St. Patrick's Day thoughts

Thursday morning, March 20: My first morning: blank pages: a blank page. Tired still, but warm and comfortable. Resolved not to go out: outside the slithering soggy sound of cars speeding through wet. Snow falling when I woke: black varnishing slick roads, but hanging to tree and roof top in idea of the icy shackles.---journals of Sylvia Plath

I'm still in bed--watching the cars pass by on highway 37. The sun is reflecting off the cars that remain in the lot-frost still on the tops of them. Birds are chirping outside--probably enjoying my newly planted seeds. Read on for more.
It is after 9am. Part of the reason I am still in bed is that I can be. Other reason is that I have been working out hard and then putting in 7 hours on the set--so I cannot move today. I hate the bed when it gets too warm in one place. I have to move to the cold, untouched side of the bed. I will make a terrible invalid.

The week has been interesting. I just finished watching a film called Wilbur (wants to kill himself) and started What the (bleep) do we know?
As I mentioned, I've been working on the show--both on set and director stuff. Have been reading Sylvia Plath's journals and letters home. Today I have three letters of recommendation to write, will paint some more and then over to Irish Lion for a Guiness.

Telepathy

I have been troubled by a heated, one-sided conversation I had with my sister the other night. It angers me when people criticize others about their situation or suggest that they are "spinning their wheels" when if they would only stop and look at their own choices (or lackthereof) they would shut their mouths and not give unwanted advice. I also know that she talks daily with my parents, and so this is the message from mom and dad. This is the way my family communicates. Channeling, Assumptions and Telepathy.
I stopped talking to everyone because when the story comes back to me it's worse than four-year-olds playing the telephone game.


Krogering

I ran into a couple from the old life on Tuesday. Most of the time people are pretty kind and just look at me, politely say hello and move on. What they talk about later is their own business. But this was a strange encounter. I was so bothered by it that I had to stand and stare at the beans and rice for a minute or two until they passed. Unfortunately, we met again at the check-out. I am the same person, folks. I am a cool, fun-loving, thrill-seeking introvert who has had some bad times. I am not a freak--don't look at me like I am.

Planting Seeds for Spring

For Lilly's birhtday I decided last year that I would buy her a perennial to plant each year. That way, we could talk about the flowers from previous years and she would have a nice garden to tend as she gets older(or I'll tend). For her easter basket, I bought books and seeds. Oh yeah, and peeps. Every kid has to experience Peeps.
So we planted the seeds outside my apartment on Tuesday: alissum, zinneas, cosmos and marigolds. Lilly was more interested in digging up worms than planting seeds, but hopefully she'll like the flowers that bloom in May.

Apartment Living
ONe thing I have started to do while living in this apartment is notice the cars in the lot. Lately there have been cars that I have never seen before. I try to figure out who has moved in, who is visiting, who has a new girlfriend. The Red 4-Runner that parks in the handicapped spot for convenience, the black sedan with front European license plate who backs in to the space, the black Chevy pick-up truck..who are these people?
Ahh, transient living. We come and we go.

Nosey Janitors
As I was working on building, Tom the maintenance guy came by to "check on me". I assume he was the one voulnteered to get the latest on my marital status and bring it back to the boys in office. Men are such dogs. Somehow it came out that I am a vegetarian and that I don't have a t.v. He stood there puzzled, holding my hammer and said, "You don't have a t.v. and you don't eat meat? What the hell do you do all day?"

These are my thoughts today. A round of Green Beer on me.

spring break cont.

Monday.
"...a vivified awakening after 10 hours of sleep and the queer dark and white empty campus at nine, not a soul, not a car- a nightmare sequence preparing, the class building unlit." Friday, March 14, journals of Sylvia Plath

I woke again in a panic at 7:10. I cried out in my sleep last night-- something that always scares me. I woke not knowing what frightened me so--I just knew something was there, floating in my mind, causing me to scream, clutching my covers over my head, waiting for my breathing to calm.

I mentioned that spring is a very hard time for me. I think it can be more difficult than enduring the fall. So, in like a lamb and out like a lion? At least it isn't a demon, or could it be?
Another point of concern for me: I keep befriending folks who have no interest in me or what I have to give to them or to the world. It hardens the heart. At least the behavior is predictible--the silent treatment and disappearing act. Alas--another sad goodbye.

MORE ON TODAY (after noon):
I am sitting in a new favorite restaurant (Roots) drinking a Bells Amber and enjoying an amazing bowl of butternut squash and cornbread. Outstanding.
It has been a fine day today. It is sunny and warm lots of people out and about it has been lovely.

This weekend gave me an opportunity to catch up with my oldest friend. Sad to say she has had a rough go at it and still isn't happy, but has settled on the life she has. I hope that never happens to me.

I was working out today and since I am between books opted for Rolling Stone. There was a quote from Green Day that read, "It's sexy to be an angry young man, not a bitter old bastard." It had me laughing outloud-maybe because I know several bitter old bastards these days.

ciao--

spring break top 10 list

1. Meeting nora o'connor and enjoying her music live.
2. Tri-training. Especially swimming for miles and miles.
3. Snow. Amazing snow.
4. Sleeping in until 9:30. Guilt-free reading in bed.
5. Enjoying another's company--even though we had nothing--absolutely nothing-- in common.
6. Movies at Bear's Place.
7. Yellow daisies.
8. Having a drink before noon on a Tuesday.
9. Morning skies.
10. Someone wrote "love is everywhere" on a trashcan outside the MCPL. Beautiful.

Just watched THE GOOD GIRL with Jennifer Aniston, Jake Gyllenhaal and John C. Reilly and although there were parts that were ridiculous, I could relate. And sheeuut, Jake Gyllenhaal has the most amazing eyes I have ever seen...hold me back, whoa.


Next, BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER..good stuff.
Looking for one of the songs--I think it's called "glass vase cello case" by tattle tale?



Here's to hoping you are safe--and happy this week.

wrong place, right time

Happy Hour.
A blanket invitation to celebrate the beginning of a vacation is usually a definite no when it comes to rsvping--or attending. But after an exhausting, lonely week and evening rehearsal with nothing else planned until later, I figured, what the hell. There must be someone in attendance to hang with.
Wrong.
I show up and am the only one not wearing a sweater vest, ball cap or the school colors. Great.
So I sit down and order my usual, thinking I would be much better off drinking alone, as I usually do. I feign interest in topics discussed, make cell calls to family and friend hoping they pick up so I can excuse myself--to no avail. I make smalltalk while I order a double, and settle up quickly.

On the way home, I receive a warning of the old man's heart throb from years past, who will be staying in our house over the weekend. I could have predicted that three year's ago. And although I am not surprised--he continues to discuss inviting my parents over for the family Easter Egg Hunt--and oh, yeah, I can come too. I disconnect feeling angry and miserable--like losing everything in a crap shoot--and all I want is my girl. Just let me hold my girl.

feliz cumpleaños to my Spanish Scholar

Happy Birthday, D.C. freak.

Just heard a few great tunes--Louis Armstrong with Oscar Peterson recording an amazing rendition of "You Go To My Head" also Harry Connick, Jr. doing "I Only Have Eyes for You". The dj always plays my requests--thanks, Mr. DJ.

The old grind has been wearing me down. The last few weeks have felt like being stranded out in the middle of the ocean, sun beating down with no sign of rescue. The days have been long and grueling; makes it hard to know why I get up--nothing to look forward to but the day's end-and sleep, ahh, the glorious escape of sleep. But the dreams are mirror images of the day-to-day fight, only more graphic and unforgiving.

I must admit, old Blogger, that there have been moments where I certainly questioned my existence. I just have to believe there is more to life than this loveless, meaningless habitrail....

But someone opened a window today. And for a fleeting moment The Sun shown down on me.
I thank him for that.

grey to clear...

My, my will you look at the time?
Wasted, all these years gone by
and I can't even talk to you, don't even try.
Ooh, well.
Down here it says you left, and I'm
waiting for the grey to clear,
I don't know what I'm runnin' on but
sometime ago our hope was gone down here.
What I wouldn't give for real love.
What I wouldn't give for that-- piece of mind--
down here.

Down here I'm leavin' the light on,
Well, I guess I could be wrong
down here.

I know, I tend to get down,
Can't even feel when it's comin' around,
but I sure could use some kind of hope about now
ooh, well.

Down here it says you left and I'm
waiting for the grey to clear
I don't know what I've been runnin' on
but sometime ago our hope was gone
down here.

What I wouldn't give for real love
What I wouldn't give for that piece of mind
down here.

mornings at 7

1. This postcard.
2. Colbalt blue background with 1/2 moonglow, clock face shining through sample gates
and pristine cross atop church on 4th street.
3. Warm clothes on a cold day.
4. Arcade Fire's # 4, 8, and 9.
5. Waking up sore from a good workout.
6. Silence
7. Making all the lights on 2nd Street.
8. The sound of snow crunching under my feet.
9. A FREE night--well, after 7
10. The possibility of this day.

15 random sunday thoughts

Lilly is taking a nap, so I thought I would pussy-foot around and do some monologue-ing.
My camera is in the shop. Well, it is ready to be claimed, but I don't have $250 bucks to unclaim it--which is a bad thing, because my daughter asleep on my bed is so beautiful. I love listening to her breathing--rise and fall--rise and fall.

...and the weekend contines to be great, especially now that she is with me.
so, randome (the french spelling) thoughts and questions:

1. I love to use words like "pussyfooting" and "fiddle-e-dicking" It gets people's attention.
2. 9 times out of 10, Sundays are overcast, cloudy or rainy. Today's forecast: overcast.
3. I want to be a mermaid when I grow up.
4. My laugh is funny. It usually makes everyone else laugh, too.
5. How long must one wait for love to come back after you have set it free?
6. The people who live above me are LOUD. Last night they did laundry at 349am.
7. Men with no hair are sexy.
8. I collect postcards
9. I like twangy instruments and the people who play them.
10. I have a green thumb and forefinger.
11. If you can list 108 positive things about someone you are having trouble with and meditate on them, the person will feel the positive energy and come back around.
12. I hate burning bridges--but I like setting fires.
13. Do you prefer Atlantic or Pacific side? I like Atlantic. It feels more masculine.
14. Who is emo anyway?
15. Lilly said 'pickle' today.

"Now Sleeps"

Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white;
Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk;
Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font:
The fire-fly wakens: waken thou with me.

Now droops the milkwhite peacock like a ghost,
And like a ghost she glimmers on to me.
Now lies the Earth all Danaë to the stars,
And all thy heart lies open unto me.

Now slides the silent meteor on, and leaves
A shining furrow, as thy thoughts in me.

-Alfred Lord T.

A wonderful weekend! One of the best I can remember having in months. And just concluded the elegant period piece Vanity Fair --returned from Motorcycle Diaries, and talks with a good companion and closed out the day with The Yes Men. I am feeling fine.

Nora O'Connor's Till' the Dawn is a delight-- and makes me all the more excited to meet her (and hopefully Andrew Bird) in a few weeks.

Saw some old friends at Tro-Ho, and had good conversation with with new ones, which proves that truth and reality do outlive lies and hypocricy.

my weekend paradox

Well, the weekend is again upon us. I struggle with weekends.
It is either the heavy feeling of gloomy hours spent alone or the overwhelming duty of having Lilly 24-7.

I pass through the hallways of work, looking into the faces of my co-workers--most of them uninspired, ruddy, tired. I say to myself, why if unattached don't they aspire to do other things? Things that make them happy? Perhaps the misery is a type of familiar comfort to them, like co-dependence. I don't know. If I had no strings-- I would be gone from here.

I search for the light in people. Strange when you look at someone what reads..flat affect often times is what I see. Like someone took a wet, muddy rag and wiped it all over their faces.
I wonder what reads from me.
It was always my hope that it would be something like Flaming Lip's "What is the Light"
I suppose that only reads when one is in love.

so Motorcycle Diaries or Constantine tonight.. and after that.. well,

nora and gene

I was driving home from dropping my daughter off and happened to hear the final score of the IU-Purdue game. IU won. Gene's last time playing Assembly Hall. Good for him--move on, my good man, move on.
So I got the latest from Bloodshot Records and was thrilled to see Nora O'Connor playing at Second Story in about 2 weeks. She did some work with Andrew Bird (whom I love--even if he is a freak) and also New Pornographers. Looking forward to her solo show March 10.

Just picked up Arcade Fire's Funeral and O'Connor's Till the Dawn on CD. Wanted to get Beck's new one-but HELL, NO, no cash.
See, I can still be funny.
I think everyone thinks I am a freak. Shit...

Lilly was funny tonight. She is becoming a little lady-person, I swear.
We have been discussing the potty. She understands the concept but enjoys "being a baby" and doesn't want to give up the ease of pissing in the diaper. So as I prepared our bath water, my back was turned to her. We were discussing the same and I heard this "pissssssss" sound.
"You just went potty on the floor," I said to her, "what were were we just talking about?"
She shifted her weight from one leg to the other,
"Um...um..." she said, obviously embarassed by the pool of urine below her.
"Hey, it's ok, " wrapping my arms around her naked body,
"Mommy loves you--now, next time let's try to go in the potty."
Enthusiastically, she hugged, "ok.."
"ok."
Man, I love her.

The musical is kicking my ass. Apples and Oranges? NO.
Try apples and PORCUPINES. Fuckin insanity!

But "It's all good...."

american splendor

Saw this movie again. I guess it feels like my life.
Another rainy Sunday. I'll finish up here and be free...

I'm thinking we must just keep missing each other.
Either I'm too early or you are too late. I see my life weave its patterns
and how many of ours seem to cross

So one of these days I'll stumble and drop what I am carrying
and lose my timing long enough
to meet you.