bridge

I need a bridge in this city of rivers
I need a bridge to run across, my face wide open
and nothing holding back in my heart
It would be wide enough for two
It could be wide enough for you
on the other side.

I woke several times last night. And morning came too early.
It was the deadly combination of too much vodka, ongoing nightmares, and sleeping in a foreign bed that made for light sleep. Well, that and going to bed late and a little sad.
7:05a.m.
I was cold so I stumbled across the hardwood floor and put on my running garb and went for the door.
The Saturday morning was still, no bustle of workers out to beat the rush. Outside, the overcast sky and mist lay heavy on my lungs, I struggled to see the end of the street.

Being so close to the Monon, I was thankful that I didn't have to travel far to start my meditations.
Once on the pavement, my mind began to unravel the incessant talk. The Monon allows for endless mile after straight mile of release.
I pounded and felt my bones pop in their usual places as the concrete absorbed the blow of each footfall.

The first mile was for me being stupid and vulnerable.

The second mile was for building the wall around myself again.

The third mile was regaining my empowerment and not giving it away to those not worthy of me.

The fourth was for those who don't have the discipline or ability to do this.

I walked the rest, exhausted and purged.


Watched two movies tonight that made sense: Stepmom and Somethings Gotta Give.
Good stuff.
Strange, when you run into your ex-husband when you are both out of town and the chance meeting turns into 30 minutes of talking. It is friendly, comfortable, nice.

I am lonely. This is temporary. Don't make me feel this way...

A strong gust

This morning I was emotionally charged and knew the only way to work through it was to run. I made my way to the cinder, pine tree-lined track, breathing deeply through my belly, my head and heart full and ready to run.
And it was strange, I started to feel this pull. I was trapped between running like hell from my demons and yet frantically chasing my dreams. I was caught in this swirling, colorful tug-of-war within myself. The run was a three miler and I didn't feel anything for most of it. Still, I walked away relieved, drenched with sweat and possiblity.

Funny how being in a state of complacent calm and tranquility can be so easily upset---how kind words can easily disrupt my equilibrium. I am still reeling from the simplest of gestures and need to learn how to process them in a more balanced way. Kindness, I have found, doesn't come often enough to gage how I will consistently respond. I just know I never react the way I would like to..

One of these days I will figure it out.
Until then, I remain the same--waiting for the gust to blow me over.

kimono

Lilly in her new suit...