TGIF

signature colour

Look around, come to me
I have no answers, but know where I wanna be
I look around, play a part
I was born in the winter and cooled by a warm heart

reminiscing

Hurry, don't be late, I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we're old
We'll go dancing in the dark
Walking through the park and reminiscing



alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5113849952080997586" />
Great song lyrics for an emotional time of year.
If you get a chance to play it, think of me.

Moody skies, woodsmoke and dry leaves
go together so well.




Friday night, it was late,
I was walking you home
We got down to the gate and I was dreaming of the night
Would it turn out right
How to tell you girl
I wanna build my world around you
Tell you that it's true
I wanna make you understand i'm talkin' about a lifetime plan

Fall is fast approaching. Here is to my new outlook on fall!
(p.s. Lilly took that last photo. Her first picture taken!!)

silence is the only true religion

...Not sure where that quote came from actually. I wrote it down on a ripped out strip of paper while rushing around in a fog in Paris this summer. I must have been staring at Notre Dame because there is also an attempt at a gargoyle sketched on the bottom of the page. also the words: "Piety", "Elusive" and under that, "I surrender"
The tag line quote, I believe, came from Eat, Pray Love.
A great book to read if you are experiencing lots of life changes. It is written from a woman's perspective, but I think men could easily relate.

So Andrew Bird. Wow. This was my third time seeing this manic genius. He is amazing to watch. You can see he is totally in love with music. And the lyrics made sense for the first time last night. Perhaps because of a 2 hour session where I was told that I have a roller coaster inside of me. This is true. This is very true.

So, after just marveling in Bird's unbelievable energy and passion, it was "Opposite Day" that had me blown away. And this passage specifically did it:

Those who can't quite function in society at large
They've got to wake up on this morning to find that they're in charge
But those the world's set up for, who are really doing quite well
They're going to wake up in institutions
In prison or in hell
Prison or in hell

Today was supposed to be the day
Molecules decide to change their form
Laws of physics lose their sway
Youthful indiscretion now is suddenly the norm
With the good kids sprouting horns, yeah yeah
And today was supposed to be

Not just another day
Today was supposed to be
Not just another day
Today was supposed to be
Not just another day
Toady was supposed to be
Not just another day
It was supposed to be, today was supposed to be
And today

But if you think there's something else
Well you're right, there is
There's something else
But if you think I'm gonna tell you, think again
Why should I even think of telling you what there is

Yeah, 'cause silence is knowledge
And knowledge is power
I'm under explicit orders to dare not speak its name
Listen up, I just work here
Oh I dare not speak its name
I can't keep talking about it
Oh, I dare not speak its name

effect emptiness to the extreme

Effect emptiness to the extreme.
Keep stillness whole.
Myraid things act in concert.
I therefore watch their return.
All things flourish and each returns to its roots.

Returning to the root is called quietude.
Quietude is called returning to life.
Return to life is called constant.
Knowing this constant is called illumination.
Acting arbitrarily without knowing the constant is harmful.
Knowing the constant is receptivity, which is impartial.

Impartiaility is kingship.
Kingship is heaven.
Heaven is Tao.
Tao is eternal.

Though you lose the body, you do not die.

countdown

"Time remaining to complete the course: 56 days"

This is what keeps me up at night.
This is what drives me back into work after putting in a 10 hour day at 7p.m.

I resent this. I do.

I resent that it actually COSTS $$$$ to work these days.
Hard work means seemingly nothing.

So some jackass is playing "Love Me Do" over and over in the adjacent room to mine and I am gritting my teeth ...someone to love...somebody new...someone to love...someone like you...Must be HISTORY OF ROCK AND ROLL.

ok, no it is definitely a survey course of THE BEATLES.

come on, come on come on come on...please please me oh yeah like I please you (over and over...)

lucky lucky me

God, if it were really that easy....

lost key

there is a key on my key ring
it doesn't open any door

often I forget it is even there.

still, it remains on my ring and makes a special sound
when it brushes against my legs while driving.

the key is special to me
unlocking special memories

there is a key on my key ring
it doesn't open any door

still, I know it is there.

censor your life

After a short brooding run today I decided to come back into my air-conditon building and write.
True, it is the weekend. True, I want to go out and enjoy it.

Still while running I was pushed into black cloud state and want to get it off my chest.

I was thinking how much I have to censor what I write on here and take the comment box out, censor what music I choose to play on the radio and censor what I say to people in passing.
It angered me today to know that I can't play certain songs any more for fear "someone is listening" and it might be interpreted wrong.


It overtakes .......you know what? I can't even write about this because..well, for this very reason.

I am done thinking about this situation and the isolated occurrence that made me feel this way. I am OVER IT and will now log out and enjoy spending time with my awesome daughter.

Fair thee well.

soul connections Lucinda style

If I had my way I'd be in your town
I might not stay but at least I would've been around
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk
Something about what happens when we talk

Does this make sense It doesn't matter anyway
Is it coincidence or was it meant to be
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk
Something about what happens when we talk

Conversation with you was like a drug
It wasn't your face so much as it was your words
Cause there's something about what happens when we talk
Something about what happens when we talk
-Lucinda W.

Connecting with people on different levels is so liberating. There are some people you meet and there you are--like seeing yourself in a mirror. These kinds of connections can be terrifying--especially when the souls appear to be very different.

It is there in the eyes and carries itself all the way to the soul. As I have mentioned in other blogs--a soul connection is rare and worth cultivating.
Unfortunately, the complications of life seem to inhibit the process sometimes.

How does one maintain these different relationships with people and not lose self in the process? How does one move forward with individual changing roles and responsibilities and deal with the emotional price tag that accompanies these shifts?

I wish the gravitational pull to one or the other--or the other or the other--- was not so strong. Sometimes the energy generated is like the tides of the moon.
Most times I want to avoid the rush of feelings--for self protection and preservation, honestly. Once the flood carries you away the devastation of picking up heart pieces after it recedes is, well, a feeling that mimics deep and overwhelming grief.

Can one survive the Tempests and rise to maintain intimacy--be it physical or emotional? Can one let go and transcend with the assurance that what is to come is each soul's true destiny??

"The Mind of Love"

Talking to myself
Causing great concern for my health
Where is your head Kathryn
Where is your head

I'm trying to escape
This constant pull towards ache
Why do you fight Kathryn
Why do you fight

Surely hope will arrive soon
And cure these self induced wounds
Why hurt yourself Kathryn
Why hurt yourself
Why hurt yourself

Can your heart conceal
What the mind of love reveals

I'm talking to myself again
It's causing great concern for my health
Where is your head Kathryn
Where is your head
Where is your head Kathryn
Where is your head

Can your heart conceal
What the mind of love reveals
Can your heart conceal
What the mind of love reveals
(Can your heart conceal)
What the mind of love reveals

-k.d. lang fm. ingenue

"caracola" (snail)

They have brought me a snail.

Inside it sings
a map-green ocean.
My heart
swells with water,
with small fish
of brown and silver.

They have brought me a snail.
--Federico Garcia Lorca

This short but delicious poem is sitting on my computer at school. It was given to me by a sweet student named Ros. S. on "poem in your pocket day"
Today I read it for the first time since May.

Isn't it epiphonic (is that a word?) and delightful when you put something away for awhile--whether you lose it, leave it, bury it, fly from it, hide it or just let it rest that you can pick it up again after a time and it still has meaning, brings joy, offers peace and solace, stirs memory or even better-- offers something new to you?

I think that when sudden life changes occur, by taking time away from what they actually mean for our lives we can begin to interpret them--our lives and ourselves in a fresh, new way.

This poem seems to have a much more rich and subtle meaning to me today than it did when I first read it in May.

Thanks to all who contributed to making that happen. I love you all.

"..and I've never been to Boston in the fall..."

If you know this quote then you probably have kids...or are a kid yourself and shouldn't be reading this blog.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing Boston this fall. Never been--would love to go.

push-pull

"...Her restless heart has set its sail
She can feel the waves washing over
She knows what life with you entails
You love her strength you despise your weakness...

Your jealous heart has won the day
You can feel the darkness creeping over
She paid the man and sailed away
Leaving you your incompleteness..."
Colin Hay
fm. "Don't Wait Up"

I am allowing myself time today. I am not going to look at the clock, knowing that I need to be somewhere or expected to pick someone up, drop someone off, meet someone here or there, talk to colleagues who have returned to school....just not going to do it.

I am going to sit here and write.

Lately I have been bombarded with negative occurrences and crappy situations. I can try to look at these per usual: as a way to be stronger, to realize I am not as grounded or focused as I usually am, bad karma coming back full speed for the terrible things I have done, evil spirits taunting me because life has started to turn up. I know what they are. I just know that they have caused some stress and inconvenience for me (not to mention $$$$$).

I have blogged about this before. Things start going well and then I have a series of unrelated bad luck happenings.

Currently I am torn between my life as it was and my life as it could be. I am trying to live truthfully--for myself and for others. While rushing through the streets of London on a particularly cold and rainy day, I realized I was not doing that. I was lying to myself and to others about what it was I needed for myself. Not sure I know that what is now, but I know what it isn't.

School is fast approaching and I am not ready. Still facing these issues now is a blessing, I suppose.

Still the demons chase me, haunt me, mock me and I am running like hell find something beautiful. Something pure and beautiful. Catch me if you can.

my summer sun

wow. the last couple of days..not sure what is happening in the universe, but someone is trying to tell me something.

so, i knew the annual lock-out was coming. last year it was a 90 degree day--friday night at 500p.m. at my sister's place. i was wearing nothing but a bikini. ticket price+$75.00 for the lesbian amazon to get me back in (and dressed).

today--perhaps it was irony since a lost friend had returned my extra key to me yesterday. i went out for me morning run and workout, in a bit of a hurry to get in and take a shower, with my schedule laid out in front of me: shower, soma, swim lessons, work, etc...
and then there was the overdraft on my account.

i strive to be a fair and above board person. it bothers me to be dishonest. A lot.
so knowing that i have hurt someone--especially someone I care about really feels yucky.

am looking forward to living truthfully to myself the people i love. and i do love....