"And how long?"

how much does a man live, after all?
Does he live a thousand days, or only one?
For a week, or for several centuries?
How long does a man spend dying?
What does it mean to say 'for ever'?

I want to tell you about the corruption.
But I am scared. I feel like a communist.


I cry, after hanging up with a sibling who is beyond the pain I am feeling, who reminds me that 'I live in a small town...'.
I cry because I have no one to share my sorrows.

Everyone has a life that is full and busy--the new roof, the baby, relatives, job..

I stood beside the waterfall for a minute. I rememered how it looked frozen--its ice crystals penetrating the water below. I imagine briefly what Ophelia must have felt when her world came tumbling down and there was no one to talk to. The water seems soothing, cool, friendly. No wonder she let herself go.

I stood on the bank and reminded myself of a beautiful and amazing daughter I have. She is vibrant and lovely and sustains me when everything-else doesn't.

I want to jump in, seeing her reflection in me in the vast pool of shimmering, sparkling water. I want to surrender to my anger and sorrow and loneliness...the people at work who beat me down day after day with their jealous, angry, resentful words...I want to surrender to the loss of love and friends and faith I have in anything.


Did I mention, "My Skin is" just started playing?

fm. "loneliness"

it is what has not happened to one that determines the silence,
and I don't want to go on speaking
because I stayed there waiting;
in that place and on that day
I have no idea what happened
but now I am not the same.

P.Neruda

I finally broke down and bought the book. Two, actually. One for my friend who just turned 35, the other for me.

Today is Friday, May 19.
I signed my final divorce papers today.

I know this is the beginning of everything new. Not only personally, but professionally. Time for change.

I plan to be back in school by the fall; interviewing for better positions (or creating my own) in 2 years.

How have I managed to work so long in such a terrible environment? Once I move on, this bird will sing.


The sun is still up at 8:15pm. Feels like I am in Europe. God, I wish.