"Blue and Wonder"

The downtown lights looked so beautiful last night with the snow falling. My little town was abandoned--and I could slink along, occasionally sqinting my eyes to make the christmas lights blur into a mess of light and color all around me.

It's nice to know what I am doing for New Year's Eve. I hate the dreaded holiday, especially since I don't spend much time with other people these days...
so 10 pm chanting and meditation, a sleep over and cold shower with almond oil followed by 3:45 am Sadhana. May the longtime sun shine upon you!

and finally..hitting home lyrics from the 1999 Bloomed album:

i've been stunned
and I've been turned
i've been undone and burned
i saw you as the answer to
years of blue and wonder
your voice shakes me through
but you don't know what I might be
you haven't seen the worst of me
but when your eyes move up I'm silent

**so put your arms around me
and pull your mouth up to mine
and what's that word
i forget sometimes
it's the one that means
the love has left your eyes

i'm thinking now when I first knew
i was lying with a stranger
you were curled up with a paper
in your little SOMA room
the telephone was pouring blue
and when I hung up with you
i was sick and sad and wished I had
a kiss to bring you over
**

i'm wondering of you now
and what happened to you
i remember words
that were said and sighed and written
but I hear things, you know
i hear the bottle broke us down
but not a word from you yet
and there's things that
even a drunk will never forget
**

I first heard the album at SOMA (how appropriate) and asked Irine, the coffeeshop girl, who the artist was...that was two years ago.

Most of my records went back to tracks for a resell my annual purging--and I remember pausing while holding this one before putting it back in the shelves. This was my favorite song. "Gauzy Dress" always had me thinking about pretty, young, flirty girls with long brown hair--none of which I am, so feeling yucky and inadequate I would usually fwd through that track. SAT-NAM And so it goes. And so it goes. Sat-Nam.

silk p.js

It's 9:15 a.m. and I am still in my silk jammies. From my window I can see my neighbors venturing out one by to excavate their cars. I can see them shiver and curse. The process takes each person about 10 minutes. Usually by this time in the morning I am already gone--to work or town. I hate sitting around at home. It's nice to see who lives above or below me--even if they are completely bundled up and faceless.

But today was different. I stayed in bed listening to cars crawling along the highway, occasionally that one car does a tailspin and the driver continues that pointless spinning wheel thing-y, digging himself deeper into a snowbank.

*Since I wasn't working yesterday, I was able to witness the parinoia of pre-snow storm blues strike the innocent people of Bloomington. It never fails, anyone with a television or radio click into "it's the end of the world" mode and have to buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread just in case. It cracks me up. I guess they forget that pizza CAN be delivered.

*= SIDE NOTE
While listening to public radio, my favorite lispy dj announced that the roads were terrible and we should stay inside unless totally necessary. Ha. Tell that to the idiot stranded outside my apartment.

It does look mighty purty out there. Wish I had a sled and a big husky dog...and maybe a strong companion..no matter.

I missed the solstice party last night. Decided that I would wait for the snow, watch a movie, sit in the tub and read until pruny, which is just what I did. I am sure the mandolins and banjos were fired up-- maybe next time.

I have overdosed on my music and picked up James for shits and giggles...some good stuff but not something I can play all the way through without skipping a few tunes. Also while killing time in town I hung around Howards to pet the kitties and found some cheap old classic Ella Fitz. Man, that girl could sing.

"the promise"

I just finished watching Napolian Dynamite this sond was in the closing credits: Talk about flashback..

The Promise Lyrics
Artist: When In Rome
Album: The Promise

If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end, I'll always be there.
But when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around, and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

When your day is through, and so is your temper,
You know what to do, I'm gonna always be there.
Sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended.
These words just come out, with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I need to tell you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will. I will. I will.

winter solstice

As you hear of me, so think of me.
I kiss your hand, and so I leave you. Farewell.."
Much Ado About Nothing, Benedick, Act IV, scene ii

Today is the winter solstice and it is going to snow starting at midnight. Could we ask for anything more? Ok, there is that Peace on Earth thing..

Not sure what to write today--I am feeling so disconnected from others. I've been thinking seriously about finding another job for many reasons. I am to the point where I feel that I have to hide out, that having a voice and an opposing opinion, that going against the majority gets me put out like the cat. So, I rebel, trying to stand up for myself, and it just makes everything worse. Not to mention I have no one at work that I feel comfortable just being with noone I can be myself around--the rest ignore me and now they think I am a real freak.

When everything has been stripped from you, everything that matters, it makes you seriously do some reprioritizing. Take away my work, my purpose, friends,take away my family, take away my pride, even my sanity--what is there? The alienation I feel at work is just beyond uncomfortable; beyond bearable anymore. I am a fighter--but this one, this one, I just don't know if it's worth the fight.

So I am thinking of you all but I know you don't care, or don't want to know. I have a heart and a soul. I have feelings. I will always love you--unconditionally.

Man of the Year..Again?

Not Again
Who is on the committee for selecting the (wo)Man of the year anyway?

Can't help but wonder about the progress of my show and all the events leading up to its hasty takeover. It hurts. I feel expendable and insignificant. And while I think this time has been helpful in some ways, it has been harmful in others.

I know it is out of my control. You can tell that to my head. I just wish someone could explain it to my heart.