Starting today I will Honor my Journey, Set a Powerful Intention, Release, Realign and Rise.

It's all about Expansion--which is what Sagittarius is all about. An adventure calls from a direction you had completely stopped watching. A journey begins that leads somewhere the soul has been searching for. Say yes to everything that excites you right now.

Thank you Universe! How did you know I needed to hear this today?

Turn on a new kind of bright, IT'S SOLAR. That's me, baby.

"All We Have is Now" Flaming Lips

If you ever get a chance to see The Flaming Lips, you won't regret it. I just saw them on the 20 (?) anniversary tour of Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots a few summers ago. I was lucky to see them 20 years ago for the first tour as well. I was pregnant with my girl, so I guess she got to hear them in the womb!

I saw this link on the facebook and I know I have talked about this before-- that all we have is now, It sounds like an AI Anthony Hopkins but who cares. What are you waiting for? Do it.

Heading up to Madison tomorrow for work and will venture out on my own to see some new sights. I'm going to check out the Robert Lamp FLW house and would really love to tour the Herbert and Katherine Jacobs House, but I don't know if there will be time.

Mixology was super fun Tuesday night-- Chef really pulled out all the stops for us. We mixed all the classic cocktails, as well as toasting with a 2009 Amorone Classico and rounded out the night with some cheap Sparkling Wine (when you open Champagne, it should be silent--no pop ).

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Hope your kids hand you a beer and leave you to your own devices.

"Unknown Legend" Neil Young

When I was a girl, probably around 5 or 6, I was made aware of my size. When I sat in the back seat of my parent's car, I always sat in the middle between my sisters. They were both what mom called "small," "slim," or even "petite" while I was called "regular." I would look at our legs sitting back there and my thighs were bigger than theirs. "Regular" was not something I wanted to be. When I heard the word I automatically heard "Fat." My older sister was always slim and didn't have to work at it. She was 4 years older and I would often wear her cool corduroy pants-- she always had the cool artsy clothes.

While I was more of an athlete than my 2 sisters, they seemingly always stayed slim. I envied them and when we sat in the back seat, I would lift up my legs so my thighs looked smaller, constantly comparing them to my sisters' relaxed legs.

As I grew up I remember mom saying I should never wear white because it makes you look big.

I didn't even wear white to my own wedding.

I took it upon myself to lose all the weight and then some. In high school and college, I deprived myself of food, counted every calorie, including chewing gum, ate in secret and would take scalding hot showers just to pee out anything I drank. It's a wonder I made it through my freshman year of college, where I was down to 92 pounds.

I would have bouts with aneorixia over the decades, but when menopause hit, I ballooned up to a weight that was more than I was at full term pregnancy.

I look at pictures of myself even one year ago and don't recognize the woman in the photograph.

I am glad I finally figured out how to lose it-- because, well, I don't want anyone calling me 'Regular' ever again.