"Little Ole Wine Drinker Me"

I matched the man behind the bar for the jukebox/ And the music takes me back to Tennessee/ And they asked who's the fool in the corner crying/ I say a little ole wine drinker me/

While I like Dean's version, I think Merle really captures the essense of that song. I need to seek out that record!

I've been spending lots of time (months, actually) learning about wine, viticulture, terrior, regions, sensory evaluation of wine and beer. I have tried over 100 different wines and beers from all over the world. It's a tad overwhelming what it takes to be a Somm. It is an end goal. It's like having a PHD in wine. The Intro to Wine class was a breeze compared to Sensory Analysis. It is intense.

I have to choose a wine region to research. I have narrowed it down to 2 regions not too far from each other--- Alsace (Northeast France) and Mosel (SouthWest Germany).

I dream of visiting these places and taking it all in. In my younger years I focused primarily on dry reds. People who drank sweet wines were uncouth and didn't have a refind pallate. Man, I had a lot to learn. I used to think Kendall Jackson Chardonnay was "the good stuff" when now I know that buttery malolactic fermentated oak fwd stuff is trash.

Studying the whites has been pivotal in my wine journey. I never knew that each region, the soil, the climate, the viticulture can change what you see, smell and taste. In Intro to Beer, I learned that the water from the region changes the end product too.

I am also dreaming of visiting Tuscany again, but this time at a slower pace and more focus on the wine regions. I fell in love with Florence and vowed to return. Venice and Verona were also stunning. And now, with my ever-growing knowledge of wine, the trip will be more fulfilling. I'll make it back there someday.

too late too soon

Well, so much for my resolve of blogging more often. It's been three months since my last confession. I suppose being trapped inside after a 14" dump of snow and now wind chills in the negatives is a good enough reason to pick it up again. But seriously, there is so much shit going on in the states right now that I am not lacking material. It's just too much. I'm in a strange place. An unfamiliar place. Looking back on these posts from 2007-2010 and the paralyzing loneliness I was feeling, one would say I am in a better place. But this feeling of uncertainty, lack of purpose, lack of cash flow to do the things I want to do and with whom I want to do those things weighs on me. Am I in the right place? Am I following (一期一会)? Am I staying present in the now--not looking forward or back...Remember to remember me Standing still in your past Floating fast like a hummingbird. Ha- I just looked back a few old posts from October-- Not much has changed! Physically transformed. Mentally, not so much. FOMO is real when you retire. What do I need to prove? Why do I feel stuck? Who is safe to talk to and who will understand? Why do I need validation? From the outside I have everything I need. "Nothing that I want, but Everything I need," quoting Lord Huron. My desire for travel to new places, to take a sledge hammer to my kitchen, to heal my decimated mangy cat and prevent my mother from offing herself are in the forefront of my mind. But fostering friendships--my karmic debt-- has always been my Achillies heel. So much betrail and abandonment. Who can you trust? I guess this will have to do for now.

RIP, Mark H.

I just received the news that a brilliant friend dealing with a prolonged illness passed away yesterday. I feel the tears wanting to fall but need to keep it together for work. He was the kind of person whom you may only meet once but he left an indelible impression on you. And his illness that paralized him for years on end, held him in a perpetual state of stuck. He is free now. I'll miss you, Mark. I'm in a better headspace than I've been the past few days. It's crazy how low frequency vibes can be instantly hightened with just a few encouraging words from the right person. The seasons are changing and the moody skies are looming. Bring on the fall colors!

You go, Then I go, --Jon Stewart

Listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace this a.m. when I should be at the gym. I have the day to play but I need to do my readings for school. At least it is interesting to learn about wine vs. fill in the blank to your least interesting subject. I've been riding a low vibration for a few days and the guides are telling me to let it go. Summer is gone-just let it go. I miss summer. You can try manifesting all you want, but it doesn't change time. Maybe I will hear something today. But if not, I will have my answer. My Queen of Cups beats your 10 of Swords.

I decided: write or perish -James Salter

I feel compelled to write again. I must in order to lose this heaviness I feel on my chest. When thoughts are trapped inside with nowhere to be expressed, things start to come out sideways. Looking back on my previous entrys I was a pretty good writer. Of course, I was trying to impress someone. That blew up in my face. I will need to exercise the muscle once again and work at it. I love reading what my 35 year old self was thinking, feeling. That was twenty years ago now. So much has changed, but there are a few things that remain: the unquenchable unforgettable indescribable indelible feeling of unrequited love. The soul crushing gut wrenching knawing feeling of being rejected. The happy-face on the outside carrying the heaviness of loneliness and lack of depth in daily transactions between people. The longing for a deep sould connection that does not exist in this lifetime. And while I toil away ripping the days from the calendar, I think, what the fuck am I doing here? And then they appear. But here we are, living our lives as planned. On cue. Divine timing does not seem to exist in my world. It's just complicated timing. Twin Flame timing. Sucks. My gut is telling me to run. My heart is telling me to whisper. My mind is telling me I was foolish for letting them in to see the real me. Back to our old lives, I guess. I guess.

Reinvent and Reciprocate

We closed the pool today. And now that I have all the time in the world and nothing to do, I decided to put summer away. For good. While listening to Jeff Tweedy's new 3 cd release, Twilight Overdrive, I put it all away. Locked it up in the musty garage or the trashcan, whichever was more appropriate. I tore out the dried flowers and vines, the dead leaves that used to give way to lush green with delicate delicate peony petals. As Jeff sang to me, I heard every word, as if he was telling my story. "Scratching at the dead Golden lawn/A leaning doe and a shaking fawn/I called for you/Then they were gone/A planet without moons/A clock with no noons/Too late, too soon/Love is for love." I am silently mourning the loss of the summer, of a friend, of myself. While leaving my job was the healthiest thing for me, I feel a sense of betrayal and a void in what used to be purpose. I hope to find that purpose once again. But for now, the tires are spinning in the mud so deep I don't think I'll ever get out.

welcome back

Hellooooo out there. "Wait..don't turn the page. I'm not finished. Life is so uncertain.." Lyle Lovett

7/22

Today is July 22nd. I flip to my calendar and see that I have about 3 weeks left.
I had several goals set out for this summer, one of which was to cleanse myself of relationships that weren't working and find someone new. And I am half way there.
My heart is closed to the past and open to the future.

Sometimes I feel the winds of change just around the corner. I see a glint of possibility only to watch them retreat and disappear. Then the measuring stick of comparison comes out. I watch everyone around me happily coupling off, taking fabulous trips and doing exciting things.. and I remain solo. As if asking someone to go out with me isn't hard enough, it is worse to be rejected over and over again.
So, I stopped asking.

I am trying to look forward to an event planned that will be fun. But things just don't seem all that exciting knowing I will be going alone. As much as I love the adventure, I am weary of traveling by myself.

Still, after 2 disastrous trips with guys, I vowed that I won't do that again until he is the right one. THE one.

It has been a disappointing summer on many levels. I suppose this was the summer to let go of the people that were going nowhere in my life and make way for the new.

If only fate could speed up that process.
If only....

looking forward...to the end....

Hello old friend.


It has been a long time. Thought I would catch you up to speed.
I had a dream last night.
Usually I don't remember my dreams, but this was one of those indelible dreams that stays with you for days, if not forever.
I am still uncertain to whether or not it was the end of the world, or just the end of MY world as I know it. Still there was a lot going on with flooding waters, sinking parking garages and people deciding to jump or drown. The freak show that ensued afterward that was my choice of jumping was no picnic, let me tell you. But watching the folks sitting on the sinking concrete disappear into the muddy waters below, was haunting. What does it all mean, I ask you?

Anyway, life buzzes by in such a blur. I spend too much time making plans for things that take relatively no time to do and it is over before I have a chance to enjoy or even reflect upon it. I am currently planning things for January and July and am missing the very things I planned back in December to enjoy now.


Must live in the now, you know?

here I am

I am standing by the river
I will be standing here forever
Tho you're on the other side
My face you still can see
Why won't you look at me
Here l am

Today was a grey, gloomy Sunday here in South-Central Indiana. It's the time of year when folks give up the fight simply because it so damned depressing outside that one can only dream of summertime or kill oneself. The obit. section is littered with the faces of those who were unable to make it til spring.

I have a confession.
I have not posted in months.

But as Emmylou puts it...here I am...



I am searching thru the canyon
It is your name that I am calling
Tho you're so far away
I know you hear my plea
Why won't you answer me
Here I am

I am in the blood of your heart
The breath of your lung
Why do you run for cover
You are from the dirt of the earth
And the kiss of my mouth
I have always been your lover
Here I am

I am the promise never broken
And my arms are ever open
In this harbor calm and still
I will wait until
Until you come to me
Here I am

don't panic

Oh, we're sinking like stones,

All that we fought for,

All those places we've gone,

All of us are done for.



We live in a beautiful world,

Yeah we do, yeah we do,

We live in a beautiful world,

Oh, we're sinking like stones,

All that we fought for,

All those places we've gone,

All of us are done for.



We live in a beautiful world,

Yeah we do, yeah we do,

We live in a beautiful world.



Oh, all that I know,

There's nothing here to run from,

And there, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.

day 24

"There’s a smell here that stands my hairs on end
Dog hair in the heater, gas pumps and cedar
And jackknifes on the nine
and seabirds choked on fishing line.."

I am not sure where I am these days. Day 24 and it's pretty much a done dealio. I have washed my hands of it and am pressing on. And just like all kicked habits, you wonder what in the fuck you were thinking to begin with. The ticker-- it's a delicate organ full of feeling that when shot through with holes you have no choice but to lie there and bleed or harden it again and lose a little more idealism about love, relationships, happiness, truth, trust.

"Clouds say hush but the chainsaws mush on to Custer and Columbia
Salty tentacles shrink in the sun but the red tide is over
The mollusks they have won

There’s a smell here of gravel and cigarettes lit
When the match made them sweet
When the engine turned over and beat up our street.."

Sigh. I will never be okay. I will never be good enough. This is the way it is. How many years has it been now? There is no more changing after trying like hell to change. This is it. This is all there is.

"Oh, that was the day
To remember

I remember because of the fires that leapt
From the caves of the things that have not happened yet
When I think of it now they smell to me quite sinister

I want to go back and die at the drive in
Die before strangers can say
I hate the rain
I hate the rain..."

I miss him

it's been 12 days. Not sure if the rain compounds the lonely feeling or if the flat-out void of a person just blows through me like a winter wind.

so we busy ourselves with life and avoid feeling; we curl our lips at lovers and institutions that no longer work for us; we deny ourselves the purging of feeling and instead congregate with other like-minded, burned individuals who all essentially are looking for the same thing: love.

its always in the fall, too, making it the dreariest, loneliest and hardest of seasons for me.
someone please wake me when its summer again.