10/31/2004

10:14

***
i drink good coffee every morning
comes from a place that's far away
and when i'm done
i feel like talking
without you here
there is less to say.

***

it's been hard this week for some reason.
i was so emotional friday i had to leave work early-just basically walked out.
i cannot stand it when people say, "have a nice weekend." i have the impulse to say to everyone, "fuck you." i am sure i will one of these days.

i used to run for meditative purposes. it was a great think and work through problems or to plan creatively on upcoming projects.
my department chair said that when she went through her divorce she started running. she is now the cross country coach of a # 1 team. there is something to be said for finding something wonderful in an unexpected way.
before my triathalon i would focus on the eyes of someone i loved-- same person every time. while focusing i didn't feel anything--no cramps, no burning in my chest when my lungs needed air, no pain in the knees. it would be a good five miles before i would come to. it was a great feeling having him along with me.

i can't remember the last time i went running.

the first thing i did when i walked out of work was headed to the YMCA. I had not been in there in over two months. my wasted body trying to lift the minimum weight on each machine was laughable--and frightening. my power was gone. my strength, my stamina, my focus--gone. i laid on the mat and watched the t.v. for awhile and went home.

***
don't want you thinking
i'm unhappy
what is closer to the truth
if i lived till i was 102
just don't think i'll ever get over you.

***

i am going off all meds (well, i cannot envision stopping the sleeping pills yet) to see what happens. the blisters are almost gone now, and it only feels like a hole the size of a quarter on the roof of my mouth. it feels like i have herpies--might as well. god knows i deserve to have them.

***
no longer moved to drink
strong whiskey
i shook the hand of time and i knew
if i live to no longer climb my stairs
just don't think i'll ever get over you.

****
i hate how the saddness always creeps in on fridays. i hate fridays.

saturday morning was crisp and beautiful. i rode my bike around town and decided to make a mental list of things that still, even at 34 amaze me.

1. the unpredictible wind and the damage it can do
2. how everything stops when an emergency vehicle sirens and roars its way through busy traffic
3. the contrast between the green turf of a football field and the crimson of thousands of fans in the stands--and the bright cloudless blue sky.
4. the image of a woman walking through a wall of golden leaves, tossing her hair, skirt, everything into the air.
5. how music, especially country music, can level me to a blubbering idiot--over and over again.
6. the way intense memories stay with me and make me sigh, sucking in my breath for a brief moment.

***
your face it dances
and it haunts me
laughter still ringing in my ears
still find pieces of your presence
even after all these years.

***

so it's sunday.
i have to come back in here tomorrow
and i loathe it.