lilly
5/09/2008
5/06/2008
life is good: a cautionary tale
I have lots to say. Unfortunately, as it goes, I only have about 10 minutes to say it. So this will require tweaking. This song brought clarity on my long drive, so I listened to it while writing as well. Ironically, the video itself scans NY city and all its hidden beauty and ugliness. No wonder I thought it appropriate for this piece of writing. "Green Arrow"
Like so many that must stop to eat, or sleep, I find myself unable to continue when thoughts have been brewing and need to surface. They fester while driving in city traffic at 4-way stops and lights, they stew in rural settings while battling the other lane traffic driving way too fast.
Still, the thoughts linger and grow, or bloom and grow as in the lovely "edelweiss". The best ones are recorded here.
In my childhood while leaving a beautiful oasis and clear to me that I would never be returning, I made an effort to take in those last few details--sights and smells mostly--before departing for good. As I grew older, these kinds of situations happened more and more frequently--visiting different countries, friends from far away, even visitations or funerals for loved ones--these places, objects, and faces left an imprint on my memory and remain to this day.
As the gift of writing exposed its wretched head, I reminded myself (as my mother continues to do..) that it was my duty to record these memories in some written form for others to see but more for a keepsake for myself-- as a photograph captured in time.
This is one of those times.
As I mentioned leaving a place that one realizes will be their last visit marks a memory and in my case never returning requires a longer gaze, a keen eye for detail and an almost inevitable don't-look-back-emotional quality. I often say, "this will make great fodder for a book," it will not so much be fodder, but what seems to be real life for me. Humor can most always be found hinged to tragedy in some way. Ask Chekhov if you don't believe me.
Anyway, I don't mean this to be dramatic. It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.
No denying it, over the past four years I have built up a tolerance to beginning and abrupt endings; and have lost (for the most part) the necessity for attaching my "self" to people or things and living distanced from too much intimacy. Not intimacy as an amourous act or even relationship so much as the closeness of others and letting people in.
I am currrently reading a book that seems to stress these themes-- Love in the Time of Cholera (Spanish: ''El amor en los tiempos del cólera'', 1985) is a novel by Gabriel García Márquez about a fifty-year love triangle between Fermina Daza, Florentino Ariza, and Doctor Juvenal Urbino set in the late 19th century and the first decades of the 20th century (roughly 1880 to 1930). The novel, a tale of unrequited love, explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility.
As many can attest, if the bitter wind of love rips you once, even twice, one
learns to exercise caution from then on. But losing someone slowly whether to circumstance or illness or age, carrying it on over long periods....these things are even more difficult to endure.....
So letting go and trying to burn an image of a day spent, a place explored, a grassy meadow, a quarry, a playground, a ravine--the fragrance in the air, the placement of the sun and clouds, the gate of a child, the sad eyes of a tired friend, the green water in mason jars holding bright yellow mustard plants, the hearts taped to the love nest, the eagle--no hawk-- soaring low look for its prey, the bliss in a child's eyes upon eating the sweet, the lovely arrangement of lilacs and hydrangas lovingly picked for a spouse set next to her place at the table, the trembling hand of an elder clutching a purple vase, the careless way books are loved and stored, the beauty of springtime, the grim look upon a loved ones face receiving bad news, the trail of crumbs left from a child, the celebratory wine glasses left from the evening before, the dried dandy lion presented with earnest after doing a bad thing, the plough-plop of rocks tossed in a creek bed, the pileup of shoes scattered next to a nearby doorway.... the sound of gravel bouncing off the wheel chambers of my car as I drive away for the last time.
I
Like so many that must stop to eat, or sleep, I find myself unable to continue when thoughts have been brewing and need to surface. They fester while driving in city traffic at 4-way stops and lights, they stew in rural settings while battling the other lane traffic driving way too fast.
Still, the thoughts linger and grow, or bloom and grow as in the lovely "edelweiss". The best ones are recorded here.
In my childhood while leaving a beautiful oasis and clear to me that I would never be returning, I made an effort to take in those last few details--sights and smells mostly--before departing for good. As I grew older, these kinds of situations happened more and more frequently--visiting different countries, friends from far away, even visitations or funerals for loved ones--these places, objects, and faces left an imprint on my memory and remain to this day.
As the gift of writing exposed its wretched head, I reminded myself (as my mother continues to do..) that it was my duty to record these memories in some written form for others to see but more for a keepsake for myself-- as a photograph captured in time.
This is one of those times.
As I mentioned leaving a place that one realizes will be their last visit marks a memory and in my case never returning requires a longer gaze, a keen eye for detail and an almost inevitable don't-look-back-emotional quality. I often say, "this will make great fodder for a book," it will not so much be fodder, but what seems to be real life for me. Humor can most always be found hinged to tragedy in some way. Ask Chekhov if you don't believe me.
Anyway, I don't mean this to be dramatic. It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.
No denying it, over the past four years I have built up a tolerance to beginning and abrupt endings; and have lost (for the most part) the necessity for attaching my "self" to people or things and living distanced from too much intimacy. Not intimacy as an amourous act or even relationship so much as the closeness of others and letting people in.
I am currrently reading a book that seems to stress these themes-- Love in the Time of Cholera (Spanish: ''El amor en los tiempos del cólera'', 1985) is a novel by Gabriel García Márquez about a fifty-year love triangle between Fermina Daza, Florentino Ariza, and Doctor Juvenal Urbino set in the late 19th century and the first decades of the 20th century (roughly 1880 to 1930). The novel, a tale of unrequited love, explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility.
As many can attest, if the bitter wind of love rips you once, even twice, one
learns to exercise caution from then on. But losing someone slowly whether to circumstance or illness or age, carrying it on over long periods....these things are even more difficult to endure.....
So letting go and trying to burn an image of a day spent, a place explored, a grassy meadow, a quarry, a playground, a ravine--the fragrance in the air, the placement of the sun and clouds, the gate of a child, the sad eyes of a tired friend, the green water in mason jars holding bright yellow mustard plants, the hearts taped to the love nest, the eagle--no hawk-- soaring low look for its prey, the bliss in a child's eyes upon eating the sweet, the lovely arrangement of lilacs and hydrangas lovingly picked for a spouse set next to her place at the table, the trembling hand of an elder clutching a purple vase, the careless way books are loved and stored, the beauty of springtime, the grim look upon a loved ones face receiving bad news, the trail of crumbs left from a child, the celebratory wine glasses left from the evening before, the dried dandy lion presented with earnest after doing a bad thing, the plough-plop of rocks tossed in a creek bed, the pileup of shoes scattered next to a nearby doorway.... the sound of gravel bouncing off the wheel chambers of my car as I drive away for the last time.
I
4/30/2008
"only a dream"
only a dream
that i had
in the night
only a dream
but it felt
so right
well i was down there
in the moonlight
i was holding you tight
but it was only a dream
only a dream
only a dream
that knocks me off my feet
only a dream
have you dancing
in the street
and that big band
keeps on playing
joe henry's retreat
but only a dream
only in my dream
only a dream
but somebody tried to knock me down
only a dream
keeps on hanging around
only a dream
we're rolling in the snow
only a dream
we just couldn't let go
i sit outside your window
just like romeo
but it's only a dream
yes, only a dream
but someone tries to knock me down
to the ground
but it was only a dream
but it's just a dream
still hanging around.
that i had
in the night
only a dream
but it felt
so right
well i was down there
in the moonlight
i was holding you tight
but it was only a dream
only a dream
only a dream
that knocks me off my feet
only a dream
have you dancing
in the street
and that big band
keeps on playing
joe henry's retreat
but only a dream
only in my dream
only a dream
but somebody tried to knock me down
only a dream
keeps on hanging around
only a dream
we're rolling in the snow
only a dream
we just couldn't let go
i sit outside your window
just like romeo
but it's only a dream
yes, only a dream
but someone tries to knock me down
to the ground
but it was only a dream
but it's just a dream
still hanging around.
4/14/2008
feist-y
Song lyrics | Intuition lyrics
What gives what helps the intuition?
I know I'll know
I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although although
They can lead you
Break or defeat you
A destination known
Only by the one
Who's fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home in half
A love is not complete with only heat
And they can tease you
Break or complete you
And it came a heat wave
A merciful save
You choose you chose
Poetry over prose
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I did I miss out on you?
4/11/2008
nesting!
No better way to start spring than finding a fresh nest by my door.
This bird used ribbons and weeds from the garden I pulled yesterday. Happy spring!
4/06/2008
april is...
So the countdown is on until the show opens and I (sort of) get my life back.
Been contemplating many things lately but have no idea how to articulate them...
the weather promises to be in the 70s this week finally and that will help with moodiness. It has been an extremely long winter.
I often wonder why people come into my life and the circumstances with which they leave. I am usually sad if the departure has to do with me. I ask myself what is it that brings me joy and happiness. Most of the time it involves activities of solitude and challenge. This includes big projects that end with a tangible and visual product. Most of the time another person is not part of my list of joy seeking. In fact, quite the contrary. I wonder why that is so?
I do like people. I enjoy the company of others for the most part.
I suppose I just like to make my own decisions and follow my own clock.
***
So spring is awakening in my sleepy town. My girl turns 5 in about a week.
If you are reading this page and have had some place in my life--be it past or present--thanks. I think of you and hope all is well.
The best thing I have heard lately--is that I smell like Germany. That's nice.
Now off to pick daffodils.
Ciao.
Been contemplating many things lately but have no idea how to articulate them...
the weather promises to be in the 70s this week finally and that will help with moodiness. It has been an extremely long winter.
I often wonder why people come into my life and the circumstances with which they leave. I am usually sad if the departure has to do with me. I ask myself what is it that brings me joy and happiness. Most of the time it involves activities of solitude and challenge. This includes big projects that end with a tangible and visual product. Most of the time another person is not part of my list of joy seeking. In fact, quite the contrary. I wonder why that is so?
I do like people. I enjoy the company of others for the most part.
I suppose I just like to make my own decisions and follow my own clock.
***
So spring is awakening in my sleepy town. My girl turns 5 in about a week.
If you are reading this page and have had some place in my life--be it past or present--thanks. I think of you and hope all is well.
The best thing I have heard lately--is that I smell like Germany. That's nice.
Now off to pick daffodils.
Ciao.
3/28/2008
gatekeeper
Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in
It's the scene
You set for new lovers
You play your part painting in a new start
But each gate will open another
June July and August said
"It's probably hard to plan ahead"
June July and August said
"It's better to bask in each others"
Gatekeeper seasons wait for your nod
Gatekeeper you held your breath
Made the summer go on and on
Well they tried to stay in from the cold and wind
Making love and making their dinner
Only to find that the love that they grew in the summer
Froze
February April said
"Don't be fooled by the summer again"
February April said
"That half of the year, well we'll never be friends"
It's Friday. Its (not) spring here in Bloomington-- yeah yeah.
I am gearing up for WIZARD on the 17th.
And listening to a lot of FEIST.
Looking forward to that show as well!
Lots of options for travel this summer. Its nice to have options. Just wish I had a companion. Still, the Grand Canyon looks to be #1 on the list.
hope you are well, wherever you are.
3/18/2008
something's coming
There is something going on with me
but I'm not sure what it is.
I sense an overwhelming change coming tied with sadness.
I see myself in a different light and am waiting for sunny warm days.
I long for time to write and think and to play.
Just a month or so left.
I am counting the days.....
but I'm not sure what it is.
I sense an overwhelming change coming tied with sadness.
I see myself in a different light and am waiting for sunny warm days.
I long for time to write and think and to play.
Just a month or so left.
I am counting the days.....
3/05/2008
higher ground
Had to find some higher ground
Had some fear to get around
You can't say what you don't know
Later on won’t work no more
Last time though I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah my way was hard to find
Can't sell your soul for peace of mind
Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here
Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You won and you are so lost
Told her you were satisfied
But it never came across
Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here
Had some fear to get around
You can't say what you don't know
Later on won’t work no more
Last time though I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah my way was hard to find
Can't sell your soul for peace of mind
Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here
Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You won and you are so lost
Told her you were satisfied
But it never came across
Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here
3/03/2008
hold on
Hold on John , John Hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna win the fight
Hold on Yoko , Yoko hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna make the flight
When you're by yourself
And there's no-one else
You just tell yourself
To hold on
Hold on world , world hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna see the light
When you're one
really one
You get things done
like they've never been done
So hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna win the fight
Hold on Yoko , Yoko hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna make the flight
When you're by yourself
And there's no-one else
You just tell yourself
To hold on
Hold on world , world hold on
It's gonna be alright
You gonna see the light
When you're one
really one
You get things done
like they've never been done
So hold on
2/28/2008
day 6
My angel I promised her we'd be dressed in a cloud
Standing on pillars on fire singing out loud
Shot from truth and love, not darkness
With the moon under your feet
Where birth goes on and rides terror
My shine will be complete
With your fire your fire
My tremolo
You're my fire
Every so softly it grows when you don't wear your armor
Crushing the burden and confusion sour
Trembling high on every leaf
Raining light down on your belief
Oh my angel unburdened by the race
I'll go down burning in your embrace
On fire, on fire
My tremolo
You're my fire
Don't take away my shine
My shine is all I have
My heat, my love, my beauty and my glad
It worries me sometimes that I want love
And live a life of sad
My tremolo
Sweet baby, my fire
My desire, fire
Thanks to Lent I have some excuses for restructuring my habits and new changes in life. Easter is not far away, but come mid-March I will be well on my way to changing these patterns and will not feel the way I do now. Fortunately I am used to giving up vices and although at first it is difficult, I am familiar with the feelings and can adapt/adjust quicker than I used to. I can sew it up, slam it closed, replace it, return it, burn it off, run it down, lock it up, repress it, deny it happened, breathe it in and out again...
I started The Sun Also Rises today after a reference made in another book I am currenly reading. Hemmingway has a way of pulling me in-- and fast.
Happily I gave up my plans for the evening to read and plan.
Doing a lot of planning lately.
It's not a happy time for me...Not a happy few years.
But it will be.
It's not a joyful time, to say the least.
But apparently I have more evolving to do. Still have not learned my lesson.
I do have one thing going for me:
Indeed. She's all I need.
2/24/2008
"san juan"
Make me see a whole new way
Make me see the new day, the new day, the new day
Make me be, make me be, make me be a whole new way
Meet me in San Juan, baby I'll be true
Whisper sweet everything to you
Yellow cactus rose
Cotton blown by wind
Beaten brown hands, perfect skin, perfect skin
In San Juan, I don't wanna know, all the reasons why you gotta go
In San Juan
Meet me in San Juan
Where nobody has and everybody gives
There's no sad where death lives
I see your love, I see your love
Baby I'll be true
Yes, I'll be true for your love, for your love, for your love, love
This one is for you.
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