when all else fails

as tears roll by

"As tears roll by"
Daniel Lanois

I’ve been working downtown inside my troubles
I’ve been working downtown inside my troubles
I’ve been sleeping under the bridge of highway 1
And I don’t know who my savior is
As tears roll by

Oh dear heart I know it’s been a long time
And the pendulum swings so wide
I’ve been wrestling with the burning spear
With the burning spear
Don’t want to be like this another year
As tears roll by

I could never see your perfect rainbow
Avalanche buried me deep in the snow
Murky smoke stack made me fall
Cold ambition written on my wall
I got mixed up and fell down
I got mixed up
As years roll by

I could be a patriot if I could see
But the T.V. talkin’ man make no sense to me
And I don’t know where our savior lives
And I don’t know where my savior is
Building up, building down
As tears roll by

Gotta keep my spirit out of trouble
Keep myself out of trouble
But the hands of need are calling me
I feel mortality
Tumble down, tumble down
As years roll by

They were building a building like forever
Heads buried deep inside a fever
The spirit cried out from the ground
Sweet, sweet maternal sounds
Tumble, tumble, tumble down tumble to the ground
As fears roll by
As tears roll by, as tears roll by, as tears roll by, as tears roll by

***
I hope you read thru the lyrics. Wish you could hear the tune as well.
My brother-in-law (the only man I currently think has any decency about him)tuned me in and turned me on to Daniel Lanois' Shine soundtrack. Lanois did a lot of work with U2 in the late 80's and early 90's when U2 still had a little love in em.
The Joshua Tree got me through my freshman year of college, a year of defeat, of failure, of doubt and sickness.

But the Shine record has some beautiful moments. I would suggest it if you are looking for something a little different.

I was leafing through the pages of the new Victorias Secret Christmas catalogue last night. The women are so perfect, so beautiful and flawless; so young. I sighed and threw the fucking thing in the trash. How does one find another beautiful? How can her eyes be more magical? Her face, her laughter, her intellect?
I just feel well, like a burned out star--a fading light in the sky--unrecognizable, a passing blurr a streak on the window, bug smeared on the windshield.

Again another dream about a baby dying. This one was much more graphic--the blood from the mother being mopped up by custodial staff, they wheeled her out in the gurney with her explosive boyfriend next to her--covered in her feces and blood.
I woke up and held my daughter tightly. She is the only thing I am living for.

November 2nd

On this day eight years ago I got married. With no money to put in the meter, it's no wonder the damn thing expired.

It was a chilly Saturday mid-morning--sunny, a few leaves left on trees.
I remember doing most of the planning myself and the fits my mother gave me over spending, not feeling involved, and of course, having the wedding over an hour from the familiar comforts of Carmel made me even more determined to go at it alone. Yecch. Some things never change---she majored in guilt; minored in passive-aggression.

What she failed to realize (and still does) was that after being forced into an early wedding date and with less than three months to plan the whole f-ing affair, I didn't have the time or desire to include her in any of the decisions. I guess that's what comes with being the first of three girls to prematurely buy a house and happily live in sin and finally marry.

I just wanted to buy a house. I was looking for a fun roommate who would shoulder the work and pay half his/her share of the costs.
and eight years later I am stuck with a money pit, mortgage and more debt than I ever thought possible.

happy anniversary baby. Oh, and no need for flowers.....I picked my own.

10:14

***
i drink good coffee every morning
comes from a place that's far away
and when i'm done
i feel like talking
without you here
there is less to say.
***

it's been hard this week for some reason.
i was so emotional friday i had to leave work early-just basically walked out.
i cannot stand it when people say, "have a nice weekend." i have the impulse to say to everyone, "fuck you." i am sure i will one of these days.

i used to run for meditative purposes. it was a great think and work through problems or to plan creatively on upcoming projects.
my department chair said that when she went through her divorce she started running. she is now the cross country coach of a # 1 team. there is something to be said for finding something wonderful in an unexpected way.
before my triathalon i would focus on the eyes of someone i loved-- same person every time. while focusing i didn't feel anything--no cramps, no burning in my chest when my lungs needed air, no pain in the knees. it would be a good five miles before i would come to. it was a great feeling having him along with me.

i can't remember the last time i went running.

the first thing i did when i walked out of work was headed to the YMCA. I had not been in there in over two months. my wasted body trying to lift the minimum weight on each machine was laughable--and frightening. my power was gone. my strength, my stamina, my focus--gone. i laid on the mat and watched the t.v. for awhile and went home.

***
don't want you thinking
i'm unhappy
what is closer to the truth
if i lived till i was 102
just don't think i'll ever get over you.
***

i am going off all meds (well, i cannot envision stopping the sleeping pills yet) to see what happens. the blisters are almost gone now, and it only feels like a hole the size of a quarter on the roof of my mouth. it feels like i have herpies--might as well. god knows i deserve to have them.

***
no longer moved to drink
strong whiskey
i shook the hand of time and i knew
if i live to no longer climb my stairs
just don't think i'll ever get over you.
****
i hate how the saddness always creeps in on fridays. i hate fridays.

saturday morning was crisp and beautiful. i rode my bike around town and decided to make a mental list of things that still, even at 34 amaze me.

1. the unpredictible wind and the damage it can do
2. how everything stops when an emergency vehicle sirens and roars its way through busy traffic
3. the contrast between the green turf of a football field and the crimson of thousands of fans in the stands--and the bright cloudless blue sky.
4. the image of a woman walking through a wall of golden leaves, tossing her hair, skirt, everything into the air.
5. how music, especially country music, can level me to a blubbering idiot--over and over again.
6. the way intense memories stay with me and make me sigh, sucking in my breath for a brief moment.

***
your face it dances
and it haunts me
laughter still ringing in my ears
still find pieces of your presence
even after all these years.
***

so it's sunday.
i have to come back in here tomorrow
and i loathe it.