"Goodbye Hello" The Beatles

I am feeling so much today. It has been nice to have a few days of solitude to just sit with everything. I'm not sure if watching Stephen Colbert all week has made me a tad weepy, or the ending of school and now feeling like I have no purpose and need to figure it out yesterday...

I wonder how Stephen feels right now, actually.

You say goodbye, and I say hello.

It would be too convenient for something to just fall into my lap. But damn, it would be nice.

Then I found this-- I could relate for the most part, but the end was what got me:

I was standing in the kitchen, looking at a list I had made for the weekend. Meals. Activities. Who was coming over. What everyone would enjoy. I had done this for years without thinking about it. I was the one who made things happen. The one who made sure everyone else had a good time. And suddenly… I didn’t want to anymore. Not because I didn’t care. But because I realized I hadn’t been part of the fun in a long time. I was organizing it. Managing it. Making sure it worked. But I wasn’t really in it. So I said something out loud that felt strange even as I said it. “I don’t want to be the one in charge of the fun this summer.” There was a pause. And then I added, “I want to enjoy it too.” It sounds small. But it wasn’t.

Because for years, that role had quietly become part of who I was. Chief planner. Chief coordinator. Chief everything.

And stepping back from it felt uncomfortable. Almost like I was letting something slip. But here’s what surprised me. The more I let go, the more I started to notice what I actually wanted. Not what worked for everyone else. Not what filled the time. But what felt good to me. Some days it was simple. A walk. A quiet morning. Saying no without explaining it.

Other days it meant letting someone else take the lead. Even if they didn’t do it the way I would have. Especially then. It hasn’t been easy. There are moments where I still want to jump back in and take over. Moments where doing less feels like I’m doing something wrong. But I’m starting to see something I didn’t see before.

How much of my life had been shaped by roles I never questioned.

And how easy it is to carry those roles straight into this next chapter… without realizing it.

This phase isn’t just about having more time. It’s about noticing how you’re using it. And whether you’re still living inside patterns that no longer fit.

So I’ve been asking myself something I didn’t used to ask. Not what needs to get done. But where I actually want to be. And what I want that to feel like. I’m still figuring it out. But I know this part is true. I don’t want to just create the life around me anymore. I want to be inside it. What role have you been playing for so long… you forgot to ask if you still want it?

"Shine" Daniel Lanois

It's been a hot minute since my last entry.

I thought "shine" was an appropriate song for today since it has been raining non-stop for days with no end in sight. It is putting a damper on my desire to jump into summer mode with the cold temps and gray skies.

Today is the last day of school-- officially hitting my one year anniversary of "retirement." The last day of school I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish this year. Some of them didn't surface, like "Get a new job" Or "Find a new Identity"-- I guess that is an ongoing thing?

I think if everyone had an opportunity to take a gap year, they would be so much happier with their lives. I know that isn't possible, but it's true.

I had a pretty unbelievable year with lots of things I didn't see coming-- Here are some highlights (Please don't think I'm bragging! I just have a Lust for Lists!):

As of August, I have lost 30 pounds.

Percey, my cat, died and I got 2 new kitties that I adore.

My Kia Soul was totalled but I got a nice new replacement with low mileage and a better year!

I ran the Turkey Trot 5k .

I trained for and ran the mini marathon in Indy.

My Uncle Neil passed away.

I decorated the White House for Christmas.

I saw Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlins, Nate Bargatzie, Wilco, Jeff Tweedy, Jim Gaffigan, Andrew Bird and Jake Schmabkuro.

I went to a Bull Riding Event: PBR!

I took 5 classes towards a Certificate in Bar Management.

I was a guest teacher at BHSS for half the school year.

I explored Sedona and Grand Canyon.

I Hashed with my Kennel for the Red Dress Hash.

I joined a book club and have read over 8 books.

I visited a few cities that I have never been to through work.

I watched the Hoosiers win a National Championship.

I met a few great people with whom I connect deeply.

I got my record player fixed and have some great records to play.

I have transformed my relationship with my physical body and am no longer afraid of the mirror.

I received the Educator Legacy Award and will be traveling to Peru in September.

I'm still waiting for the next chapter to begin- but maybe I am already writing that chapter. I suppose I need to continue to just be open to all experiences that come my way. I'll keep shining on!

"Sedona" Houndmouth

This was on a summer play list from a few years back. The song uses the Arizona town as a metaphor for a place that traded its authentic identity for commercialization. The song pays homage to Sedona’s history as a major Hollywood filming location for Westerns in the mid-20th century before the industry eventually abandoned it.

Educational travel. It is what I live for.

As I write this, I am on a plane, homeward bound, drinking a double shot rum and coke zero. It has been a long day of travel-- 2 hours from the Canyon to Sedona, 2 hours from Sedona to Pheonix, and now the final leg to Indy and then on to BTown.

I feel sluggish not getting my 14,000 plus steps in and eating way too much on this trip. The training has to commence tomorrow! Still, I know that slowing down on running has helped the healing process of my knees and is a blessing in disguise.

Funny how we get into our bubble of routine that keeps us monitored and on track. A person can live perfectly content within the constructs of their daily lives without any detours or alternate routes... I pity them.

This week I was so fortunate to commune with 34 other like minded souls who love learning and exploring. The cool thing was these people were all WAY older than I was. The oldest Scholar was 94 and still hiking the trails.

I was humbled by these geriactric geniuses who challenged me in my ways of thinking; Who imparted wisdom, just as the Hopi of the area did to their kin, who made me slow down when my impulse was to forge ahead.

The trip gave me pause to consider what is next, and many of the women suggested I become a tour guide for Road Scholars, a Flight Attendant or even a Mule Riding Guide down the Canyon.

Being the youngest person (Besides our AMAZING GUIDE, Kyle) I was there to help offer up seats on the tour busses, give hands when climbing steep stairs and just listening to their travel stories, which make my travel miles pale in comparison.

I saw the sun set over Grand Canyon with hundreds of people who cheered when it happened.

I woke at 4 am to hike to the Canyon to watch it rise in 40 degree temps with blankets over us for heat, to see hundreds of people waiting, as if this was the second coming.

I felt the vibrations in the rocks and trails of Sedona, I danced in the darkness in the wee hours with octogenarians as we watched the stars- as bright and brilliant as I have ever seen in my life, naming each one with a person on the tour.

I howled with so many others as we passed through a tunnel on a train in Verde Canyon, I sang songs in harmony with my fellow scholars("Country Roads" and "Happy Trails" to name just two) with a traveling minstral guitarist) on a train up to the Canyon.

It was a blessing being away from the noise and negativity of daily life-- to unplug and spend time in a place that rejuivinates and invites opportunity to connect to the land, the people and myself.

What a magical experience. What amazing people. I am forever changed.

"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own" U2

Bono wrote this song in 2001 when his Da died from cancer. Still, I think the words and especially this video with Bono singing along with himself, showing his raw feelings is priceless.

Take a listen, won't you?

Well, I did it. I accomplished the goal.

And now, just days away from the anniversary of my retirement, look what I accomplished.

Life is a river--not a straight line. The paths are crossed for reasons we do not know.

Is it to inspire? To motivate? To consider the possibility of other? To choose yourself? I would love to hear your side of this conversation. Maybe someday.

The race was a tesimony to my will and determination. And even though afterwards I could not walk (thank God for upper body strength) and am still struggling now to climb steps and get up from a seated position, I am already signed up for next year's race.

It's been quite the year.

"Say" John Mayer

I feel so disconnected. I've been literally running and can't keep up with my own life. Still, I know some are going through transformation and need space and time.

That doesn't mean I'm not rooting from the sidelines-- even when I feel shut out of the process and want to be there for you,

feeling mostly that I am not needed-- in fact, maybe in the way---

Not part of it. Maybe I never was.

I wish for real positive change and look forward to that reminiscent cup of tea...

When you are no longer afraid to trust yourself.

And you let me in.

What do you need from me?

Say what you need to say-- Even if your hands are shaking/ and your faith is broken/

Even if your eyes are closing/ Do it with your heart wide open.

"Still Crazy After All These Years" Paul Simon

THE SOLDIER was in town to see his college aged daughter and to attend the annual ROTC Awards banquet. We met up for drinks and has a chance to talk about our families and our lives--victories and setbacks alike. It is rare to know someone with such character and confidence. THE SOLDIER shared stories from our past, which made me laugh-- and some that made me feel bad. I realised that I was reckless with peoples' hearts and for that I am sorry. Fortunately for me, THE SOLDIER was forgiving.

His infectious laugh, dimpled grin and sparkle in his eyes has not faded-- ready for mischief even now.

Because connection can't be forced. It doesn't shy away or make excuses. It doesn't second guess or overthink. It doesn't hide. It doesn't disappear.

It is present. It trusts its instincts. It leaves space.

It just is.

I run my first Mini Marathon tomorrow. I've done the work and am trying to mentally prepare. I just wish my knees would cooperate! Here is my playlist if you are looking for something to motivate your workouts! Mini Marathon

MY MINI MARATHON PLAYLIST

"Angel from Montgomery" Susan Tedeschi cover

Susan Tedeschi has the most soulful voice. Tedeschi Trucks Band is playing this summer at what we used to call Deer Creek up in Noblesville. Great cover!

My Confession today that I need to share is actually about my obsession with Vintage and Classic cars and trucks.

For most people, they see a beautiful person and their gaze follows, for me-- it's cars.

I love the smell, the sound, the look, the steering wheel, the headlights, the colors....

If I win the lottery, my first purchase will be a vintage car.

I have to skeet but will return to this later. In the meantime, here I am basking in one:

"The Whole of the Moon" The Waterboys

Another Theme Song for Me. Brings back so many memories. Do you know this one? Sounds like me and my lust for challenges and terrifing adrenaline- induced activities!

THE TEACHER , who was a true confession, introduced me to lots of Irish/Scottish/UK bands and put them on mixed tapes for me. He was of Irish descent and proud of it. Lost his Dah when he was a boy and never truly recovered from it. We dated casually and watched Quentin Tarantino movies together. He was a gentle soul. We are still in touch via the Facebook--a good egg!

I am not sure when my lust for attempting things I couldn't or in most cases, SHOULDN'T started. There has always been a bit of a daredevil in my system, but I certainly didn't get that from home. Today's crazy happening *might* get me arrested. Or in a fight. Or both. I will be running through the trails and streets of IU campus with 28 other hashers all of us decked out in crazy red dresses. You will see everything from full blown ball gowns to scantily clad dresses on grown men. We generally meander around ( well, the Hare's lay trail before hand) and run through Little 5 parties. One year we ran around the football stadium as well.Talk about a rush. Nothing like it. I have noticed that this year is particulary active with parties and police presence. Students basically blocked Kirkwood last night and the police were called to disperse the crowds. So today will be interesting!

It has been over 10 years since I have been to a Hash and I can already feel the adrenaline rising.

I also like to check out houses that are for sale without the help of a relator. It is especially easy to gain entry after an open house, where the relator shows people around and forgets to lock the back door. Of course the front has the lockbox, so no dice, but the back-- they often forget about it. I got into this house-- boy oh boy--- if only... https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/870-S-Woodscrest-Dr-Bloomington-IN-47401/94519150_zpid/

I think part of the reason I do these things (and so much more) is that I HAVE to experience everything in life possible before I no longer can. Somewhere inside of me knows that I have a short shelf life and to quote The Flaming Lips, "all we have is now."

It's ok, I am totally fine with it. In fact, I almost got into a fatal car accident last night (my friend was driving and she felt SO bad). I was unphased. I just said, "Becca, it's not quite my time. Still too much to do."

I don't know if I will go so far as to jump out of a plane, but I am always loooking for the next experience that will light me up like a pinball machine. The Mini next week will be a mental and physical challenge that will test every part of myself. It scares me to my core-- but my will is undaunted.

What are you doing that scares you to your core?

"Vienna" Billy Joel

Slow down, you're doin' fine You can't be everything you wanna be before your time Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight Too bad, but it's the life you lead You're so ahead of yourself, that you forgot what you need Though you can see when you're wrong You know you can't always see when you're right You're right

I was recently asked, for the first time that I can recall, what do you need?

What do I need from you? What can you give to me that I currently don't have? Something that I am lacking in my life or with myself that you can offer?

What do I need?

I found that simple sentence to be the most selfless thing a person could say to me. It was like surrender. You would be willing to give me something that I need. Not just something that I want, but something that I am without that would make things better.

It would be selfish to answer that question. I am not a taker; I am by nature a giver, so the very idea of someone else giving me the thing that I need was in itself the thing that I needed.

Would you do that for me? I am not worthy of even sharing with you the thing that I need even if I knew what it was.

I suppose when you go without the thing that you need most you put it aside. I want to know what YOU need from me.

I think that what we both need from each other is Emotional Intimacy. No?

"Quenacho" Erik The Flutemaker

It's Official.

I booked the tour today. 7 days. Ollantaytambo Ruins, Huaca Pucllana, Sacred Valley, Sacsayhuman Ruins, Kenko and Tambomachay, Machu Picchu and more. This will feel similar to my Pilgrimage to Guatemala, where I communed with the Indigenous People of Chichipate and learned of a Guatemalan genocide that took place there (Maya Genocide). I have a fascination for how populations or even civilizations disappear-- I explored Poland and Germany to experience the most heinous death camps of all time. I visited the place of Christ's birth, torture and crucifiction. And now, the Spanish conquest of MP.

I was re-baptised in the River Jordan. I rode a camel within feet of the pyramids. I rappelled into a cave of water in the Yucatan. It's the Year of the Fire Horse and I am feeling it!

I took some excerpts from one of my favorite Chiliean poets, Pablo Neruda, from his Ode to Machu Picchu here:

VI

Then up the ladder of the earth I climbed through the barbed jungle’s thickets until I reached you Macchu Picchu. Tall city of stepped stone, home at long last of whatever earth had never hidden in her sleeping clothes. In you two lineages that had run parallel met where the cradle both of man and light rocked in a wind of thorns. Mother of stone and sperm of condors. High reef of the human dawn.

This was the habitation, this is the site: here the fat grains of maize grew high to fall again like red hail. The fleece of the vicufia was carded here to clothe men’s loves in gold, their tombs and mothers, the king, the prayers, the warriors. Up here men’s feet found rest at night near eagles’ talons in the high meat-stuffed eyries. And in the dawn with thunder steps they trod the thinning mists, touching the earth and stones that they might recognize that touch come night, come death.

VII

And yet a permanence of stone and language upheld the city raised like a chalice in all those hands: live, dead and stilled, aloft with so much death, a wall, with so much life, struck with flint petals: the everlasting rose, our home, this reef on Andes, its glacial territories.

VIII

Come up with me, American love. Kiss these secret stones with me. The torrential silver of the Urubamba makes the pollen fly to its golden cup. The hollow of the bindweed’s maze, the petrified plant, the inflexible garland, soar above the silence of these mountain coffers.

IX

In this steep zone of flint and forest, green stardust, jungle-clarified, Mantur, the valley, cracks like a living lake or a new level of silence. Come to my very being, to my own dawn, into crowned solitudes. The fallen kingdom survives us all this while, And on this dial the condor’s shadow cruises as ravenous as would a pirate ship.

X

I question you, salt of the highways, show me the trowel; allow me, architecture, to fret stone stamens with a little stick, climb all the steps of air into the emptiness, scrape the intestine until I touch mankind. Macchu Picchu did you lift stone above stone on a groundwork of rags? coal upon coal and, at the bottom, tears? fire-crested gold, and in that gold, the bloat dispenser of this blood?

"Le Temps de l' Amour" Françoise Hardy

I just happened upon this song and WOW. The words! The sound!

This song totally describes me and my adventurous spirit. You gotta take this one in!

I have the travel bug again and happened upon some money to pay for it. I've been researching lots of places but landed on Peru. So, in September, if all goes well, I will be checking another place off my bucket list. Lima, Cusco, Yucay/Sacred Valley and-- best of all-- MACHU PICCHU!

It has been a dream to hike it for over a decade when I read a National Geographic piece featuring MP I was determined to go. The Incas, The Mayans and the Aztec Empires are of great interest to me and I have been lucky enough to visit Uxmal (Yucatán), Cobá (Quintana Roo)and Chichén Itzá (Yucatán). I've also visited Tikal and Lamanai in Guatemala! The last on my list from Mexico is Tulum (Quintana Roo). That will happen some day..before my knees give out. In the meantime-- I'm Machu Picchu bound!

"Boots on the Ground" Massive Attack/Tom Waits

Wow. Powerful Protest Song with graphic lyrics and photos. Take a listen. Tom Waits-- you still got it.

"Just Breathe" Pearl Jam

How about that last Confession? Too much? I thought the blog needed a little spice.

Tonight marks the eve before my girl was born 23 years ago. I only had to push hard for about 30 minutes and she was here. Of course, there were contractions for about 5 hours and a scare that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck that brought on a moment of concern, but she was resilient. I feel for women who went through hours of labor and consider myself one of the lucky ones. She has become a kind, smart and lovely woman, and my best friend. Growing up only knowing her parents as separate was most likely the thing that made her ok. We did everything together. I loved to invent fun things for us to do, especially in the summer when we were both off for vacation. Now that she is older, I am happy when she calls for advice or just to vent from her day.

She came to visit with me and see the kitties and was filled with such joy. Tomorrow I will retrace the day of her birth and celebrate with her at 6:37 PM, the exact time she was born. Happy (almost) Birthday, my sweet Lilly Ruth!

FUN FACT: If you see a house for sale, check the back door because occasionally it will be unlocked by accident, offering a free tour of the house. Yep, that's right. I have been lucky enough to see some pretty cool houses just by trying the back door. more later...