Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.
fm. 'your laughter" by Pablo Nerudo
Here in the depths of winter, I find myself longing for the warmth of spring days. Usually with them comes the promise of new life or rebirth, and new beginnings.
For me, it starts with the scent of earth. She has a musky odor that saturates. I could breathe March air long into September.
The birds are another tell-tale sign for me. Their song changes to reflect the mating time and celebration of life...
(will write more later)
1/26/2009
12/29/2008
a week of strange overtones
"Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
12/27/2008
12/14/2008
my longstanding love affair
It is 45 degrees and rainy outside on a gloomy Sunday in December.
Most folks would be starting a fire in their main rooms, curling up to a good book, their significant other or football game...
But days like these make me restless. Depressed even.
So I find my most devoted friend.
We have been through much together--listened to my rantings and sobs; my pity parties and my personal triumphs.
Still, battered from a year of daily abuse, I reach for them.
We know each other intimately. The miles we have covered, the hours of road and cinder and YMCA trauma...
I am talking about my favorite pair of running shoes.
Sure, I got a new pair, but they just don't feel the same. If you are a runner maybe you can relate to my story:
So, today I fished the old pair out of my closet (My Achilles Heel: I cannot throw out running shoes or bathing suits), put on the running garb, and made a 3-mile trek across the usual trails. Ahhh..the soggy, puddle laden track. I curse having to side step the mess and lose my stride in the process...It's not the same as summer. I usually retire my outside routine until Mid March-or early April. But today I HAD to go.
There has been too much crap recently that the only way I find absolute clarity is to do a road run. It's a lot like confession, honestly. And as I move along, the only thing I feel present is my mind. Putting Thoreau (or was it Emerson who spoke of the head?) aside, The body below is long gone--the legs, feet, arms, chest...I feel nothing but what I am currently working through at the time. I am a talking head.
When I stop moving, I am light headed (and still am 20 minutes later) and slightly frost burned. My throat is raw and my knees scream at me.
But the time was well worth it. I love my old running shoes.
They help me through even the worst of times.
Most folks would be starting a fire in their main rooms, curling up to a good book, their significant other or football game...
But days like these make me restless. Depressed even.
So I find my most devoted friend.
We have been through much together--listened to my rantings and sobs; my pity parties and my personal triumphs.
Still, battered from a year of daily abuse, I reach for them.
We know each other intimately. The miles we have covered, the hours of road and cinder and YMCA trauma...
I am talking about my favorite pair of running shoes.
Sure, I got a new pair, but they just don't feel the same. If you are a runner maybe you can relate to my story:
So, today I fished the old pair out of my closet (My Achilles Heel: I cannot throw out running shoes or bathing suits), put on the running garb, and made a 3-mile trek across the usual trails. Ahhh..the soggy, puddle laden track. I curse having to side step the mess and lose my stride in the process...It's not the same as summer. I usually retire my outside routine until Mid March-or early April. But today I HAD to go.
There has been too much crap recently that the only way I find absolute clarity is to do a road run. It's a lot like confession, honestly. And as I move along, the only thing I feel present is my mind. Putting Thoreau (or was it Emerson who spoke of the head?) aside, The body below is long gone--the legs, feet, arms, chest...I feel nothing but what I am currently working through at the time. I am a talking head.
When I stop moving, I am light headed (and still am 20 minutes later) and slightly frost burned. My throat is raw and my knees scream at me.
But the time was well worth it. I love my old running shoes.
They help me through even the worst of times.
12/08/2008
11/25/2008
cookie cutter
Some days I can manage the stress on my own.
I do my best to look at all the positive things in my life--say that others have it way worse and that is enough. I have a great job, great students, I manage to pay my bills on time and have a little food to get through each week. I have a great daughter and a few close friends to share most victories and pratfalls.
But there are days.
There are days when it takes everything that I have be the pillar of strength, to not want to break down; to just stop. The wheels are moving so fast and the pressure continues, the demands and requests pile up and I can barely keep my head above water.
I see my body wilting away into nothing as the stress continues to take its toll on me and my appetite. I try to not feel overwhelmed by it all..
I am so tired. I need someone to be there when I get home--to rub out the stress and tension built up so much that my back is a series of knots and I can no long straighten myself upright.
I want to be able to decompress after these eternal stretches of doubt and uncertainty and feeling incomplete and the lack of human touch or love from another.
Sometimes at night while lying there alone, I see this gingerbread cookie cutout in my mind. and with my fingers I imagine a razor blade reshaping the form to be perfect. But what is perfect?
I am not even close.
I do my best to look at all the positive things in my life--say that others have it way worse and that is enough. I have a great job, great students, I manage to pay my bills on time and have a little food to get through each week. I have a great daughter and a few close friends to share most victories and pratfalls.
But there are days.
There are days when it takes everything that I have be the pillar of strength, to not want to break down; to just stop. The wheels are moving so fast and the pressure continues, the demands and requests pile up and I can barely keep my head above water.
I see my body wilting away into nothing as the stress continues to take its toll on me and my appetite. I try to not feel overwhelmed by it all..
I am so tired. I need someone to be there when I get home--to rub out the stress and tension built up so much that my back is a series of knots and I can no long straighten myself upright.
I want to be able to decompress after these eternal stretches of doubt and uncertainty and feeling incomplete and the lack of human touch or love from another.
Sometimes at night while lying there alone, I see this gingerbread cookie cutout in my mind. and with my fingers I imagine a razor blade reshaping the form to be perfect. But what is perfect?
I am not even close.
11/18/2008
hero
There's a riot going on
And there's hunger in our midst.
Some people can't go on.
Some people call it quits.
When freedom is not the word
You'll find on Earth there's hell.
And U know one man saved the world
And he's in your heart as well.
(Chorus) Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
A man is sleeping on the street
Because he has no place to live.
A millionaire is eating meat.
How come we're not more sensitive?
And when abundance is for the few
That's where the hunger lies.
Responsibility rests on U.
So keep your head up to the sky.
performed by Victor Wooten
and watching THIS VIDEO STILL makes me so happy!
And there's hunger in our midst.
Some people can't go on.
Some people call it quits.
When freedom is not the word
You'll find on Earth there's hell.
And U know one man saved the world
And he's in your heart as well.
(Chorus) Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
Everybody's waiting for the hero, when the hero is in everyone.
A man is sleeping on the street
Because he has no place to live.
A millionaire is eating meat.
How come we're not more sensitive?
And when abundance is for the few
That's where the hunger lies.
Responsibility rests on U.
So keep your head up to the sky.
performed by Victor Wooten
and watching THIS VIDEO STILL makes me so happy!
11/17/2008
thankful
it's that time of year again.
when it's easy to pick out the haves and have nots.
Guess that's a good thing for all of us--at least you know where to sit at dinner parties.
funny how things change so quickly. making my thankful for list has become condensed and honest. leaving space on the other hand for after thought.
You know if you made the 2008 list.
Most of "the list" deals with the basics-
bills paid.
lilly
house and car
job
well--there you go.
when it's easy to pick out the haves and have nots.
Guess that's a good thing for all of us--at least you know where to sit at dinner parties.
funny how things change so quickly. making my thankful for list has become condensed and honest. leaving space on the other hand for after thought.
You know if you made the 2008 list.
Most of "the list" deals with the basics-
bills paid.
lilly
house and car
job
well--there you go.
10/31/2008
Halloween
What a perfect night for trick or treating! Lilly's fifth year and she had a great day of celebrating. It has been so much fun having my little ghost around!
10/26/2008
information inspiration
Ahh Hal'O' Eve.
Coming up soon.
I was heckled by a dear friend as to why I have not been posting to the blog lately..."oh, it's that Facebook thing, isn't it?"
Sheepishly I retorted,
"Well, you could always get a page..."
Clearly that was not happening.
So decided to write a bit here .
Good thing about the blog is that you can actually sit down and compose thoughts at length. The other good thing about MY blog is that --I can say with almost certainly-- very few people read it or even know it exists.
So if you are reading this--thanks.
ON THE FRONT:
Life is good!
I'm not free falling off the back of my couch but I am pretty happy with things at the moment.
Can one be content about work, home and love all at the same time? Perhaps fleeting, but if so, I am there at this moment.
I understand that people are put in our lives for reasons--some stay around awhile, so are migratory. I am pretty damn happy that the people I have in mine have not been fleeting as of late.
I love deeply and sincerely and give as much as I can to those few people who return it to me.
**
I suppose the educator of the year is something I should consider a once-in-a-career type occurrence. I honestly have not been sure how to respond to it, to others who congratulate me and how I tell anyone about it as it seems like we all work hard--we should all be recognized.
Still, in this small space I will mention that I received this award and it has in a small way helped me to come to grips with the fact that I might actually be a damn good teacher.
My girl is growing up so fast. I love her so much and am just so amazed at what she can do. She has many talents that are obvious, some that only a few see. Still, she (without bias) will be unstoppable -self-confident and charming beyond belief. It is cool to see.
Life is good. Hope it is where you are as well....
10/06/2008
back in 2002...
Hard to believe that was over 5 years ago. I think I am in better shape now than I was back then. I need to do another one just to be sure!
10/02/2008
when october goes
I woke at 5:00am to a toilet flushing in Lilly's bathroom. The wound chiming clock in my living room had also stopped overnight.
The ghost is back. Just in time for Halloween.
So it's October 2nd. The mornings are chilly and my hands grasp the steering wheel tightly as I drive to work through dew laden windows. I usually have to roll them down just to see. I will have to start wearing gloves. And coats. And heavy socks..and and and. Yuck. I hate clothing.
Lots of memories tied up with this time of year. I am doing surprisingly well, actually. We will see come October 5 and 8 if that remains true. Sigh.
I am looking forward to trying out Lotus with a few pals, as well as diverting my attention by hitting Brown County and the wineries.
Got lots to be thankful for.
They are just days--numbers on a calendar. Soon winter will be here, and spring...and summer once again.
The ghost is back. Just in time for Halloween.
So it's October 2nd. The mornings are chilly and my hands grasp the steering wheel tightly as I drive to work through dew laden windows. I usually have to roll them down just to see. I will have to start wearing gloves. And coats. And heavy socks..and and and. Yuck. I hate clothing.
Lots of memories tied up with this time of year. I am doing surprisingly well, actually. We will see come October 5 and 8 if that remains true. Sigh.
I am looking forward to trying out Lotus with a few pals, as well as diverting my attention by hitting Brown County and the wineries.
Got lots to be thankful for.
They are just days--numbers on a calendar. Soon winter will be here, and spring...and summer once again.
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