Sometimes going back to a tune like this is just the salve for the heart chakra. It's a peaceful, quiet morning and I am watching the rain fall from my office, window open and breeze blowing. I should be studying, but I want to put on some records and read instead.
My girl is coming over today! I was going to take her to her first Hash this afternoon, but I don't want to injure myself (or herself) if we hash in rough terrain and take a tumble. Bummer.
Going back through these confessions, I really hope folks don't think I am a terrible witch. Or a clueless bimbo. Maybe I was clueless at 18, but this is just the mosaic of my dating life in snapshots. To be fair, I have met men whose scent attracted me to them bigtime. I just know there is a particular pheromone smell or smells (maybe it's a dominate alpha scent?) that don't/doesn't work for me personally.
I woke up (well, the cats woke me up) thinking about this Confession and the concept of Pheromones. And this confession is a case AGAINST certain smells for me. I have met maybe 4-5 men that reek of a Musky smell that is so strong I could not date them. As physically/intellectually attracted to them as I may have been, I couldn't get past their smell.
And it isn't something you can say while trying to break it off. " I can't stand the smell of you.." That would devastate. So this one I will call THE BOOKEND
We met in college--had a casual date senior year and as luck would have it, landed at the same hotel in Daytona for spring break. I was on a break from THE SOLDIER and just wanted to have a good time with my roommates for our last hurrah. But THE BOOKEND was persistant, and he kissed me that first night at the wet t-shirt contest ( of which my roommate won) and NO, I didn't participate!. I wanted nothing to do with him down in Florida. I have a picture of him somewhere on that first night in Daytona-- crazy times in a white t-shirt. He was cute, but the musky smell...
Decades later, I taught his eldest daughter in school. She was a comedic genius and I helped her through stuff while her parents (THE BOOKEND) were getting divorced. I had no idea that her dad was this guy I went out with in college. No idea. He showed up to one of her shows and re-introduced himself to me. After she graduated, he asked me out and we dated about a month. He said I was the last woman he kissed before he met his wife and the first woman he kissed after he got divorced from his wife.
It sounds so poetic. I just couldn't get past the musky smell.
He married a girl from his high school that he knew. I think they are well.
I guess her pheromone radar isn't as sensitive as mine. In fact, maybe she likes it!
Sea Change is a masterful work of art. He wrote it after a breakup with his longtime fiance. I saw Beck open for The Flaming Lips with this album. I was pregnant with Lilly and very depressed. This album captures my mood right now. Take a listen to the whole thing if you have some time. I, with all of the best intentions want to share these intimate parts and songs that are beautiful and heartbreaking and sometimes inspiring. My hope is you can hear them in the same way I do.
Guess I'm Doing Fine
Lately everything is making me angry. People, bad drivers, the cats, loud unexpected noises, the fucking news, my scale, my body, getting parking tickets, stupid, pointless conversations, wasted time, shit that needs to be done around the house, banality..
I did manage to run the full seven miles for this week--twice. It's the only thing that gets me out of my head these days. I say to myself, "This is what mile 1 feels like. Oh, this is what mile 3 feels like, I have to pee, This is what mile 6 feels like, I can no longer feel my legs, Nothing hurts, I am not feeling anything right now."
There is no sunken treasure/ rumored to be/
wrapped inside my ribs/ in a sea black with ink/
I am so out of tune with you
I've been feeling out of tune. I am creating distractions. I AM doing the work-- but I am impatient. I crave answers. I seek affirmations. I desire feedback. Yes or No. Tell me the dates. Live up to your promises. Do your fucking job. Put in the time and the work. Know your truth. Help me to understand. See Me.
I'm challenging some of the social constructs and conventionalities of certain ideas. But the people I commune with wouldn't understand because they are part of those systems. So I keep it to myself. It's a lot to carry around. And the heaviness is too much.
Today I got up early and worked out (I work at 11 today). I love driving in the early morning when the grass is dewey and the fog obstructs the view. Upon my return home driving East I came home to this (see below). Of course, the pictures never do the landscape justice, but it was a glorious sight to see.
I think Mark Knopfler is the bomb. And to think I was this close to joining the Roller Derby. My name was going to be Teeny Mussolini. Those bouts were a hoot to watch! I think the main reason I didn't join was I didn't want to lose my teeth!
This Confession really stemmed from skating. My first slow dance on the skating rink from the church youth group outing and the song was "Endless Love". He was a boy from church I met at a Lock In. Remember those? I'll bet they don't have those anymore. Too dangerous! I can't even say that we dated because I was in sixth grade--he was in seventh. He'd call and there would be dead air for long periods of time on the line. I dreaded those calls.
We were both cross country runners, so sometimes we went running. He told me I had an unsexy walk. Dude, I'm eleven years old! It's something you don't forget.
Sixth grade was vicious. I was still wearing my hair in pony tails. I wore my blonde hair down only one day-- picture day and everyone flipped out. We moved from our elementary school to the junior high and my safe bubble of friends were scattered. My homeroom had a lot of the popular kids in it. I rememeber the boys in our class came up with a ranking system for all the girls in the class on how hot we were. The girl who was a ten had the biggest boobs in the class.
I was a six.
There was a red haired freckly ruddy football player who seemed to be the ring leader of our class. He called me ugly to my face. Andy Knapp. Yep, I will name names this time. Thanks Andy for that. I just looked him up on the Facebook. So dumb he doesn't know how to make his posts private. He looks like a big douche.
By the way, after sixth grade, my lucky number has always been six.
I've noticed that my songs aren't able to play lately. I've got to figure out that glitch. The past few songs I have posted are beautiful eclectic melodies.
The earth is waking up and it brings me joy. Is it weird that the smell of someone cutting their grass makes me so happy?
And don't get me started on the smell of chlorine for the pool! The windows are open and the fresh air soothes my soul.
Today's confession: THE GEARHEAD
Wednesdays used to be my radio show-therapy- and then wine bar night. B-town had an awesome wine bar that offered live music and tapas and an atmosphere beyond compare. It was my favorite spot to decompress, meet friends and spill the tea, or to celebrate big victories. I knew the owners and most of the bartenders ( most of them were music majors or opera singers bc they could pronounce some of the foreign wines correctly). I was still married when I started going to Tuto. So the bar got me through the rough times and then the aftermath. At the time, my hair salon was located downstairs, and I suggested to the owners of both places to offer glasses of wine to women getting their hair done. I recall a sad day when I was getting my hair done and working through hard stuff that I sat in the chair and sobbed. My stylist didn't say anything, she just let me cry. It might have been not long after I fled the house to a nearby neighbor and spent the night in the women's shelter. She didn't make me pay for the cut. She just gave me a hug and sent me on my way.
Whooosh. Where did that memory come from?
So GEARHEAD worked in IT for IU and had all the gadgets and wore them proudly. He had the phone thing that attached to your ear and he wore those toe shoes. He was a smartie but was a little off, maybe on the spectrum. I wasn't attracted to him in the slightest. But he was a wine drinker and he had a wad of cash. Oh, and his birthday fit into the December 4 people (remember what I said about meeting people around certain dates? yeah.) Gearhead would meet me at Tuto on Wednesdays (that was the only time we really ever hung out) and we would have a few and then go back to my place, where he would bring over several bottles of expensive reds.
I woke up many a Thursday morning with a massive hangover back in those days.
Again, it wasn't as if we were a couple, although I am sure he would have wanted more. I don't think he was able to express feelings very well, and in my state at the time, I wouldn't know how to deal with them.
One time when I was really sad, he took me to a nail salon. I think it was when the Colts were going to the Superbowl. He brought a bottle of champagne and we both got pedicures. he had his toes painted with Colts colors---blue and white.
Thing about him-- he didn't live far from my Westminster condo, so he would walk home after a night of debauchery.
He never let me in his house. Never suggested we go to his place. I wonder if it was a total mess or what. I always wondered about that.
So after Tuto closed and we were donesville, he started to hang out as a regular at THE DAD'S haunt. I always wondered if they ever talked about me. I'm sure they did. That feels dirty.
I have never seen GEARHEAD with a woman since and feel bad for him. I have that effect on men that get too close to the flame. Did I break him? I'm so sorry.
I really dig this song. It was playing on my way to the Y this morning. A beautiful sexy song. Enjoy!
My new glasses make me look like a combination of Rachel Maddow, Jamie Lee Curtis and Macaulay Culkin's younger brother, Kieran in Home Alone where he plays Kevin's nerdy cousin!
Today I ventured out to try a new winery up in Bargersville of all places. Most of these
Indiana wineries cater to the sweet fruit wine drinkers, but this one had a few dry wines that were palatable. The vibe was chill and the place also offered a soup and charcuterie in what appeared to be an old barn at one time. The Mallow Run Winery sits out on a large patch of land with a small music venue. I would say this would be a perfect first date kind of place. The homemade jalepeno cheddar bread was amazing (even if I am in training) I tried it anyway.
Man, what a feeling to not have to prepare for school on a Sunday and just enjoy the beautiful spring day without the Sunday Scaries! I know my theatre friends are under serious pressure and stress right now. Big Love to them as they gear up for the big show of their seasons.
As for me, I focus on training. I will attempt 7-8 miles tomorrow. I had an easy 1 mile run today with 5 minute intervals after and a hard lift. I feel strong. I feel good. But I desperately need to up my mileage this month. NO EXCUSES!
