Well, after 20 hours of travel, I made it to Lima. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep and can really feel it this morning.
As the cab drove to my hotel, he had the windows down, allowing a cool mist to permeate the air. The Pacific Ocean waves were crashing on the shore, their white foam visible even in the dark night.
I was surprised at the number of people out so late on a Wednesday at 11:00PM. And the chaos of driving?! just like in Cairo, it's a free for all. Everyone is honking, there are near misses and side swipes as the drivers muscle their way through traffic with basically no lanes.
Now that it is light, looking out my hotel window, there is a similar sketchy quality to the city. Not quite as bad as in Egypt, but definitely not a place i'll be walking by myself.
Soon I will head down and meet the group. At breakfast I saw two women who are on tour. This part is hard for me- getting to know you, small talk stuff. I'm going to try my best to connect.
Today we ride to Chorrillis then the ruins of Huaca Pucllana and then downtown Lima.
It is currently 44 degrees in Cusco, 65 degrees in Lima and 61 degrees here at home. I have forgotten what chilly weather feels like after the week plus heat wave we endured here in Indiana.
So much for sweater weather.
Soon.
I am down to a few hours before the trip and the nerves are starting to kick in. It's one thing to travel to a different city in the states-- a completely different thing to explore a different country and culture. I wonder if the Spanish will come back to me. Hope so, because when I get back to the states I am teaching ESL for a week!
I haven't been sleeping as the worry about travel woes creep into my thoughts. It is never about danger but more about missing a flight, not having all the details ironed out or forgetting something important. Sometimes I even ask myself why did I want to do this in the first place. "You're way too adventurous," says a colleague of mine. I suppose once the wanderlust fades for me that will be the beginning of the end.
There was a movie that came out in the early 90's (Alive) and was recently remade (Society of the Snow) about a Uruguayan rugby team that crashed their plane in the Andes Mountains. I found the 1993 version of the crash (even if technology wasn't as good as today) terrifying and had a hard time flying for a few years after. Now, here I am, going to the very place the crash occurred.
Here comes the Rabbit hole again...
ON a different subject,
The scale won't budge for me. I have been sitting at 119.0 for about 2 weeks now. The training has slowed due to work and home projects, but the discipline is still there. Another worry about travel is losing what I have worked so hard to achieve in the gym. Remember-- this is a bucket list trip. There will be time when you get home to train.
I took these decaying magnolia shots when I was out west somewhere. Not sure why I adore flowers as they start to die, petals falling and the colors darkening. It reminds me of the New Order album cover for Power, Corruption and Lies.
Today's music (Daniel Lanois and his steel guitar sound)reminds me of the southwest. Maybe even Mexico with the song titles. When I paint I like to play music--especially instrumental albums like this one. Some of the songs are haunting, like "Oxaca". I usually have to skip that one out of fear of losing myself in sadness. Take a listen to the whole album if time permits.
How is the healing coming along, I wonder? Moving in slow motion? My guides are asking me to elevate and be prepared to expand to what I was called to do. Easier said than done.
The water is calling and I will be poolside in just a few short hours.
This weekend's Glamping was a chill experience with time to sit by a campfire and listen to some jazz greats like Chet Baker.
I especially like this song not just for the liquor references but because I sang it as an audition piece long ago.
You go to my head/And you linger like a haunting refrain/And I find you spinning round in my brain/Like the bubbles in a glass of champagne.
I read about Chet in But Beautiful. Didn't realize he was such a womanizer. I guess you never can tell... I would have been a fool for Chet as well. What a tortured soul. Sigh. I loved how the book described his loathsome attitude toward conversations. I can relate.
It's a trip to read about an artist while listening to them play. But I've started to make a practice of it recently.
I have been enjoying the last days of summer in solitude reading poolside. It seems to be the only time in my day I am not in perpetual motion or feel compelled to DO something.
And sometimes I just sit in silence--listening to the angry sound of migrant hummingbirds flitting above my head competing for food at the feeders or leaves falling and thinking of the final scene from The Great Gatsby when Jay Gatsby (in his striped suit) gets shot while floating on a raft in his pool music playing...
I have 1st hour prep, so I thought I would get something down and move the grey matters around a bit. Ah, the silence of morning. It is my favorite time of day.
The mornings are starting to get chilly and the college kids are back in mass. I have mixed feelings about their return to Btown-- I dislike the traffic and wait time when they are here, but their energy and youthful optimism is welcomed.
Pridefest was in full force this Saturday-- it's a great time to people watch, and the weather cooperated, which is nice.
Yesterday I had to myself and I managed to refinish a 1950's formica kitchen table and chairs. I have to order seat cushions, but it is mostly done. I'm not all that fond of gold and black and prefer silver in my work, but I had to stay with the original colors.
The table and chairs were a steal at $99 and just needed a little love to bring them back to their former glory.
I've been thinking back on where I was a year ago today... so much change. And yet, there is so much I need to figure out. I get stuck in my head a lot and worry about the things I messed up. I can't undo what has been done. I can only hope there was a reason for the things that happened and it will become clear to me someday.
So my SO did a thing. He is officially an Elk. The initiation was a cross between some kind of creed you recite in church and a watered down Shakespeare monologue. But I appreciated the pomp of the whole ordeal--too bad I had to leave for the secret handshakes.
The Elks Lodge is a funky place but is on the Historic Register for Monroe County. While he was initiating, I toured the place and found my way to the basement (it was roped off but I went down anyway.) There is a beautiful bar that looks like it came from the movie set THE SHINING but not quite as fancy that just needs some renovation and it would be good as new. I'm going to look into some funding for that..
Meanwhile, now that I am well versed in bar management, I was shocked at how the bartenders pour at this place. So what if I am drinking with geriactrics-- the drinks are cheap and stiff and tonight ZION CROSSROADS is playing. I have not heard them since my DJ days, so I am looking fwd. My girl is up for it, so it should be a hill-billy-bluegrass-rockabilly good time.
Less than 2 weeks until the big deep dive into Peru... Hope you are well.
It has been an easy day at work but sooo sloooowww. I don't know how people can teach math for years and years without getting bored. I've learned that my next two days are going to be rough with freshman general algebra. Yay. Again, math people just seem so meh.
Yesterday I finished the front porch project and it looks amazing. The door pops and my paint touchups to the house, siding and door are a welcomed addition. Can you say curbside appeal? Yes.
Today I ordered my hiking gear for the Peru trip. I can't believe it is 21 days away. I have started to revisit the places I am traveling and am looking so fwd to Sacred Valley as well as Machu Picchu. Here's to hoping the trip will be a gamechanger for me and I will come home with clarity and purpose.
I just received my Degree of Certificate for Bar Management Summa Cum Laude. So I am official! Crazy what one can accomplish in a year's time.
I know I've posted this one before, but this early morning, with the windows open, that is what it sounds like right now.
The house is quiet (except for the antics of my two diabolical kitties) and the sound of rain on tires occasionally passing by the dark street is music to my ears.
This week I go back to work for 4 days and then I proctor the SAT on Saturday. It will be nice to get back into the building and see my old pals-- even if Kathleen did try to murder me in my dreams. I don't think I will share that with her.
The flooding waters had me concerned for my entire family this weekend. Hazel Del and the bridge near the Ripple mostly. I checked in with my girl, who is now in Noblesville and she responded with a curt and chilling, "All is well with the house" text.
OKAY.
Addition to post: I invited her down for the weekend and she agreed. Let's hope the vibe I am getting is just stress and nothing more.
A different take on the old classic Behind Blue Eyes
As per usual, the nightmares were intense last night. This one was a bit zombie apocalyptic in nature.The colors were the trappings of an oil painting-- dark greens, mustard golds and blood reds.
My former dept. chair (and friend !) was trying to kill me because I was leaking a story about a student she murdered (he was also trying to kill me) that she and her news staff (along with her husband) framed ( I know, dreams make no sense to anyone else but the dreamer, so why even try to explain?). His death was grotesque and indescrible, and in the end he hung from the ceiling until she cut his bloody body down.
After that saga, we were all in a car together trying to escape what appeared to be zombies or wolves. My girl was in the car with us, and we were splattered with some sort of acid wash. She lost all of her skin (her face green and skeletal) and died in my arms.
I survived somehow but my friend thought I was dead and wanted to cut up my body and stowe it away--and then pin the blame of the student's death on me. As the saw came closer to my face and lifeless body she saw my blue eyes blink and knew I was still alive.
Then I woke up.
I didn't go back to sleep after that-- must have been around 2:30 AM.
Adding to this post as I am heading for home. I prepared myself for the ride home by downing 2 mimosas and took an anxiety med. I'll put my airbuds in and try to think of better things on the 5-plus drive home.
self-medication isn't the best option but it's the only one that will work today.
This song soothes--especially lately. I have spent the last two and a half weeks alone or just sitting with myself. Between the movie set hours and now the event I have had to sit with my thoughts. I've been pretty down, actually.
Smile all the time.. Show your teeth to meaningless/sharpen them with lies..
Thanks, Jeff, for putting my feelings into music and lyrics. I think I am feeling some mild depression. There is a song by a favorite artist, HEM that popped into my head just now: "The pills stopped working." It's a bit too upbeat for my mood right now, so Jeff will have to do.
Guess that's where I am right now.
Laugh at every joke/ fill your heart with smoke
Maybe it's the FOMO going back to school thing. Maybe it's the friction I feel with my girl. Maybe it's the saddness I feel about not fitting in anywhere. The mundane. The banal.
On Friday an aquaintance mentioned a student of mine that passed away just after our student trip to NYC and I broke down. That might have been the first time I let that show. Two years later and it finally came out.
At this conference I observe that the person who talks the loudest is the one who gets heard. I am asked a question and before I can reply, the person who asked it continues talking. Because she honestly does not care what I have to say. And when she opens her mouth, I stop listening.
And I stop talking. I go out on my own. Thanks for taking into consideration someone else's dietary needs when deciding where to eat dinner.
"Thai? What is that? Do they have steak and fries? I don't eat anything green." Ugh. Get me the hell out of here.
I'll be okay--just struggling a bit right now.
It will be nice to get back into some kind of routine.
I will post another song from HEM here. It's been a long time...take a listen, won't you?
I'm up in Grand Rapids and I remember the photos that a friend posted about this place in December. So beautiful here. This hotel, the vibe... I see why so many people want to move this direction.
Still, I am a summer girl, so the cold winters would break me. I couldn't weather it.
These work trips remind me (too late) of the noise and incessant chatter that so many people live day-in-day-out. The small talk, the trival mindless blither over meaningful spoken words. I come back to my room exhausted but not inspired from these mundane exchanges. I come off as standoffish-- but I am instead protecting myself from the mindless tripe that the people I work with spew.
Unspoken words weigh the heaviest on the heart. And I feel that every day.
The past two days I found myself in a loop of invisiblity. We pass a castle-like building and the most VOCAL unread, untraveled and unaware asks, "what is that building?" And I say, "It looks like the Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany. I've been there. "
But those words seem to be unheard by everyone in the car as the conversation moves on to, " I don't know; it looks like some kind of castle." She says, " I did 37 years of thinking; I 'm done>" Yet she leads the idiot conversation of trivial stupidty .. I miss having intelligent or at least interesting conversations about music, travel, books --anything but being schooled by a talking head that a pickleball paddle is not a racquet and it's not like tennis...
I fucking kid you not, This happened at least 3 times on the 5 hour drive up.
I feel I am working with folks who are totally on a surface level mindset. I am stuck on the set of some b-movie ( wait! that was last week!) that has no substance and I cannot escape. And I hate it. I felt this way last week too. Where are all the interesting people??
Only once did I meet someone who broke the barrier and actually talked about meaningful things. And it's not the same anymore. It is now trival bullshit.
I forget how surface level and unaware so many people are. It is painful.
I want to write about the rift I am having with my girl but it's too much for tonight. The distance between us is growing; her somehow disgust of me is obvious with every dismissive, boundary setting and cold text exchange and I am leveled to my core. One of th few people whom I thought could stand the test has become my biggest critic and avoidant.
It's just another reminder to not invest your heart in anyone--not even kin. Because in the end
They, too ,will break your heart. And there goes another one.
Well happy almost anniversary. Tomorrow would have been my dad's 86th birthday. The cicadas are calling everyone back to school, yet I am out at Armstrong Stadium filming Little 5. Besides an extra (which, as I mentioned is shit work for shitty pay), I also play Phyllis Klotman, who was a Powerhouse for Women on IU's campus back in the day. In the movie, I get to congratulate the women riders by placing leis around the winning team and present them to the crowd. It's been a cool experience. Too bad they only chose me because I have short hair and wear glasses.
See Article https://blogs.libraries.indiana.edu/iubarchives/2017/04/21/1988little5/
Must close and get ready to hit the shoot. Did I lose you?
