When I passed El Alambre de Oro
I glanced at myself in the lighted windows,
and I didn’t look the way I felt but older,
dressed in shabbier clothes…
fm. Memories of My Melancholy Whores --.G. Marquez
Recycling. Check.
SOMA. Check.
Meeting. Check.
Workout. Check.
Dry-cleaning. Check.
Laundry. ..pending Check.
The usual Saturday life-maintenance day.
I did get a few new cds to review from the station. Clint would like this one I am currently listening to: Dean and Britta (a.k.a. LUNA) Back Numbers. It is all pretty mellow and laid back.
The other is more of an EP for Camera Obscura’s new If Looks Could Kill album. Only has 3 songs and one is from Let’s Get Out of This Country.
Back to my thoughts today.
I decided to disrupt the list to write. And to eat. I keep forgetting to do that lately. Plain yogurt with mixed nuts. If you gotta eat, might as well eat good stuff, right?
I recently finished a book called Long Way Down , a book about 5 people who met on Topper’s Roof New Year’s Eve to kill themselves. They don’t succeed, but instead become a sort of therapy group/support system for the others. There were some profound things that the author mentioned as the book neared the end that stuck. In one of the narratives, the character…probably J.J. said something about how none of them actually wanted to kill themselves because they hated life. In fact, they loved life so much that they couldn’t continue living…I am messing up the point. Still it got me thinking of its profundity (Is that even a word?).
Then today I was skimming a recent copy of O Magazine where I read an article about a woman describing her current job as “soul-filling and her life blood” and she could never leave it, yet the company couldn’t pay her enough to survive, so how could that job really make her happy--fully. Wow. Got me thinking.
Am I happy with my life? Am I being compensated and supported at work?
While driving home, I considered the number of years I have poured into my job--with very little to show.
What parts of my life, if any, give me the most pleasure?
I decided to stop with the chores and start embracing the things that give me pleasure. Too bad, as had I figured it out sooner, I could be living fully.
I gaze at myself in the mirror, and although I am not 90 (like the character in the book I quoted) I feel like that much of the time. Sounds like it is time for a change.
What about you?
1/13/2007
1/08/2007
1/01/2007
cabin fever and bragging rights
it's the boots..
I spent NYE in bed listening to Tall Steve's top 30 albums of WFHB. And actually, it was ok. No pressure. No driving home. No cold weather. No hangover.
BUT NY's resolution: Next year I will not be alone for New Year's Eve. Breaking a 3 year trend....
12/31/2006
ha ha...could it be true?
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12/29/2006
twiggy's "Pretty good year"
because it couldn't get any worse....
"Pretty Good Year" and all you optimists: fuck you.
Tears on the sleeve of a man
Don't wanna be a boy today
Heard the eternal footman
Bought himself a bike to race
And Greg he writes letters
And burns his CDs
They say you were something in those formative years
Hold onto nothing
As fast as you can
Well still pretty good year
Maybe a bright sandy beach
Is going to bring you back
May not so now you're off
You're gonna see America
Well let me tell you something about america
Pretty good year
Some things are melting now
Well what's it gonna take
Till my baby's alright
And Greg he writes letters with his birthday pen
Sometimes he's aware that they're drawing him in
Lucy was pretty
Your best friend agreed
Still Pretty good year
12/27/2006
the lost days and top 6 for 2006
R.I.P. Gerald Ford and James Brown
"The High Heat"
She wants to die
Like people do
Shower clicking
Summer was sickening
In that room
High in the heat
A white-hot beehive
Well she was doomed
She has a wing
To offer the sky
She couldn't stop sinking
She thought she wasn�t thinking
She wanted to die
She wants to live
Like people do
She feels like giving
It all away
All to you
found on: The Wilco Book/ words: Jeff Tweedy
I'm not planning on killing myself. Don't f-ing freak.
These are just the words to a song I especially like from my one and only real present received this year. THE WILCO BOOK (2004) complete with cd with 12 songs not included on other records.
With that said, on to the post:
I am a terribly unlucky person. My sister says I have edgy energy, which leads to me stirring up unwanted problems in the universe. She also says that bad karma comes back faster with me...almost instantaneously, in fact. This is apparently a good thing, as it means I won't have bad karma festering inside giving me cancer later down the road. (ironically, I am currently listening to New Dimentions...The God Theory...)
I just think I have bad luck.
Besides the obvious troubles in the love department, I will run down the most recent events this year in the exciting life and times of C.
Christmas Eve
While driving to my parents, a rock flew out of no where, shattering my windshield.
December 19
My life insurance policy and YMCA membership both cancelled on my birthday.
Thanksgiving weekend
Dr. Sarah, music teacher at Univeristy Elementary School took her life. 3 previous students also died of suicide or drug overdoses over the weekend.
Friday, 5p.m. July something
While house/pet-sitting for my sister, I managed to lock myself out of her house (with special old-style locks) in only a bikini bathing suit. No phone, no shoes....
June, 2006
My ex and I decided to put our cat Reuben down. My neighbor, Glenn, died a day later. Wow.
May 19, 2006
Divorce was final.
March 2006
While waiting at a stoplight, a woman talking on her cell phone crashed into the back of my car, shattered the back windshield and bent the back frame. My daughter was in the car.
There was a computer crash in there somwhere (I lost everything on the hard drive)but I think it was December, 2005.
OK. So, 2007 HAS to be better than this, right?
Now, my top 6 albums of 2006: (do you like that? 6 for 2006?)
The Flaming Lips At War With Mystics
Beck The Information
M Ward Post War
The Decemberists The Crane Wife
The Long Winters Putting the Days to Bed
Neko Case Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
2007--what do you have in store for me?
"The High Heat"
She wants to die
Like people do
Shower clicking
Summer was sickening
In that room
High in the heat
A white-hot beehive
Well she was doomed
She has a wing
To offer the sky
She couldn't stop sinking
She thought she wasn�t thinking
She wanted to die
She wants to live
Like people do
She feels like giving
It all away
All to you
found on: The Wilco Book/ words: Jeff Tweedy
I'm not planning on killing myself. Don't f-ing freak.
These are just the words to a song I especially like from my one and only real present received this year. THE WILCO BOOK (2004) complete with cd with 12 songs not included on other records.
With that said, on to the post:
I am a terribly unlucky person. My sister says I have edgy energy, which leads to me stirring up unwanted problems in the universe. She also says that bad karma comes back faster with me...almost instantaneously, in fact. This is apparently a good thing, as it means I won't have bad karma festering inside giving me cancer later down the road. (ironically, I am currently listening to New Dimentions...The God Theory...)
I just think I have bad luck.
Besides the obvious troubles in the love department, I will run down the most recent events this year in the exciting life and times of C.
Christmas Eve
While driving to my parents, a rock flew out of no where, shattering my windshield.
December 19
My life insurance policy and YMCA membership both cancelled on my birthday.
Thanksgiving weekend
Dr. Sarah, music teacher at Univeristy Elementary School took her life. 3 previous students also died of suicide or drug overdoses over the weekend.
Friday, 5p.m. July something
While house/pet-sitting for my sister, I managed to lock myself out of her house (with special old-style locks) in only a bikini bathing suit. No phone, no shoes....
June, 2006
My ex and I decided to put our cat Reuben down. My neighbor, Glenn, died a day later. Wow.
May 19, 2006
Divorce was final.
March 2006
While waiting at a stoplight, a woman talking on her cell phone crashed into the back of my car, shattered the back windshield and bent the back frame. My daughter was in the car.
There was a computer crash in there somwhere (I lost everything on the hard drive)but I think it was December, 2005.
OK. So, 2007 HAS to be better than this, right?
Now, my top 6 albums of 2006: (do you like that? 6 for 2006?)
The Flaming Lips At War With Mystics
Beck The Information
M Ward Post War
The Decemberists The Crane Wife
The Long Winters Putting the Days to Bed
Neko Case Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
2007--what do you have in store for me?
12/09/2006
I wish you love
Found this on my media player. Totally forgot about it. Bill Henderson and Oscar Peterson Trio, couldn't be a better combo. Reminds me of my old pal Paulie Mac...
Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in july a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love
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I've spoken to some when they ask how I am, I say well.
I'm in a safe place, I continue, which usually requires the explaination--
better than the scary place I once was in.
Oh, right. Sure....
They are satisfied with that, and I go on thinking to myself that it sure as hell is a dreadfully boring place. Is this how old croans settle on sharing an apartment with Sister Solitude? She is a quiet, no-nonsense person. Doesn't like to go out much. Not much to look at, and no one you'd want to be stuck at a table with alone for any length of time.
This week I have to put on the happy face for several holiday parties. I am trying to be optimistic about possibility of having fun. Trouble is, right now a bath and early bedtime sounds pretty darn good.
Ok, 3% pick tea, 4% Daphne, what gives??
Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
Can you tell I turn 37 next week? Yeah, age is starting to show....
Happy holidays everyone.
What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in july a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love
What Kind of Coffee are You?
You're not Coffee, you're Tea!
Take this quiz!
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I've spoken to some when they ask how I am, I say well.
I'm in a safe place, I continue, which usually requires the explaination--
better than the scary place I once was in.
Oh, right. Sure....
They are satisfied with that, and I go on thinking to myself that it sure as hell is a dreadfully boring place. Is this how old croans settle on sharing an apartment with Sister Solitude? She is a quiet, no-nonsense person. Doesn't like to go out much. Not much to look at, and no one you'd want to be stuck at a table with alone for any length of time.
This week I have to put on the happy face for several holiday parties. I am trying to be optimistic about possibility of having fun. Trouble is, right now a bath and early bedtime sounds pretty darn good.
Ok, 3% pick tea, 4% Daphne, what gives??
Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
Can you tell I turn 37 next week? Yeah, age is starting to show....
Happy holidays everyone.
What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
11/27/2006
Sarah Smile
“The cure for unhappiness is happiness, I don’t care what anyone says.”
-Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again
(Opening quote from Nick Hornby’s new novel A Long Way Down . The back cover reads, “ One New Year‘s Eve, four people with very different reasons but a common purpose…at the heart (it) isn‘t really about suicide itself, it‘s more about what happens when you don‘t kill yourself…)
It was strangely coincidental that I decided to start this book last night. I was hoping to begin reading much earlier in the weekend --being a long holiday weekend and all. But family obligations kept me up and away from the book. I have this small group of students who read voraciously. 2-3 books a week. So, after much poking and fuss, I finally got This One out of Nate S.
It wasn’t until I arrived at work and read my email when I found out.
She killed herself. With a gun. Shot herself in the heart.
That was not part of the email. Nate was the one who told me.
Her teenage son, a student at my school, found her the morning after Thanksgiving.
It gets more complicated: She had been with my theatre students the previous day for dinner; showing little sign of distress. Just the usual blues. Divorced mother, 52, doctorate, stressful job at a prestigious school, YMCA regular. Who would have thought?
I lay in bed with my daughter while she drifted off to sleep, thinking about life and happiness. Why do we go on living? What is the point? The simple joys are so fleeting and under whelming; life is so monotonous and painful--why continue?
Well, because we have no choice. We must go on, despite all that haunts us, all the retribution and pain and suffering. Even after watching AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH and wondering will there be a place on this earth for my daughter 50 years from now?
I have hope. It’s not too late for happiness.
Sarah, wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy.
-Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again
(Opening quote from Nick Hornby’s new novel A Long Way Down . The back cover reads, “ One New Year‘s Eve, four people with very different reasons but a common purpose…at the heart (it) isn‘t really about suicide itself, it‘s more about what happens when you don‘t kill yourself…)
It was strangely coincidental that I decided to start this book last night. I was hoping to begin reading much earlier in the weekend --being a long holiday weekend and all. But family obligations kept me up and away from the book. I have this small group of students who read voraciously. 2-3 books a week. So, after much poking and fuss, I finally got This One out of Nate S.
It wasn’t until I arrived at work and read my email when I found out.
She killed herself. With a gun. Shot herself in the heart.
That was not part of the email. Nate was the one who told me.
Her teenage son, a student at my school, found her the morning after Thanksgiving.
It gets more complicated: She had been with my theatre students the previous day for dinner; showing little sign of distress. Just the usual blues. Divorced mother, 52, doctorate, stressful job at a prestigious school, YMCA regular. Who would have thought?
I lay in bed with my daughter while she drifted off to sleep, thinking about life and happiness. Why do we go on living? What is the point? The simple joys are so fleeting and under whelming; life is so monotonous and painful--why continue?
Well, because we have no choice. We must go on, despite all that haunts us, all the retribution and pain and suffering. Even after watching AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH and wondering will there be a place on this earth for my daughter 50 years from now?
I have hope. It’s not too late for happiness.
Sarah, wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy.
11/18/2006
sex and the city....
I have a friend who recently started a myspace page. So she loves all the online quizzes. She also got me started on Sex and the City. So, I took this quiz. If you have ever seen the show or if you really know me, you know that this is a good fit.
In other news, I am well.
Saw Gillian Welch the other night. The best show I have seen since Calexico. Better even. Also saw an intense play called Arrangement for Two Violas Heavy. Naked gay-acting sexy men onstage--two feet away. Yes, I am not kidding. Strange to see the father of a former student kissing another man right in front of you. Even stranger yet to be with a man you hardly know while this is happening. Who said life was uncomplicated?
I am between books and music--need a title, a theme.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I
am
so
glad
.
| You Are Most Like Carrie! |
 You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated. |
In other news, I am well.
Saw Gillian Welch the other night. The best show I have seen since Calexico. Better even. Also saw an intense play called Arrangement for Two Violas Heavy. Naked gay-acting sexy men onstage--two feet away. Yes, I am not kidding. Strange to see the father of a former student kissing another man right in front of you. Even stranger yet to be with a man you hardly know while this is happening. Who said life was uncomplicated?
I am between books and music--need a title, a theme.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I
am
so
glad
.
11/12/2006
simplicity, remember?
Becky's Michael
Lilly and cousin Michael--the terrible twoThe sun is streaming through the window giving me a false sense of time. It is almost 5p.m.
Been having nightmares the past few nights. A plane crash. A chase. A murder. Ex-boyfriends. Not sure what to do with it.
The start of a new cycle--a new semester?
I missed him yesterday, or at least thought of him. What does that mean?
11/05/2006
"...and one for the road"
You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say...
Thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind
My bending your ear
But this torch that I found, It's gotta be drowned
Or it's gonna explode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
Gee, thanks Frank...or was it Billie who said it best?
I dunno.
November 5. Two years and two days since I blew the joint and started fresh. Still, it looms like it was yesterday. Bad memories usually do.
I am unusually calm for the season. I hate HATE the holidays.
Never used to. It just seems the family has become more and more a glorified ideal than a reality for me. Same with relationships, actually.
This time of year is tough for everyone who is single. But when people say that it reminds me of the same rhetoric I hear when people defend Shakespeare and why his works are still relevant today. The same tired response. Explain that to a mostly aliterate society who don't plan to vote this Tuesday. They are too busy shopping at Walmart.
I have "let go" of a few more hangers-on men. These are men who are not able to return calls, emails or common communication exchanges in a timely manner. These are men who when invited to an event they wait until the day of to text the woman and say they "feel bad but would not be good company..."
THEN! They drop a line randomly just to keep the poor woman hanging on but the exchange means nothing to him.
These are also men who are seeing someone, whether seriously or casually, and want to keep their options open. Disgusting. I want to call up the oblivious girlfriend and fill her in on the boyfriend's extra curricular flirting. That will stop the wedding planning right away. But not that I would know anything about this. Shit, it has never happened to me three times or more in the last year.
So what else? I need a project. I am currently bored and boring.
Time to change that. Do I sound bitter or jaded? Both, perhaps?
Good. At least I am transparent.
And you?
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say...
Thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind
My bending your ear
But this torch that I found, It's gotta be drowned
Or it's gonna explode
Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
Gee, thanks Frank...or was it Billie who said it best?
I dunno.
November 5. Two years and two days since I blew the joint and started fresh. Still, it looms like it was yesterday. Bad memories usually do.
I am unusually calm for the season. I hate HATE the holidays.
Never used to. It just seems the family has become more and more a glorified ideal than a reality for me. Same with relationships, actually.
This time of year is tough for everyone who is single. But when people say that it reminds me of the same rhetoric I hear when people defend Shakespeare and why his works are still relevant today. The same tired response. Explain that to a mostly aliterate society who don't plan to vote this Tuesday. They are too busy shopping at Walmart.
I have "let go" of a few more hangers-on men. These are men who are not able to return calls, emails or common communication exchanges in a timely manner. These are men who when invited to an event they wait until the day of to text the woman and say they "feel bad but would not be good company..."
THEN! They drop a line randomly just to keep the poor woman hanging on but the exchange means nothing to him.
These are also men who are seeing someone, whether seriously or casually, and want to keep their options open. Disgusting. I want to call up the oblivious girlfriend and fill her in on the boyfriend's extra curricular flirting. That will stop the wedding planning right away. But not that I would know anything about this. Shit, it has never happened to me three times or more in the last year.
So what else? I need a project. I am currently bored and boring.
Time to change that. Do I sound bitter or jaded? Both, perhaps?
Good. At least I am transparent.
And you?
10/31/2006
10/29/2006
hallo'ween
a trying weekend. not sure if it is the time zone change or just everything else.
Don't answer that--I know it is everything else.
There has to be something more than this for me.
on a positive note:
THE INFORMATION is a great album.
And how are you?
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