Splinters

Ah. Early morning. I woke before dawn, did my yoga and made it to school by 6:55.
it's going to be a great day.
an old friend called me last night out of the blue. We recklessly toured Europe together back in the early 90's, hitting all the main locales in his piece of shit beamer. God, those were some wild, eye-opening times. How strange that I just entered a piece about losing memories and people---but the minute we talked, they all came streaming back into my mind. He was a bright guy, army brat, wrestler with a delicate frame. What is it about wrestlers? I think I have dated at least 4.
Anyway, he would have made a great politician. Good to talk with you again Bruce.

I don't know if it is age or experience but I am feeling so much more in tune with things these days. Unfortunately, along with clarity, I have lost the lofty idea of romantic love, I won't allow people in anymore. Love is disease and once infected, you are helpless. There is no remedy or relief except fateful time---waiting for it to die, waiting for the feelings to wilt and decompose, watching the body wither and groan and become worthless.

The good times are so few and fleeting that I wonder why we even put forth the energy--when ultimately we know it is doomed to fail.

Fortunately for me, I have the strength of 10,000 men. Now that I know better, I will never go to that place again. It would take a miracle. A fucking miracle.

Baby

"Don't cry baby," he said to her, cradling her head in his arms.
She had never been called baby before. It always sounded so cliche. But coming from him it was...nice. Baby hmmm.
*****
I hate the fact that I have to rely on my students in order to have a conversation about anything important. The election, condoms in schools, relating to your kids, having civil discussions without closing off the other person, dismissing them or walking away. Maybe because they are a captive audience? I am honored that they let me in to their lives at all. I know I never let my parents in on anything I was thinking or feeling.

I thank my lucky stars for students like Ryan, Anna, Alex, Keith, Anton, Trevor, Jacob, Jimmy, J-Moore, Kerchie, Hoppie, Esther, Evan, B-Carl, Steve, Haddie, Kayta, Danielle, Krystopher, Sarah, Kathleen...they never let me down, always have a hug for me and are straight up with me. I cannot say that for many adults that I know.

Dreams were crazy last night...I was crazy, elevators, painting, college dorms....

paper airplanes and pastel

Driving west this morning the sky resembled an easter egg--pastel, cool and pretty. Sometimes I wish that I could freeze moments in time. I hate how time makes you forget. Why does time do that to beautiful things, beautiful people, beautiful moments? It isn't fair.
I see you caught under the watchful and suspecting eyes of others. I see nothing behind your eyes now. And your hands, your scent--- they are gone. forgotten. And I miss them.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.

--from "Eloisa to Abelard"

eloisa

Anger today. blinding--brain bluring--and from here then to mom mode.
I am so fucking tired.
I need someone to put their arms around me and tell me I am loved and it's all going to be ok. I want to be able to put my guard down and just relax.

Is there anyone out there?
>>>>
a productive al beit lonely weekend once again.
the downstairs got a new coat of paint, baseboards stained and the carpets are somewhat presentable now.
After three days i finally made it all the way through eternal sunshine intact. cannot remember the last time i watched a movie with someone.

i feel my heart growing colder, the distance i place between myself and others seems to grow with every passing day and i find myself not caring much about tending to the relationships i do have. as someone once said to me, it is best not to have any expectations of other people--that way you won't be disappointed if they do not meet them. huh--interesting but uh, no.

maybe it's the sudafed?