"Mercy Street" Peter Gabriel

Nowhere in the corridors Of pale green and gray Nowhere in the suburbs In the cold light of day There in the midst of it So alive and alone Words support like bone Dreaming of Mercy Street

Wear you're inside out Dreaming of mercy In your daddy's arms again Dreaming of Mercy Street I swear they moved that sign Dreaming of mercy In your daddy's arms

I know I have posted this song before, but I felt it so strongly today while walking the rainy streets of Madison. I guess I should have selected "Red Rain" but "Mercy Street" captures my mood today. SO was such an impactful album my freshman year in college. It still hits me on a level that few records do now.

Looking for Mercy.

We worked quickly today and were out by 12:30--giving grace to explore a bit further, my mind recording everything for next time. Hoping to see you, a stranger, around the next corner.

Time is so odd on these trips. I close the blinds at 7pm and it could be midnight. Then I wake at 4am and do the job.

Maybe one of these jobs will land me an opportunity to advance to something more than breaking down boxes and stacking pointless evals. I guess the presenter's kids (who are still in college) know more about efficient management than a 33 year teacher-- but whatever.

I think about how your future and your life really depends on the leverage of your parents. If they didn't make it, you are at a disadvantage. Even if they were climbing the corporate ladder or were doing all of the things, you don't have that Golden Ticket. My parents were first generation college-- and I guess it showed. We had to work hard for everything.

My girl is better than I was, and hers will be even more at an advantage, but it was no picnic for me.

Should I tell you about the 6th grade overnight birthday party to Laura Spitsberg's where I brought a Jigsaw puzzle for a gift (because that was what I would have liked as a gift) and she got designer make-up and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans from other girls... Humiliating. Mom didn't know better. I wore Garanamulas clothing and played with strawberry shortcake dolls. I wasn't into makeup or boys or designer clothes. I was a child. Not a cotillion bred darling or Jewish princess. She lived in the coveted Eden Glen neighborhood-- what was the richest part of Carmel at the time before Crooked Stick was developed. She invited every girl from our class to the party. And you remember what I thought of that 6th grade homeroom..

Well, I was never added to that friend group. I was laughed at for the rest of my time in Carmel.

Ugh...sorry Rabbit Hole.

Laura, I sure hope you are happy with your well-to-do life wherever you are now.

Spotted Cow

Good Memory

"Solar Power" lorde

This could be my theme song. I'm such a summer girl. I'm kinda like a prettier Jesus Blink three times when you feel it kickin in

I wanted to get a little writing in before I have to set up and, well, it's my favorite day of the year: summer solstice! I found this about my Sun Sign today. It is exactly what I have been saying to myself for the past several weeks!

Starting today I will Honor my Journey, Set a Powerful Intention, Release, Realign and Rise.

It's all about Expansion--which is what Sagittarius is all about. An adventure calls from a direction you had completely stopped watching. A journey begins that leads somewhere the soul has been searching for. Say yes to everything that excites you right now.

Thank you Universe! How did you know I needed to hear this today?

Turn on a new kind of bright, IT'S SOLAR. That's me, baby.

"All We Have is Now" Flaming Lips

If you ever get a chance to see The Flaming Lips, you won't regret it. I just saw them on the 20 (?) anniversary tour of Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots a few summers ago. I was lucky to see them 20 years ago for the first tour as well. I was pregnant with my girl, so I guess she got to hear them in the womb!

I saw this link on the facebook and I know I have talked about this before-- that all we have is now, It sounds like an AI Anthony Hopkins but who cares. What are you waiting for? Do it.

Heading up to Madison tomorrow for work and will venture out on my own to see some new sights. I'm going to check out the Robert Lamp FLW house and would really love to tour the Herbert and Katherine Jacobs House, but I don't know if there will be time.

Mixology was super fun Tuesday night-- Chef really pulled out all the stops for us. We mixed all the classic cocktails, as well as toasting with a 2009 Amorone Classico and rounded out the night with some cheap Sparkling Wine (when you open Champagne, it should be silent--no pop ).

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Hope your kids hand you a beer and leave you to your own devices.

"Unknown Legend" Neil Young

When I was a girl, probably around 5 or 6, I was made aware of my size. When I sat in the back seat of my parent's car, I always sat in the middle between my sisters. They were both what mom called "small," "slim," or even "petite" while I was called "regular." I would look at our legs sitting back there and my thighs were bigger than theirs. "Regular" was not something I wanted to be. When I heard the word I automatically heard "Fat." My older sister was always slim and didn't have to work at it. She was 4 years older and I would often wear her cool corduroy pants-- she always had the cool artsy clothes.

While I was more of an athlete than my 2 sisters, they seemingly always stayed slim. I envied them and when we sat in the back seat, I would lift up my legs so my thighs looked smaller, constantly comparing them to my sisters' relaxed legs.

As I grew up I remember mom saying I should never wear white because it makes you look big.

I didn't even wear white to my own wedding.

I took it upon myself to lose all the weight and then some. In high school and college, I deprived myself of food, counted every calorie, including chewing gum, ate in secret and would take scalding hot showers just to pee out anything I drank. It's a wonder I made it through my freshman year of college, where I was down to 92 pounds.

I would have bouts with aneorixia over the decades, but when menopause hit, I ballooned up to a weight that was more than I was at full term pregnancy.

I look at pictures of myself even one year ago and don't recognize the woman in the photograph.

I am glad I finally figured out how to lose it-- because, well, I don't want anyone calling me 'Regular' ever again.

"Bewitched" Luna

I am road tripping up to Muncie for the next 8 weeks for my final class on Beverage Service and Hospitality Management. This one meets in person, so I have to stay up there (class meets at night and we are drinking), which sucks, but a break from the norm. I am hoping the hotel will cut me a deal since I will have to do repeat stays every Tuesday in July. It's no beach party, but they do have an indoor pool (ha ha).

This album (Bewitched) is great for road trips. I especially like

California All the Way

the rhythm guitar in this song makes you want to put the pedal down and leave those windows wide open.

I'm hoping something will come from completing this program. If not, I guess I will get certified in something else next year!

After being out west a few times this spring I can picture myself landing there. I see myself on a motorcycle cruising through the desert and working at a winery/vineyard kinda like actress Sandra Oh in the movie Sideways but obviously not as sexy.

So, Courtyard Marriott with an indoor pool that smells like bleach in Muncie, Indiana vs. riding my motorcycle around the vineyards of California fantasy?

I guess I'll take it.

Next weekend-- a funeral in beautiful Naperville, Il with family members I have not seen since my dad's funeral 8 years ago...

"There is a Light That Never Goes Out" The Smiths

CONFESSIONS OF B STUDENT

It would be funny if he still reads blogs... but I doubt it.

He posted this song when he fell in love with a girl who moved to Spain and he visited her for the summer. I couldn't listen to this song without thinking of them together, Oh lovely Amy, where are you now?

And if a double decker bus/ crashes into us/ to die by your side/ what a heavenly way to die...

He got a tattoo that read TRANSIENT and moved to the west coast. I would call him SATURNINE.

Now has 2 kids and a wife. But you can tell he is still dealing with his demons. Or maybe after all these years he figured it out. Too bad he never published anything. Now wouldn't that be something if he actually did write a novel and I played a minor character? Ugh. Old note to self-- stay away from writers.

He was my Kryptonite.

"Middle Distance Runner" Sea Wolf

I forgot about this song. Used to play it a lot back in the day:

Well, my heart is beating hard/ And I'm off with a shot at the start/ And my legs tremble from strain/ But by the finish line, I am drained/

[Chorus] So won't you run to me tonight?/ Tonight, let's not talk about next summer/ 'Cause I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

I have a 5k run today at Switchyard Park. It's the Strawberry Shortcake 5K Run (thus the song). I have not been able to do much running since the mini but here we go. It looks like rain, so this will be an interesting morning.

Time to warm up.

"New Kid in Town" Eagles

I just finished my first gig of ST work and am heading home. We had a super great group and eveyone really gelled for the event. It's nice when there are no big egos and no one takes themselves or the job too seriously. While In San Antonio, I got to work for one of the popular but chill presenters-- Anthony M. He is so dynamic and professional. Having a conversation with him feels like you are elevating yourself to a whole new level.

Those of us who were on trips together last year got to compare notes. Some of us are doing repeat trips, which will be fun. Still, it will be hard to go back to places that were so meaningful and some people won't be there. Sadly, I'm sure they don't even think about what an impact the time spent together meant to me.

Here's to safe travels home.

So much for safe travels home! After a 2 1/2 hour delay we are finally on the second leg home. We had trouble getting into San Antonio as well. What is wrong with that airport? Incompetence or just bad luck?

I woke up at 4:00 am to a texdt from my S.O. that he drove himself to the ER due to pain he was feeling from a cracked tooth that was after 2 days was now infected and swollen on both sides. In this job, there is little time to look at your phone, let alone make calls. I checked again and he was now entering emergency surgery with a risk of the infection spreading.

Not having family close, I called my girl and she took the day off to take care of him. I feel like a terrible person for not turning around and going home. His "work wife" also came to my rescue feeding the pets and alerted me that our kitchen sink was totoally clogged and the house was a mess. My girl cleaned everything, watered the plants and did all of the things I usually do to keep things afloat at home. She visited S.O. three times that day, walked with him, brought him real food and Starbucks per my request.

I guess this is a snapshot of things to come-- I hope I can handle it with the grace and patience that my kid does.

I don't tend to freak out and get hysterical about stuff like this. If you have been through tough stuff you just deal with it or get someone in the tribe to help out. Not that I have a big tribe, but you find out who is there when the time comes.

I have my girl-- and she rocks.

Here's my summer pool playlist Yes, I will be in the pool as much as I can between training, class and reinventing myself.

Cheers to 35 pounds lighter and a stronger me!

****Post Addition: After my first non-treadmill run since the mini, I was driving home and "New Kid" came on the player. I had to pull into the Kroger parking lot to hear the whole song.

Here is the opening scene description of Suddenly Last Summer. It reads like a dream. If I were a scenic designer, I would be in heaven!

"Coyocan" Calexico

I got up early, worked out and took a tour around the city. I love the dry heat and the smell of the southwest. The flowers and trees are so different--as well as the bird calls. Took in The Alamo and the Mission. There was an old Mission style Catholic Church just opening its doors for Sunday worshipers, and I considered for a second to go in and sit, but decided against it.

All the women on this trip wear crosses and last night at dinner they spoke of their MEGA churches. I felt like I was judged because I ordered a Mezcal and soda as they sipped their room temperature water and ate their salmon salads.

The Women's Leadership Summit is also happening at the same venue that we are working this week. It features women whom I would never want to hear speak--like Erika Kirk, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Leigh- Allen Baker. I am in the wrong place this week!

Speaking of places to go, I am almost through Suzanne Redfearn's Call of the Camino and really enjoy how the author set up the character lines in this book. It does seem like another adventure that would be life changing-- to walk the Way of Saint James. Given what she writes about with these characters' experiences on the path, it is grueling for even an experienced hiker.

I think if I were looking for an experience that would change me completely it would be attempting the 500 mile Camino de Santiago in Spain.

Maybe someday.

"Victor Jara's Hand" Calexico

Thoiught I would put up a song with a little Spanish flair. I saw this band back in my dj days at the Bus Chumb. They give off serious masculine energy. I could feel it so strongly and I was sitting up in the balcony.

I created my summer 2026 pool list and am listening to it as I fly out west. Many of the songs on the list came from this blog. "Angel from Montgomery " is currently playing. For some reason I feel like crying. Not sure why. I've been short fused and impatient lately. Hopefully this trip will give me the space I need to do something productive and yet take the down time to regroup and figure some shit out.

There is a woman I used to work with that isn't on this work trip but just happens to be vacationing in San Antonio who is friends with my travel partner. I would consider her to be judgmental and critical and to be honest, is not a nice person. Her first words to me were, "Wow, you have lost a lot of weight." First of all, I have learned in the past 8 months that there is a right way and a wrong way to comment on a woman's weight. In my encounters with all kinds of people, only two (who both happen to be teachers) were rude about it. She is one of them.

In case you were wondering, the first way is to say nothing. But if you must comment, you say, "You look great!"

Anyway, I am glad she decided not to work for ST this summer because I can't stand her.

Was thinking about a friend that I lost touch with today-- and I realized that I don't make friends easy because I give too much of myself and they freak out. Then I play the tape in my head as to what I did wrong. Over and Over. Ha-- Gillian Welch just sang, "though there was a time when you and I were friends..." From her song "The Way It Goes" Funny but sad. Now I am crying.

I think some people are just better as loners. I am emotionally open and too vulnerable because being real is something I expect from a friend, too.

Losing someone is harder than just NOT engaging. Full Stop.

When I first got divorced, I met a friend who lived in my neighborhood. She had a daughter who was in my girl's class and we did everything together. Our favorite thing to do was to drink cheap wine and read tarot cards while the girls played. She was getting her P.H.D. in Harpsichord Pedigogy. I thought, "Wow, a real friend! Finally!"

One summer day, I went over to see her, and there was a note taped to the door. " STUDYING FOR EXAMS DO NOT DISTURB." I knocked anyway. No answer.

I called and texted only to have it go straight to VM-- and the mailbox was full.

We were in the middle of making plans to go to Disneyworld with our girls-- a big step for me to trust someone-- especially after the divorce. I understood her need to study, but to completely shut me out so abruptly and without notice was too much for me.

She never returned a single response for 2 years. I was heartbroken-- what did I do?

A few years later, I learned that her ex-husband (who was a total asshole of a man) died suddenly, so I reached out to her to see how she was doing with it all. She started chatting away like that long hiatus never happened. I see her around occasionally and she inquires about my girl and tells me her drama-- usually standing in a random parking lot around town. I never asked why she ghosted me. It was a lonely time for me and the loss of her upset me for a very long time. Yay, I'm crying again!

I guess people all handle friendships differently. I just keep picking the wrong ones. Wounded birds they all seem to be. I'm there to fix them--knowing I can't--I can only encourage, but I guess I am overwhelming instead. Then they are gone.

I guess we were never really friends. I was just a person who made them feel good for a time,made them feel seen and heard, gave them valadation, accepted them for their flaws and loved them unconditionally.

Why would I want to go through that again? Some people seem to have so many friends and are always busy making plans. There's just not enough room in their lives for one more.

"no more sunrises" MYKUNGFU

My sweet daughter took the plunge and applied to med school yesterday. Over $900 for the application process to god knows how many schools. My hope is that she gets one closer than Cali or Utah, but that she is happy with the outcome. Marion College in Indy looks promising, but she has cast a wide net and is hoping for the best.

We decided to train for a mini triathlon at the end of August. I am actually not as nervous about this as I was for the Mini, but I need to get out there and do all three at once.

It will be nice to leave town this weekend for a few days and take in some new scenery. Even though it is work it will be a break from the routine here at home.

I think I am sitting at what seems like 28 days and the new habit has been established.

"Suddenly Last Summer" The Motels

This song plays a lot on my new wave station and I am grateful for that. While I always took the song at face value, this time I decided to look up the meaning behind the lyrics and was surprised at what I found.

I ended up going down a rabbit hole, but eventually landed on THIS MUSIC BLOG that breaks the song and the video down quite nicely.

I learned (how did I NOT know this about one of my favorite playwrights?) Tennessee Williams wrote a one-act, "Suddenly Last Summer" is called "a dark psychological Southern Gothic tale.. It centers on a wealthy matriarch (Violet) trying to bribe a doctor into performing a lobotomy on her niece (Catharine--spelled the same way too!) to silence the sordid, terrifying truth about the mysterious death of her son (Sebastian)."

Lead Singer Martha Davis said there was no correlation to the play (Williams died in 1983, the same year the song came out). "'Suddenly Last Summer' percolated for years. The song, written after her parents had died — her mom by suicide and her dad from illness — is a reflection on those moments in life when things are changing, like when it’s a beautiful sunny day and a cold wind blows and you know the end of summer is coming."

Of course Hollywood got hold of it and in 1959 came out with the film (screenplay by Gore Vidal).

I think I'll stick with the play.

You can take the lyrics any way you want.

But... Suddenly Last Summer