"Laura"

I've always had a thing for trumpet players.

But waking me up in the middle of the night with a song in my head and not able to sleep until I connect with the artist is borderline insanity. It was Clifford Brown w Strings and the song was

Laura

that had me up at 3 A.M. God, what a silky album. Who knew a guy with just a trumpet could be so good. Not that I want to make this into a review of the record, but the whole thing plays like a dream. Still,Laura was The One. Take a listen, won't you?

After further digging, Frank Sinatra sang it but I only know the instrumental version.

Laura is the face in the misty light/ Footsteps that you hear down the hall/ The laugh that floats on a summer night/ That you can never quite recall/ And you see Laura on a train that is passing through/ Those eyes how familiar they seem/ She gave your very first kiss to you/ That was Laura, but she's only a dream/ She gave your very first kiss to you/ That was Laura, but she's only a dream

Now back to sleep...

"Jesus Etc."

This song is about someone searching for answers; answers to questions that we cannot possibly conjure up an answer for. The questions are from someone going through a hard time and questioning the meaning of it all. So says the interwebs.

A panacea for all of us today personally and all Americans as well. I never made the connection with 9/11 but got it now.

I did manage to grab tickets to Wilco in April--Fort Wayne-- of all places. It's a divey little standing room only theatre called The Clyde Theatre on Bluffton Road. What is now the seedier side of "The Fort" as my dad used to call it. Mom and dad grew up in Fort Wayne. I would have killed myself living up there.

From the outside, the theatre resembles The Vogue but not as cool on the inside. I mention this only because Clyde is 3-4 miles from my deceased grandmas' houses as well as my Great Aunt Polly (and who doesn't have an aunt named Polly?). I haven't been back there in decades.Ok Jeff. Let's see what the draw is, Buddy!

I have to work today, so this is a short one. And Hey, if you are seeing this,

Don't cry You can rely on me, honey You can come by any time you want

"Time to go Inward" Rodney Crowell

I ran into a few of my old colleagues today at the Y. Dan and Joel are two guys (Lilly calls them "two awesome dudes") that always ask about my girl and with real interest. Both said, "Be sure to tell her I said hello." It makes a mom proud when you know people see your kid as one of the good ones. In all of the things I have done in life, I can at least take pride in not fucking up my kid.

Yesterday's marathon shovelling offered time to go inward. The repetitive motion of hefting the shovel and tossing the heavily packed snow to the side while shuffling my boots along the drive was meditative. Still, thinking (or overthinking) ended up putting me in a funk, and in turn, has had me in low vibration mode ever since.

As a person who is hardly ever idle, these days are difficult. And not just the fact of being snowed in- I feel like my life is the spinning wheel on the computer screen waiting for the page to reload. Is this time a necessary respite for me to find my new identity? Am I paying enough attention to the people and opportunities that have stumbled onto my path? Am I utilizing all of my resources or is it all just random? I don't even know what I want to do. It will show itself when the timing is right. Ha. Me and timing. That's a laugh.

I did manage to write my paper yesterday. I chose Mosel if anyone cares. Learned a bunch of useless facts about Romans and steep slopes and slate. But in case you are wondering, they make the best Rieslings in the world.

"Little Ole Wine Drinker Me"

I matched the man behind the bar for the jukebox/ And the music takes me back to Tennessee/ And they asked who's the fool in the corner crying/ I say a little ole wine drinker me/

While I like Dean's version, I think Merle really captures the essense of that song. I need to seek out that record!

I've been spending lots of time (months, actually) learning about wine, viticulture, terrior, regions, sensory evaluation of wine and beer. I have tried over 100 different wines and beers from all over the world. It's a tad overwhelming what it takes to be a Somm. It is an end goal. It's like having a PHD in wine. The Intro to Wine class was a breeze compared to Sensory Analysis. It is intense.

I have to choose a wine region to research. I have narrowed it down to 2 regions not too far from each other--- Alsace (Northeast France) and Mosel (SouthWest Germany).

I dream of visiting these places and taking it all in. In my younger years I focused primarily on dry reds. People who drank sweet wines were uncouth and didn't have a refined pallate. Man, I had a lot to learn. I used to think Kendall Jackson Chardonnay was "the good stuff" when now I know that buttery malolactic fermentated oak fwd stuff is trash.

Studying the whites has been pivotal in my wine journey. I never knew that each region, the soil, the climate, the viticulture can change what you see, smell and taste. In Intro to Beer, I learned that the water from the region changes the end product too.

I am also dreaming of visiting Tuscany again, but this time at a slower pace and more focus on the wine regions. I fell in love with Florence and vowed to return. Venice and Verona were also stunning. And now, with my ever-growing knowledge of wine, the trip will be more fulfilling. I'll make it back there someday.

too late too soon

Well, so much for my resolve of blogging more often. It's been three months since my last confession. I suppose being trapped inside after a 14" dump of snow and now wind chills in the negatives is a good enough reason to pick it up again.

But seriously, there is so much shit going on in the states right now that I am not lacking material. It's just too much.

I'm in a strange place. An unfamiliar place. Looking back on these posts from 2007-2010 and the paralyzing loneliness I was feeling, one would say I am in a better place. But this feeling of uncertainty, lack of purpose, lack of cash flow to do the things I want to do and with whom I want to do those things weighs on me. Am I in the right place? Am I following (一期一会)? Am I staying present in the now--not looking forward or back...

Remember to remember me Standing still in your past Floating fast like a hummingbird.

Ha- I just looked back a few old posts from October-- Not much has changed! Physically transformed. Mentally, not so much. FOMO is real when you retire. What do I need to prove? Why do I feel stuck? Who is safe to talk to and who will understand? Why do I need validation? From the outside I have everything I need.

"Nothing that I want, but Everything I need," quoting Lord Huron. My desire for travel to new places, to take a sledge hammer to my kitchen, to heal my decimated mangy cat and prevent my mother from offing herself are in the forefront of my mind.

But fostering friendships--my karmic debt-- has always been my Achillies heel. So much betrail and abandonment. Who can you trust? I guess this will have to do for now.

RIP, Mark H.

I just received the news that a brilliant friend dealing with a prolonged illness passed away yesterday. I feel the tears wanting to fall but need to keep it together for work. He was the kind of person whom you may only meet once but he left an indelible impression on you. And his illness that paralized him for years on end, held him in a perpetual state of stuck. He is free now. I'll miss you, Mark. I'm in a better headspace than I've been the past few days. It's crazy how low frequency vibes can be instantly hightened with just a few encouraging words from the right person. The seasons are changing and the moody skies are looming. Bring on the fall colors!

You go, Then I go, --Jon Stewart

Listening to Jeff Buckley's Grace this a.m. when I should be at the gym. I have the day to play but I need to do my readings for school. At least it is interesting to learn about wine vs. fill in the blank to your least interesting subject. I've been riding a low vibration for a few days and the guides are telling me to let it go. Summer is gone-just let it go. I miss summer. You can try manifesting all you want, but it doesn't change time. Maybe I will hear something today. But if not, I will have my answer. My Queen of Cups beats your 10 of Swords.

I decided: write or perish -James Salter

I feel compelled to write again. I must in order to lose this heaviness I feel on my chest. When thoughts are trapped inside with nowhere to be expressed, things start to come out sideways.

Looking back on my previous entrys I was a pretty good writer. Of course, I was trying to impress someone. That blew up in my face. I will need to exercise the muscle once again and work at it.

I love reading what my 35 year old self was thinking, feeling. That was twenty years ago now. So much has changed, but there are a few things that remain: the unquenchable unforgettable indescribable indelible feeling of unrequited love. The soul crushing gut wrenching knawing feeling of being rejected. The happy-face on the outside carrying the heaviness of loneliness and lack of depth in daily transactions between people. The longing for a deep soul connection that does not exist in this lifetime. And while I toil away ripping the days from the calendar, I think, what the fuck am I doing here?

And then they appear. But here we are, living our lives as planned. On cue. Divine timing does not seem to exist in my world. It's just complicated timing. Twin Flame timing. Sucks. My gut is telling me to run. My heart is telling me to whisper. My mind is telling me I was foolish for letting them in to see the real me.

Back to our old lives, I guess. I guess.

Reinvent and Reciprocate

We closed the pool today. And now that I have all the time in the world and nothing to do, I decided to put summer away. For good. While listening to Jeff Tweedy's new 3 cd release, Twilight Overdrive, I put it all away. Locked it up in the musty garage or the trashcan, whichever was more appropriate. I tore out the dried flowers and vines, the dead leaves that used to give way to lush green with delicate delicate peony petals. As Jeff sang to me, I heard every word, as if he was telling my story. "Scratching at the dead Golden lawn/A leaning doe and a shaking fawn/I called for you/Then they were gone/A planet without moons/A clock with no noons/Too late, too soon/Love is for love." I am silently mourning the loss of the summer, of a friend, of myself. While leaving my job was the healthiest thing for me, I feel a sense of betrayal and a void in what used to be purpose. I hope to find that purpose once again. But for now, the tires are spinning in the mud so deep I don't think I'll ever get out.

welcome back

Hellooooo out there. "Wait..don't turn the page. I'm not finished. Life is so uncertain.." Lyle Lovett

7/22

Today is July 22nd. I flip to my calendar and see that I have about 3 weeks left.
I had several goals set out for this summer, one of which was to cleanse myself of relationships that weren't working and find someone new. And I am half way there.
My heart is closed to the past and open to the future.

Sometimes I feel the winds of change just around the corner. I see a glint of possibility only to watch them retreat and disappear. Then the measuring stick of comparison comes out. I watch everyone around me happily coupling off, taking fabulous trips and doing exciting things.. and I remain solo. As if asking someone to go out with me isn't hard enough, it is worse to be rejected over and over again.
So, I stopped asking.

I am trying to look forward to an event planned that will be fun. But things just don't seem all that exciting knowing I will be going alone. As much as I love the adventure, I am weary of traveling by myself.

Still, after 2 disastrous trips with guys, I vowed that I won't do that again until he is the right one. THE one.

It has been a disappointing summer on many levels. I suppose this was the summer to let go of the people that were going nowhere in my life and make way for the new.

If only fate could speed up that process.
If only....

looking forward...to the end....

Hello old friend.


It has been a long time. Thought I would catch you up to speed.
I had a dream last night.
Usually I don't remember my dreams, but this was one of those indelible dreams that stays with you for days, if not forever.
I am still uncertain to whether or not it was the end of the world, or just the end of MY world as I know it. Still there was a lot going on with flooding waters, sinking parking garages and people deciding to jump or drown. The freak show that ensued afterward that was my choice of jumping was no picnic, let me tell you. But watching the folks sitting on the sinking concrete disappear into the muddy waters below, was haunting. What does it all mean, I ask you?

Anyway, life buzzes by in such a blur. I spend too much time making plans for things that take relatively no time to do and it is over before I have a chance to enjoy or even reflect upon it. I am currently planning things for January and July and am missing the very things I planned back in December to enjoy now.


Must live in the now, you know?

here I am

I am standing by the river
I will be standing here forever
Tho you're on the other side
My face you still can see
Why won't you look at me
Here l am

Today was a grey, gloomy Sunday here in South-Central Indiana. It's the time of year when folks give up the fight simply because it so damned depressing outside that one can only dream of summertime or kill oneself. The obit. section is littered with the faces of those who were unable to make it til spring.

I have a confession.
I have not posted in months.

But as Emmylou puts it...here I am...



I am searching thru the canyon
It is your name that I am calling
Tho you're so far away
I know you hear my plea
Why won't you answer me
Here I am

I am in the blood of your heart
The breath of your lung
Why do you run for cover
You are from the dirt of the earth
And the kiss of my mouth
I have always been your lover
Here I am

I am the promise never broken
And my arms are ever open
In this harbor calm and still
I will wait until
Until you come to me
Here I am