when october goes

I woke at 5:00am to a toilet flushing in Lilly's bathroom. The wound chiming clock in my living room had also stopped overnight.
The ghost is back. Just in time for Halloween.

So it's October 2nd. The mornings are chilly and my hands grasp the steering wheel tightly as I drive to work through dew laden windows. I usually have to roll them down just to see. I will have to start wearing gloves. And coats. And heavy socks..and and and. Yuck. I hate clothing.

Lots of memories tied up with this time of year. I am doing surprisingly well, actually. We will see come October 5 and 8 if that remains true. Sigh.

I am looking forward to trying out Lotus with a few pals, as well as diverting my attention by hitting Brown County and the wineries.

Got lots to be thankful for.
They are just days--numbers on a calendar. Soon winter will be here, and spring...and summer once again.

Hope Ride

Have been lax in posting lately. I guess I've been busy. It's hard to believe I have been back to work for six weeks. I've got great kids and things seem to be going well all around.

Last weekend I rode in my first organized bike event, the Hope Ride, near Columbus Indiana. We were going to do 13 miles, but ended up finishing out at 32. It felt great! So up next is the Hilly 100. I mentioned to my biking partner Kathleen that I didn't feel like it was hard work and therefore not really exercise. Granted, the course was totally flat--not a single hill--but long. I know the Hilly will not be so kind. Still, it's great to have a tangible goal out there to push me physically.

Fall is coming. I am trying to be positive about it this year. Usually I get down come October and November. Maybe I am turning a corner. I think so....

hilly 100

ok, so I survived my first "training session" Sunday to see how I could manage a long bike ride with lots of hills.
I think I may be in for the ride, although 50 miles a day is a bit on the extreme.
Still my riding partners were fine with me being vertically challenged and still able to keep up for the most part.

I enjoy the comradeship that comes with riding hours together. But as my friend Kathleen reminded me today as we compared notes, we both felt tired after the ride--whether due to worries about cars, hills, braking and pacing. With running or swimming there is a freedom that is different from biking in that you are left to your own devices and disappear in the water or on the trail.

Biking has a more social component to it that I am not used to.
It has been a great learning experience. I am looking forward to another training next weekend.

Onward and Upward!

one more time

"Have enough courage to trust Love one more time.
And always one more time." Maya Angelo

I recently received a card with this on the outside and have kept it on my desk at work. I look at it every day, but lately I have been thinking about it more and more.

You see, I think part of the sting of being alone is the worry of being rejected again and again by others. Once it happens a few times, the thought of going without love is much more appealing.

There is no risk, no pain, no longing or sadness.

Yet there is a part of me that feels utterly incomplete. Not whole. Like I have failed in life's paradoxical puzzle--finding a soul mate.

I should add Here's to not giving up to my list of mantras.

Have courage to trust love one more time.
And always one more time.

Here's to one more time...

"ease back" for you...

Hello
It's good to see you coming back again
It's been a long time
Since I sat with you, my friend

I'll lend an ear
It's not that so severe
Time has killed the pain
And dried up every tear

And now
I'm thinking bout what went, down
All the heartache
I laughed away
Just like a clown

And now

"Ease Back"
Ringtone

(click your carrier)
AT&TT-MobileVerizonAlltelSprintOther



> Sit around talking
Drink some wine
I'm really glad you stopped in
Spend some time
You sit around talking
Thinking bout the past
It's funny how it lingers
But nothings meant to last

And my Ma
She'd like to say hello
But shes a little scared
That I can't let it go

So let on, ease back, brother
And let it slip away
I'm tired of hanging onto
The pains of yesterday

labor day

Today's run reminded me of 2 different runs in different places. The first was Roma last summer outside a remote hotel in Rome. It was a chilly morning with the sun just barely rising and the air was heavy and moist. In Rome the nights were cool but the days extremely hot.

The second similar run was this summer up on the Grand Canyon. I was running along the south rim before sunrise, trying to find the furthest point out on the canyon to sit and meditate before showtime. Again, it was a chilly 55 degrees, and my legs were red and chapped from the chill.



I could have gone longer today without a problem. Still, wanted to get to the Y before the crowd and therefore had to cut it short.

Am happy about my new social networking and meeting lots of new people.
Today is day 28 and I am feeling fine.


Here's to the underdog.
Here's to the late bloomer.
Here's to holding out for the very best.
Here's to being honest with myself and others.
Here's to me.

Happy Labor Day. Off to TC Steele!

a better one...

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(that's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

"If I Fell"

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.




If I fell in love with you

languishing soul

This restless feeling, this anxious unresolve inside.. it sometimes turns to anger and frustration with fate and destiny or being a victim of circumstance.

4 tuesdays, 22 days...

I ask the universe, "where is my love?"
How much longer must I wait?



back to when harry met sally....

change is gonna come

It's that time of year again. Sure, it may be 93 degress and so humid you must take a shower after going down to the mailbox, but the change is coming.

First of all, everything smells different. It's almost as if the trees and grass and flowers know that autumn is coming. Like a dog looking for his familiar sniffs while walking, I too have those places I look for in my daily run: the Sycamore tree smell, the moist smells of decaying plant matter, the Pine trees, dewy morning smells, late night smells, pool smell, fresh cut meadow. The smells of summer soothe me and linger for months without much change.

I like that. Summer to me symbolizes so many things. Most of all it represents constancy and freedom. I delight in knowing today will be 89 degrees and sunny, tomorrow will be 89 degrees and sunny, the next day and the next. Indefinitely. I suppose nature is more constant than my relationships, so I cling to the one constant I know.

But whether due to the heat and humidity, the drought or the sun setting earlier now, the leaves are starting to change and fall. I crunch them under my feet as I run and cringe. Change is coming.

Most people love the fall and the many picturesque changes that come with it. I must admit that next to April, October is the second hardest month to endure. In fact, I think it is now the hardest month for me....

October seems to represent so many different things: marriages, birthdays, parties, romantic encounters, cool holidays, etc. But it for me symbolizes the loss of all of those things, those memories and those people. Add the leaves falling and the death of summer, and it's a crappy combination for me.

I see it coming every year and feel the same each time. And it's coming.
Someone I spoke with this week was talking to me about time being the best healer. He was right for the most part, in that it takes time to get myself on the other side of losing things. But nothing changes the fact that every year at this time all of those lost things creep back into my consciousness and I go through each death once again.

"Sunny Day"

Strange how the loss of someone who was once a part of your life makes you appreciate those around you who ARE actively engaged in it. And going through a process of loss together strengthen those relationships even more. My friends have been great this week especially with being there, saying what needed to be said, and knowing when to just sit with me.

Similar to the 9-11 tragedy, I love the way the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff at my school bonded and became stronger as we worked through losing Elena. I am proud to work at a place where we are a family.

Today promises to be busy with so much I want to do and no definite plans. That can be dangerous for me, as I tend to get sidetracked and without plans in place, I end up doing something completely different than expected. I should just make a list.

Things are looking good from here. I feel stronger and better than I did August 1st. Back in the groove!

"seeking ugly women for Aussie lonely hearts"

...was the title in the paper today under Nation and World, I kid you not. As a woman struggling with the question of what is fucking wrong with me, my next thought was, "Why not move to Australia?"
AP is quoted as to saying, "Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face, whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
Well damn. I want some fucking degree of happiness. I should cut my hair..oh, too late for that...I should wear an eye patch and just let myself go like so many others have already.

Fuck it. I am moving to Australia.

on Elena

While enjoying the Harvest Moon last night just before heading to bed, I wish I had known that you were gone.

***
Losing someone close to you is difficult, especially when you don't see it coming.
Frightening as it may sound, Last week while running I had a vision of a headline, "Friend, Mother, Beloved Teacher Dies...City Mourns the Loss"
Usually I write off these dreams and visions, but this one caught my attention.
In the midst of the run, I considered what would happen if a young, popular teacher would die in an accident? My mind continued on this thought, how the faculty, students and friends would be in shock. By the end of the run, I set those thoughts aside, knowing how close-knit our faculty is and how much a family we all are. That is one of the many things I love about working where I do.
So, when receiving the word late last night about Elena, I was and am still in shock.

For now, I must process this...this vibrant woman who just 3 days ago was sitting next to me, wishing her unborn son would arrive SOON and how much fun she had on the first family vacation with her 2yr-old daughter.

I miss her smile, her laugh and her bright personality.