cancun meets walden pond

"Direct your sight inward, and you'll find
A thousand regions in your mind
yet undiscovered. Travel them, and be
Expert in home-cosmography."
-HDT

Looking forward to discovering the Mayan Ruins of the Yucatan-Mexico's finest-- this weekend. I will also be searching for buried treasure in the alcoves and looking to join a band of pirates.

Diet will consist of local fare, nothing but fruit and fish.
The Shangri-La Caribe is a bit more touristy than my original plan but at least my Cabana will be right on the water's edge.

No expectations but I expect that anything will be more exciting than this, my so-called-life.
Be home soon.

a different kind of blue

nothing like the sun

I have lost track of the days, the hours, the months...and wonder what it is going to take to revive me--to bring me back to reality.

The nurse is patting my face gently, "Wake up. are you awake?" she asks sweetly.
As I come to, I wonder if she ever thinks in the back of her mind,
"What if they don't? What if they never wake again?"
I decide not to be her first and allow myself to come back to full consciousness.

Flipping through my old friend Shakespeare tonight, I found several dried flowers pressed in the pages from a few year's past. The petals bruised and stained the pages of my favorite sonnets-- I opened to #130...
...I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go,
My mistress, when she walks, tread on the ground.
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she beliede with false compare.

"wrapped up in books"

Booking my flight today was liberating. And the remote, sunny beach will be so much better than this incessant grey-gloomy bullshit. Four more days and I'll board that plane. Check this out: http://www.mexicoholiday.com/destinations/kailuum-facts.html let me know if you are interested in joining me! Talk about romantic--showing up at my hut with nothing more than a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Come to me, baby!

Crucible has been on my mind. I took that play on like a lover. It inspired me. I knew it intimately--every line, every character, every pause-- Will my ideas be distorted or were they abandoned? It doesn't matter. But fuck, it hurts. It fucking hurts.

A great little tune that has been growing on me for some time now.
From the 2003 Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Belle And Sebastian - Wrapped Up In Books

It was pretty bright upon the rainbow bridge tonight
I could see into your window although you're far away
You were racing in a car beside a boy you just don't know
If he is up for what you have in mind
If he is up for what you have in mind
Change is on the cards but this time it will be hard
I never want to leave you we've never had a fight
You should never split a book you should never split at all
I wish I had to, as I could follow
I write the ending without any sorrow
I will say a prayer just while you are sitting there
And I will wrap my arms around you cause I know it will be fine
We've got a fantasy affair, we didn't get wet, we didn't dare
Our aspirations, are wrapped up in books
Our inclinations, are hidden in looks
Summers hastening on, trying to get a feeling from the city
But I've been unfaithful, I've been traveling abroad
We've got a fantasy affair, we didn't get wet, we didn't dare
But the fantasy remains, you better come back to love again
Our aspirations, wrapped up in books
Our inclinations, hidden in looks

resistance

I have tried to put my thoughts down here for a good 15 minutes but nothing seems to sound right. The sun is up but I am a little down. Here’s to hoping I can make it through Sunday.
Thanks big C for letting me scan a few recent photos ( scroll down…)

It doesn't help when you receive cards from coworkers that say, "I know that you must be suffering unhealthily..." What in the hell does THAT mean?

(I was thinking some things here..angry thoughts... I guess anger is an emotion. better than apathy, right?) and I don't have to work at being witty--I just am.

I recommend: "Love and Death" --a great woody allen film.
On tonight's bill? "Saved", "Saddest Music in the World" and (ahem) "Dodgeball".

seany boy

People are funny. Why are we so afraid of what we don't understand? We are so afraid to take risks, to be vulnerable, to express how we really feel. And finally, when the time is right, it is too late. Those people are gone. The only thing left is regret.
Here's to no regrets....
***
Had dinner with two of my heroes tonight. Our annimated conversation was energizing. We all opted for dessert, something I rarely do, and the discussion turned to comparing relationships to homemade pie--each one is a little different. We talked of savoring each bite, knowing that after the last bite it would be gone forever.
"But if the restaurant has a recipe, shouldn't it taste the same?" I asked.
The young friend to my right thought about it, "No. Nope. Besides Rad-e-mac," she sighed raising her cheesecake laden fork, "it's time for you to try out a new restaurant."
Huh. Good, honest advice from a 17 year-old.
***
It's funny we all find out we die
supposedly our souls head for the sky

But I'll proove to me and not them
I'll find a place inside the wind
Seany boy, better get yerself in school.

People who know so much about this life
they love to stab and jab you with that knife
but the knive's too short to penetrate
'cause my mind's too small to calculate
Seany boy, better get yourself in school.

"losing end of distance"

A strange day of strange happenstance. The powers of the universe awoke from some hibernating sleep—They stretched and yawned. But I’ve been wide awake. I was not dreaming.

Each interaction today was like a scene from Pocahontas when the Mother Willow lifted her branches and told the young girl to ‘listen to the wind and she would understand’. Spinning and spinning. No, this was not a Disney day. Definitely not. Too coincidental. And just as in my dreams when I wake seconds before I die, I at last understand, just for a moment. But then there is the next moment to comprehend…and the next….

Found a new album at the library Sunday from the good old days-- Seventeen a live acoustic show by Sean Kelly and Tom Askin of The Samples, I can’t seem to put it down today. Songs like “seventeen”, “Indiana”, ”When the day is done” and “Seany Boy” . Hell, they are all great. Here are just a few lyrics from one tune:

“losing end of distance” lyrics and music by Sean Kelly

I’ve been on the losing end of distance
A little too far to be close
On every corner I’ll be looking
Wiping my tears away

I’ve been looking everywhere for you
I’ve been looking everywhere for you
Nevermind the streetlights
Or every shadows shaped like you
Every call keeps me running to the phone
Operator, tell me how to get this off of me

I’ve been looking everywhere for you
I’ve been looking everywhere for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
Never holding on
Never holding on too tight…

Purple rose that wilts away
Leaving me behind
Because my love was there to stay
It’s up for you to find…

No school tomorrow. I have not set my alarm clock in weeks. Yay.

just a hair shy of amazing...

but not quite.

ask me about:
the colour of my eyes in aquamarine hottubs
wolf cave
sleep comas
crystal singing bowls
drinking beer and bowling with former students
the new belle and sebastian album
Lilly's concerned look, hands palms out and tiny voice asking me if I am "ok"
whether to work or not to work....

auld lang syne

what everyone needs this new year's eve

I considered giving my two cent's worth on the NYE hub-bub but decided it wouldn't matter. I guess I have hit the point in life where standing around getting drunk and waiting for the anti-climax of midnight to strike...well, it just doesn't do it for me. I would prefer to spend the evening quietly with someone special. Aww fuck.

Just not up to yoga tonight--so think I'll sit in the tub and go to bed.

Maybe I'll wake up and this will all have just been a really really bad dream.

red polka-dot

Last night while I was making dinner I stopped to listen. Usually when there is no noise and a 20-month old around it spells trouble. First matches ("playing with matches" was the theme title of my Christmas card pictures of Lilly this year-thanks Beck, for pointing out that if I sent that one to the wrong people I would never see her again..)now what?

So I looked in her usual places--and found her in the bedroom playing with my underwear. Panties were ascue everywhere-- she laughed as I stooped to pick them up and noticed she had carefully tucked my favorite lilac pair into her travel bag.
At least someone gets to admire my undies these days.

mayfly

I love this song.
same with "the boy done wrong again" come on, sing a long. make me happy now.
life is good tonight. and the candles burn brightly. and if you'd only sing along I would be happier. We are having music wars here at the place. I turn mine up, he counters, and she does likewise. I am surprised we don't all kill each other. God, his music sucks.
You listenin? Cause I am laughing right now.

Belle And Sebastian - Mayfly Lyrics

Lovesick on a sunny afternoon
You are tired of staying in
You are waiting for the time
Mayfly, woken up when skys are clear
I don't mind you coming near
Keep me company till she comes again
You are the one who's privy to
I am the one who's making do
Because you saw him in the park
Because you saw him at the bridges with the people in the park

Cana was the start of something big
You were there in the beginning
You were there to see him play
Mayfly, woken up when sky's are blue
I don't mind the sight of you
Keep me company till she comes around
You are the one who's privy to
I am the one who's making do
Because you saw him at the celebrations standing at the side
He had the moves to save the day
But you would love him anyway

Lovesick, it came back upon yourself
You are the girl left on the shelf
You are incapable of playing the fool
Longing?o what's different today?
You sent the boys and girls away
You are concerned with matters lofty
But puzzled so it makes you sick
Your diary's looking like a bible with it's verses lost in time
And lost in meaning for the people who surround you
It's a crying shame
You know it's a crying shame

my modern day woody allen--where are you?

I don't know which is better--the opening scene to Allen's Manhattan or the closing scene to Breakfast at Tiffany's. Just finished watching both. Woody Allen makes me laugh. Audrey Hep makes me think there is hope.
( Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to eachother, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.")
I swear, there is nothing better than a man who can make me laugh. It's all in the timing. And if someone has good comic timing, well, you know what that means...
Actually, I take that back. Timing depends on both parties to work. It's either there or it isn't.

Alas, being a hopeful romantic can be problematic. But love is love is love--no matter the season for me.
So, What is next? Three Coins in the Fountain a movie about three American Girls travelling in Rome, each tossing a coin into the beautiful fountain of Trevi. The legend is that if you make a wish when you throw the coin into the fountain your wish will be granted. I am sure Rome is beautiful in January..

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressibe comfort, of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words.
But pour them all out, just as they are chaff and grain together,
knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them what is worth keeping,
And then, with the breath of kindness, blow them away."
-George Eliot

Here's to finding humor, timing and love--
but most of all, love.

Goodnight, sweet love.I wish on the moon for you and again say "Goodnight."

"I’ve Lost Track of the World"

Holiday specials:
*My oldest and dearest friend called me up and before even saying hello, she said, "o.k. spill it sister...new address, new phone number, what in the hell is going on? I want details. NOW."
The last time we spoke was over 2 years ago.
Damn, I love real people. Happy 35 to you too, Erin.

*Feeling victorious at winning the battle over the snowdrifts, I drove into town to check out how my new car handled unplowed streets-- only to find our county was under a snow emergency. I watched some kids drive their crappy car THROUGH a mile high snowbank and then proceeded to spin out into the unpaved Kroger parking lot. They were laughing their asses off--probably more at me and my stunned expression than anything else. Ahh youth, glorious youth.

*My daughter's inability to comprehend the whole gift-giving scene. She wanted kisses, not presents. We left half of them unopened--and using the small trunk for an excuse, left most of them at grandma's house. My parting sentiments were, "I just don't have room for all of this stuff. And if dad tries to but that box in view of my back window and I have an accident..." Driving home I called and apologized. Just spending a few hours with them turns me back into the silent but raging beast of my youth. It's more fun watching my sisters quibble for mom's attention anyway.

* Watching old episodes of Benny Hill after a few drinks. Fun for the whole fucking family.

*THIS MOVIE. What a hoot.