too late too soon

Well, so much for my resolve of blogging more often. It's been three months since my last confession. I suppose being trapped inside after a 14" dump of snow and now wind chills in the negatives is a good enough reason to pick it up again.

But seriously, there is so much shit going on in the states right now that I am not lacking material. It's just too much.

I'm in a strange place. An unfamiliar place. Looking back on these posts from 2007-2010 and the paralyzing loneliness I was feeling, one would say I am in a better place. But this feeling of uncertainty, lack of purpose, lack of cash flow to do the things I want to do and with whom I want to do those things weighs on me. Am I in the right place? Am I following (一期一会)? Am I staying present in the now--not looking forward or back...

Remember to remember me Standing still in your past Floating fast like a hummingbird.

Ha- I just looked back a few old posts from October-- Not much has changed! Physically transformed. Mentally, not so much. FOMO is real when you retire. What do I need to prove? Why do I feel stuck? Who is safe to talk to and who will understand? Why do I need validation? From the outside I have everything I need.

"Nothing that I want, but Everything I need," quoting Lord Huron. My desire for travel to new places, to take a sledge hammer to my kitchen, to heal my decimated mangy cat and prevent my mother from offing herself are in the forefront of my mind.

But fostering friendships--my karmic debt-- has always been my Achillies heel. So much betrail and abandonment. Who can you trust? I guess this will have to do for now.