Not a good head space for the past few days, no.
Is this some cruel, sick joke? I just want to know when all the shit ends and the living starts again.
watching confessions of a dangerous mind again. last night it was happiness again. both great movies. here's a reminder:
CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND
a screenplay by
Charlie Kaufman
INSTRUCTOR #1
There are several efficient methods of
killing a man, were you to find yourself
without a weapon. The edge of your hand
against the adversary's Adam's apple.
(demonstrates on mannequin)
This will crush the windpipe causing
strangulation and death.
The students take notes.
INSTRUCTOR #1 (CONT'D)
Boxing your adversary's ears with proper
force will cause his ear drums to burst
and possibly result in bleeding in the
brain. And death.
EXT. BARRACKS - NIGHT
It's dark. Byrd sits on a step, smoking a cigarette. Barris
approaches.
BARRIS
You're training me to be a killer.
BYRD
See, Chuck, I knew you were fairly
bright.
BARRIS
I can't kill people. My future is in
television.
BYRD
Listen, you're thirty-two years old and
you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ
was dead and alive again by thirty-three.
Better get cracking.
BARRIS
I have ideas for shows.
BYRD
Oh, good. Why don't you spend another
six months developing 'em while staring
out the window at mommy's house next to
poor dead Albert the dog.
Beautiful. fucking beautiful.
8/09/2005
top 10 summer observations
10. Driving home tonight, I passed the well-lit baseball field next to my apartment complex. The moisture and humidity hung in the air. It smelled divine--and it was the perfect temperature too. I wanted to pull over and watch.
9. The ciacada's are in full sing, reminding me that school is just around the corner.
8. Walking solo down Kirkwood tonight--there hung a sliver of a moon and next to it a speck of a constilation--Venus perhaps? Lovely with the backdrop of bright blue.
7. Not only do I get to play great music on the radio (tomorrow), I also get to review as many new cds as I want. Dream job.
6. My daughter resting her head in my lap as I wash the shampoo from her curly blonde hair. The trust and vulnerability is overpowering. I miss feeling that way.
5. Seeing Bill-a traveling bandit--again. He travels from Cali to Bloomington and back. Last time I saw him was the summer solstice first at Tro-Ho, then at the Moaners concert. safe travels, Bill.
4. Unstructured time.
3. A friend to fill unstructred time.
2. Gossiping with the custodial staff.
1. Two more weeks of vacation.
9. The ciacada's are in full sing, reminding me that school is just around the corner.
8. Walking solo down Kirkwood tonight--there hung a sliver of a moon and next to it a speck of a constilation--Venus perhaps? Lovely with the backdrop of bright blue.
7. Not only do I get to play great music on the radio (tomorrow), I also get to review as many new cds as I want. Dream job.
6. My daughter resting her head in my lap as I wash the shampoo from her curly blonde hair. The trust and vulnerability is overpowering. I miss feeling that way.
5. Seeing Bill-a traveling bandit--again. He travels from Cali to Bloomington and back. Last time I saw him was the summer solstice first at Tro-Ho, then at the Moaners concert. safe travels, Bill.
4. Unstructured time.
3. A friend to fill unstructred time.
2. Gossiping with the custodial staff.
1. Two more weeks of vacation.
8/07/2005
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Prince of Denmark
I am sitting in the dark in my quiet apartment. The only sound is the lull of the dryer- the rains are coming, and I am waiting patiently to run naked in the parking lot until someone takes me away.
I endured the Springer Family reunion way up in Hoagland Indiana--8 miles from Ohio--somewhere on the endless stretch of highway 69. I counted the crosses along the roadway and decided while driving that most people probably took their lives out of the boredom that comes from driving this particular bit of asphalt. I also noticed after driving several undisturbed miles that the white lines down the center of the lane were crooked. I don't know how long I drove before realizing that I was driving 80 and, indeed, other cars were next to me.
I think part of the reason for the unaccounted for time on the road was due to being lost in thought. I was hurt by my father's thoughtless public remarks at the reunion--to which I came out of duty to the family name, not because I cared to speak to these people.
I also took my daughter, as it was my weekend, but also because I knew she would be the one people would like to see--not me.
As introductions were given, my father followed his elder brother, Neil. That is always difficult, as those two have the worst sibling rivalry I have ever seen--even at 67 and 65 years old--but after the torch was passed, my father proceeded to introduce his family, the 3 girls, all happily married, but Dan wasn't with us today. I smiled remembering my part playing the always pleasant, never challenging, lawyer's daughter, the anger seething--burning in my breast while the others continued proudly sharing their family joys to all, leaving the skeletons locked tightly away in the closet. The words became static--and I used the always present excuse of my daughter's potty training for my hasty exit out of the hall.
I was not sure I heard him correctly. After all, he was the one I finally called to break the news months ago. Mother would just cry and tell me to try harder.
I didn't confront him. Today was his birthday, and the thought of being put on trial was the last thing I needed before the long drive back with my 2-year old.
Upon arriving home and checking the always dreaded mailbox-- the bank decided to leave 10 overdue draft notices. I just bought toilet paper and kleenex--and won't be buying much more until my next check arrives. I am at a complete loss.
These past few chapters of my life wouldn't be so bad if I had something--anything going for me. But at this moment, I just can't see it. I am just trying to be true. How does one accomplish this without any allies?
Ahhh--the lightening is starting up. I am hoping I can catch one of those lovely strokes of heat and disappear from here today.
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Prince of Denmark
I am sitting in the dark in my quiet apartment. The only sound is the lull of the dryer- the rains are coming, and I am waiting patiently to run naked in the parking lot until someone takes me away.
I endured the Springer Family reunion way up in Hoagland Indiana--8 miles from Ohio--somewhere on the endless stretch of highway 69. I counted the crosses along the roadway and decided while driving that most people probably took their lives out of the boredom that comes from driving this particular bit of asphalt. I also noticed after driving several undisturbed miles that the white lines down the center of the lane were crooked. I don't know how long I drove before realizing that I was driving 80 and, indeed, other cars were next to me.
I think part of the reason for the unaccounted for time on the road was due to being lost in thought. I was hurt by my father's thoughtless public remarks at the reunion--to which I came out of duty to the family name, not because I cared to speak to these people.
I also took my daughter, as it was my weekend, but also because I knew she would be the one people would like to see--not me.
As introductions were given, my father followed his elder brother, Neil. That is always difficult, as those two have the worst sibling rivalry I have ever seen--even at 67 and 65 years old--but after the torch was passed, my father proceeded to introduce his family, the 3 girls, all happily married, but Dan wasn't with us today. I smiled remembering my part playing the always pleasant, never challenging, lawyer's daughter, the anger seething--burning in my breast while the others continued proudly sharing their family joys to all, leaving the skeletons locked tightly away in the closet. The words became static--and I used the always present excuse of my daughter's potty training for my hasty exit out of the hall.
I was not sure I heard him correctly. After all, he was the one I finally called to break the news months ago. Mother would just cry and tell me to try harder.
I didn't confront him. Today was his birthday, and the thought of being put on trial was the last thing I needed before the long drive back with my 2-year old.
Upon arriving home and checking the always dreaded mailbox-- the bank decided to leave 10 overdue draft notices. I just bought toilet paper and kleenex--and won't be buying much more until my next check arrives. I am at a complete loss.
These past few chapters of my life wouldn't be so bad if I had something--anything going for me. But at this moment, I just can't see it. I am just trying to be true. How does one accomplish this without any allies?
Ahhh--the lightening is starting up. I am hoping I can catch one of those lovely strokes of heat and disappear from here today.
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