I could never choose the ones to love
And the ones who took the credit left me reelin'
But I owe much to the nameless
Those who're singin' my life back to me
I see you in the future, skippin' time
While the eyes of all the faithful rest in peace
Yet tonight I see the highway
And someone singin' my life back to me
-Neko Case fm. Furnace Room Lullaby (2000)
I have been contemplating the idea of the cruel coin of love for several days now.
And these are the only things I know to be true:
1. To love means to suffer.
2. To love means to be vulnerable.
3. To love, one must take risks and sacrifice.
4. To know love means to let go.
5. To love means to accept and embrace another fully.
6. Love does not come unless the heart is receptive to love.
7. We attract the very traits in someone else that we see in ourselves.
8. I have loved fully and deeply and lost.
9. Many will never know love--they are both blessed and cursed.
I have spent the last two years trying to understand the coin concept and have concluded that there is no answer that pacifies.
I have shown my soul to a few and we have seen each other clearly, beautifully.
For that I am eternally grateful.
Last thoughts that are playing on the cd player as I write this:
what she saw in him
nobody knew
it's a mystery
what she saw in him
nobody could tell
now it's history
all is forgivin'
i love her still
and we're home, home
goin' home -Luna fm Bewitched
Ciao.
8/19/2005
8/17/2005
i had to get drunk just to look at your face--and that's all right by me.
It's 1:20pm on a Wednesday.
I slept until 10am ( a rarity/luxury) and as I stood up from the bed, blood gushed from between my legs. Confused and terrified, I struggled to the john and blotted the dark black blood as it continued to ooze from below. Feeling faint, I manuvered myself into the bath and ran the hot water on my lower limbs and orifices. I started to cry.
****
I had heard that someone from my therapy group leaked the untellable to the person it would hurt the most. His bitterness and anger with me on the phone, the obvious betrayal he felt just made it all more painful to revisit that time and those feelings again. I don't want to grieve any more. Her thoughtless, drunken conversation has now opened up another painful, agonizing wound that will take months to smooth over for everyone affected. Thus, also reminding me-- I will never love again.
My first time going to group and seeing her there, I knew it would be difficult to open up completely. The pact was made; we were sworn with words. And now, tonight when I go in there, it will take everything that I have not to rip her hair out. I am, once again, reminded why I will never trust, particularly women. I loathe women.
****
My parents came down yesterday for the first time since I moved in to the apartment. They only come to visit when I am rendered helpless and need assistance. To see their only grandchild means I must make the effort to drive to the old house of memories for their weekend fix and my weekend lecture.
But this time I needed money and food. After they left, I closed the blinds and slept until the evening. The sense of shame I feel is a shroud that weighs heavily.
***
Using the towel to dry myself, I thought back to a time early in my pregnancy when I had a bout with spotting. Still struggling with the concept of being a mother, I was conflicted with different emotions-- my first one was that I lost the baby, the second, but then I would not be pregnant anymore. I clung to the first, as at that moment in time I knew that I wanted to have a child.
Today I could only think that this freak accident was my body finally catching up with what I have been trying to purge for years now, in a beautiful display of color swirling down the drain.
I slept until 10am ( a rarity/luxury) and as I stood up from the bed, blood gushed from between my legs. Confused and terrified, I struggled to the john and blotted the dark black blood as it continued to ooze from below. Feeling faint, I manuvered myself into the bath and ran the hot water on my lower limbs and orifices. I started to cry.
****
I had heard that someone from my therapy group leaked the untellable to the person it would hurt the most. His bitterness and anger with me on the phone, the obvious betrayal he felt just made it all more painful to revisit that time and those feelings again. I don't want to grieve any more. Her thoughtless, drunken conversation has now opened up another painful, agonizing wound that will take months to smooth over for everyone affected. Thus, also reminding me-- I will never love again.
My first time going to group and seeing her there, I knew it would be difficult to open up completely. The pact was made; we were sworn with words. And now, tonight when I go in there, it will take everything that I have not to rip her hair out. I am, once again, reminded why I will never trust, particularly women. I loathe women.
****
My parents came down yesterday for the first time since I moved in to the apartment. They only come to visit when I am rendered helpless and need assistance. To see their only grandchild means I must make the effort to drive to the old house of memories for their weekend fix and my weekend lecture.
But this time I needed money and food. After they left, I closed the blinds and slept until the evening. The sense of shame I feel is a shroud that weighs heavily.
***
Using the towel to dry myself, I thought back to a time early in my pregnancy when I had a bout with spotting. Still struggling with the concept of being a mother, I was conflicted with different emotions-- my first one was that I lost the baby, the second, but then I would not be pregnant anymore. I clung to the first, as at that moment in time I knew that I wanted to have a child.
Today I could only think that this freak accident was my body finally catching up with what I have been trying to purge for years now, in a beautiful display of color swirling down the drain.
8/15/2005
the game of Life
When I was young, I loved to play the Game of Life.
You picked out your car by your favorite color, put the pink or blue person in the car and spun the wheel. Simple enough...
We used to cheat at the beginning, when spinning for professions: teacher, lawyer, doctor, to be sure you were the one who made the most money. Then you got married. When playing the game you knew where all the pitfalls were, what you needed to spin to land on the spaces that would mean more money, children, house, better insurance policies, etc.
It was all just a game, anyway. It didn't mean anything.
And then there was The Day of Reconnecing--where you had to give your kids to the poor farm, sell your stocks and bonds, and see who would move into the millionaire's quarters. We hardly ever made it that far in the game without a fight, but the times we did, it seemed so simple. I never understood the selling your kids part, after all, wasn't that a good part of living?
Now here I am, with the lowest paid job in the game, enormous loans to pay off, divorced with very little bonus or inheritance, about to lose my child and file for bankrupcy at age 35. I think they need to change the game to make it more realistic.
Back then Life was fun; now the last thing I want to be is-- Living the game of Life.
You picked out your car by your favorite color, put the pink or blue person in the car and spun the wheel. Simple enough...
We used to cheat at the beginning, when spinning for professions: teacher, lawyer, doctor, to be sure you were the one who made the most money. Then you got married. When playing the game you knew where all the pitfalls were, what you needed to spin to land on the spaces that would mean more money, children, house, better insurance policies, etc.
It was all just a game, anyway. It didn't mean anything.
And then there was The Day of Reconnecing--where you had to give your kids to the poor farm, sell your stocks and bonds, and see who would move into the millionaire's quarters. We hardly ever made it that far in the game without a fight, but the times we did, it seemed so simple. I never understood the selling your kids part, after all, wasn't that a good part of living?
Now here I am, with the lowest paid job in the game, enormous loans to pay off, divorced with very little bonus or inheritance, about to lose my child and file for bankrupcy at age 35. I think they need to change the game to make it more realistic.
Back then Life was fun; now the last thing I want to be is-- Living the game of Life.
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