"I'd Rather Drink Muddy Water" Marc Broussard (Lou Rawls cover)

Ah a winter wonderland! I open the front door and the snow is falling silently, softly. Nature's beauty at its finest. And a 2-hour delay offers me time to write (finally!). I've been thinking about a few things to share. Not sure if it's too raw and real though.

Confessions of a Serial Dater

I have been considering writing a series about the men I dated and the trauma that came from it-- also, shining a light on how some men abuse their status and power, hang-ups, porn, online dating woes and a relationship that eventually led to my decison to stop dating altogether-- a 5 year hyatus. Yeah, some messed up shit. Sound interesting?

Another topic that I'd like to write about is my mom. I might start there today since she drunk called me last night.

Parents always say they don't have favorites, but I think most of them do. Lucky for me I only had one--and when you do it right the first time (or get divorced when she is 2) you don't need to have another. Well, I am the favorite. I may not be the one who files her taxes or takes her to the doctor, but I am the one she tells her secrets to. I am the fun daughter.

Yes, there is resentment from the other two. To be fair, I didn't choose to be the favorite-- it was circumstance that caused it. Plus, I look just like mom and we have the same quiet disposition. Plus, we both endured a lot of crap from our spouses. Only difference is I chose to leave.

And she stayed.

While I know her religion dictated that she couldn't leave a bad marriage, she was also of a generation that didn't know how to do those hard things. Dad threatened to take everything and leave us broke and destitute. I doubt that he would have--but it was enough to keep up the charade for many unhealthy and unhappy years.

Mom is down to 104 pounds now. When she called she was making home-made spaghetti sauce. Ok, so I know I didn't get the cooking gene and I like to say it skips generations (although my sisters are both amazing cooks), why on earth at 84 years old do you need to make home-made spaghetti sauce when you can just open a jar and heat it up? Just saying.

Anyway, I worry from afar and know that I will miss those calls, where she is beaming with pride telling all her friends what I am doing and what I have done. She loves to brag about me.

I will miss her when I have a question about gardening and I know that she would have the answer. Speaking of gardens--my girl texted me yesterday and said she wants to plant a garden. (Now I get to be the excited one). When Lilly was growing up, I taught her all of the things my mom did about herbs and growing veggies and flowers. We had a garden plot at our church where in the summer months I would take her up and teach her about how to maintain the plants--the labor of love that comes from weeding and watering. I would quiz her on the herbs and even would teach her about how to identify tree leaves--specifically sassafras-- and we would make tea with them. I told mom about it--and she was so happy to hear of Lilly's interest that she cried. Glad that I make her so happy.

This post is all over the place. I wanted to talk about the song I posted (you should really take a listen to these songs!). I found Marc Broussard in my DJ days, and he was on my mind this morning. I googled him and he is on tour--and nearby! When I first heard him I was stunned by his soulful voice--I almost thought he was Black. But he has such range-- blues to jazz-- You should check out more of his stuff! I hope to get tickets to the Lexington concert.

Here's hoping that you are practicing some self-care. I doubt that you are--so sending big love your way.

"Be Thankful For What You Got" William DeVaughn

I'm not one to brag, but I am just a little bit today.

Feeling the good feels today here at work. I walk around and see the gratitude on all the faces. The smiles and appreciation for me are real. And it feels good to be respected. When I worked here in the past, it was a different feeling. Maybe I was so stressed out and stuck in my own shit to notice--but I think my coleagues really do think I'm something of a wonder. I can walk tall and proud. I know what I am doing. I am connected to this place. It still feels like home.

Feeling thankful for all that I got!

Show me your truth

no time to write as of late! Keep working on that version of yourself that is real!

"This is the Path" Alan Watts

I watched this and it gave great clarity to where I was the other day. We are like rivers, not straight lines.

I also heard this and it stuck, "Love is a verb, not a noun."

Good Stuff.

"Hold On" John Lennon

Just watched a great show on Netflix called Danny Collins starring Al Pacino, that is loosely based on a true story. Premise: After reading an interview by Danny Collins in a magazine, John Lennon wrote a letter to Collins (British musician Steve Tilston).

Tilston, who is the real-life inspiration for Pacino's Collins, was unaware of the letter's existence until 2005, at which time he was contacted by an American collector who owned the letter. Based on the true story of musician Steve Tilston, who received a letter from John Lennon 34 years late (in the movie it is 40 years). Danny seeks redemption by leaving behind his glamorous, empty life to find authentic connections and write new music.He rethinks his life, wondering how things would have been different for him if he received the letter at the time--what choices he would have made given Lennon's advice.

I think about my life, and I wonder what if I stayed on the path I was on, where would I be now. I don't think I would be as happy. I also wonder if I were to receive a letter by someone I admired, even if it were to arrive decades later, how would I react.

The soundtrack includes 9 Lennon songs. Pacino kills the role.

The snow falling outside is lovely. Once chores are completed, I am building a fire-- one of my favorite pastimes in winter. There is nothing like the sounds and smells of a crackling fire. I haven't felt motivated to do much as of late. I think it might be some low grade depression. Not the best time for it, as my class is winding down and I have about 7 wine write ups to do. Those tastings started in January, and I have no idea what I tasted back then.

We went looking for kitties yesterday. It feels like a bit of a betrayal looking for a replacement so soon. I saw a few that were sweet, but I'm not ready just yet. I am holding a place for Perc.

So much to do today. That's what happens when you decide to enjoy your weekend and then wait to the last day to do all of the life maintenance crap. One more week of class for me--then what?

"When you're by yourself/

And there's no one else/

You just have yourself/

And you tell yourself/

Just to hold on."