Clenched Soul

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

*****

Last night as the wind was howling outside
And I thought my shingles were going to fly off the roof,
My car tip over and the screens fly off,
I tried hard to think of things I enjoy.
Instead of dwelling on being cold in my bed
Scared and alone,
The quiet of the house and the ticking of the clock
My only company.

I tried not to think of others who
Have someone to go home to
Who are welcomed
And waited up for…
Who are missed and wanted and needed.
Their kisses warm and soft skin and smell like a familiar blanket.

Still, as I turned out the light
I could warm myself with the thought
That I can survive on my own
By myself.
I can make it and am strong enough
I can do this life by myself.

But who wants to?
Not much of an exchange for companionship
or happiness
or honesty
or anything that truly matters.


So there is
Summertime
Solitude
The smell of the earth in springtime
Warm days and cool water
Hard work and a cold beer
Traveling to far away places after earning your way
Paying off bills that you worked for yourself
230 pm on the last day of school
The promise of love
The promise of love
The promise of love
The promise of love

most unusual girl

This is the most unusual story
of a most unusual girl
She's the paint in my picture
of a most unusual world

She can crawl out a frame
while she's hanging on the wall
And she's calling my name
she's not so usual

She's most unusual
Shes not so usual
She's so unusual

She's mostly a ghost
the way she watches over me
She complains when I smoke
but then you do the same to me

She's controlling my brain activity
knowing when I go to sleep
She'll catch me when I'm falling hard
she's so unusual

*****
She's not so
hooked on the drugs like I thought she was
And never suckin' on the lime and hardly sippin' on the wine
And despite
of her bi-polar roller coastering
I think I can trust she'll keep me singing differently

And that's fine
'Cause she's with me now most all of the time

Trying and savin' the light
Thinking not of her own
And always kissing me goodnight
When I just need to be alone
She's so sweet
So discrete
-She's exactly what I need
Not even make believe...

she's not so usual...

She's so unusual
She's not so usual
So unusual

Oh, Not so usual
and not too practical either,

What's that, she's
not so mystical
but not too magical neither,

I said she's
not so out of control
and not so used to the full

kaisen

Sunday morning, praise the dawning
It's just a restless feeling by my side
Early dawning, Sunday morning
It's just the wasted years so close behind
Watch out, the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all
Lou Reed

Ahh. 40 degrees rising and the fog lifts here in lovely Bloomington. The sun is shining and the snow is melting. Yay.

I stopped by my favorite flower shop, Mike was there with the chewed-up cigar hanging out of the side of his mouth,
"Where you been, little lady? Life treating you good?"
He asks while wrapping up my tulips. I cringe at the grammar but smile at his sincerity. God, I love Hoosiers.

He explains how the tulips will grow once you get them home and with a twinkle in is eye says that spring will be here in about 8 weeks. Along with the promise of spring and flowers, he prods me about my love life.
"Well, obviously if I am buying the flowers---," I trail off.
He shakes is head and smiles as I pay the bill, he says with a wink,
"Come back more often. We like seeing ya."
I promise I will try.

I spent well over 3 hours talking to the guys down at the coffee shop, Pat M. one of my favorites, and Eric a math genius who teaches quantum-numbers-and-theories at university. Grumpy Tom is there, who swears like a sailor but has a soft spot for little girls and then there is Doctoral Tim 'music man' B. Rounding out the table of course, the romantic Dave T with a different woman clinging to his side every time I see him. It always makes for interesting, eclectic morning conversation.

I spent most of my time talking to Eric about dreams-- we share lots of problems with thinking and loss of sleep. We are both nervous types. We discuss the motivation behind exercise and the metal game required to do triathlons and play golf. We both vow to pick up golf again come spring.

Father Pat clicks his tongue, praising my dedication to the gym but asking if I made it to church this morning. "This is my soul food today," I say.
And soul food it was...just what I needed.


The warm weather picks-me-up as I am thinking about a grant for a special project I am formulating for the spring. I am collaborating with a cool old broad who pushes me. Am also getting the wanderlust again--so will need to decide whether I want to travel this summer or landscape my yard.

I think both are possible.

Anything is possible this Sunday morning.
Anything is possible....