"Behind Blue Eyes" cover w The Chieftans , Roger Daltrey and Nanci Griffith

A different take on the old classic Behind Blue Eyes

As per usual, the nightmares were intense last night. This one was a bit zombie apocalyptic in nature.The colors were the trappings of an oil painting-- dark greens, mustard golds and blood reds.

My former dept. chair (and friend !) was trying to kill me because I was leaking a story about a student she murdered (he was also trying to kill me) that she and her news staff (along with her husband) framed ( I know, dreams make no sense to anyone else but the dreamer, so why even try to explain?). His death was grotesque and indescrible, and in the end he hung from the ceiling until she cut his bloody body down.

After that saga, we were all in a car together trying to escape what appeared to be zombies or wolves. My girl was in the car with us, and we were splattered with some sort of acid wash. She lost all of her skin (her face green and skeletal) and died in my arms.

I survived somehow but my friend thought I was dead and wanted to cut up my body and stowe it away--and then pin the blame of the student's death on me. As the saw came closer to my face and lifeless body she saw my blue eyes blink and knew I was still alive.

Then I woke up.

I didn't go back to sleep after that-- must have been around 2:30 AM.

Adding to this post as I am heading for home. I prepared myself for the ride home by downing 2 mimosas and took an anxiety med. I'll put my airbuds in and try to think of better things on the 5-plus drive home.

self-medication isn't the best option but it's the only one that will work today.

Wish me luck...

"How to Fight Loneliness Wilco

This song soothes--especially lately. I have spent the last two and a half weeks alone or just sitting with myself. Between the movie set hours and now the event I have had to sit with my thoughts. I've been pretty down, actually.

Smile all the time.. Show your teeth to meaningless/sharpen them with lies..

Thanks, Jeff, for putting my feelings into music and lyrics. I think I am feeling some mild depression. There is a song by a favorite artist, HEM that popped into my head just now: "The pills stopped working." It's a bit too upbeat for my mood right now, so Jeff will have to do.

Guess that's where I am right now. Laugh at every joke/ fill your heart with smoke

Maybe it's the FOMO going back to school thing. Maybe it's the friction I feel with my girl. Maybe it's the saddness I feel about not fitting in anywhere. The mundane. The banal.

On Friday an aquaintance mentioned a student of mine that passed away just after our student trip to NYC and I broke down. That might have been the first time I let that show. Two years later and it finally came out.

At this conference I observe that the person who talks the loudest is the one who gets heard. I am asked a question and before I can reply, the person who asked it continues talking. Because she honestly does not care what I have to say. And when she opens her mouth, I stop listening.

And I stop talking. I go out on my own. Thanks for taking into consideration someone else's dietary needs when deciding where to eat dinner.

"Thai? What is that? Do they have steak and fries? I don't eat anything green." Ugh. Get me the hell out of here.

I'll be okay--just struggling a bit right now. It will be nice to get back into some kind of routine. I will post another song from HEM here. It's been a long time...take a listen, won't you?

"He Came to Meet Me"

"At This Point in My Life" Tracy Chapman

I'm up in Grand Rapids and I remember the photos that a friend posted about this place in December. So beautiful here. This hotel, the vibe... I see why so many people want to move this direction.

Still, I am a summer girl, so the cold winters would break me. I couldn't weather it.

These work trips remind me (too late) of the noise and incessant chatter that so many people live day-in-day-out. The small talk, the trival mindless blither over meaningful spoken words. I come back to my room exhausted but not inspired from these mundane exchanges. I come off as standoffish-- but I am instead protecting myself from the mindless tripe that the people I work with spew.

Unspoken words weigh the heaviest on the heart. And I feel that every day.

The past two days I found myself in a loop of invisiblity. We pass a castle-like building and the most VOCAL unread, untraveled and unaware asks, "what is that building?" And I say, "It looks like the Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany. I've been there. "

But those words seem to be unheard by everyone in the car as the conversation moves on to, " I don't know; it looks like some kind of castle." She says, " I did 37 years of thinking; I 'm done>" Yet she leads the idiot conversation of trivial stupidty .. I miss having intelligent or at least interesting conversations about music, travel, books --anything but being schooled by a talking head that a pickleball paddle is not a racquet and it's not like tennis...

I fucking kid you not, This happened at least 3 times on the 5 hour drive up.

I feel I am working with folks who are totally on a surface level mindset. I am stuck on the set of some b-movie ( wait! that was last week!) that has no substance and I cannot escape. And I hate it. I felt this way last week too. Where are all the interesting people??

Only once did I meet someone who broke the barrier and actually talked about meaningful things. And it's not the same anymore. It is now trival bullshit.

I forget how surface level and unaware so many people are. It is painful.

I want to write about the rift I am having with my girl but it's too much for tonight. The distance between us is growing; her somehow disgust of me is obvious with every dismissive, boundary setting and cold text exchange and I am leveled to my core. One of th few people whom I thought could stand the test has become my biggest critic and avoidant.

It's just another reminder to not invest your heart in anyone--not even kin. Because in the end

They, too ,will break your heart. And there goes another one.