"Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
12/29/2008
12/27/2008
12/14/2008
my longstanding love affair
It is 45 degrees and rainy outside on a gloomy Sunday in December.
Most folks would be starting a fire in their main rooms, curling up to a good book, their significant other or football game...
But days like these make me restless. Depressed even.
So I find my most devoted friend.
We have been through much together--listened to my rantings and sobs; my pity parties and my personal triumphs.
Still, battered from a year of daily abuse, I reach for them.
We know each other intimately. The miles we have covered, the hours of road and cinder and YMCA trauma...
I am talking about my favorite pair of running shoes.
Sure, I got a new pair, but they just don't feel the same. If you are a runner maybe you can relate to my story:
So, today I fished the old pair out of my closet (My Achilles Heel: I cannot throw out running shoes or bathing suits), put on the running garb, and made a 3-mile trek across the usual trails. Ahhh..the soggy, puddle laden track. I curse having to side step the mess and lose my stride in the process...It's not the same as summer. I usually retire my outside routine until Mid March-or early April. But today I HAD to go.
There has been too much crap recently that the only way I find absolute clarity is to do a road run. It's a lot like confession, honestly. And as I move along, the only thing I feel present is my mind. Putting Thoreau (or was it Emerson who spoke of the head?) aside, The body below is long gone--the legs, feet, arms, chest...I feel nothing but what I am currently working through at the time. I am a talking head.
When I stop moving, I am light headed (and still am 20 minutes later) and slightly frost burned. My throat is raw and my knees scream at me.
But the time was well worth it. I love my old running shoes.
They help me through even the worst of times.
Most folks would be starting a fire in their main rooms, curling up to a good book, their significant other or football game...
But days like these make me restless. Depressed even.
So I find my most devoted friend.
We have been through much together--listened to my rantings and sobs; my pity parties and my personal triumphs.
Still, battered from a year of daily abuse, I reach for them.
We know each other intimately. The miles we have covered, the hours of road and cinder and YMCA trauma...
I am talking about my favorite pair of running shoes.
Sure, I got a new pair, but they just don't feel the same. If you are a runner maybe you can relate to my story:
So, today I fished the old pair out of my closet (My Achilles Heel: I cannot throw out running shoes or bathing suits), put on the running garb, and made a 3-mile trek across the usual trails. Ahhh..the soggy, puddle laden track. I curse having to side step the mess and lose my stride in the process...It's not the same as summer. I usually retire my outside routine until Mid March-or early April. But today I HAD to go.
There has been too much crap recently that the only way I find absolute clarity is to do a road run. It's a lot like confession, honestly. And as I move along, the only thing I feel present is my mind. Putting Thoreau (or was it Emerson who spoke of the head?) aside, The body below is long gone--the legs, feet, arms, chest...I feel nothing but what I am currently working through at the time. I am a talking head.
When I stop moving, I am light headed (and still am 20 minutes later) and slightly frost burned. My throat is raw and my knees scream at me.
But the time was well worth it. I love my old running shoes.
They help me through even the worst of times.
12/08/2008
11/25/2008
cookie cutter
Some days I can manage the stress on my own.
I do my best to look at all the positive things in my life--say that others have it way worse and that is enough. I have a great job, great students, I manage to pay my bills on time and have a little food to get through each week. I have a great daughter and a few close friends to share most victories and pratfalls.
But there are days.
There are days when it takes everything that I have be the pillar of strength, to not want to break down; to just stop. The wheels are moving so fast and the pressure continues, the demands and requests pile up and I can barely keep my head above water.
I see my body wilting away into nothing as the stress continues to take its toll on me and my appetite. I try to not feel overwhelmed by it all..
I am so tired. I need someone to be there when I get home--to rub out the stress and tension built up so much that my back is a series of knots and I can no long straighten myself upright.
I want to be able to decompress after these eternal stretches of doubt and uncertainty and feeling incomplete and the lack of human touch or love from another.
Sometimes at night while lying there alone, I see this gingerbread cookie cutout in my mind. and with my fingers I imagine a razor blade reshaping the form to be perfect. But what is perfect?
I am not even close.
I do my best to look at all the positive things in my life--say that others have it way worse and that is enough. I have a great job, great students, I manage to pay my bills on time and have a little food to get through each week. I have a great daughter and a few close friends to share most victories and pratfalls.
But there are days.
There are days when it takes everything that I have be the pillar of strength, to not want to break down; to just stop. The wheels are moving so fast and the pressure continues, the demands and requests pile up and I can barely keep my head above water.
I see my body wilting away into nothing as the stress continues to take its toll on me and my appetite. I try to not feel overwhelmed by it all..
I am so tired. I need someone to be there when I get home--to rub out the stress and tension built up so much that my back is a series of knots and I can no long straighten myself upright.
I want to be able to decompress after these eternal stretches of doubt and uncertainty and feeling incomplete and the lack of human touch or love from another.
Sometimes at night while lying there alone, I see this gingerbread cookie cutout in my mind. and with my fingers I imagine a razor blade reshaping the form to be perfect. But what is perfect?
I am not even close.
11/18/2008
hero
There's a riot going on
And there's hunger in our midst.
Some people can't go on.
Some people call it quits.
When freedom is not the word
You'll find on Earth there's hell.
And U know one man saved the world
And he's in your heart as well.
(Chorus) Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
A man is sleeping on the street
Because he has no place to live.
A millionaire is eating meat.
How come we're not more sensitive?
And when abundance is for the few
That's where the hunger lies.
Responsibility rests on U.
So keep your head up to the sky.
performed by Victor Wooten
and watching THIS VIDEO STILL makes me so happy!
And there's hunger in our midst.
Some people can't go on.
Some people call it quits.
When freedom is not the word
You'll find on Earth there's hell.
And U know one man saved the world
And he's in your heart as well.
(Chorus) Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
A man is sleeping on the street
Because he has no place to live.
A millionaire is eating meat.
How come we're not more sensitive?
And when abundance is for the few
That's where the hunger lies.
Responsibility rests on U.
So keep your head up to the sky.
performed by Victor Wooten
and watching THIS VIDEO STILL makes me so happy!
11/17/2008
thankful
it's that time of year again.
when it's easy to pick out the haves and have nots.
Guess that's a good thing for all of us--at least you know where to sit at dinner parties.
funny how things change so quickly. making my thankful for list has become condensed and honest. leaving space on the other hand for after thought.
You know if you made the 2008 list.
Most of "the list" deals with the basics-
bills paid.
lilly
house and car
job
well--there you go.
when it's easy to pick out the haves and have nots.
Guess that's a good thing for all of us--at least you know where to sit at dinner parties.
funny how things change so quickly. making my thankful for list has become condensed and honest. leaving space on the other hand for after thought.
You know if you made the 2008 list.
Most of "the list" deals with the basics-
bills paid.
lilly
house and car
job
well--there you go.
10/31/2008
Halloween
What a perfect night for trick or treating! Lilly's fifth year and she had a great day of celebrating. It has been so much fun having my little ghost around!
10/26/2008
information inspiration
Ahh Hal'O' Eve.
Coming up soon.
I was heckled by a dear friend as to why I have not been posting to the blog lately..."oh, it's that Facebook thing, isn't it?"
Sheepishly I retorted,
"Well, you could always get a page..."
Clearly that was not happening.
So decided to write a bit here .
Good thing about the blog is that you can actually sit down and compose thoughts at length. The other good thing about MY blog is that --I can say with almost certainly-- very few people read it or even know it exists.
So if you are reading this--thanks.
ON THE FRONT:
Life is good!
I'm not free falling off the back of my couch but I am pretty happy with things at the moment.
Can one be content about work, home and love all at the same time? Perhaps fleeting, but if so, I am there at this moment.
I understand that people are put in our lives for reasons--some stay around awhile, so are migratory. I am pretty damn happy that the people I have in mine have not been fleeting as of late.
I love deeply and sincerely and give as much as I can to those few people who return it to me.
**
I suppose the educator of the year is something I should consider a once-in-a-career type occurrence. I honestly have not been sure how to respond to it, to others who congratulate me and how I tell anyone about it as it seems like we all work hard--we should all be recognized.
Still, in this small space I will mention that I received this award and it has in a small way helped me to come to grips with the fact that I might actually be a damn good teacher.
My girl is growing up so fast. I love her so much and am just so amazed at what she can do. She has many talents that are obvious, some that only a few see. Still, she (without bias) will be unstoppable -self-confident and charming beyond belief. It is cool to see.
Life is good. Hope it is where you are as well....
10/06/2008
back in 2002...
Hard to believe that was over 5 years ago. I think I am in better shape now than I was back then. I need to do another one just to be sure!
10/02/2008
when october goes
I woke at 5:00am to a toilet flushing in Lilly's bathroom. The wound chiming clock in my living room had also stopped overnight.
The ghost is back. Just in time for Halloween.
So it's October 2nd. The mornings are chilly and my hands grasp the steering wheel tightly as I drive to work through dew laden windows. I usually have to roll them down just to see. I will have to start wearing gloves. And coats. And heavy socks..and and and. Yuck. I hate clothing.
Lots of memories tied up with this time of year. I am doing surprisingly well, actually. We will see come October 5 and 8 if that remains true. Sigh.
I am looking forward to trying out Lotus with a few pals, as well as diverting my attention by hitting Brown County and the wineries.
Got lots to be thankful for.
They are just days--numbers on a calendar. Soon winter will be here, and spring...and summer once again.
The ghost is back. Just in time for Halloween.
So it's October 2nd. The mornings are chilly and my hands grasp the steering wheel tightly as I drive to work through dew laden windows. I usually have to roll them down just to see. I will have to start wearing gloves. And coats. And heavy socks..and and and. Yuck. I hate clothing.
Lots of memories tied up with this time of year. I am doing surprisingly well, actually. We will see come October 5 and 8 if that remains true. Sigh.
I am looking forward to trying out Lotus with a few pals, as well as diverting my attention by hitting Brown County and the wineries.
Got lots to be thankful for.
They are just days--numbers on a calendar. Soon winter will be here, and spring...and summer once again.
9/25/2008
Hope Ride
Have been lax in posting lately. I guess I've been busy. It's hard to believe I have been back to work for six weeks. I've got great kids and things seem to be going well all around.
Last weekend I rode in my first organized bike event, the Hope Ride, near Columbus Indiana. We were going to do 13 miles, but ended up finishing out at 32. It felt great! So up next is the Hilly 100. I mentioned to my biking partner Kathleen that I didn't feel like it was hard work and therefore not really exercise. Granted, the course was totally flat--not a single hill--but long. I know the Hilly will not be so kind. Still, it's great to have a tangible goal out there to push me physically.
Fall is coming. I am trying to be positive about it this year. Usually I get down come October and November. Maybe I am turning a corner. I think so....
9/08/2008
hilly 100
ok, so I survived my first "training session" Sunday to see how I could manage a long bike ride with lots of hills.
I think I may be in for the ride, although 50 miles a day is a bit on the extreme.
Still my riding partners were fine with me being vertically challenged and still able to keep up for the most part.
I enjoy the comradeship that comes with riding hours together. But as my friend Kathleen reminded me today as we compared notes, we both felt tired after the ride--whether due to worries about cars, hills, braking and pacing. With running or swimming there is a freedom that is different from biking in that you are left to your own devices and disappear in the water or on the trail.
Biking has a more social component to it that I am not used to.
It has been a great learning experience. I am looking forward to another training next weekend.
Onward and Upward!
I think I may be in for the ride, although 50 miles a day is a bit on the extreme.
Still my riding partners were fine with me being vertically challenged and still able to keep up for the most part.
I enjoy the comradeship that comes with riding hours together. But as my friend Kathleen reminded me today as we compared notes, we both felt tired after the ride--whether due to worries about cars, hills, braking and pacing. With running or swimming there is a freedom that is different from biking in that you are left to your own devices and disappear in the water or on the trail.
Biking has a more social component to it that I am not used to.
It has been a great learning experience. I am looking forward to another training next weekend.
Onward and Upward!
9/04/2008
one more time
"Have enough courage to trust Love one more time.
And always one more time." Maya Angelo
I recently received a card with this on the outside and have kept it on my desk at work. I look at it every day, but lately I have been thinking about it more and more.
You see, I think part of the sting of being alone is the worry of being rejected again and again by others. Once it happens a few times, the thought of going without love is much more appealing.
There is no risk, no pain, no longing or sadness.
Yet there is a part of me that feels utterly incomplete. Not whole. Like I have failed in life's paradoxical puzzle--finding a soul mate.
I should add Here's to not giving up to my list of mantras.
Have courage to trust love one more time.
And always one more time.
Here's to one more time...
And always one more time." Maya Angelo
I recently received a card with this on the outside and have kept it on my desk at work. I look at it every day, but lately I have been thinking about it more and more.
You see, I think part of the sting of being alone is the worry of being rejected again and again by others. Once it happens a few times, the thought of going without love is much more appealing.
There is no risk, no pain, no longing or sadness.
Yet there is a part of me that feels utterly incomplete. Not whole. Like I have failed in life's paradoxical puzzle--finding a soul mate.
I should add Here's to not giving up to my list of mantras.
Have courage to trust love one more time.
And always one more time.
Here's to one more time...
9/02/2008
"ease back" for you...
Hello
It's good to see you coming back again
It's been a long time
Since I sat with you, my friend
I'll lend an ear
It's not that so severe
Time has killed the pain
And dried up every tear
And now
I'm thinking bout what went, down
All the heartache
I laughed away
Just like a clown
And now
"Ease Back"
Ringtone
(click your carrier)
AT&TT-MobileVerizonAlltelSprintOther
> Sit around talking
Drink some wine
I'm really glad you stopped in
Spend some time
You sit around talking
Thinking bout the past
It's funny how it lingers
But nothings meant to last
And my Ma
She'd like to say hello
But shes a little scared
That I can't let it go
So let on, ease back, brother
And let it slip away
I'm tired of hanging onto
The pains of yesterday
It's good to see you coming back again
It's been a long time
Since I sat with you, my friend
I'll lend an ear
It's not that so severe
Time has killed the pain
And dried up every tear
And now
I'm thinking bout what went, down
All the heartache
I laughed away
Just like a clown
And now
"Ease Back"
Ringtone
(click your carrier)
AT&TT-MobileVerizonAlltelSprintOther
> Sit around talking
Drink some wine
I'm really glad you stopped in
Spend some time
You sit around talking
Thinking bout the past
It's funny how it lingers
But nothings meant to last
And my Ma
She'd like to say hello
But shes a little scared
That I can't let it go
So let on, ease back, brother
And let it slip away
I'm tired of hanging onto
The pains of yesterday
9/01/2008
labor day
Today's run reminded me of 2 different runs in different places. The first was Roma last summer outside a remote hotel in Rome. It was a chilly morning with the sun just barely rising and the air was heavy and moist. In Rome the nights were cool but the days extremely hot.
The second similar run was this summer up on the Grand Canyon. I was running along the south rim before sunrise, trying to find the furthest point out on the canyon to sit and meditate before showtime. Again, it was a chilly 55 degrees, and my legs were red and chapped from the chill.
I could have gone longer today without a problem. Still, wanted to get to the Y before the crowd and therefore had to cut it short.
Am happy about my new social networking and meeting lots of new people.
Today is day 28 and I am feeling fine.
Here's to the underdog.
Here's to the late bloomer.
Here's to holding out for the very best.
Here's to being honest with myself and others.
Here's to me.
Happy Labor Day. Off to TC Steele!
8/30/2008
a better one...
If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
Take a chance on me
(that's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me
We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try
Take a chance on me
(that's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me
We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go
"If I Fell"
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain
so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain
so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.
If I fell in love with you
8/26/2008
languishing soul
This restless feeling, this anxious unresolve inside.. it sometimes turns to anger and frustration with fate and destiny or being a victim of circumstance.
4 tuesdays, 22 days...
I ask the universe, "where is my love?"
How much longer must I wait?
back to when harry met sally....
4 tuesdays, 22 days...
I ask the universe, "where is my love?"
How much longer must I wait?
back to when harry met sally....
8/24/2008
change is gonna come
It's that time of year again. Sure, it may be 93 degress and so humid you must take a shower after going down to the mailbox, but the change is coming.
First of all, everything smells different. It's almost as if the trees and grass and flowers know that autumn is coming. Like a dog looking for his familiar sniffs while walking, I too have those places I look for in my daily run: the Sycamore tree smell, the moist smells of decaying plant matter, the Pine trees, dewy morning smells, late night smells, pool smell, fresh cut meadow. The smells of summer soothe me and linger for months without much change.
I like that. Summer to me symbolizes so many things. Most of all it represents constancy and freedom. I delight in knowing today will be 89 degrees and sunny, tomorrow will be 89 degrees and sunny, the next day and the next. Indefinitely. I suppose nature is more constant than my relationships, so I cling to the one constant I know.
But whether due to the heat and humidity, the drought or the sun setting earlier now, the leaves are starting to change and fall. I crunch them under my feet as I run and cringe. Change is coming.
Most people love the fall and the many picturesque changes that come with it. I must admit that next to April, October is the second hardest month to endure. In fact, I think it is now the hardest month for me....
October seems to represent so many different things: marriages, birthdays, parties, romantic encounters, cool holidays, etc. But it for me symbolizes the loss of all of those things, those memories and those people. Add the leaves falling and the death of summer, and it's a crappy combination for me.
I see it coming every year and feel the same each time. And it's coming.
Someone I spoke with this week was talking to me about time being the best healer. He was right for the most part, in that it takes time to get myself on the other side of losing things. But nothing changes the fact that every year at this time all of those lost things creep back into my consciousness and I go through each death once again.
First of all, everything smells different. It's almost as if the trees and grass and flowers know that autumn is coming. Like a dog looking for his familiar sniffs while walking, I too have those places I look for in my daily run: the Sycamore tree smell, the moist smells of decaying plant matter, the Pine trees, dewy morning smells, late night smells, pool smell, fresh cut meadow. The smells of summer soothe me and linger for months without much change.
I like that. Summer to me symbolizes so many things. Most of all it represents constancy and freedom. I delight in knowing today will be 89 degrees and sunny, tomorrow will be 89 degrees and sunny, the next day and the next. Indefinitely. I suppose nature is more constant than my relationships, so I cling to the one constant I know.
But whether due to the heat and humidity, the drought or the sun setting earlier now, the leaves are starting to change and fall. I crunch them under my feet as I run and cringe. Change is coming.
Most people love the fall and the many picturesque changes that come with it. I must admit that next to April, October is the second hardest month to endure. In fact, I think it is now the hardest month for me....
October seems to represent so many different things: marriages, birthdays, parties, romantic encounters, cool holidays, etc. But it for me symbolizes the loss of all of those things, those memories and those people. Add the leaves falling and the death of summer, and it's a crappy combination for me.
I see it coming every year and feel the same each time. And it's coming.
Someone I spoke with this week was talking to me about time being the best healer. He was right for the most part, in that it takes time to get myself on the other side of losing things. But nothing changes the fact that every year at this time all of those lost things creep back into my consciousness and I go through each death once again.
8/23/2008
"Sunny Day"
Strange how the loss of someone who was once a part of your life makes you appreciate those around you who ARE actively engaged in it. And going through a process of loss together strengthen those relationships even more. My friends have been great this week especially with being there, saying what needed to be said, and knowing when to just sit with me.
Similar to the 9-11 tragedy, I love the way the teachers, counselors, administrators and staff at my school bonded and became stronger as we worked through losing Elena. I am proud to work at a place where we are a family.
Today promises to be busy with so much I want to do and no definite plans. That can be dangerous for me, as I tend to get sidetracked and without plans in place, I end up doing something completely different than expected. I should just make a list.
Things are looking good from here. I feel stronger and better than I did August 1st. Back in the groove!
8/19/2008
"seeking ugly women for Aussie lonely hearts"
...was the title in the paper today under Nation and World, I kid you not. As a woman struggling with the question of what is fucking wrong with me, my next thought was, "Why not move to Australia?"
AP is quoted as to saying, "Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face, whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
Well damn. I want some fucking degree of happiness. I should cut my hair..oh, too late for that...I should wear an eye patch and just let myself go like so many others have already.
Fuck it. I am moving to Australia.
AP is quoted as to saying, "Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face, whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
Well damn. I want some fucking degree of happiness. I should cut my hair..oh, too late for that...I should wear an eye patch and just let myself go like so many others have already.
Fuck it. I am moving to Australia.
8/17/2008
on Elena
While enjoying the Harvest Moon last night just before heading to bed, I wish I had known that you were gone.
***
Losing someone close to you is difficult, especially when you don't see it coming.
Frightening as it may sound, Last week while running I had a vision of a headline, "Friend, Mother, Beloved Teacher Dies...City Mourns the Loss"
Usually I write off these dreams and visions, but this one caught my attention.
In the midst of the run, I considered what would happen if a young, popular teacher would die in an accident? My mind continued on this thought, how the faculty, students and friends would be in shock. By the end of the run, I set those thoughts aside, knowing how close-knit our faculty is and how much a family we all are. That is one of the many things I love about working where I do.
So, when receiving the word late last night about Elena, I was and am still in shock.
For now, I must process this...this vibrant woman who just 3 days ago was sitting next to me, wishing her unborn son would arrive SOON and how much fun she had on the first family vacation with her 2yr-old daughter.
I miss her smile, her laugh and her bright personality.
***
Losing someone close to you is difficult, especially when you don't see it coming.
Frightening as it may sound, Last week while running I had a vision of a headline, "Friend, Mother, Beloved Teacher Dies...City Mourns the Loss"
Usually I write off these dreams and visions, but this one caught my attention.
In the midst of the run, I considered what would happen if a young, popular teacher would die in an accident? My mind continued on this thought, how the faculty, students and friends would be in shock. By the end of the run, I set those thoughts aside, knowing how close-knit our faculty is and how much a family we all are. That is one of the many things I love about working where I do.
So, when receiving the word late last night about Elena, I was and am still in shock.
For now, I must process this...this vibrant woman who just 3 days ago was sitting next to me, wishing her unborn son would arrive SOON and how much fun she had on the first family vacation with her 2yr-old daughter.
I miss her smile, her laugh and her bright personality.
8/16/2008
8/14/2008
sometimes
There's a storm outside, and the gap between crack and thunder
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"
****
Had to break free from work today and started my run with a new set of music.
"Sometimes" by the old James was the first song on the play list, designed to get me from house to track and motivated to run a few miles. Still, as I made the trek over, (giving about 4:35 to do it) the skies turned and I was in the midst of a down pour.
Too far to turn back and the drops, cold and HUGE were unavoidable and so I knew I needed to take temporary shelter under a nearby tree. I stood as the rain storm hit listening to this song (and the above):
It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore
The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on
About this time in the song, I began moving and was choked by the smell of hot, wet street and sidewalk. Still, the smells of newly fallen rain on grass and flora was lovely and I pressed on...mist rising with the moisture rising and humidity and rain together..
There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking Polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea
"Sometimes I look in your eyes and can see your soul," he says.
Lately I have given up that ghost but find the physical focus to be satisfying.
It will do for now.
It will do....
10:19pm.
I just took some time to see what I was thinking about and doing last year at this time in blog -o-sphere and It was another time of strife.
Would like to see next year's blog entree and find myself miles from this place and this feeling.
Still, in the moment, it makes for challenging times for me.
Crack and thunder, is closing in, is closing in
The rain floods gutters, and makes a great sound on the concrete
On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain
Aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"
****
Had to break free from work today and started my run with a new set of music.
"Sometimes" by the old James was the first song on the play list, designed to get me from house to track and motivated to run a few miles. Still, as I made the trek over, (giving about 4:35 to do it) the skies turned and I was in the midst of a down pour.
Too far to turn back and the drops, cold and HUGE were unavoidable and so I knew I needed to take temporary shelter under a nearby tree. I stood as the rain storm hit listening to this song (and the above):
It's a monsoon, and the rain lifts lids off cars
Spinning buses like toys, stripping them to chrome
Across the bay, the waves are turning into something else
Picking up fishing boats and spewing them on the shore
The boy is hit, lit up against the sky, like a sign, like a neon sign
And he crumples, drops into the gutter, legs twitching
The flood swells his clothes and delivers him on, delivers him on
About this time in the song, I began moving and was choked by the smell of hot, wet street and sidewalk. Still, the smells of newly fallen rain on grass and flora was lovely and I pressed on...mist rising with the moisture rising and humidity and rain together..
There's four new colors in the rainbow
An old man's taking Polaroids
But all he captures is endless rain, endless rain
He says listen, takes my head and puts my ear to his
And I swear I can hear the sea
"Sometimes I look in your eyes and can see your soul," he says.
Lately I have given up that ghost but find the physical focus to be satisfying.
It will do for now.
It will do....
10:19pm.
I just took some time to see what I was thinking about and doing last year at this time in blog -o-sphere and It was another time of strife.
Would like to see next year's blog entree and find myself miles from this place and this feeling.
Still, in the moment, it makes for challenging times for me.
8/13/2008
"I will be perfect"
...were my exact words to my boss last night when asked why I was still at work after 7p.m.
And later, as I was leaving the building, my department chair said she sensed a more driven, focused person coming back to work.
I will be perfect.
just one more morning
I have to wake up with the blues
pour myself out of it
put on my walking shoes
go up on the mountain top
to see what I can see
the whole world is fallin
right down in front of me...
cause I got dreams, yeah dreams to remember.
I've got dreams
dreams to remember.
After a long bike ride, I sat in the quiet house and enjoyed the last few hours of my fleeting summer. I accomplished everything I set out to do and now am ready for the next chapter or season of my life. Too bad life wasn't more like work in that you can prepare for what comes next.
Still, I will strive to push myself even more physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. I am taking my losses in stride and am trying to focus on the accomplishments. I am rewiring myself and making changes; purging all the old and starting new.
I will be perfect.
Let the new chapter begin...
Pull myself together
Put on a new face
Climb down off the hilltop baby
Oh I get back in the race
Cause I've got dreams oh dreams to remember.
I've got dreams yeah dreams
to remember.
And later, as I was leaving the building, my department chair said she sensed a more driven, focused person coming back to work.
I will be perfect.
just one more morning
I have to wake up with the blues
pour myself out of it
put on my walking shoes
go up on the mountain top
to see what I can see
the whole world is fallin
right down in front of me...
cause I got dreams, yeah dreams to remember.
I've got dreams
dreams to remember.
After a long bike ride, I sat in the quiet house and enjoyed the last few hours of my fleeting summer. I accomplished everything I set out to do and now am ready for the next chapter or season of my life. Too bad life wasn't more like work in that you can prepare for what comes next.
Still, I will strive to push myself even more physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally. I am taking my losses in stride and am trying to focus on the accomplishments. I am rewiring myself and making changes; purging all the old and starting new.
I will be perfect.
Let the new chapter begin...
Pull myself together
Put on a new face
Climb down off the hilltop baby
Oh I get back in the race
Cause I've got dreams oh dreams to remember.
I've got dreams yeah dreams
to remember.
8/10/2008
in the wee small hours
When the sun is high in the afternoon sky
you can always find something to do...
But from dusk til dawn as the clock ticks on
something happens to you.
In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the girl
And never ever think of counting sheep
When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she would call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all.
8/09/2008
my girl
I don't need no money, fortune, or fame.
I've got all the riches baby one man can claim.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl (my girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl).
I've got sunshine on a cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of May
With my girl
8/07/2008
call it a loan
In the morning when I closed my eyes
You were sleeping in paradise
And while the room was growing light
I was holding still with all my might
Oh--what if it's true
...What my heart says
Oh--what'll I do
What if this feeling becomes hard to part with
You were meant to play your part
In the design of a desperate heart
And while you gave your love to me
I was betting I was getting it free
Oh-- If I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
In the evening when you see my eyes
Looking back at you, no disguise
I'm not sure who you think you'll see
I'm just hoping you'll still know that it's me
Oh-- what if it's true
...Better ask the man inside
Oh, oh-- there seem to be two
One steals the love, and the other one hides.
Yeah-- can we call it a loan
Till I'm paid in full for the seeds I've sown
Yeah-- can we say that I've grown
In someway that we may have yet to be shown
Oh-- if I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
You were sleeping in paradise
And while the room was growing light
I was holding still with all my might
Oh--what if it's true
...What my heart says
Oh--what'll I do
What if this feeling becomes hard to part with
You were meant to play your part
In the design of a desperate heart
And while you gave your love to me
I was betting I was getting it free
Oh-- If I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
In the evening when you see my eyes
Looking back at you, no disguise
I'm not sure who you think you'll see
I'm just hoping you'll still know that it's me
Oh-- what if it's true
...Better ask the man inside
Oh, oh-- there seem to be two
One steals the love, and the other one hides.
Yeah-- can we call it a loan
Till I'm paid in full for the seeds I've sown
Yeah-- can we say that I've grown
In someway that we may have yet to be shown
Oh-- if I'd only known
...What your heart cost
Oh-- can we call it a loan
And a debt that I owe
On a bet that I lost
8/06/2008
sad day
The smell of your hair I know is still there, if most of our leaves are blown
Our words still ring in the brush and the trees where singing seeds are sown
Your shape and form is dim but plain, there on our mountain bed
I see my life was brightest where you laughed and laid your head...
8/05/2008
(there is no) sunken treasure
(not sure who posted this pic--but hope its ok...)
There's rows and rows of houses, with windows painted blue.
With the light from the t.v. running parallel to you.
But there is no sunken treasure, rumored to be.
Wrapped inside my ribs in a sea black with ink.
I am so out of tune with you, I am so out of tune with you.
If I had a mountain, I'd try to fold it over.
If I had a boat, you know I'd probably roll over.
And I leave it on the shore, I'd leave it for somebody.
Surely there's somebody who needs it more than me.
I am so out of tune with you, I am so out of tune with you.
All the leaves will burn and autumn fires then return.
All the fires we burn, all will return.
Music is my savior, and I was maimed by rock and roll.
***
Saw a great show last night in downtown Indy. Am hoping my good pal was able to capture it for me, since I missed the last 30 minutes of the show. Just one of those things. But taking someone to a show who does not enjoy the band (or has never heard their stuff) is almost as bad as dragging a kid to church when they don't understand what is going on and they have to be quiet and sit still for an hour.
So instead of fully enjoying the show (and my favorite band) I worry that the person is having a bad time, cannot get into the music and it takes away from the whole fucking thing.
I should have just bought one ticket.
So I have turned the corner and switched gears now. The summer of love is over.
It is time to focus on what is important and necessary for me to succeed in the months to come. My mind moves fairly quickly (as does my body) from topic to topic, thing to thing. I often get frustrated with those around me who are probably much healthier but think and move more slowly. In my head I am often thinking, "Come on. Keep up...you need to take speed to stay with me." So it goes.
I need to practice patience.
I have to understand that people have different standards and my expectations are high for myself and those who hang with me. I am easily disappointed. I am easily let down. And now is no exception.
Thanks Jeff T. for a great time and helping me think through this stuff with your lyrics. Sorry I had to bail on you.
8/03/2008
7/26/2008
musings, vol. xxxi
Ahh, summer, glorious summer. We are moving in to the part of summer where those who SHOULD KNOW BETTER begin taunting we teachers about having to go back to work...
"So, you ready to go back?" The conversation always starts...smirk on their face, anxiously awaiting the look of horror from me.
(OH Gosh, do I have to go back to work?? No!)
These are usually people who work all year round and take long, extended vacations to southern beaches in the middle of winter.
I have about 2 1/2 weeks, thankyouverymuch.
So have been enjoying a few things lately. Others may say I have been "obsessing" I just plain like em:
1. I'm Not There the movie and soundtrack.
Yes, it is very good. And the soundtrack of various artists (which was in my top 10 of 2007-see earlier posts near dec.-jan.) jives well with the whole premise of the movie with using a variety of actors to portray Dylan. Cate Bl. is the best. Yup.
2. Bob Dylan Chronicles, vol. 1 While discussing the movies with my parent's neighbor, I learned that his wife went to school with Dylan in Grand Rapids, MI--so he handed the book to me. Lots of good stuff in here and being a late Dylan bloomer, I am finally enjoying this man and his contribution to music and the world--a few decades too late.
#3. Buddy Miles Them Changes 1970
Yes, he once was the voice of the California Raisin, but he was also the drummer for Jimi H. back in the day. He died in Feb., and the album was brought back to the surface. Great stuff. I can't stop playing it. Which leads to...
#4. Johnny "Guitar" Watson Funk Anthology 2005
You tell me that "Superman Lover" doesn't rock...that's what I'm talking about.
#5. Running and thinking. or thinking and running--anyway, the whole detatchment of both activities while doing them is a remarkable daily ritual. I find myself wondering how my legs are still going and how far I have gone before actually realizing I was moving. Must be the creative process well at work in me. Similar to how new ideas sprout while I am taking a bath (usually in winter).
#6. My body's time clock. My clock has happily shifted to a wake up call of 7:36 a.m. Usually I have to pee, so get up and then cuddle up a for about 15 more minutes. It is a luxury that will be gone in a few weeks, so I am basking in it.
Congrats and good luck to the newlyweds and the mid-lifers who recently purchased motorcycles. I think you both have something in common...
7/14/2008
skool daze
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