people rarely do nice things for each other anymore. well, except at christmas--and that is usually so over-the-top-goodwill-cheese that it makes me bitter.
Why such a change is here? What says you my love?
often times as a teacher i am asked to make decisions--split second decisions that will dramatically affect someone else's life or path forever. yesterday in my haste to make 20 people happy i sacrificed the feelings of one. one whom i love dearly. it is hard to know how to tell her that i couldn't be more sorry, that it was a hasty judgment, and that i wish it could have been different.
unfortunately i can't. i just wish she knew how sorry i am.
***last night I sat with a friend at a local coffee house and bitched about work and life in general. she has been put through the ringer and has just cause to complain. we cling to each other if, for nothing else, someone to say, we can make it through this shit.
i have been trying to get through a movie called waking life . it has an interesting concept, but i find myself opting for sleep instead of entertainment.
another weekend is here. why can't i be a cicada and just bury myself deep underground for seventeen years?
10/29/2004
10/28/2004
tutto
A student whom I love came by to talk today. He, for some reason, seems to get shit out of me that no one else does. Today it was my father going under the knife, his clogged aorta, my mother's guity-laden conversation and her "keep him in your prayers" attitude. I didn't have the strength to tell her I haven't talked to God in some time.
So, the conversation turned to things we enjoyed doing in our limited free time. I told him I didn't know. He laughed.
"What did you do on your day off last week?"
"I worked until 6."
"Oh."
I went back to playing the bass plugged in and hot.
The most horrific physical pain I have felt since I birthed my child has been with me this week. Reactions to meds are never fun, especially when they leave enormous blisters on your tongue and hard and soft palate and make you cry out in stabbing debilitating pain. Eating has been impossible; talking is unpleasant. The only thing that seems to pacify is ice.
Today has been bearable. I got to thinking that just when you think you have felt your worst, something else crops up to tell you otherwise. I feel like Jesus on the freaking cross.
Maybe I should take up prayer?
So, the conversation turned to things we enjoyed doing in our limited free time. I told him I didn't know. He laughed.
"What did you do on your day off last week?"
"I worked until 6."
"Oh."
I went back to playing the bass plugged in and hot.
The most horrific physical pain I have felt since I birthed my child has been with me this week. Reactions to meds are never fun, especially when they leave enormous blisters on your tongue and hard and soft palate and make you cry out in stabbing debilitating pain. Eating has been impossible; talking is unpleasant. The only thing that seems to pacify is ice.
Today has been bearable. I got to thinking that just when you think you have felt your worst, something else crops up to tell you otherwise. I feel like Jesus on the freaking cross.
Maybe I should take up prayer?
10/25/2004
on a blue background, venus shines
this morning the stars were so clear against the midnight blue sky. I love morning skies. They change so quickly, too.
so glad it's monday. even though there were distractions this weekend, i absolutely hate them. always stressful, lonely, exhausting. and there is no place to call sanctuary. I am just reminded of where i SHOULD be, what I SHOULD be doing (or more specifically cleaning), what i SHOULD be preparing for next week. when i do actually take some time for me, guilt settles in. my time is limited to a few fleeting hours, the timeclock clicking away the minutes, reminding me that for every hour of freedom, there is a price that must be paid.
I am currently stuck in the 12th house and have been for about a month. the 12th house is the lowest time of year for most people. mine happens to fall in what is usually considered the best, most beautiful and romantic time. bah--
needless to say, I am spinning serious wheel again. no time to read, study or do anything that remotely resembles who i am or what i feel. it's just stuck in there--like a crucible--waiting to dispel its contents, searching for that point of catharsis, the gasping breath after being emerged in water too long, the cracked window...
this song made me cry this a.m. sad but true.
some people will remain at arm's reach.
"Spanish Dancer"
****
Oh mama when you were a young girl
Did you ever love a man so much
As if he were some fantastic jewel
That you should never be worthy of
But all those illusions strip and fall
And he is just a man after all
And just like that Spanish dancer
I throw my roses down for him
Across these beds of darkness
He opens his arms and gathers them in
Just like that Spanish dancer
I throw my rose down for him
Across these beds of darkness
He opens his arms and gathers them in
*** Patti Scialfa
so glad it's monday. even though there were distractions this weekend, i absolutely hate them. always stressful, lonely, exhausting. and there is no place to call sanctuary. I am just reminded of where i SHOULD be, what I SHOULD be doing (or more specifically cleaning), what i SHOULD be preparing for next week. when i do actually take some time for me, guilt settles in. my time is limited to a few fleeting hours, the timeclock clicking away the minutes, reminding me that for every hour of freedom, there is a price that must be paid.
I am currently stuck in the 12th house and have been for about a month. the 12th house is the lowest time of year for most people. mine happens to fall in what is usually considered the best, most beautiful and romantic time. bah--
needless to say, I am spinning serious wheel again. no time to read, study or do anything that remotely resembles who i am or what i feel. it's just stuck in there--like a crucible--waiting to dispel its contents, searching for that point of catharsis, the gasping breath after being emerged in water too long, the cracked window...
this song made me cry this a.m. sad but true.
some people will remain at arm's reach.
"Spanish Dancer"
****
Oh mama when you were a young girl
Did you ever love a man so much
As if he were some fantastic jewel
That you should never be worthy of
But all those illusions strip and fall
And he is just a man after all
And just like that Spanish dancer
I throw my roses down for him
Across these beds of darkness
He opens his arms and gathers them in
Just like that Spanish dancer
I throw my rose down for him
Across these beds of darkness
He opens his arms and gathers them in
*** Patti Scialfa
10/24/2004
emmylou-hoo
emmylou. an amazing show, an amazing talent.
and buddy miller was the perfect harmony for her vocals. they move in time.
must close and make some music of my own.
got hooked into Springsteen's Nebraska, Gillian Welch and Patti Scalifa this weekend--
good stuff.
tell me, sweet sweet moon, what does the week have in store for me?
and buddy miller was the perfect harmony for her vocals. they move in time.
must close and make some music of my own.
got hooked into Springsteen's Nebraska, Gillian Welch and Patti Scalifa this weekend--
good stuff.
tell me, sweet sweet moon, what does the week have in store for me?
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