crappy corporate coffee

there are so many song lyrics that have been written about how i feel IN THE MOMENT that is now. and funny, how i always see it coming but still when the words come they hit me the same way every time.

i thought of this last night as i watched each hour pass-- and between puking and crying and rocking my daughter back to sleep i was so glad for morning to finally arrive.

****
today would have been my 11th anniversary. happy anniversary dan.

ah lifelifelife. the study of life biology!! lovely fucking life.
dan majored in biology. he did his final thesis in the state forests of Indiana studying the mating patterns of --you guessed it--birds. he loved loons especially and one year we went "decadant" camping up in the boundary waters we spent the sunsets in canoes in the tall reeds on the beautiful, sometimes shallow lakes following the loons for hours. he even had a few cds of loon calls that he would play on the 13 hour drive up. people are funny, you know?

biology and medicine. science and medicine.
i was never good at those--life or chemistry especially.

I pulled my card last night: TLAZOLTEOTL

She is a Toltec earth mother, the goddess of carnal love and desire. Like Kali in India, she is portrayed as a horrible devouring figure yet is also honored as a moving, creative principle.
She is sometimes pictured as four sisters (the four ages of women) who are present at the crossroads of one's life. Once in a lifetime, a person confessed her worst deeds and sins to Tlazolteotl, holding back nothing. In return the confessor received absolution: no impurity or defilement was too great to be forgiven.
Tlazolteotl is that deep part of ourselves that we fear because it is so powerful and unfamiliar. Yet when we touch her through her fearsome countenance, we find absolute mercy.
She isproof that anything that can overwhelm and destroy us also has the power to heal and grant forgiveness.
******

sigh.
so, I bury myself again. why did I even allow myself to go there?
oh....and definitely NEVER to Starbucks.

Enjoy the silence.
Ciao.

Happy Hall-o-ween

Took a walk alone last night
Slept inside your head
It was raining hard again,
crawled back into bed
Tried to catch up to you
But you moved too fast
Thought about a million things
Fell asleep at last
Got up again last night
Tore all over town
Skidding tires screeching brakes
Barely make a sound
We were on a winding road
Going 65
Slid along an icy stretch, made it back alive
Little eyes are open but they don't see very far
You can only hurt the ones you love
Not the ones you're thinking of
Little eyes are open but they're sinking back again
Don't you know you're sleeping much too long
Wake up little eyes
Moving but not gaining any ground
Climbing up the escalator as it takes you down
Last night I heard this sound
Echoed everywhere
Like a buzzing amplifier
Burning through the air
It's still raining hard, you said
Have you any clue?
Is it ever gonna stop?
I guess that's up to you
Little eyes are open but they don't see very far
You can only hurt the ones you love
Not the ones you're thinking of
Little eyes are open but they're sinking back again
Don't you know you're sleeping much too long
Wake up little eyes

pretty, pretty

"letter in november"

Love, the world
suddenly turns, turns colour. The streetlight
splits through the rat's tail
Pods of the laburnum at nine in the morning.
It is Arctic,



This little black
circle, with its tawn silk grasses--babies' hair.
there is a green in the air,
soft, delectable.
It cushions me lovingly.


I am flush and warm.
I think I may be enormous,
I am so stupidly happy,
My Welligntons
Squelching and squelching through the beautiful red.

This is my poetry.
Two times a day
I pace it, sniffing
The barbarous holly with its viridian
Scallops, pure iron,

And the wall of old corpses.
I love them.
I love them like history.
The apples are golden,
Imagine it--

My seventy trees
Holding their gold-ruddy balls
In a thick grey death-soup
Their million
Gold leaves metal and breathless.
O love, O celibate.
Nobody but me
Walks the waist high wet.
The irreplaceable
Golds bleed and deepen, the mouths of Thermopylae.

"poppies in october"

Even the sun-clouds this morning cannont manage such skirts.
Nor the woman in the ambulance
Whose red heart blooms through her coat so astoundingly--

A gift, a love gift
Utterly unasked for
By a sky

Paley and flamily
Igniting its carbon monoxides, by eyes
Dulled toa hault under bowlers.

O my God, what am I
That these late mouths should cry open
In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers.

Sylvia Plath, fm. Ariel

Thank you for the peace of silence and quietude.
Thank you for time to read alone in my favorite room, bathed in key light on the floor, books all around.
I pick one up and leaf through its pages.
I read a for awhile and find another.

The night is cool and chilly
and still.

I stop and sigh.

Thank you for the peace of silence and quietude.
Thank you.

Lotus in Bloomington

Good (crazy) times here this weekend in Bloomington. One of the many reasons I love my Hometown.
Lots of great music and positive vibes happening here.


Hope all is well where you are.

TGIF

signature colour

Look around, come to me
I have no answers, but know where I wanna be
I look around, play a part
I was born in the winter and cooled by a warm heart

reminiscing

Hurry, don't be late, I can hardly wait
I said to myself when we're old
We'll go dancing in the dark
Walking through the park and reminiscing



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Great song lyrics for an emotional time of year.
If you get a chance to play it, think of me.

Moody skies, woodsmoke and dry leaves
go together so well.




Friday night, it was late,
I was walking you home
We got down to the gate and I was dreaming of the night
Would it turn out right
How to tell you girl
I wanna build my world around you
Tell you that it's true
I wanna make you understand i'm talkin' about a lifetime plan

Fall is fast approaching. Here is to my new outlook on fall!
(p.s. Lilly took that last photo. Her first picture taken!!)

silence is the only true religion

...Not sure where that quote came from actually. I wrote it down on a ripped out strip of paper while rushing around in a fog in Paris this summer. I must have been staring at Notre Dame because there is also an attempt at a gargoyle sketched on the bottom of the page. also the words: "Piety", "Elusive" and under that, "I surrender"
The tag line quote, I believe, came from Eat, Pray Love.
A great book to read if you are experiencing lots of life changes. It is written from a woman's perspective, but I think men could easily relate.

So Andrew Bird. Wow. This was my third time seeing this manic genius. He is amazing to watch. You can see he is totally in love with music. And the lyrics made sense for the first time last night. Perhaps because of a 2 hour session where I was told that I have a roller coaster inside of me. This is true. This is very true.

So, after just marveling in Bird's unbelievable energy and passion, it was "Opposite Day" that had me blown away. And this passage specifically did it:

Those who can't quite function in society at large
They've got to wake up on this morning to find that they're in charge
But those the world's set up for, who are really doing quite well
They're going to wake up in institutions
In prison or in hell
Prison or in hell

Today was supposed to be the day
Molecules decide to change their form
Laws of physics lose their sway
Youthful indiscretion now is suddenly the norm
With the good kids sprouting horns, yeah yeah
And today was supposed to be

Not just another day
Today was supposed to be
Not just another day
Today was supposed to be
Not just another day
Toady was supposed to be
Not just another day
It was supposed to be, today was supposed to be
And today

But if you think there's something else
Well you're right, there is
There's something else
But if you think I'm gonna tell you, think again
Why should I even think of telling you what there is

Yeah, 'cause silence is knowledge
And knowledge is power
I'm under explicit orders to dare not speak its name
Listen up, I just work here
Oh I dare not speak its name
I can't keep talking about it
Oh, I dare not speak its name

effect emptiness to the extreme

Effect emptiness to the extreme.
Keep stillness whole.
Myraid things act in concert.
I therefore watch their return.
All things flourish and each returns to its roots.

Returning to the root is called quietude.
Quietude is called returning to life.
Return to life is called constant.
Knowing this constant is called illumination.
Acting arbitrarily without knowing the constant is harmful.
Knowing the constant is receptivity, which is impartial.

Impartiaility is kingship.
Kingship is heaven.
Heaven is Tao.
Tao is eternal.

Though you lose the body, you do not die.

countdown

"Time remaining to complete the course: 56 days"

This is what keeps me up at night.
This is what drives me back into work after putting in a 10 hour day at 7p.m.

I resent this. I do.

I resent that it actually COSTS $$$$ to work these days.
Hard work means seemingly nothing.

So some jackass is playing "Love Me Do" over and over in the adjacent room to mine and I am gritting my teeth ...someone to love...somebody new...someone to love...someone like you...Must be HISTORY OF ROCK AND ROLL.

ok, no it is definitely a survey course of THE BEATLES.

come on, come on come on come on...please please me oh yeah like I please you (over and over...)

lucky lucky me

God, if it were really that easy....

lost key

there is a key on my key ring
it doesn't open any door

often I forget it is even there.

still, it remains on my ring and makes a special sound
when it brushes against my legs while driving.

the key is special to me
unlocking special memories

there is a key on my key ring
it doesn't open any door

still, I know it is there.

censor your life

After a short brooding run today I decided to come back into my air-conditon building and write.
True, it is the weekend. True, I want to go out and enjoy it.

Still while running I was pushed into black cloud state and want to get it off my chest.

I was thinking how much I have to censor what I write on here and take the comment box out, censor what music I choose to play on the radio and censor what I say to people in passing.
It angered me today to know that I can't play certain songs any more for fear "someone is listening" and it might be interpreted wrong.


It overtakes .......you know what? I can't even write about this because..well, for this very reason.

I am done thinking about this situation and the isolated occurrence that made me feel this way. I am OVER IT and will now log out and enjoy spending time with my awesome daughter.

Fair thee well.