If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
Take a chance on me
(that's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me
We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go
8/30/2008
"If I Fell"
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain
so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain
so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you
8/26/2008
languishing soul
This restless feeling, this anxious unresolve inside.. it sometimes turns to anger and frustration with fate and destiny or being a victim of circumstance.
4 tuesdays, 22 days...
I ask the universe, "where is my love?"
How much longer must I wait?
back to when harry met sally....
4 tuesdays, 22 days...
I ask the universe, "where is my love?"
How much longer must I wait?
back to when harry met sally....
8/24/2008
change is gonna come
It's that time of year again. Sure, it may be 93 degress and so humid you must take a shower after going down to the mailbox, but the change is coming.
First of all, everything smells different. It's almost as if the trees and grass and flowers know that autumn is coming. Like a dog looking for his familiar sniffs while walking, I too have those places I look for in my daily run: the Sycamore tree smell, the moist smells of decaying plant matter, the Pine trees, dewy morning smells, late night smells, pool smell, fresh cut meadow. The smells of summer soothe me and linger for months without much change.
I like that. Summer to me symbolizes so many things. Most of all it represents constancy and freedom. I delight in knowing today will be 89 degrees and sunny, tomorrow will be 89 degrees and sunny, the next day and the next. Indefinitely. I suppose nature is more constant than my relationships, so I cling to the one constant I know.
But whether due to the heat and humidity, the drought or the sun setting earlier now, the leaves are starting to change and fall. I crunch them under my feet as I run and cringe. Change is coming.
Most people love the fall and the many picturesque changes that come with it. I must admit that next to April, October is the second hardest month to endure. In fact, I think it is now the hardest month for me....
October seems to represent so many different things: marriages, birthdays, parties, romantic encounters, cool holidays, etc. But it for me symbolizes the loss of all of those things, those memories and those people. Add the leaves falling and the death of summer, and it's a crappy combination for me.
I see it coming every year and feel the same each time. And it's coming.
Someone I spoke with this week was talking to me about time being the best healer. He was right for the most part, in that it takes time to get myself on the other side of losing things. But nothing changes the fact that every year at this time all of those lost things creep back into my consciousness and I go through each death once again.
First of all, everything smells different. It's almost as if the trees and grass and flowers know that autumn is coming. Like a dog looking for his familiar sniffs while walking, I too have those places I look for in my daily run: the Sycamore tree smell, the moist smells of decaying plant matter, the Pine trees, dewy morning smells, late night smells, pool smell, fresh cut meadow. The smells of summer soothe me and linger for months without much change.
I like that. Summer to me symbolizes so many things. Most of all it represents constancy and freedom. I delight in knowing today will be 89 degrees and sunny, tomorrow will be 89 degrees and sunny, the next day and the next. Indefinitely. I suppose nature is more constant than my relationships, so I cling to the one constant I know.
But whether due to the heat and humidity, the drought or the sun setting earlier now, the leaves are starting to change and fall. I crunch them under my feet as I run and cringe. Change is coming.
Most people love the fall and the many picturesque changes that come with it. I must admit that next to April, October is the second hardest month to endure. In fact, I think it is now the hardest month for me....
October seems to represent so many different things: marriages, birthdays, parties, romantic encounters, cool holidays, etc. But it for me symbolizes the loss of all of those things, those memories and those people. Add the leaves falling and the death of summer, and it's a crappy combination for me.
I see it coming every year and feel the same each time. And it's coming.
Someone I spoke with this week was talking to me about time being the best healer. He was right for the most part, in that it takes time to get myself on the other side of losing things. But nothing changes the fact that every year at this time all of those lost things creep back into my consciousness and I go through each death once again.
8/23/2008
"Sunny Day"
Strange how the loss of someone who was once a part of your life makes you appreciate those around you who ARE actively engaged in it. And going through a process of loss together strengthen those relationships even more. My friends have been great this week especially with being there, saying what needed to be said, and knowing when to just sit with me.
Similar to the 9-11 tragedy, I love the way the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff at my school bonded and became stronger as we worked through losing Elena. I am proud to work at a place where we are a family.
Today promises to be busy with so much I want to do and no definite plans. That can be dangerous for me, as I tend to get sidetracked and without plans in place, I end up doing something completely different than expected. I should just make a list.
Things are looking good from here. I feel stronger and better than I did August 1st. Back in the groove!
8/19/2008
"seeking ugly women for Aussie lonely hearts"
...was the title in the paper today under Nation and World, I kid you not. As a woman struggling with the question of what is fucking wrong with me, my next thought was, "Why not move to Australia?"
AP is quoted as to saying, "Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face, whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
Well damn. I want some fucking degree of happiness. I should cut my hair..oh, too late for that...I should wear an eye patch and just let myself go like so many others have already.
Fuck it. I am moving to Australia.
AP is quoted as to saying, "Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face, whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
Well damn. I want some fucking degree of happiness. I should cut my hair..oh, too late for that...I should wear an eye patch and just let myself go like so many others have already.
Fuck it. I am moving to Australia.
8/17/2008
on Elena
While enjoying the Harvest Moon last night just before heading to bed, I wish I had known that you were gone.
***
Losing someone close to you is difficult, especially when you don't see it coming.
Frightening as it may sound, Last week while running I had a vision of a headline, "Friend, Mother, Beloved Teacher Dies...City Mourns the Loss"
Usually I write off these dreams and visions, but this one caught my attention.
In the midst of the run, I considered what would happen if a young, popular teacher would die in an accident? My mind continued on this thought, how the faculty, students and friends would be in shock. By the end of the run, I set those thoughts aside, knowing how close-knit our faculty is and how much a family we all are. That is one of the many things I love about working where I do.
So, when receiving the word late last night about Elena, I was and am still in shock.
For now, I must process this...this vibrant woman who just 3 days ago was sitting next to me, wishing her unborn son would arrive SOON and how much fun she had on the first family vacation with her 2yr-old daughter.
I miss her smile, her laugh and her bright personality.
***
Losing someone close to you is difficult, especially when you don't see it coming.
Frightening as it may sound, Last week while running I had a vision of a headline, "Friend, Mother, Beloved Teacher Dies...City Mourns the Loss"
Usually I write off these dreams and visions, but this one caught my attention.
In the midst of the run, I considered what would happen if a young, popular teacher would die in an accident? My mind continued on this thought, how the faculty, students and friends would be in shock. By the end of the run, I set those thoughts aside, knowing how close-knit our faculty is and how much a family we all are. That is one of the many things I love about working where I do.
So, when receiving the word late last night about Elena, I was and am still in shock.
For now, I must process this...this vibrant woman who just 3 days ago was sitting next to me, wishing her unborn son would arrive SOON and how much fun she had on the first family vacation with her 2yr-old daughter.
I miss her smile, her laugh and her bright personality.
8/16/2008
8/14/2008
sometimes
There's a storm outside, and the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"
****
Had to break free from work today and started my run with a new set of music.
"Sometimes" by the old James was the first song on the play list, designed to get me from house to track and motivated to run a few miles. Still, as I made the trek over, (giving about 4:35 to do it) the skies turned and I was in the midst of a down pour.
Too far to turn back and the drops, cold and HUGE were unavoidable and so I knew I needed to take temporary shelter under a nearby tree. I stood as the rain storm hit listening to this song (and the above):
It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore
The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on
About this time in the song, I began moving and was choked by the smell of hot, wet street and sidewalk. Still, the smells of newly fallen rain on grass and flora was lovely and I pressed on...mist rising with the moisture rising and humidity and rain together..
There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking Polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea
"Sometimes I look in your eyes and can see your soul," he says.
Lately I have given up that ghost but find the physical focus to be satisfying.
It will do for now.
It will do....
10:19pm.
I just took some time to see what I was thinking about and doing last year at this time in blog -o-sphere and It was another time of strife.
Would like to see next year's blog entree and find myself miles from this place and this feeling.
Still, in the moment, it makes for challenging times for me.
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"
****
Had to break free from work today and started my run with a new set of music.
"Sometimes" by the old James was the first song on the play list, designed to get me from house to track and motivated to run a few miles. Still, as I made the trek over, (giving about 4:35 to do it) the skies turned and I was in the midst of a down pour.
Too far to turn back and the drops, cold and HUGE were unavoidable and so I knew I needed to take temporary shelter under a nearby tree. I stood as the rain storm hit listening to this song (and the above):
It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore
The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on
About this time in the song, I began moving and was choked by the smell of hot, wet street and sidewalk. Still, the smells of newly fallen rain on grass and flora was lovely and I pressed on...mist rising with the moisture rising and humidity and rain together..
There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking Polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea
"Sometimes I look in your eyes and can see your soul," he says.
Lately I have given up that ghost but find the physical focus to be satisfying.
It will do for now.
It will do....
10:19pm.
I just took some time to see what I was thinking about and doing last year at this time in blog -o-sphere and It was another time of strife.
Would like to see next year's blog entree and find myself miles from this place and this feeling.
Still, in the moment, it makes for challenging times for me.
8/13/2008
"I will be perfect"
...were my exact words to my boss last night when asked why I was still at work after 7p.m.
And later, as I was leaving the building, my department chair said she sensed a more driven, focused person coming back to work.
I will be perfect.
just one more morning
I have to wake up with the blues
pour myself out of it
put on my walking shoes
go up on the mountain top
to see what I can see
the whole world is fallin
right down in front of me...
cause I got dreams, yeah dreams to remember.
I've got dreams
dreams to remember.
After a long bike ride, I sat in the quiet house and enjoyed the last few hours of my fleeting summer. I accomplished everything I set out to do and now am ready for the next chapter or season of my life. Too bad life wasn't more like work in that you can prepare for what comes next.
Still, I will strive to push myself even more physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. I am taking my losses in stride and am trying to focus on the accomplishments. I am rewiring myself and making changes; purging all the old and starting new.
I will be perfect.
Let the new chapter begin...
Pull myself together
Put on a new face
Climb down off the hilltop baby
Oh I get back in the race
Cause I've got dreams oh dreams to remember.
I've got dreams yeah dreams
to remember.
And later, as I was leaving the building, my department chair said she sensed a more driven, focused person coming back to work.
I will be perfect.
just one more morning
I have to wake up with the blues
pour myself out of it
put on my walking shoes
go up on the mountain top
to see what I can see
the whole world is fallin
right down in front of me...
cause I got dreams, yeah dreams to remember.
I've got dreams
dreams to remember.
After a long bike ride, I sat in the quiet house and enjoyed the last few hours of my fleeting summer. I accomplished everything I set out to do and now am ready for the next chapter or season of my life. Too bad life wasn't more like work in that you can prepare for what comes next.
Still, I will strive to push myself even more physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. I am taking my losses in stride and am trying to focus on the accomplishments. I am rewiring myself and making changes; purging all the old and starting new.
I will be perfect.
Let the new chapter begin...
Pull myself together
Put on a new face
Climb down off the hilltop baby
Oh I get back in the race
Cause I've got dreams oh dreams to remember.
I've got dreams yeah dreams
to remember.
8/10/2008
in the wee small hours
When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
you can always find something to do...
But from dusk til dawn as the clock ticks on
something happens to you.
In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the girl
And never ever think of counting sheep
When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she would call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all.
8/09/2008
my girl
I don't need no money, fortune, or fame.
I've got all the riches baby one man can claim.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl (my girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl).
I've got sunshine on a cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of May
With my girl
8/07/2008
call it a loan
In the morning when I closed my eyes
You were sleeping in paradise
And while the room was growing light
I was holding still with all my might
Oh--what if it's true
...What my heart says
Oh--what'll I do
What if this feeling becomes hard to part with
You were meant to play your part
In the design of a desperate heart
And while you gave your love to me
I was betting I was getting it free
Oh-- If I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
In the evening when you see my eyes
Looking back at you, no disguise
I'm not sure who you think you'll see
I'm just hoping you'll still know that it's me
Oh-- what if it's true
...Better ask the man inside
Oh, oh-- there seem to be two
One steals the love, and the other one hides.
Yeah-- can we call it a loan
Till I'm paid in full for the seeds I've sown
Yeah-- can we say that I've grown
In someway that we may have yet to be shown
Oh-- if I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
You were sleeping in paradise
And while the room was growing light
I was holding still with all my might
Oh--what if it's true
...What my heart says
Oh--what'll I do
What if this feeling becomes hard to part with
You were meant to play your part
In the design of a desperate heart
And while you gave your love to me
I was betting I was getting it free
Oh-- If I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
In the evening when you see my eyes
Looking back at you, no disguise
I'm not sure who you think you'll see
I'm just hoping you'll still know that it's me
Oh-- what if it's true
...Better ask the man inside
Oh, oh-- there seem to be two
One steals the love, and the other one hides.
Yeah-- can we call it a loan
Till I'm paid in full for the seeds I've sown
Yeah-- can we say that I've grown
In someway that we may have yet to be shown
Oh-- if I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
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