ha ha...could it be true?

You Have Your PhD in Men

You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful.

How Well Do You Understand Men?

twiggy's "Pretty good year"

because it couldn't get any worse....
"Pretty Good Year" and all you optimists: fuck you.

Tears on the sleeve of a man
Don't wanna be a boy today
Heard the eternal footman
Bought himself a bike to race
And Greg he writes letters
And burns his CDs
They say you were something in those formative years
Hold onto nothing
As fast as you can
Well still pretty good year

Maybe a bright sandy beach
Is going to bring you back
May not so now you're off
You're gonna see America
Well let me tell you something about america
Pretty good year
Some things are melting now
Well what's it gonna take
Till my baby's alright

And Greg he writes letters with his birthday pen
Sometimes he's aware that they're drawing him in
Lucy was pretty
Your best friend agreed
Still Pretty good year

the lost days and top 6 for 2006

R.I.P. Gerald Ford and James Brown

"The High Heat"

She wants to die
Like people do
Shower clicking
Summer was sickening
In that room

High in the heat
A white-hot beehive
Well she was doomed

She has a wing
To offer the sky
She couldn't stop sinking
She thought she wasn�t thinking
She wanted to die

She wants to live
Like people do
She feels like giving
It all away
All to you

found on: The Wilco Book/ words: Jeff Tweedy

I'm not planning on killing myself. Don't f-ing freak.
These are just the words to a song I especially like from my one and only real present received this year. THE WILCO BOOK (2004) complete with cd with 12 songs not included on other records.

With that said, on to the post:

I am a terribly unlucky person. My sister says I have edgy energy, which leads to me stirring up unwanted problems in the universe. She also says that bad karma comes back faster with me...almost instantaneously, in fact. This is apparently a good thing, as it means I won't have bad karma festering inside giving me cancer later down the road. (ironically, I am currently listening to New Dimentions...The God Theory...)

I just think I have bad luck.

Besides the obvious troubles in the love department, I will run down the most recent events this year in the exciting life and times of C.

Christmas Eve
While driving to my parents, a rock flew out of no where, shattering my windshield.

December 19
My life insurance policy and YMCA membership both cancelled on my birthday.

Thanksgiving weekend
Dr. Sarah, music teacher at Univeristy Elementary School took her life. 3 previous students also died of suicide or drug overdoses over the weekend.

Friday, 5p.m. July something
While house/pet-sitting for my sister, I managed to lock myself out of her house (with special old-style locks) in only a bikini bathing suit. No phone, no shoes....

June, 2006
My ex and I decided to put our cat Reuben down. My neighbor, Glenn, died a day later. Wow.

May 19, 2006
Divorce was final.

March 2006
While waiting at a stoplight, a woman talking on her cell phone crashed into the back of my car, shattered the back windshield and bent the back frame. My daughter was in the car.

There was a computer crash in there somwhere (I lost everything on the hard drive)but I think it was December, 2005.

OK. So, 2007 HAS to be better than this, right?

Now, my top 6 albums of 2006: (do you like that? 6 for 2006?)

The Flaming Lips At War With Mystics
Beck The Information
M Ward Post War
The Decemberists The Crane Wife
The Long Winters Putting the Days to Bed
Neko Case Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

2007--what do you have in store for me?

I wish you love

Found this on my media player. Totally forgot about it. Bill Henderson and Oscar Peterson Trio, couldn't be a better combo. Reminds me of my old pal Paulie Mac...

Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in july a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love

What Kind of Coffee are You?

You're not Coffee, you're Tea!
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I've spoken to some when they ask how I am, I say well.
I'm in a safe place, I continue, which usually requires the explaination--
better than the scary place I once was in.
Oh, right. Sure....

They are satisfied with that, and I go on thinking to myself that it sure as hell is a dreadfully boring place. Is this how old croans settle on sharing an apartment with Sister Solitude? She is a quiet, no-nonsense person. Doesn't like to go out much. Not much to look at, and no one you'd want to be stuck at a table with alone for any length of time.

This week I have to put on the happy face for several holiday parties. I am trying to be optimistic about possibility of having fun. Trouble is, right now a bath and early bedtime sounds pretty darn good.

Ok, 3% pick tea, 4% Daphne, what gives??

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?

Daphne
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Can you tell I turn 37 next week? Yeah, age is starting to show....

Happy holidays everyone.

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're Lili St. Cyr!
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Sarah Smile

“The cure for unhappiness is happiness, I don’t care what anyone says.”
-Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again

(Opening quote from Nick Hornby’s new novel A Long Way Down . The back cover reads, “ One New Year‘s Eve, four people with very different reasons but a common purpose…at the heart (it) isn‘t really about suicide itself, it‘s more about what happens when you don‘t kill yourself…)

It was strangely coincidental that I decided to start this book last night. I was hoping to begin reading much earlier in the weekend --being a long holiday weekend and all. But family obligations kept me up and away from the book. I have this small group of students who read voraciously. 2-3 books a week. So, after much poking and fuss, I finally got This One out of Nate S.

It wasn’t until I arrived at work and read my email when I found out.
She killed herself. With a gun. Shot herself in the heart.
That was not part of the email. Nate was the one who told me.

Her teenage son, a student at my school, found her the morning after Thanksgiving.

It gets more complicated: She had been with my theatre students the previous day for dinner; showing little sign of distress. Just the usual blues. Divorced mother, 52, doctorate, stressful job at a prestigious school, YMCA regular. Who would have thought?

I lay in bed with my daughter while she drifted off to sleep, thinking about life and happiness. Why do we go on living? What is the point? The simple joys are so fleeting and under whelming; life is so monotonous and painful--why continue?
Well, because we have no choice. We must go on, despite all that haunts us, all the retribution and pain and suffering. Even after watching AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH and wondering will there be a place on this earth for my daughter 50 years from now?

I have hope. It’s not too late for happiness.

Sarah, wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy.

sex and the city....

I have a friend who recently started a myspace page. So she loves all the online quizzes. She also got me started on Sex and the City. So, I took this quiz. If you have ever seen the show or if you really know me, you know that this is a good fit.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

In other news, I am well.
Saw Gillian Welch the other night. The best show I have seen since Calexico. Better even. Also saw an intense play called Arrangement for Two Violas Heavy. Naked gay-acting sexy men onstage--two feet away. Yes, I am not kidding. Strange to see the father of a former student kissing another man right in front of you. Even stranger yet to be with a man you hardly know while this is happening. Who said life was uncomplicated?

I am between books and music--need a title, a theme.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I
am
so
glad
.

simplicity, remember?

Becky's Michael

Lilly and cousin Michael--the terrible two

The sun is streaming through the window giving me a false sense of time. It is almost 5p.m.
Been having nightmares the past few nights. A plane crash. A chase. A murder. Ex-boyfriends. Not sure what to do with it.
The start of a new cycle--a new semester?

I missed him yesterday, or at least thought of him. What does that mean?

"...and one for the road"

You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say...

Thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind
My bending your ear
But this torch that I found, It's gotta be drowned
Or it's gonna explode

Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

Gee, thanks Frank...or was it Billie who said it best?
I dunno.

November 5. Two years and two days since I blew the joint and started fresh. Still, it looms like it was yesterday. Bad memories usually do.

I am unusually calm for the season. I hate HATE the holidays.
Never used to. It just seems the family has become more and more a glorified ideal than a reality for me. Same with relationships, actually.

This time of year is tough for everyone who is single. But when people say that it reminds me of the same rhetoric I hear when people defend Shakespeare and why his works are still relevant today. The same tired response. Explain that to a mostly aliterate society who don't plan to vote this Tuesday. They are too busy shopping at Walmart.

I have "let go" of a few more hangers-on men. These are men who are not able to return calls, emails or common communication exchanges in a timely manner. These are men who when invited to an event they wait until the day of to text the woman and say they "feel bad but would not be good company..."
THEN! They drop a line randomly just to keep the poor woman hanging on but the exchange means nothing to him.
These are also men who are seeing someone, whether seriously or casually, and want to keep their options open. Disgusting. I want to call up the oblivious girlfriend and fill her in on the boyfriend's extra curricular flirting. That will stop the wedding planning right away. But not that I would know anything about this. Shit, it has never happened to me three times or more in the last year.

So what else? I need a project. I am currently bored and boring.
Time to change that. Do I sound bitter or jaded? Both, perhaps?
Good. At least I am transparent.
And you?

hallo'ween 2

more photos from tonight:

hallo'ween

a trying weekend. not sure if it is the time zone change or just everything else.

Don't answer that--I know it is everything else.
There has to be something more than this for me.
on a positive note:

THE INFORMATION is a great album.
And how are you?

"Action/Adventure"

...so when you think you’re on the fast track
you find it’s just a cul-de-sac back
in that adult lifestyle community
where all your little boys, your action toys are duty free

so i wonder what you got your persona for
cause there’s a 2-for-one down at the corner-store
and i wonder could ya pep it up a bit
you know throw a fit
you go ahead and dance
i’ll just sit

but if you think i’m wasting your time again
no, you’re wasting mine
when you’re playing for a prime-time dream
the c n b scene
now i’m just another split in your seam the i in your team...

Sometimes that is what it feels like for me. Today is one of those Sundays when it's freezing outside, cloudly and the only thing that sounds good is to bundle up under the covers.
I am playing the what-is-wrong-with-me game again in my head. Can't help it. It's so hard to be happy with myself when it seems no one else is.

Been reading Invisible Mosnters lately. Very disturbing book. Can't necessarily relate to the characters but the relationships I can.

Still hard to make it through Sunday.

fall pics

cheese Monday night

silly head Monday night

back porch

pasture view

"Pepita"-Instrumental fm. Feast of Wire

--Calexico

Feast of Wire is a great album. Check it out if you can (see previous post for web identification).
Some things you just don’t miss until they are gone. Fireplaces on cold Sunday afternoons, for instance. It’s freezing here--moody outside and I long for the smell of wood smoke and warm fire.

Other things I don’t miss at all: Messes made by others, beer bottles and hair in the shower, for instance.

What a sacrifice we must make for complete bliss, isn’t it? A friend of mine would call these concerns of luxury. And I do see Tony’s point, I do. But sometimes the beer bottles became much more than clutter.

I am ok today. Blame the weather, blame the change in seasons, blame the moon…still a part of me deep down groans and cries as the leaves blow and crunch around me. It is all too much for me.

Standing with both feel planted is marvelous. Problem is, I’ve never known this sensation. While brushing my teeth I thought of you. Thought, “if only he had met me now…”

Honestly, it would have made little difference.

Acquaintances sidle up to me and ask, “So are you dating anyone?”
You can see they are afraid to ask but dying to know.
“No,” is the standard, honest reply.

Guess I'm not ready for the rest stop yet.

guess who?

Musings and Strange Geometry

Leaving came to us just like a song
A dull geometry of lawns
The sense that you are still a stranger
But we were born to fade away
Like light looking sideways into life
There is no reason we should stay here
-Fm. Geometry of Lawns (The Clientele)

Things I am thinking about today:

*While catching up with a dear old friend yesterday, he stated that men are basically like goldfish: they have two basic needs-- food and sex. When I mentioned that I was not looking for Mr. Right, he said that I must not be ready…”I mean do you pull off at a rest stop when you don’t have to use the rest room?”
Bruce is a person I am glad to have in my corner.

*Music is really happening right now. There are 5 (new) albums I must have:
Yo La Tengo (I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass)
Beck (The Information)
Calexico (Feast of Wire) that one isn’t so new..Great show last Sunday!
Carrie Rodriguez (7 Angels on a Bicycle)
The Decemberists (The Crane Wife)


*I was inspired by Lotus that swept through Bloomington this weekend. The vibe in town was festive and mellow. Under the full Aries Harvest Moon the pulse was impressive.

* Today I attended a ceremony for a friend who lost her battle to cancer in September. She wanted to return home for the final days, (Olympia WA) so my friends (Gaylah’s son) Ari and Karen had the memorial service back here for her Bloomington family. It was amazing to witness how many people had been touched by Gaylah. She was one of those people whom you may only speak to for an hour, but she will stay with you forever.

*I am reminded again that there are some people in my small circle that choose not to be straight with me. When confronted, they ignore my questions, they make excuses for not spending quality time, they cross me off the “to do” list. Others ask me why do even bother trying to maintain friendships with people like this?
‘Well, “ I sigh and say,” people need lots of chances to figure it out, “ and I add,“ Patience is important.”

* You know when talking to someone whether they have been around a few times. I know a few old souls. Lucky for me, I am old too. When you meet an old soul the conversation changes drastically. There is a mutual understanding and intensity that comes as you look deeply into each other eyes and see the soul. When you meet a like soul, your sense of timing changes and there is a warmth that passes through your whole body. I (re)met a few old souls this weekend. Ever happen to you?

*In addition to PASTE Magazine, which I would love to subscribe, I found a new magazine today that looks fascinating: ADBUSTERS Strange stories. Sad but inspiring. Check it out.


So that’s me lately. Did I mention that fall is a difficult season for me? Ask me, and I’ll tell you why.

I'm back...or was I ever there to start?

like mother, like daughter

taken Sunday, October 1, 2006


While walking out with my boss last week, she commented on how different I was this year. "You seem so vibrant, grounded.."
I smiled and said, "Yes, I am back."

To be honest, I am better than I ever have been. The old me was such a different person than who I am now. Was I really ever there to start? Needless to say, things are good. Finally, at 36 1/2, things are great.


Lilly and I took a long walk today to "the forest". We explored and found mushrooms, 2 deer, an assortment of wild native flowers and spider webs.
I thought to myself of a few men that I know who spend too much time at work. I could say this about myself in my past life, but I felt sorry for them.

I wouldn't give up this time for any promotion, for any trip to a foreign country.

Life must be a balance. I think I have finally figured that part out.
Now, back to Lilly...

Indiana Summer

Occasionally in life things happen that cause ones insides to be ripped wide open. The loss of someone close, whether to death or divorce, the trauma of a horrific car accident where one has survived, flashbacks for vets of war, for instance all come to mind.
This weekend, I had an experience that will definitely go on the list . I hope a similar occurrence will never again happen to me, to my daughter, or to my friends and their children who were involved.
I will preface this simply by saying there is nothing worse than watching your child suffer or to hear your child scream in excruciating pain. Far worse when there is little you can do it make it stop….

Saturday noon. Indian Summer. Beautiful Indiana weather. What sounds like fun? Taking your child to Karst Farm Park to watch your high school soccer team play with several other teachers and their same-aged children. And it was delightful for the few minutes of swinging and climbing and running through the trees.
Unfortunately with Indian Summer also comes a host of bees and wasps, hornets and yellow jackets trying to make the best of the warm days until they are killed off by the first frost.

I think you see where this is going.

The yellow jackets started stinging Ben, the oldest of the children first. His mother began swatting, as the rest of us processed what was happening. And as if in slow-motion our reaction times were slow.
My Lilly was next, stung on her back, and then covered with the jackets, in her jeans, her hair, her arm was stung next and she was hysterical. We moved away from the area but they followed, stinging her again on the wrist. It was a strange dance, we trying to protect our children and as we shook, and swatted, it seemed to make matters worse. I was also stung at least once--who knows after--as the adrenaline kicked in, I found it hard to feel anything. I remember my daughter repeating “I want to go home I want to go home..” over in over as the Yellow Jackets attacked.

She didn’t want to go outside after that. To be honest, I didn’t either. And every itch or unusual sensation on my skin or in my clothes, I begin savagely swatting myself. I double check my drinks, step cautiously through the grass and always wear my shoes.

We won’t be going back to Karst Farm for some time. Well, not until it freezes over.

“Nice Guys Don’t Necessarily Finish Last, But He Who Hesitates is Lost”

I started my study of what we’ll call Female Seeking Male a few sordid years ago. I like to call them The Lost Years. Even so, I was well-schooled by friends, therapists, doctors, colleagues and bartenders on the do’s and don’ts of the subject.

I read the books: The Rules, How NOT to do The Rules, Finding True Love, Embracing Solitary Life, The Single Mom’s Survival Guide to Dating, on and on…

I even started a club with a few women friends who were recently in a similar place with their love lives. We called ourselves The Divorced Wives Club. Each of us had different circumstances, but all interesting and worth a biography, no doubt. I swore over many glasses of wine and laughter and tears that I would someday commit the stories to print and sell the rights to a Battered Women’s Shelter.
“This book is dedicated to THE DIVORCED WIVES CLUB"

So much for a prologue.

I have had varied experience with men. My favorites are the spontaneous times when they share what they are truly feeling, something more than, “Oh Right There Baby.”

So, in the mixed messages that I have read, the grandmotherly advice instilled and the submissive role I was brought up to play, how am I to go about finding Mr. Right, or more appropriately stated, Mr. Right Now?

Rejection, Ignoring the topic at hand, Moving to far-way states, Not answering messages--this is the way 99.5% of the men I meet respond to me. I am starting to wonder if I am a "But-her-face" Girl. (NOTE: If you don't know about this term, it means everything is just right, but her face is ugly.)
And I swear I am not a stalker. I just expect a straight answer from men and it seems they are unable to share that with me. WHY?


My best girlfriend has a similar problem, but the other side of the coin. She can’t keep the men away. She is as forward and daring as me, perhaps a little less, but is certainly more accessible.
I say that she is Ginger and I am Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island

It seems no one is interested in Mary Ann these days. And it is killing me.

"In My Sky At Twilight"

In my sky at twilight you are like a cloud
and your form and colour are the way I love them.
You are mine, mine,(wo)man with sweet lips
and in your life my infinite dreams live
-P. N.

Tonight is the first time in months that I have opened the windows and let the cool evening air in. As I lie in bed, the wind sounds reminiscent of waves crashing on the shore outside my cabana in distant Playa del Carmen.
The night is peaceful, with only the sounds of buglife and wind to accompany my reading. I am content, under the down comforter and countless pillows.

I meditate on my friend out east. I picture his kind face and hands, his laugh and voice. I smile and turn off the light, waiting for the hushed sounds to lull me to sleep.

"how soon is now"

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Too close to home this time

"I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately."
-Adaptation

While lost in thought driving this evening, I managed to notice three cars pass me at a stop light. In the evening light the drivers in each car reflected the faces of three women, all older than me; their faces were diffused but captured like photographs in different stages of ageing. They were alone in their vehicles.

At that moment I said to myself, women are by nature ill-fated (is that even a word?). We always outlive the men we choose. Men typcially have a shorter life span. I wondered as I waited for the light, if those women were widows.

The light changed, and my mind continued on the subject. Yeah, but we are survivors. We were built to outlast any trauma, any horror, any complication-- we must carry on the race. We can withstand the worst and will outlive our counterparts. This thought took me to my old residence. I stopped by to feed the last of the surviving pets--a female cat named Francis. Reuben was put down one week ago today.

After my dealings with Francis, I opted to visit Reuben in the backyard, a shallow grave was dug in a place I requested, hoping it would not be festooned with weeds come late fall. Unfortunately, it was gathering serious moss, and I bent down to pull the weeds from his final resting place.

His grave seemed bloated, as if his decaying body underneath had ballooned in size, and the only thing keeping him from scratching the surface were the heavy boulders placed on top to keep rodents away.

Much to my surprise, I wept and for a long time over his grave. It must have been a release of all thing that were buried with that cat and the dying relationship with one man..I don't know.

After I collected myself, I returned to the car, noticing my phone had a message.
It was rare for me to receive messages, and I chuckled to myself, finding it ironic that I left the phone for 10 minutes and, go figure, someone called.

It was my mom. Her voice was strange and distorted as she started. My immediate thought was that my great aunt of 86 was dead. I have been anticipating that call for a few months now. But instead, it WAS a death--only closer to home. My neighbor--our neighbor of 25+ years was dead. He was 67 years old.
My mother was sobbing on the line as I tried to make sense of the message, how did it what did it when did it, what about...I cannot believe it. Upon calling back, the only thing I recall is the choking, familial sound of my mother saying of Judy, the surviving widow, "... the hardest thing was saying goodbye to him..."

I think for my mom it was her first real jolt of mortality. And it scared the shit out of her.

Now, standing in my kitchen, I wait for pending autopsy news, funeral and wake announcements and consider how in the world I will soothe my parents as they recognize the fragility and fleeting-ness of their lives.

Life's lessons are hard. Glad the last few years have taught me coping mechanisims for the unimaginable because, it seems, that the unimaginable is here.

"This charming man", Adaptation and Kaufman

Punctured bicycle
On a hillside desolate
Will nature make a man of me yet ?

When in this charming car
This charming man

Why pamper life's complexity
When the leather runs smooth
On the passenger seat ?

I would go out tonight
But I haven't got a stitch to wear
This man said "it's gruesome
That someone so handsome should care"

Ah ! A jumped-up pantry boy
Who never knew his place
He said "return the ring"
He knows so much about these things
He knows so much about these things



On my last day of vacation I am watching Adaptation again. Have not seen this is so long. I cannot believe how much this movie resonates with me.

And Charlie Kaufman...well, on a much smaller scale.
Think I will go back to the old house and pull weeds.

"Country Mile"

Silver Birch against a Swedish sky
The singer in the band made me want to cry
We’re all inside our own heads now
We are leaving new friends
We are leaving this town
I wish you could be here with me
I would show you off like a trophy
The road it winds, it twists, it turns, now my stomach burns

Once again I’ll be the foolish one
Thinking a blink of these lashes would make you come
Don’t you worry, don’t get in a state
I don’t believe in true love anyway
Who’s being pessimistic now?
I could document this as our first and our last row
The more you look forlorn, the more to you I warm

I won’t be seeing you for a long while
I hope it’s not as long as a country mile
I feel lost
Camera Obscura fm. Let's get out of this country

Been a strange few days for me. Must be the waxing moon that is making life twisted. I am trying to get myself back into work mode. Been pouring over articles and plays while organizing my room. I'm definitely not where I need to be. Fortunately, I have another week to prepare.

I am still bewildered by the opposite sex. I think I am destined to be alone. The worst for me is not having someone to say goodnight.

Music has been a sancutary for me. I spent gas money on 2 new albums, Camera Obscura and The Evangelicals. Lots of music coming to Bloomington, including Calixco in September.

Must get back to work. Hope you are well.

"April Come She Will"

April come she will
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain
May she will stay
Resting in my arms again
June she'll change her tune
In restless walks she'll prowl the night
July she will fly
And give no warning to her flight
August die she must
The autumn winds blow chilly and cold
September I remember
A love once new has now grown old

I spent some time with Reuben (see below) today. I have to take him in on Saturday. I hope I can be strong enough to do this. I will miss him.

bridge

I need a bridge in this city of rivers
I need a bridge to run across, my face wide open
and nothing holding back in my heart
It would be wide enough for two
It could be wide enough for you
on the other side.

I woke several times last night. And morning came too early.
It was the deadly combination of too much vodka, ongoing nightmares, and sleeping in a foreign bed that made for light sleep. Well, that and going to bed late and a little sad.
7:05a.m.
I was cold so I stumbled across the hardwood floor and put on my running garb and went for the door.
The Saturday morning was still, no bustle of workers out to beat the rush. Outside, the overcast sky and mist lay heavy on my lungs, I struggled to see the end of the street.

Being so close to the Monon, I was thankful that I didn't have to travel far to start my meditations.
Once on the pavement, my mind began to unravel the incessant talk. The Monon allows for endless mile after straight mile of release.
I pounded and felt my bones pop in their usual places as the concrete absorbed the blow of each footfall.

The first mile was for me being stupid and vulnerable.

The second mile was for building the wall around myself again.

The third mile was regaining my empowerment and not giving it away to those not worthy of me.

The fourth was for those who don't have the discipline or ability to do this.

I walked the rest, exhausted and purged.


Watched two movies tonight that made sense: Stepmom and Somethings Gotta Give.
Good stuff.
Strange, when you run into your ex-husband when you are both out of town and the chance meeting turns into 30 minutes of talking. It is friendly, comfortable, nice.

I am lonely. This is temporary. Don't make me feel this way...

A strong gust

This morning I was emotionally charged and knew the only way to work through it was to run. I made my way to the cinder, pine tree-lined track, breathing deeply through my belly, my head and heart full and ready to run.
And it was strange, I started to feel this pull. I was trapped between running like hell from my demons and yet frantically chasing my dreams. I was caught in this swirling, colorful tug-of-war within myself. The run was a three miler and I didn't feel anything for most of it. Still, I walked away relieved, drenched with sweat and possiblity.

Funny how being in a state of complacent calm and tranquility can be so easily upset---how kind words can easily disrupt my equilibrium. I am still reeling from the simplest of gestures and need to learn how to process them in a more balanced way. Kindness, I have found, doesn't come often enough to gage how I will consistently respond. I just know I never react the way I would like to..

One of these days I will figure it out.
Until then, I remain the same--waiting for the gust to blow me over.

kimono

Lilly in her new suit...

letting go...and then some

hi.
It has been a strange few days.
I took out a loan to pay off my lawyer, credit card and part of my school loan. All stuff I don't see-only feel.
Today I discussed putting my cat Reuben down. I think we will both go in to the vet. I can't imagine this will be a happy time. Strange that his life is dependent upon someone else's schedule. I am so sad, as I have had Reuben since I started teaching. He is about 15.
Today I have been utterly useless in the world. I returned library materials, made copies, checked my email and that is about it.

I want to go get my cat, but am afraid he will pee on everything.
And it's 95 degrees outside.

I started a grocery list, since I didn't want to forget anything. But have not been to the store in so long I need just about everything needed to start up housekeeping.

I have decided to go off the pill, as my pms has gotten progressively worse, and frankly, I have not had sex to make it worth my precautionary while.
Shit, I can put the ten dollars a month toward toilet paper and kleenex.

Hope you are fucking well.


Rain has finally hit Bloomington. I should not be on the computer--as it is an electrical storm. Bah!

I wanted to post some pictures of our new pets. We bought frogs today. She named hers "Superfrog" Mine is "Sigmond".





Also, some shots of coy and a family of geese at Oliver Winery. Enjoy.

"Too Many Names"

...It is so long, spring
which goes on all winter.
Time lost its shoes.
A year is four centuries...

fm. P. Neruda's "Too Many Names"

It has been cloudy here for an entire week. It reminds me of London, only much more humid and uncomfortable. I can't stand it.

I am listening to Bill Frisell: a banjo, guitar and bass trio called The Willies. Perfect for today.

Isn't it strange the moment you realize someone you thought would be fun to date turns out to be no-so-much? He sits across from me most mornings at SOMA. But I feel like we are always struggling for things to say. Never a good sign.
Another bad sign, he will talk to me when I am not with Lilly--if she is there, he ignores me. So, he will remain 'Tim' from the coffee shop.

I've been pouring over the trip itinerary for next year's Europe trip. I closed my eyes and could see it clearly. Italy is going to be new territory for me. That should be exciting. I am looking forward to Normandy as well.

The other day I slept for 12 hours. No reason-- just never woke up.
What is wrong with me?

fm. the good body

metal attraction

my sweet love

Candid Carolyn

mother-to-be Bec

Funny. Becky said, "I am not embarassed. Go ahead," When I took that shot.
I tried to tell her being pregnant was something to enjoy, as it will happen once, maybe twice in your lifetime.

She wasn't having it. Right now Becky was uncomfotable and felt huge.
She looked lovely.

I was never pregnant in the hot summer months. Well, the early stages of pregnancy--Mid July-August I didn't even know I was pregnant. In fact, I trained and did a tri-athalon while 1 month pregnant. No wonder Lilly is constantly moving.

Our pregnancies are worlds apart. But finally, I feel there is something I can share with my sister--motherhood.

I spent some time in the library today. Wasn't sure what I was looking for, really.
Plays--ideas for next season.

EVE ENSLER-- THE GOOD BODY...ok, saw the Vagina Monologues. Done too much at the university. They are trying to make a statement.
So I curled up at my local winebar (waiting on a friend who bailed on me) and read the entire play.
Decided I need to buy copies for my sisters and my mom.

It's a good book. Not even a play, really. YOU should read it.
ISBN # 0-375-50284-X

Must close--it is late.
Hope you are well. Ciao.