I have no ping.

10 pm. act 1 run.
After the torture talk on the way home, I decided to make matters worse by reviewing the past and reminding myself of why I am here in the present... staring the future in the face and wanting to change everything.

the tears flow. it has been awhile since I felt anything but exhaustion, rage, rejection, doubt so it is a welcome change.

oh, the holding pattern sucks. as does the disappointment of hope. I lack the skill, the monetary means, the time or drive to make a change.
But I need to. so much. I need to make a change.

I am a failure. I am unworthy. I am a place holder.

Still, I want to understand what about me is not good enough? Why do I remain a single seat in the front row for my favorite show?


I feel cheated and betrayed, lied to and pacified.

When do things start going my way?
How long must I live in this shadow?