"beyond belief"

History repeats the old conceits
The glib replies the same defeats
Keep your finger on important issues
With crocodile tears and a pocketful of tissues

I’m just the oily slick
On the windup world of the nervous tick
In a very fashionable hovel

I hang around dying to be tortured
You’ll never be alone in the bone orchard
This battle with the bottle is nothing so novel

My first day of vacation. I am sitting on my couch naked typing this after a long bike ride and run. Had good conversation and coffee this moring at my local haunt...

So in this almost empty gin palace
Through a two-way looking glass
You see your alice

You know she has no sense
For all your jealousy
In a sense she still smiles very sweetly

Charged with insults and flattery
Her body moves with malice
Do you have to be so cruel to be callous

Lots going on in our sleepy, one-horse town. The sup. is in big trouble and the corporation is screaming. Fortunately it all hit the fan as school was concluding for the year. Lots of people leaving for good or awhile anyway. It is quiet here as
most of the town is gone. I have a friend in Haiti, one in Utah, and a few leaving for the Boundary Waters in a week. I usually don't notice the change in population-but I really feel it this year.

And now you find you fit this identikit completely
You say you have no secrets
And then leave discreetly

I might make it california’s fault
Be locked in geneva’s deepest vault
Just like the canals of mars and the great barrier reef
I come to you beyond belief

My hands were clammy and cunning
She’s been suitably stunning
But I know there’s not a hope in hades
All the laddies cat call and wolf whistle
So-called gentlemen and ladies
Dog fight like rose and thistle

I finally opened the papers confirming the divorce is final. It feels to me like failure. Well, when one door closes another is bound to open.

Here's to open doors..

fm. We are Many"

Of the many men whom I am, whom we are,
I cannot settle in a single one.
They are lost to me under the cover of clothing.
They have departed for another city.

When everything seems to be set
to show me off as a man of intelligence,
the fool I keep concealed in my person
takes over my talk and occupies my mouth...

P.N.
Hello.
Sunday after noon. I am feeling lazy today.
The back door is open and the gentle breeze blows into my apartment bringing with it sweet smells from the candle burning. It is a beautiful day. I should be out doing something--but I am not.

I am ok.
I saw a great show Thursday night, HEM and OVER THE RHINE at Bus. Chum.
Still, going to shows alone is starting to wear on me. I left before the headliner was finished, knowing that I had to work the next day.

I have a few long-term plans in the works, one is going back to school in January. The other is a euro tour next summer with high school kids. Italy, France and England. I will see how the Cyprus thing looks, but honestly, it will be so much work I wonder if it is worth the hassle.

School is out in 4 days. I welcome the slow pace of summer.

Looking forward to something unexpected soon....

*** Have spent most of the day on the couch watching old Elvis Costello videos and reliving my childhood. I can't remember the last time I chose to spend my afternoon doing nothing at all. In fact, I usually condem such behaviours. Funny thing is I feel fine doing it today.

johnny and june

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A Child
Oh, But The Fire Went Wild

Just finished Walk the Line
love like clover and honeysuckle-does it exist?

a memorable Memorial

Hi.
A few of my favorite things:
1. The clover is in full bloom. I love the smell of clover.
2. Swimming at the pool where I grew up, and still feeling like I fit in.
3. Walking the streets of Broadripple with Carolyn and Dave who currenly reside in a plucky, posh, palace just a stone's throw from The Vogue.
4. Sleep that comes after a physically and mentally exhausting but fun-filled weekend.

Photos to prove it:












Ciao-

fm. "The Marine Night"

...You're lovely, beloved, lovely night:
you hold the storm like a bee
asleep in the stamens of your alarm,
and water and sleep tremble in the glasses
of your bosom hemmed by valleys...
P. Neruda

This describes the evening here perfectly.
With the new time change, the day lingers on indefinitely.
But tonight, storms are brewing and there is the smell of rain in the air.

I sit, gazing out over the peaceful meadow now,
while enjoying the silence of the field and the evening song
rising from the birds.

The smells are lovely and the temperature perfect.
I am at peace.

I smile to myself and bask in the simplicity of the moment.
P.S. Check out Pandora.com (or my link below the archives). It will change the way you listen to music. I promise.

"And how long?"

how much does a man live, after all?
Does he live a thousand days, or only one?
For a week, or for several centuries?
How long does a man spend dying?
What does it mean to say 'for ever'?

I want to tell you about the corruption.
But I am scared. I feel like a communist.


I cry, after hanging up with a sibling who is beyond the pain I am feeling, who reminds me that 'I live in a small town...'.
I cry because I have no one to share my sorrows.

Everyone has a life that is full and busy--the new roof, the baby, relatives, job..

I stood beside the waterfall for a minute. I rememered how it looked frozen--its ice crystals penetrating the water below. I imagine briefly what Ophelia must have felt when her world came tumbling down and there was no one to talk to. The water seems soothing, cool, friendly. No wonder she let herself go.

I stood on the bank and reminded myself of a beautiful and amazing daughter I have. She is vibrant and lovely and sustains me when everything-else doesn't.

I want to jump in, seeing her reflection in me in the vast pool of shimmering, sparkling water. I want to surrender to my anger and sorrow and loneliness...the people at work who beat me down day after day with their jealous, angry, resentful words...I want to surrender to the loss of love and friends and faith I have in anything.


Did I mention, "My Skin is" just started playing?

fm. "loneliness"

it is what has not happened to one that determines the silence,
and I don't want to go on speaking
because I stayed there waiting;
in that place and on that day
I have no idea what happened
but now I am not the same.

P.Neruda

I finally broke down and bought the book. Two, actually. One for my friend who just turned 35, the other for me.

Today is Friday, May 19.
I signed my final divorce papers today.

I know this is the beginning of everything new. Not only personally, but professionally. Time for change.

I plan to be back in school by the fall; interviewing for better positions (or creating my own) in 2 years.

How have I managed to work so long in such a terrible environment? Once I move on, this bird will sing.


The sun is still up at 8:15pm. Feels like I am in Europe. God, I wish.

"Clenched Soul"

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
-Pablo Neruda

I love Pablo. He speaks to me like few poets do..What to say that has not already been said?
There is much in the world that upsets me. There are many in the world that hurt me. There are few the cut me to the core. To the handful that love me, I cannot understand how or why, but thank you.
To the rest, I have nothing more to say.

april showers

Hi. That's Lilly. Taken today while eating grapes. She hates the camera now (see below)..still I can't help but want to capture the innocence and beauty of youth whenever I can.


Just bought a few new cds: Cat Pwr The Greatest old Nick Drake (2000) bryter layer, and a crazy Paris Combo called Motifs
I started G. Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London last night.

I am lonely. I find myself getting lost in music to ease the feeling. The song currently playing is called "Where is my Love?"

My radio showthis week will be themed something with the subject in it. Something about lost love-love unrequited--venus and mars--I dunno. Don't tell me-I know--already been done. Just seems fitting for me...

At soma yesterday I witnessed 4 couples-all of whom were singles earlier this year. Seems so easy for everyone else to figure it out.

Today I picked Lilacs in the pouring rain. I love lilacs. The fragrance permeates (sp) the whole apartment. Am watching Lost in Translation and feeling a lot like Scarlet JoHanson even if I don't look like her. Where is my Bill Murray, I ask you?


Show opens on Friday. 2 weeks and I am done.
Miss you. Are you there?

hope springs eternal

You cannot say to the sun, "More sun." Or to the rain, "Less rain." To a man, geisha can only be half a wife. We are the wives of nightfall. And yet, to learn kindness after so much unkindness, to understand that a little girl with more courage than she knew, would find her prayers were answered, can that not be called happiness? After all these are not the memoirs of an empress, nor of a queen. These are memoirs of another kind.

Hello. Twelve noon on a Wednesday. I took the day off--needing some time to do things normal people do after work and on weekends, like sleep, eat, read, write, think.
It’s hard to do in a few short hours.

I am not sure what I can say on the blog any more. After reading about that freak who killed his ten year old neighbor and planned to eat her...then I read in a newspaper article that his blog mentioned him wanting to be normal, asking for God's forgiveness, and something about canibalism--yikes! I can only imagine what people would think of the things I have posted.

I am also bummed (but see the point) of Google restricting what you can look up online now without buying the book. It makes it hard to directly quote things without logging on and being tracked. I should have seen that coming. Still, it is frustrating when all you want is a poem and you have to jump through so many hoops to get it…

I just finished Carson McCullers Ballad of the Sad Café and other stories. Really the other stories. “Wunderkind” “The Jockey” “Madame Zilensky and the King of Finland” “The Sojourner” “A Domestic Dilemma” …but still need to read the last one, “”A Tree, A Rock, A Cloud”.
McCullers is nice-she doesn’t get me teary-eyed like the Russian authors do, but her descriptions in places are delicious all the same.

Other recent readings include a short article on the new term for parents (and mid 30 somethings) like me from the April 3, 2006 NewYork Magazine entitled “Up with Grups” by Adam Sternbergh. Check it out if you have time.

I saw Memoirs of a Geisha Saturday night. Loved the film. Need to read the book. More and more I say that now as I am watching a film how much better the book must be. Capote’s bio had me feeling that way too. Brokeback Mountain however didn’t have the effect on me I thought it would.

In other news, I learned to sail this weekend. On Lake Lemon, of all places. It was nice getting back to the water. I miss it so. There were a few times I thought the boat was going to capsize, but I managed to stay afloat. It was a great learning experience for me and an exersize in patience and giving up control to the elements.

Lilly grows more and more amazing daily. She is officially potty trained. She loves to read and play in the dirt. We play lots of imagination games, which is a good sign. I cannot believe she is three.

The other day we were digging in the dirt near my apartment,
“Mommy," she whispered,
"you’re my best friend.” She kept digging and I stopped and looked at her, trying to decide whether or not she knew what she was actually saying.

The feeling was exactly the same as the wind-being-knocked-out-of-you-feeling when someone says I love you for the first time--unexpectedly and unforgetable.

I currently hate my job and cannot wait until summer. Still too early to say whether or not it is the time of year when burnout rears its ugly heard or I am seriously ready for a change, but think this time that the latter applies. Time to start looking for something new.

The Cyprus Fulbright was actually cancelled for this year. I received word that funding arrived too late, and that several of the 12 people selected had reservations about committing to something that seemed risky and so up-in-the-air. I am hoping that they will invite me back to participate next year.

The daffodils and bright red flower blooms from small bushes around town are mostly spent now. The last time I was given a bouquet from a man was a little over three years ago. It will be a long time of waiting for that to happen again. I curse myself and my plain looks. I curse my longing for intellectual, physical and spiritual connection with someone. Still, hope springs eternal, I suppose.

Hope you are well. I miss you.

april showers

Even on the smallest islands,
they are tilling the fields,
Skylarks singing.
-Kobayashi Issa

lilly

Hello Blog-o-sphere. Long time no talk.
Sometimes life gets in the way of writing and that has been the case for me.

The older I get, the more I realize that my life is so insignificant that there is no purpose in putting my thoughts out there in the first place. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that there are a few things that have been difficult….(let me put the pesto and peas down a sec).

I received a Fulbright Hays from the University of Arizona for a 4-week study in Cyprus called Teach Cyprus. Only 12 people were selected to participate in the process-- Pre-service teachers thru 16. I was honored and excited beyond words--something that I had been actively seeking and anticipating for several months.

Unfortunately due to the cost of the trip and the short time I had to accept the Fulbright, I had to give it up. My parents were less than supportive in the opportunity; I had no help from administration at my school. To exert the energies needed to gather necessary funds to pay for a funded grant seemed assinine to me--so I declined.

I have to let the resentment I feel towards the above go. It will do me little good holding on to the feelings. The opportunity will not come my way again--so I must remind myself there must be something really important coming this summer that is keeping me from doing this.
++++

I have let myself down again thinking that spending time with someone whom I thought was a quality person turned out to be nothing more than a sham. I think I have given up on that whole dynamic of my life. Sadly, too, as it was the main reason I am here this time around.
Just means another lifetime to figure out how in the world to create and maintain personal relationships with like-minded people. I honestly give up.

++++
Lilly turns three on Monday. This time of year reminds me of the year she was born, all the feelings I was feeling at that time, how I cherished my friendships, and how one kind gesture from a friend remains with me still… it is, indeed, the hardest--absolutely the hardest month.

I hope you are well.

the president's garden in april
outside the lilly library, i.u. bloomington campus

Cyprus in June

I am going to Cyprus in June-July.
Just found out at 655a.m.

Not sure what to think

Thanks to whomever made that possible.

ps--I will let you know how it is in June!!

"Lazy Line Painter Jane"

Lazy Line Painter Jane prayed for an inspiration that would lift her above the mundanity of midday on a Thursday. She was in a hole, sat with egg and chips, watching busses throught the plate glass and easy radio of some old cafe. She was too bashful to pray outright in the cafe, so she pretended to read her fortune at the bottom of her tea cup, and she got what she wanted that way....

A woman who found herself too late. That's me. I am standing in my kitchen nook in my work suit, listening to LOW's Great Destroyer a little louder than usual. Drinking a newly opened bottle of Cab., I am pissed that my wireless router died in the last thunderstorm.

So am I Lazy Line Jane? I dunno.

Things I have been thinking about lately:
1. How the body changes by doing a target workout--like running or swimming.
2. How spring always always takes me unawares-one minute it is a snowstorm, the next it is 80 degrees and green. I never see it coming.
3. I am wrong. and often.
4. Once you have given your heart to someone who didn't want it in the first place, it still doesn't seem to grow back for anyone else.
5. Tornado dreams for me must be like dreams of falling or death for others-my reoccuring nightmare that indicates extra-stress. Last night I was actually taken up into the wind tunnel and after a few revolutions, set down again undisturbed. It came back to get me later in the dream, though.
6. What is Cyprus like in June?
7. Running has once again provided an outlet to mool over the puzzle.

Life seems to be passing by at a furious rate. I notice people staring at me more these days. Not sure why--but they do. Too bad I don't have the superpower to hear other peoples thoughts.

A friend of mine saw Belle and Sebastian in Louisville recently. I was jealous. But he doesn't have 2nd row center to Wilco.

On the movie front--recently saw GOOD NIGHT, GOOD LUCK and CAPOTE as well as SYRIANA (sp). Loved them all for different reasons. Had the hardest time with the latter, as I was in the way back and could not read the subtitles to save my life. Must see again--next time, front row. God, I am getting old!

Touche. Hope as always that you are well.