look what I can do...

OK, brace yourself.
about me: if I get an idea in my head about changing something, I will do it. And sooner rather than later. I plan, I dream, I do the research and then--I make it happen.
So yeah, the bathroom floor. What a mess...

can you say an extra layer of vinyl under the first layer? Can you say the worst mildew smell EVER??





But check out the NEW and IMPROVED floor...
now to get that toilet back in place.

Happy New Year!

tinkerbell

birthday presents are soooo nice!
thanks Big C!

"just another day"

Every Day She Takes A Morning Bath She Wets Her Hair,
Wraps A Towel Around Her
As She's Heading For The Bedroom Chair,
It's Just Another Day.
Slipping Into Stockings,
Stepping Into Shoes,
Dipping In The Pocket Of Her Raincoat.
Ah, It's Just Another Day.
At The Office Where The Papers Grow She Takes A Break,
Drinks Another Coffee
And She Finds It Hard To Stay Awake,
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
Lt's Just Another Day.

So Sad, So Sad,
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.
Alone In Her Apartment She'd Dwell,
Till The Man Of Her Dreams Comes To Break The Spell.
Ah, Stay, Don't Stand Around
And He Comes And He Stays
But He Leaves The Next Day,
So Sad.
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.

As She Posts Another Letter To The Sound Of Five,
People Gather 'Round Her
And She Finds It Hard To Stay Alive,
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day. Du Du Du Du Du
It's Just Another Day.

"Title of the Song"

A colleague pointed this out to my department today totally making fun of Boy Bands. I couldnt get the links to work but just go here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc1Js9P3urw

read the lyrics: totally brilliant!

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

(Chorus)
Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation
CHORUS
Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...
CHORUS

"Title of the Song"

A colleague pointed this out to my department today totally making fun of Boy Bands. I couldnt get the links to work but just to here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc1Js9P3urw

read the lyrics: totally brilliant!

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

(Chorus)
Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation
CHORUS
Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...
CHORUS

28 days peace, love and understanding

Things I understand:
morning coffee
pleasure in a tough cardio workout
eating to live
solitude
the silence between blackout and curtain call
internal rollercoasters
boiling time for pasta (al dente)
the smell of winter
the ache of loneliness
vibrations of others
hard work and payoffs
discipline

Things I don't:
social climbers and gold diggers
the world of politics on all levels
insincerity
sports
the rights of privilege
trust
lechery
new year's eve
anything in excess
***

Lately my dreams have been vivid and extreme. Lots of snakes, ticks, bee stings and pants wetting. Fortunately no tornado dreams. Still I wonder what is going on with my subconscious mind. And my conscious one as well..
I don't know where I am going with this post.

I have been thinking about an old friend lately. I wonder how he is doing in Portland. I try to picture what he looks like now. Have not seen him in years. I don't miss him. I don't love him. Just on my mind. Hope he is well.

28 days are past and I feel fine. More than fine. Wishing you good karma.
***

This song seems to be especially on my mind lately.. you go Elvis
And as I walk on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry.
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

"magnetizing"

off of Minx by MARSMOBIL

you seem to be so lonely
you naughty girl
you never show your feelings
but who can tell?
let me see you smile again
step inside
you are the queen of every day
dont be blind
why don't you smile just one time?
stand beside me
knowing that love can heal you
how good it can be.

your magnetizing cosmic eyes
you're trying to hide
i waiting for this moment
that you arrive
why dont you smile just one time
stand beside me
knowing that love can heal you
how good it can be
***
looks good on paper but not so much in real life, eh?
Am feeling back to where I was in July before I fell off the planet and lost my balance. Glad to be back to even footing and emotional stability. I hate getting off track or distracted by stupidity or sparkly bling. So I lost a few months--'sokay I am making great gains now.

I was once told that you can learn something from everyone you meet. I guess there are acceptions. Still, my skin is--as Andrew B would say back to tough. The scars are healed and I am not going there again.

Thanksgiving was good. I didn't allow emotions to flood me with feeling. I remained calm, unmoved, detatched and safe. Still, I was able to relax, enjoy and appreciate those in my life who care about me.
This year I am most thankful for my daughter Lilly.

I am also thankful for my inspiring, fabulous, creative, complicated, beautiful, smarmy, savvy, flexible, tough, strong self.

touche!

Whenever

Whenever I need a friend,
It's you I come round to see again,
You know that I'll always be near,
You're flesh and blood and you're my memory,
Live on in my memory.

I send you nothing but love,
Just wait and see,
I send you nothing but love,
Just wait for me,
Wait and see,
Wait and see.

Great words, you know all the right words to say,
You don't always lean in my way,
You don't always mean what you say.

"Sweetness and Light"

I was getting ready this morning--the usual routine-
when Frankie played a Portastatic song that fit me perfectly.
I had the album but put it away last year, as it didn't seem to fit my current mood, situation, etc.
but now it does.... this song especially.

And after last night's discussion
I wanted to say thank you and as I turned out the light, was hoping that you were not put off by the rant...

Still I wonder, how much do I have to fight? How much do I just let happen?
Love is like musical chairs and I will be the one standing without the chair.
***

Oh look what just came rolling down this morning's face
some shining tears from sleepy eyes won't go to waste
I've got a lucite frame been filling up with rain
in red with one wax pencil we mark the time and date
I'm gonna turn this truck around
when we run out of space..

You say why can't you sing of hopeful things
and skies that go from gray to blue
I know my voice is like a broken saw
I know my voice is like a tightening screw
If I could write a song of sweetness and light for you
oh honey that's just the first thing I would do.

There is a temperature where even we must take the armor off
a point at which the carapace can just dissolve
and while the water rises cool and clear around your knees
we'll watch while clouds that covered us are broken by the breeze.

You say why can't you sing of hopeful things
and skies that go from gray to blue
I know my voice is like a broken saw
I know my voice is like a tightening screw
If I could write a song of sweetness and light for you
oh honey that's just the first thing I would do

***

mind over matter

(with special permission by OJ, november 8)

It's true. That's really all it is.
I can achieve anything I want with mind over matter.
Powerful feeling--and knowing you can do it makes it even easier and scarier! It is especially true with physical challenges for me: natural childbirth, tri-athalons, power workouts. I love to push my body beyond its physical limits. It's really all about mind-power. Control, sweet control.

Besides learning Chess (played and lost a few times now.) I have decided to tryout for the Roller Derby Girls with Bleeding Heartland here in town. I had not been on skates for, gosh, it has been since 7th grade when I couple skated backwards with my first boyfriend, Doug Emmonds to "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
So, I went to open skate Thursday with a few pals and guess what?
I was fast. I was good. And I wiped out HARD.
It didn't take long to remember how much I enjoyed skaing. And now on to strategy...
Can I handle getting taken down, punched in the face and decked in the shins? I think I have enough aggression lying dormant to blow the whole damn town to hell.
Nothing is gonna stop me from making the team. Well, unless I decide I don't want to do it.

Mind over matter. So you can call me Rad Rage. I think that will be my new name.

how's the coffee, lovah?
-RAD RAGE

nature's way

who knows where the time goes

Across the evening sky, all the birds are leaving
But how can they know it's time for them to go?
Before the winter fire, I will still be dreaming
I have no thought of time

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
Sad, deserted shore, your fickle friends are leaving
Ah, but then you know it's time for them to go
But I will still be here, I have no thought of leaving
I do not count the time

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?
And I am not alone while my love is near me
I know it will be so until it's time to go
So come the storms of winter and then the birds in spring again
I have no fear of time

For who knows how my love grows?
And who knows where the time goes?



A few things I have been thinking about lately:
*It takes 28 days to kick a habit. I think this is day 20.
*Friends are such an incredible resource.
*Forgiveness is one of the most selfless acts that humans can do for each other.
-thank you for forgiving me.
*It has been the latest, longest and most beautiful fall in Indiana to date.
* bLEEDING HEARTLAND ROLLER GIRLS--SIGN ME UP!

"fountain of sorrow" jackson brown saves the day-again

Looking through some photographs I found inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
There were one or two I know that you would have liked a little more
But they didn't show your spirit quite as true
You were turning 'round to see who was behind you
And I took your childish laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes
Now the things that I remember seem so distant and so small
Though it hasn't really been that long a time
What I was seeing wasn't what was happening at all
Although for a while, our path did seem to climb
But when you see through love's illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes, but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight

Now for you and me it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it's seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
There's this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to struggle, you've had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight
You could be laughing at me, you've got the right
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright

new traditon & GIVE ME MY MOJO BACK!

There is nothing like starting new traditions to replace old, or sad memories. I started one with a friend last night. His suggestion:
Hey! Let's get pedicures....
AND drink champagne at the same time! OKAY!





The studio was a flutter with us in there sipping bubbly and eating snackies. He got COLTS blue with a french manicure WHITE. I love people who get me outta the funk.
****

If you know me, you know that I am not a sports fan. Never have been. I think my home team played in the superbowl last year.
Someone even told me they won.


But this year--I am paying attention. And I want them to win.
Now, if you know me WELL you ALSO know I am one of the most competitive people on the planet. To a fault. So, in my classes Friday, instead of 30 seconds of silence, we had 30 SECONDS TO MEDITATE ON HOW THE COLTS ARE GOING TO KICK NE PATS BUTT.
The kids were shocked. My theatre students put off--
but they did it to humor me. I LOVE my kids. They would kill for me.
*****
Today I start learning how to play chess. I have a lesson on Tuesday. Can't wait!

GOT GAME?

crappy corporate coffee

there are so many song lyrics that have been written about how i feel IN THE MOMENT that is now. and funny, how i always see it coming but still when the words come they hit me the same way every time.

i thought of this last night as i watched each hour pass-- and between puking and crying and rocking my daughter back to sleep i was so glad for morning to finally arrive.

****
today would have been my 11th anniversary. happy anniversary dan.

ah lifelifelife. the study of life biology!! lovely fucking life.
dan majored in biology. he did his final thesis in the state forests of Indiana studying the mating patterns of --you guessed it--birds. he loved loons especially and one year we went "decadant" camping up in the boundary waters we spent the sunsets in canoes in the tall reeds on the beautiful, sometimes shallow lakes following the loons for hours. he even had a few cds of loon calls that he would play on the 13 hour drive up. people are funny, you know?

biology and medicine. science and medicine.
i was never good at those--life or chemistry especially.

I pulled my card last night: TLAZOLTEOTL

She is a Toltec earth mother, the goddess of carnal love and desire. Like Kali in India, she is portrayed as a horrible devouring figure yet is also honored as a moving, creative principle.
She is sometimes pictured as four sisters (the four ages of women) who are present at the crossroads of one's life. Once in a lifetime, a person confessed her worst deeds and sins to Tlazolteotl, holding back nothing. In return the confessor received absolution: no impurity or defilement was too great to be forgiven.
Tlazolteotl is that deep part of ourselves that we fear because it is so powerful and unfamiliar. Yet when we touch her through her fearsome countenance, we find absolute mercy.
She isproof that anything that can overwhelm and destroy us also has the power to heal and grant forgiveness.
******

sigh.
so, I bury myself again. why did I even allow myself to go there?
oh....and definitely NEVER to Starbucks.

Enjoy the silence.
Ciao.

Happy Hall-o-ween

Took a walk alone last night
Slept inside your head
It was raining hard again,
crawled back into bed
Tried to catch up to you
But you moved too fast
Thought about a million things
Fell asleep at last
Got up again last night
Tore all over town
Skidding tires screeching brakes
Barely make a sound
We were on a winding road
Going 65
Slid along an icy stretch, made it back alive
Little eyes are open but they don't see very far
You can only hurt the ones you love
Not the ones you're thinking of
Little eyes are open but they're sinking back again
Don't you know you're sleeping much too long
Wake up little eyes
Moving but not gaining any ground
Climbing up the escalator as it takes you down
Last night I heard this sound
Echoed everywhere
Like a buzzing amplifier
Burning through the air
It's still raining hard, you said
Have you any clue?
Is it ever gonna stop?
I guess that's up to you
Little eyes are open but they don't see very far
You can only hurt the ones you love
Not the ones you're thinking of
Little eyes are open but they're sinking back again
Don't you know you're sleeping much too long
Wake up little eyes

pretty, pretty

"letter in november"

Love, the world
suddenly turns, turns colour. The streetlight
splits through the rat's tail
Pods of the laburnum at nine in the morning.
It is Arctic,



This little black
circle, with its tawn silk grasses--babies' hair.
there is a green in the air,
soft, delectable.
It cushions me lovingly.


I am flush and warm.
I think I may be enormous,
I am so stupidly happy,
My Welligntons
Squelching and squelching through the beautiful red.

This is my poetry.
Two times a day
I pace it, sniffing
The barbarous holly with its viridian
Scallops, pure iron,

And the wall of old corpses.
I love them.
I love them like history.
The apples are golden,
Imagine it--

My seventy trees
Holding their gold-ruddy balls
In a thick grey death-soup
Their million
Gold leaves metal and breathless.
O love, O celibate.
Nobody but me
Walks the waist high wet.
The irreplaceable
Golds bleed and deepen, the mouths of Thermopylae.

"poppies in october"

Even the sun-clouds this morning cannont manage such skirts.
Nor the woman in the ambulance
Whose red heart blooms through her coat so astoundingly--

A gift, a love gift
Utterly unasked for
By a sky

Paley and flamily
Igniting its carbon monoxides, by eyes
Dulled toa hault under bowlers.

O my God, what am I
That these late mouths should cry open
In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers.

Sylvia Plath, fm. Ariel

Thank you for the peace of silence and quietude.
Thank you for time to read alone in my favorite room, bathed in key light on the floor, books all around.
I pick one up and leaf through its pages.
I read a for awhile and find another.

The night is cool and chilly
and still.

I stop and sigh.

Thank you for the peace of silence and quietude.
Thank you.

Lotus in Bloomington

Good (crazy) times here this weekend in Bloomington. One of the many reasons I love my Hometown.
Lots of great music and positive vibes happening here.


Hope all is well where you are.