may-september

“Let it be; I’m glad of it,” I thought, “I’m precisely glad that I’ll seem repulsive to her; I like it…”

I have been too vulnerable. I must gather my power and undo this familiarity before it takes hold. Get me out of this negative thinking!

Lately I have had dreams. I am gardening—always gardening. And he arrives--usually with friends and apparently unawares that I am present. Our greeting is always brief, awkward if not abysmal. I cringe and he disappears, I feeling at fault at this unannounced visit. The only words that come to mind when I see him are dread and loathing. I wake anxious and agitated. His face, his voice-- they are no longer clear. I am relieved by that. Still, why can I not shake his poisonous presence? Why must I always feel shameful?

A former student quit school (a freshman in college) a week ago. Just obtaining her driver’s license at 18, she plans to drive cross country to live and work. By strange coincidence I called her and she paid me a visit. There was a lot unsaid. The few things that were seemed forced, scripted. I imagine her travels but instead of feeling a twinge of jealously for her great opportunity, I feel nothing. She is a fool.

I doubt we will speak again.

My eyes glaze over as the phone rings and the name appears. I don’t pick up. I check the time—too late. I begin to work through the dialogue in my mind. I put on the armor, toughen the mind, prepare for the last conversation we will have.

Moving on.


Started The World Is Flat two days ago.
Enjoy it, actually.

Additions as of Thursday...
HEM will be at Birdies April 22
A song I love:


No Word From Tom

The Present
(Dan Messe)

When I saw him by the river
He just smiled and closed his eyes
He said you know that you're gonna give her
One more present - one more lie

I didn't see him for a while then
Though I heard his name around
So I walked down a hundred miles when
On that Iron Bridge it was him I found

I said you know that I have wandered
By the dust here on my feet
For every present that I have squandered
On every false heart that I meet

But I can't take back what I gave them
No, I can't make right what I've made wrong
I can't pretend that I tried to save them
When they were drowning in my song

So I don't come here for a new scar
For to cover the things I've done
I just come here to see how you are
Maybe see how I've become

Well he lay there on that Iron Bridge
Where the Earth and the waters part
He said Hello there well ain't you gonna give
One more present to your own false heart