may day

Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and shirt
How'd I end up feeing so bad
For such a little girl

And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
Las cienega just smiled... "see ya around"
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye

"Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's off with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La cienega just smiles and says, I'll see you around" ryan adams

I woke with a start this morning. It was about 2:10am. For the next two hours, while my girl slept next to me, my thoughts drifted from topic to topic. It's May day.
I used to love May--warm temps, school winding down, outside recreation, and the city was mine again. But the last two years, it has been a struggle. I hate that mid-may also marks the anniversary of the end to several important relationships for me.
Last year I tried to start fresh with also signing the papers to my own home on the week of the same. The dealings of moving, painting, remodeling and the loose ends of the entire production took the focus away from the pain from year's past when I signed those divorce papers.

So we move on...and as the hours passed last night, I realized how sad and lonely I have been this year. Just like a low grade fever that keeps you slightly off, I have felt this way for months and months.
I can count on one hand the times I felt happy. Not blissful. But content with things. Was this a direct reflection of how I felt about myself? Was it circumstantial? Had I been holding on to something I knew was transatory but not allowing myself to digest it?

It has made me angry. bitter. resentful. totally untrusting of everyone. hateful. pissed off. cynical. jaded. done. I am hurt. I am done.

And now the words that Clint used to utter while drinking his vodka tonic in a mason jar ring clearly in my ears--moreso now than ever: all relationships are doomed.
Maybe the wounds are still fresh and I am just ridiculously emotional. Maybe the collected days and months of burying feelings have finally found their way to the surface. I don't know. I just know I don't like the way I am feeling. And it has to stop now.

I am so looking forward to getting out of this holding pattern that has been my life. In a matter of weeks I hope to transform from a stupid crysalysis into a butterfly and man, I am gonna fly fly away.

weekend musings

He was too good to me.
How will I get along now?
So close he stood to me.
Everything seems all wrong now.
He would have brought me the sun.
Making me smile, that was his fun.

When I was mean to him
He'd never say, "Go away, now."
I was a queen to him.
Who's gonna light my way now?
It's only natural that I'm blue.
He was too good to be true.