nothing really matters--but love

i feel the void growing with every word, every step.
i fight back the bitter tears driving to work in anger and leave in the same way. today the cold hard rain beat down on me like stones.
last night i dreamed my baby drown. she was a sinking grey rubber doll; her eyes and mouth open. i felt like Medea.
i still do.

the words spewed all weekend long like poison. the sarcasm, the hateful, condeming charges, the accusations. lilly sat quietly, playing with her books. that in itself makes me want to cry.

but there was that wonderful moment when we were free--it was just lilly and me. the way it should be.