This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Prince of Denmark

I am sitting in the dark in my quiet apartment. The only sound is the lull of the dryer- the rains are coming, and I am waiting patiently to run naked in the parking lot until someone takes me away.

I endured the Springer Family reunion way up in Hoagland Indiana--8 miles from Ohio--somewhere on the endless stretch of highway 69. I counted the crosses along the roadway and decided while driving that most people probably took their lives out of the boredom that comes from driving this particular bit of asphalt. I also noticed after driving several undisturbed miles that the white lines down the center of the lane were crooked. I don't know how long I drove before realizing that I was driving 80 and, indeed, other cars were next to me.

I think part of the reason for the unaccounted for time on the road was due to being lost in thought. I was hurt by my father's thoughtless public remarks at the reunion--to which I came out of duty to the family name, not because I cared to speak to these people.
I also took my daughter, as it was my weekend, but also because I knew she would be the one people would like to see--not me.

As introductions were given, my father followed his elder brother, Neil. That is always difficult, as those two have the worst sibling rivalry I have ever seen--even at 67 and 65 years old--but after the torch was passed, my father proceeded to introduce his family, the 3 girls, all happily married, but Dan wasn't with us today. I smiled remembering my part playing the always pleasant, never challenging, lawyer's daughter, the anger seething--burning in my breast while the others continued proudly sharing their family joys to all, leaving the skeletons locked tightly away in the closet. The words became static--and I used the always present excuse of my daughter's potty training for my hasty exit out of the hall.

I was not sure I heard him correctly. After all, he was the one I finally called to break the news months ago. Mother would just cry and tell me to try harder.

I didn't confront him. Today was his birthday, and the thought of being put on trial was the last thing I needed before the long drive back with my 2-year old.

Upon arriving home and checking the always dreaded mailbox-- the bank decided to leave 10 overdue draft notices. I just bought toilet paper and kleenex--and won't be buying much more until my next check arrives. I am at a complete loss.

These past few chapters of my life wouldn't be so bad if I had something--anything going for me. But at this moment, I just can't see it. I am just trying to be true. How does one accomplish this without any allies?

Ahhh--the lightening is starting up. I am hoping I can catch one of those lovely strokes of heat and disappear from here today.