"Trouble Me" 10,000 Maniacs

The sun finally poked its head out just to tease us today. I've been holed up in my "little soma room" (Richard Buckner) for a few hours catching up on work and school. I have started taking the Sommelier practice exams and I find that only about 40% is sticking.

If you asked me at this time last year what I would be doing 1 year from then, I would have such a different answer from what is actually in play.

I recognize that taking a full-time gig at university would have been a huge mistake, leaving me little time to shed my skin. I've had time to be fully present for people who needed me, and have met a few who see me, and I see them.

I am grateful for the opportunity to help out colleagues in their time of need, have had a chance to reconnect with my music, reinvent myself physically and express myself outwardly.

I hope you are finding time to do those things as well. In the chaos of life, I see now that there is never a good time to do the thing(s) you want/deserve to do. There will always be something--some obligation, some excuse, some undeserving/unworthy/unselfish reason for not doing it/them. Retirement has taught me to go for it--I hope someday you will too.

Trouble me?

"Thinkin About You" Flea

I mentioned my affinity for bassists and trumpeters-- FLEA KILLS BOTH!

I found this one by accident, a 2026 release-- Flea's solo debut, Honara. So glad a hero of mine is still making great music at 63. Take a listen, it's a good Sunday vibe.

The drive home gave me time to reflect. A few times I laughed outloud replaying the interesting visit I had with mom and Lilly. Between DJT Damnit dolls, Epoch Times articles and her strange Valentine gifts she gave us, I don't know if the insanity would be worth writing down or if I should just save it for a future comedy routine.

I think she must have panicked when I told her I was coming to visit, and so she wrapped up anything that was there. My gift was an opened box of Tagalong Girl Scout cookies, a jar of honey (who knows how old it was) and an old candle in the shape of a pie. Most likely a regift from her 87 year old "friend" who shops at Goodwill and brings my clutterbug mother MORE dust collecting tchotchkes.

We were also given several "interesting" articles from her right wing rag, The Epoch Times.

I get profund pleasure from lining my Guiena Pig's cage with them. It's either that or lighting them on fire.

I found out that there is a Mini Series of races leading up to the Indy Mini in May. Unfortunately I missed yesterday's 3 miler-- but I ran 3 at the gym, so I count that as even. I signed up for the next 2--a 6-miler March 11 and a 10-miler April 11. I have some serious training to do. I asked Lilly if she wanted to do them with me, but she is so laser focused on the MCAT study, she doesn't even feel ready for the Indy Mini. I can tell that she is tired of the grind and is in a rut right now. As a mom, it's hard to see your kid in that place, but she knows it is only temporary. Her exam is April 10 and then she can get back to doing the things that she enjoys. I am proud of her determination and resolve. I can only hope she got some of that from me.

Just wanted you to know I'm Thinkin About You. Hope you can feel it.

"Screen Kiss" Thomas Dolby

A shout out to all the early risers, who , if you were lucky, got to see a glorious sunrise this morning. I was basking in its pink, orange and red hues, standing awestruck in my front yard as if I had never seen one before. The sun kissed the sky-- and just in time for Valentine's Day.

Ah, V.D.-- the one obligatory day every year when we feel required to buy a card/flowers/candy/balloons (who buys a balloon for their S.O. anyway?)/jewlery/dinner in exchange for affirmations of love and sex. So much pressure!

And to the Lonely Heart's Club schmucks and incels who have to endure going to the grocery store and are bombarded with this Valentine's Day vomit when all they came in for was a loaf of white bread and package of bologna?

It's not your fault you don't have a girlfriend. It's the womens' fault.

I'm driving up to see my mom and my girl today. God, has it been over a month since I have seen them? Time truly flies.

I'll take in the details-- any nuances of decline. I also succumbed to consumerism and bought mom a huge boquet of flowers. And why not?

A Rose for my Rosie.

Thinking of all my loves today. I hope it's a special one for you.

I no longer fear the "Mirror" JT

Light the candle, sage the space, find the feeling, match the song.

I no longer fear the mirror.

I face it, full front, shrouded in nakedness, unashamed, unapologetic. I'm not looking for flaws (ok, well, I still am), not counting the moles or freckles or extra weight that still lingers. I don't smile, but I do celebrate.

Put in the time. Do the hard work. Do it for you. Don't apologize. Make the time. Stop calling it selfish. Stop making excuses. Go through the motions until muscle memory takes over. Practice the skill. Keep going. You got this.

Actors know these mantras better than anyone. We know there is always something to improve the craft. You're never done. I don't miss directing, but I do miss the creative flow that comes with working on a show. I have an unrelenting work ethic. So back to the gym I go.

I have to pick up Percy's ashes today. I think I will scatter them in springtime, when the daffodils are in bloom. Deep sigh.

"Green Arrow" Yo La Tengo

I'm revisiting I Can Hear the Heart Beating As One this morning. It's one of those that I put away because it brought back too much from the past. From start to finish, it evokes such melancholic sorrow.

I'm sitting in my grief. I don't want to share it with anyone.

I am pushing it into my workouts, taking it out on the treadmill, on the weights, and in my writing, but am unable to study and have little desire to even do simplistic tasks. I still can't seem to get her litter box out of the kitchen.

This guitar surronds me and soothes. Thankful for a short respite of time in my unsatisfying day to escape even if it's just for an hour. I learned a new concept yesterday from class, "Zeigarnik Effect." And while explaining it to my seniors, I almost lost it.

"Mercy Street" Peter Gabriel

'Rush Hour" Ani DiFranco

Love isn't over when the sheets are stained/ In my head there remains/ So much left to be said/ Make me laugh, make me cry, enrage me/ But just don't try to disengage me/

"When the World Is Running Down..." Police

As a teen I spent a lot of my time listening to The Police. I admired bass players and songs with a prominent bass line. Sting, Paul, Van Morrison's David Hayes, Jaco...

The Police got a lot of play time, especially when the walkman came out. In order to escape the chain smoking monster, I took to the streets of Carmel with my portable pal. Zenyatta Mondatta was my favorite. Between Sting's bass lines and Stewart's amazing drumming, I was able to release the sadness and angst that I felt most of the time.

"Driven to Tears" and "When the World is Running Down..." are the best.

I recently learned that Stewart Copeland played on Peter Gabriel's "Red Rain" and "Big Time." Those are two of the best songs on the record. Go figure.

(beat) Just watched a video about the superempath and the avoidant. It gave me some clarity and closure for how I am feeling. It's super fun to walk around trying to be positive when inside you are empty and confused and embarassed and can't explain anything to anyone because, well, just because. Hopefully the wounds will become wisdom as I move fwd more emotionally regulated. 28 days, right? Three down, 25 to go...

"The Ghost in You" Psychedelic Furs

Somehow I managed to catch a cold. I am sure that it's from all the kids that spread their germs everywhere and never wash their hands. I have zero tolerance for teenage boy antics and called a few on their shitty behavior today. I am not a fun person to be around when I'm under the weather. Still, yesterday was a typical moody Sunday with the stress of life maintenance, prep for work and my class.

It's hard to be in this space. Something shifted. And it hurts.

The irony in less screen time means less me time.

"Give it Time" Goose

Give it time/ Go ahead and give it hell/ Give it all you’ve got/ Or give it up for something else/ It’s a revelation/ It’s a hallelujah/ It’s the nature of the spirit running through ya/ So take it easy/ Just begin again/ Take a step back from the racе that you’ve been running in/ It’s the next song coming on thе radio/ Just when you need it/Turn it up and Lte it go./

The first time I heard this song I was driving to work-- it was a dark, cold February morning last year.

I was struggling with a student who had definite potential to succeed, but was checked out. A high school senior with no plan in front of him, and so far behind it would take a miracle ( or an understanding teacher) to get him across the finish line.

I found out that he was the oldest of 3, and a few years back his father was yelling at the kids for whatever odd reason--probably to clean up their messy rooms. Apparently his youngest brother, who was in middle school at the time, went to his room, closed the door, and killed himself.

James was the one to discover the body.

The whole family was wrecked by the tragedy. That certainly changes things when you know something so painful about a person. Makes you want to fight harder for them.

James didn't attend graduation, so there was no proper goodbye, good luck from me, so I never knew of his wherabouts or future plans, if he made any. I hate not having closure.

Over Christmas while dining at Michael's Uptown, I saw him with his dad. There was a sadness about the two men quietly eating in silence, but when I greeted James, he was excited to see me. He spoke of his new life-- ranching out west somewhere. His dad beamed proudly. We hugged and I left, happy for that closure.

Give it Hell, James. Give it Hell.

She broke the silence of morning and "MLK" u2

There was a shift in something this morning.

Maybe it was the obvious void of sound from a demanding cat, but no-- something else.

The birdsong has changed.

I hear the promise of spring in their song. And the sun is rising, bringing the most stunning light show. There is hope.

I seem to be outraged every time I turn on the news now. But this took the cake. Posting that video and the first week of Black History Month? My hatred for that man runs deep.So, here is a song to commemorate the memory of a great man.

Here's to a better day.

"Waiting for Superman" The Flaming Lips

I asked you a question I didn't need you to reply Is it gettin' heavy? But then I realized Is it gettin' heavy? Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Is it overwhelming To use a crane to crush a fly? It's a good time for Superman To lift the sun into the sky 'Cause it's gettin' heavy Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody Waitin' for Superman That they should try to hold on best they can He hasn't dropped them Forgotten or anything It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

Is it gettin' heavy? Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be Tell everybody Waitin' for Superman That they should try to hold on best they can He hasn't dropped them Forgotten or anything It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

"Glass Eyes" Radiohead

I will miss you, my dear Percy.

"My Skin Is" & "Masterfade" Andrew Bird super powers and disclaimers

While I know there are newer, more user friendly platforms out there, I wanted to stay with my old reliable blogger. We have a history. But one feature I do not like about Blogger is it has no spell check. And as I write stream of consciousness style, it doesn't pick up the typos and spelling errors as I go.

I hate spelling errors.

You can't live it down being an English teacher and claiming that spelling is your Superpower and then finding glaring errors in your work--it is unacceptable. So this disclaimer serves as a blanket warning that I am not a sloppy speller. I do check my work--even if it is after the final draft has been published. And I want to thank my critical father for my perfectionist and OCD mindset for that.

Yes, this is the kind of thing that wakes me up pre dawn. More later.

Another super talented artist I love is Andrew Bird. I found him in 2004 with the album Weather Systems 2003 Foutunately for me, he played Bloomington frequently so I saw quite a few shows. Now he plays Indy--and I have tickets to see him play with the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra in April. And who doesn't like an accomplished whistler?

Take a listen.. Here's taste:

"In a manner of speaking" Tuxedomon

I wasn't going to post this song today, but as I was searching for a mood, Nouvelle Vague popped up in my feed and it brought me back to 2004. They covered THIS song by post punk band, Tuxedomon. The French collective (NV) album was a favorite of mine, covering songs in a bosa nova-lounge style. They covered lots of my favorite bands from the day-- The Cure, XTC, Joy Division, Depeche Mode and more. Some of the songs included-- "I'll Melt with You" "Love Will Tear Us Apart" "Making Plans for Nigel" "I Just Can't Get Enough""A Forest" "This is Not a Love Song"

In 2004, I just started volunteering at WFHB, and I consumed copious amounts of music at the time. My afternoon mix required me to play several new releases per hour. While processing my newly acquired Legally Separated status, music was a welcomed distraction. But songs like this one bring it all back to the surface--so raw and full of truth--and pain. That was a painful time, for sure.

I have the day off today, and I am enjoying the solitude. Time goes by at a slower and more reflective pace. All the while, the world is running around thinking that the work they do is so necessary and important. I used to be such a productive little robot too. People live their lives in a constant state of distraction. On days like this, I'm so glad I got off that fucking hampster wheel.

Take a listen to these--side by side. What do you think?

"the only thing that is more powerful than hate is love." Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio

What a powerful display of unity at the Grammy's this year. Well done, Bad Bunny and all of the rest of the artists who spoke out against tyrany and oppression.

My song today is Marc Cohen's

Dig Down Deep

Enjoy!

"Anyone who knows what love is" Irma Thomas

p.

Was looking for this song for hours today. Started the His and Hers Netflix series and--there it was. Add it to my makeout mixed tape.

"Playing with Pink Noise" Kaki King

Love watching her play. Especially this song. She is all over the guitar. The album is called Legs to Make Us Stronger, a record I wore out back in my DJ days. It is reminiscent of Michael Hedges Ariel Boundaries but more hip. Give it a listen, won't you?

Today has been a struggle to focus. The day has that old familiar Sunday Scary feeling to it. It doesn't help that I have planning to do and I'm not getting paid to do it. So I'll write instead.

Attachment is difficult for me. I don't like to get too attached to things--people, animals, things, because some day they will be gone. I guess that for people of faith--like I used to be-- there is comfort in knowing that you will see them again someday. And if there is a heaven, I know my cats will all be there waiting for me. Losing people is another level of loss that terrifies me. And as I move up the ranks in age and witness my aging, deteriorating family members in decline, I can see in relatively a few short months there will be some losses. How to cope? Detach? It's complicated because I love the shit out those who I let in. I give shamelessly to those select few.

Going through the divorce was the most painful life experience I have had. But from those hard things I learned the biggest lessons. It was necessary for my own personal growth. I look back at all the experiences I had simply because I didn't have to ask permission.

It taught me about self-reliance, accountability, and trusting myself. Living on my own really taught me how to detach. For 16 years I raised a super cool human, bought and sold my own house and condo, learned how to fix shit, had to trust my gut with big decisions, took chances and did some really cool and interesting stuff. Glad it played out the way it did.

I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. And so far-- I don't.

Have a good week.

"Under the Milky Way Tonight" The Church

Lots of sadness in my orbit tonight. I had to step away from the double overtime IU game-- but IU DEFENSE was looking the best I have seen them since at Assembly Hall just weeks ago.

Melissa is a tough chick and I can't see cancer beating her--but the prognosis doesn't look good. She was at my crazy Bachelorette Party way back in the day when I had to exchange underwear with a dude. His were a pair of forest green Polo Boxers. Mine were probably something he put on his rear view mirror for posterity.

Ok I guess IU won.

Still, my sister is sad (and she is a force) and I am well aware of our short and fleeting time on this earth. I worry about sister number 3, as she does not take care of herself and almost died from covid--her lungs were basically soup. I am not prepraed for the loss of what was my closest ally and friend growing up in a turbulant household.

I love this song. If I had a mixed tape makeout playlist, it would definitely be on it.

More on Mixed Tape Playlists to come. What songs would YOU put on the list? POFN

Chicago VI

Lots of music moving through the gray matter today. I was in a local record store a few weeks ago and found 2 Chicago albums that mom had in her collection. I was tempted to buy them--and should have-- but passed. I woke up in the dead of night and this specific cover was all I could see:

I decided to give it another listen today. Glad I did. As a 14 year old girl, I knew this was special. Now, as a 56 year old, I can really appreciate the musicianship. EX: Fender Rhodes Keyboard – THE instrument that sounds like the 70s! Man, Peter Cetera on Bass is phenomenial. The charts on these songs--the horns are so tight! The harmonica and pedal steel guitar in "Terms of Two"? Get Out.

Because of you Because of me The times are right I disagree Before you leave I want you to see Woah, what you've done to me

I may have to go back to LandLocked and get it--a must for my growing collection.

"Laura"

I've always had a thing for trumpet players.

But waking me up in the middle of the night with a song in my head and not able to sleep until I connect with the artist is borderline insanity. It was Clifford Brown w Strings and the song was

Laura

that had me up at 3 A.M. God, what a silky album. Who knew a guy with just a trumpet could be so good. Not that I want to make this into a review of the record, but the whole thing plays like a dream. Still,Laura was The One. Take a listen, won't you?

After further digging, Frank Sinatra sang it but I only know the instrumental version.

Laura is the face in the misty light/ Footsteps that you hear down the hall/ The laugh that floats on a summer night/ That you can never quite recall/ And you see Laura on a train that is passing through/ Those eyes how familiar they seem/ She gave your very first kiss to you/ That was Laura, but she's only a dream/ She gave your very first kiss to you/ That was Laura, but she's only a dream

Now back to sleep...

"Jesus Etc."

This song is about someone searching for answers; answers to questions that we cannot possibly conjure up an answer for. The questions are from someone going through a hard time and questioning the meaning of it all. So says the interwebs.

A panacea for all of us today personally and all Americans as well. I never made the connection with 9/11 but got it now.

I did manage to grab tickets to Wilco in April--Fort Wayne-- of all places. It's a divey little standing room only theatre called The Clyde Theatre on Bluffton Road. What is now the seedier side of "The Fort" as my dad used to call it. Mom and dad grew up in Fort Wayne. I would have killed myself living up there.

From the outside, the theatre resembles The Vogue but not as cool on the inside. I mention this only because Clyde is 3-4 miles from my deceased grandmas' houses as well as my Great Aunt Polly (and who doesn't have an aunt named Polly?). I haven't been back there in decades.Ok Jeff. Let's see what the draw is, Buddy!

I have to work today, so this is a short one. And Hey, if you are seeing this,

Don't cry You can rely on me, honey You can come by any time you want

"Time to go Inward" Rodney Crowell

I ran into a few of my old colleagues today at the Y. Dan and Joel are two guys (Lilly calls them "two awesome dudes") that always ask about my girl and with real interest. Both said, "Be sure to tell her I said hello." It makes a mom proud when you know people see your kid as one of the good ones. In all of the things I have done in life, I can at least take pride in not fucking up my kid.

Yesterday's marathon shovelling offered time to go inward. The repetitive motion of hefting the shovel and tossing the heavily packed snow to the side while shuffling my boots along the drive was meditative. Still, thinking (or overthinking) ended up putting me in a funk, and in turn, has had me in low vibration mode ever since.

As a person who is hardly ever idle, these days are difficult. And not just the fact of being snowed in- I feel like my life is the spinning wheel on the computer screen waiting for the page to reload. Is this time a necessary respite for me to find my new identity? Am I paying enough attention to the people and opportunities that have stumbled onto my path? Am I utilizing all of my resources or is it all just random? I don't even know what I want to do. It will show itself when the timing is right. Ha. Me and timing. That's a laugh.

I did manage to write my paper yesterday. I chose Mosel if anyone cares. Learned a bunch of useless facts about Romans and steep slopes and slate. But in case you are wondering, they make the best Rieslings in the world.

"Little Ole Wine Drinker Me"

I matched the man behind the bar for the jukebox/ And the music takes me back to Tennessee/ And they asked who's the fool in the corner crying/ I say a little ole wine drinker me/

While I like Dean's version, I think Merle really captures the essense of that song. I need to seek out that record!

I've been spending lots of time (months, actually) learning about wine, viticulture, terrior, regions, sensory evaluation of wine and beer. I have tried over 100 different wines and beers from all over the world. It's a tad overwhelming what it takes to be a Somm. It is an end goal. It's like having a PHD in wine. The Intro to Wine class was a breeze compared to Sensory Analysis. It is intense.

I have to choose a wine region to research. I have narrowed it down to 2 regions not too far from each other--- Alsace (Northeast France) and Mosel (SouthWest Germany).

I dream of visiting these places and taking it all in. In my younger years I focused primarily on dry reds. People who drank sweet wines were uncouth and didn't have a refined pallate. Man, I had a lot to learn. I used to think Kendall Jackson Chardonnay was "the good stuff" when now I know that buttery malolactic fermentated oak fwd stuff is trash.

Studying the whites has been pivotal in my wine journey. I never knew that each region, the soil, the climate, the viticulture can change what you see, smell and taste. In Intro to Beer, I learned that the water from the region changes the end product too.

I am also dreaming of visiting Tuscany again, but this time at a slower pace and more focus on the wine regions. I fell in love with Florence and vowed to return. Venice and Verona were also stunning. And now, with my ever-growing knowledge of wine, the trip will be more fulfilling. I'll make it back there someday.

too late too soon

Well, so much for my resolve of blogging more often. It's been three months since my last confession. I suppose being trapped inside after a 14" dump of snow and now wind chills in the negatives is a good enough reason to pick it up again.

But seriously, there is so much shit going on in the states right now that I am not lacking material. It's just too much.

I'm in a strange place. An unfamiliar place. Looking back on these posts from 2007-2010 and the paralyzing loneliness I was feeling, one would say I am in a better place. But this feeling of uncertainty, lack of purpose, lack of cash flow to do the things I want to do and with whom I want to do those things weighs on me. Am I in the right place? Am I following (一期一会)? Am I staying present in the now--not looking forward or back...

Remember to remember me Standing still in your past Floating fast like a hummingbird.

Ha- I just looked back a few old posts from October-- Not much has changed! Physically transformed. Mentally, not so much. FOMO is real when you retire. What do I need to prove? Why do I feel stuck? Who is safe to talk to and who will understand? Why do I need validation? From the outside I have everything I need.

"Nothing that I want, but Everything I need," quoting Lord Huron. My desire for travel to new places, to take a sledge hammer to my kitchen, to heal my decimated mangy cat and prevent my mother from offing herself are in the forefront of my mind.

But fostering friendships--my karmic debt-- has always been my Achillies heel. So much betrail and abandonment. Who can you trust? I guess this will have to do for now.