anticipating canyon solitude

It is raining outside and for me that means it is the perfect time to be inside writing or reading..or both. ABOUT ME: I have to be outside and active when the sun is shining-- and so on days when it isn't, I don't feel guilt for staring at a computer screen for a few hours. For those who dislike humidity, heat, and sun-you probably think I am nuts. But get me outside in virtually nothing with 85+ degrees every day and I am a happy girl.

I had a wonderful time driving down south through underground railroad country. I am still enamored by the Indiana landscape and the old farms and fields that stretch for miles and miles. Sometimes you come across amazing finds--like an old Eleutherian college, or discover an old musty guitar shop and play 1955 and 1963 Gibson guitars, or best of all, go skinny dipping in the cool Clifty Falls on long slabs of rock while drinking hard cider and half hoping we get busted by a park ranger. My idea of a perfect summer day.



I have a friend that enjoys so many of the same things I do. Friends like this are rare and a real treasure. Our zest for life and thrill-seeking adventure always makes for good spontanious times...some of the best times I have had. And yesterday was definitely up there as a day well-spent. Thanks, my friend for being a true best pal.

So, the trip is fast-approaching and I am, as usual, not quite ready. Ready in terms of needing to go, yes. But before I leave for a trip, I find that if I don't do the mental prep prior to takeoff, I get anxious and have to do serious catch up on the plane.

I found a few books on the canyon and have been reading. This one book in particular, by Patricia C. McCarien called Canyon Solitude: A woman's solo river journey through Grand Canyon has been a great pre-trip read. Chapter 9 entitled "The Center", in particular struck a chord with me. I wanted to write down some of her words here:


"...If logic ruled, this moment would be pervaded with loneliness. But my loneliness has nothing to do with solitude. In solutitde, especially the solitude of nature, I am complete. Rivers, lakes, trees, rocks and grand vistas of mountains or deserts, plains, or sea, fill me with abundance. No, my loneliness always grows from disconnection: feeling undesireable or unwanted by a man I desire, feeling out of place in a particular environment, or feeling inadequate in some incomprehensible way that reminds me of my emotional vulnerability.
With sudden clarity, I realize that loneliness is the absence of love in one's life. Not idealized love, but loving oneself. I'm lonely when I'm out of harmony with myself...." p. 181, McCairen

arms open; palms out

Billy Bragg Lyrics
Someday, Some Morning, Sometime Lyrics
wow whee.
It is summer and it has been the easiest transition on record for me. Been doing lots of fun stuff and embracing my idle time. The mind is still active and contemplating big change for me and the inner work continues.

The insane flooding and storms that have left south central Indiana paralyzed have been a reminder to me that stuff is really not important. I hear talk from family and friends about basements being flooded and costing thousands of dollars, never putting stuff in cardboard boxes for storage, how much the running cost of a blower is per hour, etc. and I am glad that #1 I live on a hill and out of a flood plane and #2 that I have very little at this point to lose.
I did have yet another run in with computer bullshit-- and here's how the story goes:

After living without internet at home for a year, I decided to splurge for the summer and get it at home.
Day 1 Scheduled appt., Guy came over, tried to download antivirus package--no go. HUGE STORM knocking out power for hours. FUCK.
Day 2 turn on computer COMPUTER INFECTED WITH VIRUSES unfortnuately, the internet WON'T START
growl..i hate technology...
so, my 3rd time losing everything on the computer. LESSON LEARNED-- who cares? it's just music and files and pictures.
Make more music.
Make more memories.
Keep writing.


oh yeah--and the abigail washburn and sparrow queartet show at the bird sunday was incredible. great musicians--great music.




If you are reading this, I hope you are well. I think of you often.