"Screen Kiss" Thomas Dolby

A shout out to all the early risers, who , if you were lucky, got to see a glorious sunrise this morning. I was basking in its pink, orange and red hues, standing awestruck in my front yard as if I had never seen one before. The sun kissed the sky-- and just in time for Valentine's Day.

Ah, V.D.-- the one obligatory day every year when we feel required to buy a card/flowers/candy/balloons (who buys a balloon for their S.O. anyway?)/jewlery/dinner in exchange for affirmations of love and sex. So much pressure!

And to the Lonely Heart's Club schmucks and incels who have to endure going to the grocery store and are bombarded with this Valentine's Day vomit when all they came in for was a loaf of white bread and package of bologna?

It's not your fault you don't have a girlfriend. It's the womens' fault.

I'm driving up to see my mom and my girl today. God, has it been over a month since I have seen them? Time truly flies.

I'll take in the details-- any nuances of decline. I also succumbed to consumerism and bought mom a huge boquet of flowers. And why not?

A Rose for my Rosie.

Thinking of all my loves today. I hope it's a special one for you.

I no longer fear the "Mirror" JT

Light the candle, sage the space, find the feeling, match the song.

I no longer fear the mirror.

I face it, full front, shrouded in nakedness, unashamed, unapologetic. I'm not looking for flaws (ok, well, I still am), not counting the moles or freckles or extra weight that still lingers. I don't smile, but I do celebrate.

Put in the time. Do the hard work. Do it for you. Don't apologize. Make the time. Stop calling it selfish. Stop making excuses. Go through the motions until muscle memory takes over. Practice the skill. Keep going. You got this.

Actors know these mantras better than anyone. We know there is always something to improve the craft. You're never done. I don't miss directing, but I do miss the creative flow that comes with working on a show. I have an unrelenting work ethic. So back to the gym I go.

I have to pick up Percy's ashes today. I think I will scatter them in springtime, when the daffodils are in bloom. Deep sigh.

"Green Arrow" Yo La Tengo

I'm revisiting I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One this morning. It's one of those that I put away because it brought back too much from the past. From start to finish, it evokes such melancholic sorrow.

I'm sitting in my grief. I don't want to share it with anyone.

I am pushing it into my workouts, taking it out on the treadmill, on the weights, and in my writing, but am unable to study and have little desire to even do simplistic tasks. I still can't seem to get her litter box out of the kitchen.

This guitar surronds me and soothes. Thankful for a short respite of time in my unsatisfying day to escape even if it's just for an hour. I learned a new concept yesterday from class, "Zeigarnik Effect." And while explaining it to my seniors, I almost lost it.

"Mercy Street" Peter Gabriel

'Rush Hour" Ani DiFranco

Love isn't over when the sheets are stained/ In my head there remains/ So much left to be said/ Make me laugh, make me cry, enrage me/ But just don't try to disengage me/

"When the World Is Running Down..." Police

As a teen I spent a lot of my time listening to The Police. I admired bass players and songs with a prominent bass line. Sting, Paul, Van Morrison's David Hayes, Jaco...

The Police got a lot of play time, especially when the walkman came out. In order to escape the chain smoking monster, I took to the streets of Carmel with my portable pal. Zenyatta Mondatta was my favorite. Between Sting's bass lines and Stewart's amazing drumming, I was able to release the sadness and angst that I felt most of the time.

"Driven to Tears" and "When the World is Running Down..." are the best.

I recently learned that Stewart Copeland played on Peter Gabriel's "Red Rain" and "Big Time." Those are two of the best songs on the record. Go figure.

(beat) Just watched a video about the superempath and the avoidant. It gave me some clarity and closure for how I am feeling. It's super fun to walk around trying to be positive when inside you are empty and confused and embarassed and can't explain anything to anyone because, well, just because. Hopefully the wounds will become wisdom as I move fwd more emotionally regulated. 28 days, right? Three down, 25 to go...

"The Ghost in You" Psychedelic Furs

Somehow I managed to catch a cold. I am sure that it's from all the kids that spread their germs everywhere and never wash their hands. I have zero tolerance for teenage boy antics and called a few on their shitty behavior today. I am not a fun person to be around when I'm under the weather. Still, yesterday was a typical moody Sunday with the stress of life maintenance, prep for work and my class.

It's hard to be in this space. Something shifted. And it hurts.

The irony in less screen time means less me time.

"Give it Time" Goose

Give it time/ Go ahead and give it hell/ Give it all you’ve got/ Or give it up for something else/ It’s a revelation/ It’s a hallelujah/ It’s the nature of the spirit running through ya/ So take it easy/ Just begin again/ Take a step back from the racе that you’ve been running in/ It’s the next song coming on thе radio/ Just when you need it/Turn it up and Lte it go./

The first time I heard this song I was driving to work-- it was a dark, cold February morning last year.

I was struggling with a student who had definite potential to succeed, but was checked out. A high school senior with no plan in front of him, and so far behind it would take a miracle ( or an understanding teacher) to get him across the finish line.

I found out that he was the oldest of 3, and a few years back his father was yelling at the kids for whatever odd reason--probably to clean up their messy rooms. Apparently his youngest brother, who was in middle school at the time, went to his room, closed the door, and killed himself.

James was the one to discover the body.

The whole family was wrecked by the tragedy. That certainly changes things when you know something so painful about a person. Makes you want to fight harder for them.

James didn't attend graduation, so there was no proper goodbye, good luck from me, so I never knew of his wherabouts or future plans, if he made any. I hate not having closure.

Over Christmas while dining at Michael's Uptown, I saw him with his dad. There was a sadness about the two men quietly eating in silence, but when I greeted James, he was excited to see me. He spoke of his new life-- ranching out west somewhere. His dad beamed proudly. We hugged and I left, happy for that closure.

Give it Hell, James. Give it Hell.