"Pagan Angel in a Borrowed Car" Iron and Wine

Another from the Sub Pop label. The Shepherd's Dog came out in 2007. This is my vibe today. The clouds outside have my vibration at a low level.

My girl is in the middle of her MCAT. I am feeling her nervousness in the pit of my stomach. Feel a bit like crying or throwing up-- or both.

ACCEPTANCE

I still have a few Confessions yet to chronicle. As I start to think back, some new ones cropped up. One or two are significant and I have so much to say I need to narrow it down. Others were a blip on the screen. Still, I remember all of them and how they made me feel. I remember feeling unsexy. I remember being told I was ugly. I remember hearing that I was average. I remember being rejected. I remember being abandoned. I remember being ghosted. It's no wonder women hate themselves when wanting validation from the opposite sex.

I don't know what to do with compliments today. Fortunately, I don't get many.

If someone told me I was beautiful or sexy or desirable I wouldn't believe them anyway. How do unlearn all of those ingrained thoughts and feelings?

This confession was high school again. THE MODEL came around soon after THE SHOWMAN told me I was like raw fish. I was a junior and it was the winter of 85.The MODEL was a transfer student who drove a Volkswagon Beetle, smoked cigarettes and seemed to have some kind of checkered past. He showed up mysteriously and disappeared just as cryptic. He worked for the Helen Wells Modelling Agency in Indy and was tall, with dark straight hair and dark brown eyes. He had more of a bad boy look than a clean cut preppy or rugged muscular vibe. His dad owned a restaurant called Fuddruckers in Castelton and would take me there on dates. I'm pretty sure he had a side hustle selling weed, as he would be gone without explaination and had older friends who lived in apartments in Indy who he hung out with, and always had a wad of cash.

He seemed much older than most juniors, but he had a kind disposition--at least when it came to me.And his smile was dreamy. Ha Dreamy. But it was!

I remember driving in his Beetle--it was cold-- he had the window down because he was smoking and the song Broken Wings by Mister Mister was playing. How's that for a crystalized memory? My 16th birthday was coming up and he was going to take me out-- but he stood me up. Mom had made a pink frosted birthday cake with roses on it. So, I made my wish on that 16th birthday feeling let down.

I don't think he finished out the year at our high school. Maybe he got a big modeling job and moved on, or whatever bad shit he was into got the best of him.

"Rumi"

"Ragged Wood" Fleet Foxes

Ah, the Sub Pop label. I remember this song! Great harmonies.Take a listen, won't you? Today's Confession was short lived. Another Beautiful One. THE FIREMAN

It was fall break and the son of a colleague (he was late to enter the teaching world) was student teaching at our school. We became fast friends. He stopped by my room at the end of the day to see what plans I had for the break. Of course, I had none, so he invited me to meet his friend and throw darts at Upstairs. THE FIREMAN and my friend both graduated from the school I was teaching at and he was in town for the weekend to catch up. The night led to beers and darts, followed by dinner at Tro-Ho and back to my friend's mom's condo, where he was currently staying while student teaching. The conversations flowed as did the beer, and pretty soon it was too late and we were all too wasted to drive, so we all crashed there.

THE FIREMAN was one of the smartest people I have ever met. As a kid, he would read encyclopedias for fun. He would start with one letter and keep going until the whole set was finished, and then read them again.

I remember going to the Farmer's Market with him later that weekend, and we were standing next to his jeep. It was getting warm and he took his shirt off right in the middle of Kirkwood. Needless to say, what they say about Firemen is absolutely true. Strong, sexy, athletic, smart. He had it all.

I would drive up to see him on an Sunday afternoon, stay over and leave early Monday to get to work. It was an hour drive, so not terrible, but 4 am wake up was a beast. One time when I came up, I think it was Thanksgiving, he was changing the sheets to his bed. I guess that doesn't mean much, but later that night, I found a long black strand of hair that attached itself to my calf.

I didn't say anything-- we never did say we were exclusive. But it did give me pause. Being a serial dater you learn that there is a time limit. It's three months. If you make past the three month threshold, you may have a chance.

It was coming up on Christmas and my cat was not well. I decided that I needed to put her down, and asked if he would drive down and do it with me. He agreed, but the day I had to do it, he called and said his Jeep was in the shop and he couldn't make it after all. Or ever again. THE FIREMAN extinguished me. We almost made it to three months, but I knew it would never work out. It was the worst Christmas present I ever received. I cried for a week straight.

I saw that he married not long after. She was strikingly beautiful, tan and fit,

With beautiful long, black hair.

"Pretty Persuasion" R.E.M. Update

Reckoning was one of the albums I used to play on repeat-- that and Murmur. Those early albums were spot on. The guitar has a signature sound frozen in time-- 1984. I came back today and played the whole album. 7 Chinese Brothers--- man. I'll post it as well. Such great new wave music came out of the 80's and I loved the shit out of it.

Who shall I write about today? I had someone in mind, but it's a long story with an interesting end and I am pressed for time today. I read something that stuck with me--

Retirement is not an ending

It is a transition.

And identity is not fixed.

It evolves.

I hope that I am intentionally building my next identity.

I think I am .

I have to come back to this post... ok, back. On tonight's agenda in Spiritworld will be Brandy and Other Fruit Based Spirits. We are down to just 3 on the call, and have all been spending every Tuesday night together since August. You would think there would be more comraderie but these people are stiffs. I get drunk with strangers and feel like I'm the only one who is having fun. Oh well.

Confessions of THE THEOLOGIAN

This goes back to high school. At the time I didn't know anything about the Law of Attraction, and still don't really. But it seems that is what happened here. My best friend at the time was bi-curious guy pal (we were always paired together in shows- since fifth grade, so we got to know each other well-- he was my dance partner in show choir as well. Also, he was born October 5, so you know it was fated). Anyway, we were seniors and there was some school wide convocation we all attended. As we were leaving, we both saw THE THEOLOGIAN. He was a junior--a lovely, tall, thin fair haired, blue-eyed darling. I think both of us gasped as he passed us by. My guy pal stated that he was going to find out who he was. Not before I do! So it became a bit of a competition.

I ended up winning, but only because THE THEOLOGIAN and I were in a show together (One where I had to strip down to a negligee onstage-- the 80's, right?). He introduced me to so much music-- and deep dive into U2, The Call, Sting's Bring on the Night, Amnesty International concerts like Secret Policeman's Ball. It was 1987 and we drove in his green vintage Mercedes, drank IBC rootbeer and played Paul Simon's Graceland and U2's Joshua Tree. He was a devout Christian, and he took me to his church's youth group bible study a few times. After one session I told my parents they were fakers and frauds-- not real Christians.

That went over well.

But school was almost over and I was headed to IU while he stayed at home. We stayed friends and wrote letters back and forth- and he said he met someone. She happened to live in my cul-de-sac. I hated those holidays that first year when I would come home to see his car in her driveway. Blue eyed boy with this Brown eyed girl-- the sweetest thing

I still can't listen to that song.

After graduation, THEOLOGIAN went to Taylor U to study theology and then later Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. I am pretty sure he came out as gay. Or celibate. I wonder when he finally stopped dating women. I am sure coming out and grappling with faith was a struggle for him.

And I thought the reason we only got to 1st base was because of his beliefs.

"Melissa" Allman Brothers Band

One of my all-time favorite songs. I never really listened to the lyrics until today. The words seemed somewhat appropriate.

Today's Confession I'll call THE PEDANTIC

I met THE PEDANTIC you guessed it, on an educational trip to Rome, London, Paris, Normandy and Florence. I was a chaperone taking my first trip with students oveseas and learning the ropes so that in the future, I could be in charge of organizing and eventually leading more trips. THE PEDANTIC was also on tour leading his own group and so our groups were combined. The PEDANTIC was from Upstate New York and was recently divorced. His sister was also on tour as a chaperone. He was all swagger and of course all the high school girls swooned over him. His doting, protective sister had Resting Bitch Face-- well, actually she was a total bitch, so it was just Bitch Face to me.

I am not sure when things started-- on these trips you are constantly on the move and communicating with tour guides and such. But since we were taking a bus to different countries, there was plenty of drive time to get to know people. THE PEDANTIC taught AP European History and liked to enlighten everyone who would listen to all of his embellished facts. He also used words incorrectly like IRREGARDLESS. Ugh.

The sister did not like me. And she made it abundantly clear. Still, we managed to go off on our own to explore cities. In Florence, we got lost down alleyways holding hands and finding secluded restaurants to kiss and drink wine.

Our last night in London, my group had to leave at 2 AM and his at 4 AM- we stayed up talking and kissing. But what do you do when the trip is over? We did the long distance calling thing. He suggested we both buy a copy of The Kama Sutra and would read it over the phone (I didn't have a smart phone with facetime) to each other. He would fly down to visit and come to school with me and hang out with the other Euro teacher through the day. He talked about moving to BTown and going back to school It wasn't practical, as he had 3 boys and one had a serious learning disability. He shared that he grew up in poverty and would sometimes have to go without or sell belongings for the family to get by. He told me about Marshmallow Fluff and how you add it to peanut butter and put it on bread. That's what he would eat as a child.

THE PEDANTIC didn't last long-- because how could it, really? But he burned me to my core. He told me that he met a woman doctor in a Starbucks and they were getting married. Fools Rush In.

Oh, I just remembered, the sister's name was

Melissa.