glad tidings

It's hard to see your father cry. I have only witnessed it twice; once when we buried his mother, and the other time, when I was really sick. Last night was the third time. And listening to the choked up sobs and snot blowing over a cell phone makes it so---surreal. I just sat there--not sure what to say.

The court date is set for Monday, December 20; the day after my birthday, the day after my babe will spend with her other family celebrating Christmas. The judge would not waive the court fee, so I have to find the cash to pay for that as well.

After a long talk, the longest talk I have ever had with my dad, he passed the phone to my mom and she asked, "Well, should I get him a Christmas present?"
I don't know mom. I don't know.

"how heavy the days..."

How heavy the days are.
There's not a fire that can warm me,
Not a sun to laugh with me,
Everything bare,
Everything cold and merciless,
And even the beloved clear
Stars look desolately down,
Since I learned in my heart that
Love can die. -H. Hesse

connections

soul mate.
something stirs in me when people start talking about that concept. Is it a tangible idea? As a person who can't say I have any people that I connect I scoff at it. But part of me hopes deep down that there is a chance--however slight--- that they are out there somewhere. So if you're there, show yourself.
In the mean time, back to work.

Lost mitten

He came through the line twice-- a tall man with large hands. His fingers were encrusted with dirt.
While driving into town this morning, I saw him walking down Rogers. I know him.

I enjoyed looking each person in the face. I made mental note as to who made eye contact, who smiled, who remained guarded. One man looked like The Edge. I told him so after his 3rd or 4th time back up to the line. He was pleased to hear it.
While cleaning up after last call, he came back up,
"You guys rock!" He was so genuine.
"We know it," I said jokingly. He made my holiday.

Working with a group of young, naive, priviledged college girls was, let's just say, interesting. Why were they here? They had to fulfill a requirement for class. They chatted about school and classes-- three of them were planning on going to law school, the other, med school. Since I have been contemplating the idea of going back myself, I probed a bit deeper.
"What type of law are you interested in?"
"I don't really care. I just want to make money. My boyfriend is planning to go to med school.. Would you like corn or pasta?"
"Huh." I admired her ridiculously lofty goal. Funny what information people choose to disclose.
"Wow. I have never used a mop before," the plump one said trying to lift the heavy thing from its bucket. I stared at her, my mouth gaping.

I felt sorry for them. They looked at each person with such apathy, filling the trays, getting their credits, going back home to family. What lessons were learned last night, I wonder?
**
The last few days alone have had me thinking about love actually. And friendship. And I am sad to think that those never really did exist between us. I like to see the best in all people--but generally, people only want what they can get out of you--with as little energy as possible.

Dad's Thanksgiving prayer asked for blessings on the President, our troops overseas and strength in the faith. I was the only one who kepot my eyes open, which is probably a good thing, because the look on my face was of outright horror.

Lots of big decisions on my plate. I am afraid to trust, afraid to love, afraid of being taken for a ride, again.