the lost days and top 6 for 2006

R.I.P. Gerald Ford and James Brown

"The High Heat"

She wants to die
Like people do
Shower clicking
Summer was sickening
In that room

High in the heat
A white-hot beehive
Well she was doomed

She has a wing
To offer the sky
She couldn't stop sinking
She thought she wasn�t thinking
She wanted to die

She wants to live
Like people do
She feels like giving
It all away
All to you

found on: The Wilco Book/ words: Jeff Tweedy

I'm not planning on killing myself. Don't f-ing freak.
These are just the words to a song I especially like from my one and only real present received this year. THE WILCO BOOK (2004) complete with cd with 12 songs not included on other records.

With that said, on to the post:

I am a terribly unlucky person. My sister says I have edgy energy, which leads to me stirring up unwanted problems in the universe. She also says that bad karma comes back faster with me...almost instantaneously, in fact. This is apparently a good thing, as it means I won't have bad karma festering inside giving me cancer later down the road. (ironically, I am currently listening to New Dimentions...The God Theory...)

I just think I have bad luck.

Besides the obvious troubles in the love department, I will run down the most recent events this year in the exciting life and times of C.

Christmas Eve
While driving to my parents, a rock flew out of no where, shattering my windshield.

December 19
My life insurance policy and YMCA membership both cancelled on my birthday.

Thanksgiving weekend
Dr. Sarah, music teacher at Univeristy Elementary School took her life. 3 previous students also died of suicide or drug overdoses over the weekend.

Friday, 5p.m. July something
While house/pet-sitting for my sister, I managed to lock myself out of her house (with special old-style locks) in only a bikini bathing suit. No phone, no shoes....

June, 2006
My ex and I decided to put our cat Reuben down. My neighbor, Glenn, died a day later. Wow.

May 19, 2006
Divorce was final.

March 2006
While waiting at a stoplight, a woman talking on her cell phone crashed into the back of my car, shattered the back windshield and bent the back frame. My daughter was in the car.

There was a computer crash in there somwhere (I lost everything on the hard drive)but I think it was December, 2005.

OK. So, 2007 HAS to be better than this, right?

Now, my top 6 albums of 2006: (do you like that? 6 for 2006?)

The Flaming Lips At War With Mystics
Beck The Information
M Ward Post War
The Decemberists The Crane Wife
The Long Winters Putting the Days to Bed
Neko Case Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

2007--what do you have in store for me?

I wish you love

Found this on my media player. Totally forgot about it. Bill Henderson and Oscar Peterson Trio, couldn't be a better combo. Reminds me of my old pal Paulie Mac...

Goodbye, no use leading with our chins
This is where our story ends
Never lovers, ever friends
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day
But before you walk away
I sincerely want to say

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in july a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love

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I've spoken to some when they ask how I am, I say well.
I'm in a safe place, I continue, which usually requires the explaination--
better than the scary place I once was in.
Oh, right. Sure....

They are satisfied with that, and I go on thinking to myself that it sure as hell is a dreadfully boring place. Is this how old croans settle on sharing an apartment with Sister Solitude? She is a quiet, no-nonsense person. Doesn't like to go out much. Not much to look at, and no one you'd want to be stuck at a table with alone for any length of time.

This week I have to put on the happy face for several holiday parties. I am trying to be optimistic about possibility of having fun. Trouble is, right now a bath and early bedtime sounds pretty darn good.

Ok, 3% pick tea, 4% Daphne, what gives??

Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?

Daphne
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Can you tell I turn 37 next week? Yeah, age is starting to show....

Happy holidays everyone.

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

You're Lili St. Cyr!
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Sarah Smile

“The cure for unhappiness is happiness, I don’t care what anyone says.”
-Elizabeth McCracken, Niagara Falls All Over Again

(Opening quote from Nick Hornby’s new novel A Long Way Down . The back cover reads, “ One New Year‘s Eve, four people with very different reasons but a common purpose…at the heart (it) isn‘t really about suicide itself, it‘s more about what happens when you don‘t kill yourself…)

It was strangely coincidental that I decided to start this book last night. I was hoping to begin reading much earlier in the weekend --being a long holiday weekend and all. But family obligations kept me up and away from the book. I have this small group of students who read voraciously. 2-3 books a week. So, after much poking and fuss, I finally got This One out of Nate S.

It wasn’t until I arrived at work and read my email when I found out.
She killed herself. With a gun. Shot herself in the heart.
That was not part of the email. Nate was the one who told me.

Her teenage son, a student at my school, found her the morning after Thanksgiving.

It gets more complicated: She had been with my theatre students the previous day for dinner; showing little sign of distress. Just the usual blues. Divorced mother, 52, doctorate, stressful job at a prestigious school, YMCA regular. Who would have thought?

I lay in bed with my daughter while she drifted off to sleep, thinking about life and happiness. Why do we go on living? What is the point? The simple joys are so fleeting and under whelming; life is so monotonous and painful--why continue?
Well, because we have no choice. We must go on, despite all that haunts us, all the retribution and pain and suffering. Even after watching AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH and wondering will there be a place on this earth for my daughter 50 years from now?

I have hope. It’s not too late for happiness.

Sarah, wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy.

sex and the city....

I have a friend who recently started a myspace page. So she loves all the online quizzes. She also got me started on Sex and the City. So, I took this quiz. If you have ever seen the show or if you really know me, you know that this is a good fit.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

In other news, I am well.
Saw Gillian Welch the other night. The best show I have seen since Calexico. Better even. Also saw an intense play called Arrangement for Two Violas Heavy. Naked gay-acting sexy men onstage--two feet away. Yes, I am not kidding. Strange to see the father of a former student kissing another man right in front of you. Even stranger yet to be with a man you hardly know while this is happening. Who said life was uncomplicated?

I am between books and music--need a title, a theme.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I
am
so
glad
.

simplicity, remember?

Becky's Michael

Lilly and cousin Michael--the terrible two

The sun is streaming through the window giving me a false sense of time. It is almost 5p.m.
Been having nightmares the past few nights. A plane crash. A chase. A murder. Ex-boyfriends. Not sure what to do with it.
The start of a new cycle--a new semester?

I missed him yesterday, or at least thought of him. What does that mean?

"...and one for the road"

You'd never know it, but buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got a lot of things I'd like to say...

Thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind
My bending your ear
But this torch that I found, It's gotta be drowned
Or it's gonna explode

Make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

Gee, thanks Frank...or was it Billie who said it best?
I dunno.

November 5. Two years and two days since I blew the joint and started fresh. Still, it looms like it was yesterday. Bad memories usually do.

I am unusually calm for the season. I hate HATE the holidays.
Never used to. It just seems the family has become more and more a glorified ideal than a reality for me. Same with relationships, actually.

This time of year is tough for everyone who is single. But when people say that it reminds me of the same rhetoric I hear when people defend Shakespeare and why his works are still relevant today. The same tired response. Explain that to a mostly aliterate society who don't plan to vote this Tuesday. They are too busy shopping at Walmart.

I have "let go" of a few more hangers-on men. These are men who are not able to return calls, emails or common communication exchanges in a timely manner. These are men who when invited to an event they wait until the day of to text the woman and say they "feel bad but would not be good company..."
THEN! They drop a line randomly just to keep the poor woman hanging on but the exchange means nothing to him.
These are also men who are seeing someone, whether seriously or casually, and want to keep their options open. Disgusting. I want to call up the oblivious girlfriend and fill her in on the boyfriend's extra curricular flirting. That will stop the wedding planning right away. But not that I would know anything about this. Shit, it has never happened to me three times or more in the last year.

So what else? I need a project. I am currently bored and boring.
Time to change that. Do I sound bitter or jaded? Both, perhaps?
Good. At least I am transparent.
And you?

hallo'ween 2

more photos from tonight:

hallo'ween

a trying weekend. not sure if it is the time zone change or just everything else.

Don't answer that--I know it is everything else.
There has to be something more than this for me.
on a positive note:

THE INFORMATION is a great album.
And how are you?

"Action/Adventure"

...so when you think you’re on the fast track
you find it’s just a cul-de-sac back
in that adult lifestyle community
where all your little boys, your action toys are duty free

so i wonder what you got your persona for
cause there’s a 2-for-one down at the corner-store
and i wonder could ya pep it up a bit
you know throw a fit
you go ahead and dance
i’ll just sit

but if you think i’m wasting your time again
no, you’re wasting mine
when you’re playing for a prime-time dream
the c n b scene
now i’m just another split in your seam the i in your team...

Sometimes that is what it feels like for me. Today is one of those Sundays when it's freezing outside, cloudly and the only thing that sounds good is to bundle up under the covers.
I am playing the what-is-wrong-with-me game again in my head. Can't help it. It's so hard to be happy with myself when it seems no one else is.

Been reading Invisible Mosnters lately. Very disturbing book. Can't necessarily relate to the characters but the relationships I can.

Still hard to make it through Sunday.

fall pics

cheese Monday night

silly head Monday night

back porch

pasture view

"Pepita"-Instrumental fm. Feast of Wire

--Calexico

Feast of Wire is a great album. Check it out if you can (see previous post for web identification).
Some things you just don’t miss until they are gone. Fireplaces on cold Sunday afternoons, for instance. It’s freezing here--moody outside and I long for the smell of wood smoke and warm fire.

Other things I don’t miss at all: Messes made by others, beer bottles and hair in the shower, for instance.

What a sacrifice we must make for complete bliss, isn’t it? A friend of mine would call these concerns of luxury. And I do see Tony’s point, I do. But sometimes the beer bottles became much more than clutter.

I am ok today. Blame the weather, blame the change in seasons, blame the moon…still a part of me deep down groans and cries as the leaves blow and crunch around me. It is all too much for me.

Standing with both feel planted is marvelous. Problem is, I’ve never known this sensation. While brushing my teeth I thought of you. Thought, “if only he had met me now…”

Honestly, it would have made little difference.

Acquaintances sidle up to me and ask, “So are you dating anyone?”
You can see they are afraid to ask but dying to know.
“No,” is the standard, honest reply.

Guess I'm not ready for the rest stop yet.

guess who?

Musings and Strange Geometry

Leaving came to us just like a song
A dull geometry of lawns
The sense that you are still a stranger
But we were born to fade away
Like light looking sideways into life
There is no reason we should stay here
-Fm. Geometry of Lawns (The Clientele)

Things I am thinking about today:

*While catching up with a dear old friend yesterday, he stated that men are basically like goldfish: they have two basic needs-- food and sex. When I mentioned that I was not looking for Mr. Right, he said that I must not be ready…”I mean do you pull off at a rest stop when you don’t have to use the rest room?”
Bruce is a person I am glad to have in my corner.

*Music is really happening right now. There are 5 (new) albums I must have:
Yo La Tengo (I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass)
Beck (The Information)
Calexico (Feast of Wire) that one isn’t so new..Great show last Sunday!
Carrie Rodriguez (7 Angels on a Bicycle)
The Decemberists (The Crane Wife)


*I was inspired by Lotus that swept through Bloomington this weekend. The vibe in town was festive and mellow. Under the full Aries Harvest Moon the pulse was impressive.

* Today I attended a ceremony for a friend who lost her battle to cancer in September. She wanted to return home for the final days, (Olympia WA) so my friends (Gaylah’s son) Ari and Karen had the memorial service back here for her Bloomington family. It was amazing to witness how many people had been touched by Gaylah. She was one of those people whom you may only speak to for an hour, but she will stay with you forever.

*I am reminded again that there are some people in my small circle that choose not to be straight with me. When confronted, they ignore my questions, they make excuses for not spending quality time, they cross me off the “to do” list. Others ask me why do even bother trying to maintain friendships with people like this?
‘Well, “ I sigh and say,” people need lots of chances to figure it out, “ and I add,“ Patience is important.”

* You know when talking to someone whether they have been around a few times. I know a few old souls. Lucky for me, I am old too. When you meet an old soul the conversation changes drastically. There is a mutual understanding and intensity that comes as you look deeply into each other eyes and see the soul. When you meet a like soul, your sense of timing changes and there is a warmth that passes through your whole body. I (re)met a few old souls this weekend. Ever happen to you?

*In addition to PASTE Magazine, which I would love to subscribe, I found a new magazine today that looks fascinating: ADBUSTERS Strange stories. Sad but inspiring. Check it out.


So that’s me lately. Did I mention that fall is a difficult season for me? Ask me, and I’ll tell you why.