As I passed through the empty halls last night,
the stale smell of public education burned in my nostrils.
I paused outside a door: my door.
And not having the key, I couldn't enter.
I looked through the small window and could make out the shadows of desks
and debris

and it was clear to me
that just as in life and in love,
we are easily replaced and forgotten.

What would it take to be treasured
like a smooth stone found on the shore
that was kept in your pocket always
and held tightly between your fingers?

How would it feel to be needed
and noticeably missed by you?

I suddenly felt ordinary and bland.

A janitor passed on his waxer.
I jerked back from my battered door,
smiled weakly at him.

There was a moment of understanding between us.
He knew this feeling far better than I.

I'll Know

Something happens to a person
when they have been touched by something (or someone)
so amazing or horrific or profound
that they will never quite be the same again.

I've had a few encounters like these in the past few years
and have been given the last three months to reflect back on
each one with remorse, with sheer bliss, with shame, with overflowing joy, with dispair or a combination of all of those feelings
and I know that without those events (or people)
I would not be who I am today.

***
I am trying to enjoy these last few days of solitude before I go back
hoping
that the person who is me shines through to everyone I meet
and others will respond in kind to me-- or with new eyes
and a new heart.
Here's to hoping...
that my strengths and talents will be noted and used for the greater good,
that connections will be made and kept,
that love will have a chance to blossom.
***
A lovesong from the show I am currently working on has been playing over in my head.
It is called "I'll Know:"

...I'll know when my loves comes along
I'll know then and there,
I'll know at the sight of her face
how I care, how I care, how I care
and I'll stop
and I'll stare,
And I'll know long before we can speak
I'll know in my heart,
I'll know and I won't ever ask,
Am I wise? Am I right? Am I smart?
But I'll stop
and I'll stare
at that face in the throng
Yes, I'll know when my love comes along.

It's going to be a great musical.

stupidbowl sunday

How perfect the superbowl is on a sunday. The two go hand in hand.
Might as well break out the tax forms...now, where did I put my beer?

****

My girl washed me in the tub today. She leaned against my back and guided the washcloth
up and down
up and down
like I have with her so many times.
I thought to myself she will one day be doing this when I no longer can.
So I held her to my naked breast and kissed her, tears streaming down.
"You ok?" she asked me, her furrowed brow and hands outstretched.
"Mommy is ok. Mommy is fine."

****

Sometimes I feel like my heart could explode from holding back the amount of love I feel.
That must be why when the seasons change from summer to fall or winter to spring, I have so much trouble.
You see, I don't know what to do with the feelings-- my heart swells so big it must be released.
To friends, to enemies, to lovers, to strangers, to students, to whomever.

You are loved by someone who is amazing and caring,
thoughtful and attentive,
funny and bright,
beautiful and unassuming,
and she wants you to know it.
right now.