So, it is the last day of work for me for a few months. I always have trouble on this day. I think I write the same damn thing every year...
After 230 when I turn off the lights, lock the door and walk down the quiet hallway by myself to my car....what then? It is frightening. I am terrified for a few days-- certain that I am supposed to be somewhere. Yet, the possibilities are endless and I have trouble knowing which choice to make.
The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of
You out there for rent
Sadly, I seem to keep making the wrong ones.
A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,
You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you wont win here tonight,
So the house is bought, painted and moved in. Next week its health issues and surgery and the Living Will. Then continuing education stuff the week after. I need to start making some choices and stop dragging my feet. I am trying to give myself some credit for handling all of this solo--still isn't that what everyone does?
You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,
And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,
I should be looking ahead with excitement to the Eurpoe trip. I just can't wrap my head around the idea yet. Perhaps when I am under the knife I will dream of it vividly. I suppose I am feeling jaded, unsatisfied, unchallenged and uncomfortable in my own skin. Not the best combination. I think I mask too many feelings with anger. It was an old Freud concept--using anger as a smoke screen for the real truth. What is my real inner truth?
ok--got to get back to grading...... then on to new beginnings--new faces and places. godspeed!
But, you've won one too many fights,
Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time.
