crappy corporate coffee

there are so many song lyrics that have been written about how i feel IN THE MOMENT that is now. and funny, how i always see it coming but still when the words come they hit me the same way every time.

i thought of this last night as i watched each hour pass-- and between puking and crying and rocking my daughter back to sleep i was so glad for morning to finally arrive.

****
today would have been my 11th anniversary. happy anniversary dan.

ah lifelifelife. the study of life biology!! lovely fucking life.
dan majored in biology. he did his final thesis in the state forests of Indiana studying the mating patterns of --you guessed it--birds. he loved loons especially and one year we went "decadant" camping up in the boundary waters we spent the sunsets in canoes in the tall reeds on the beautiful, sometimes shallow lakes following the loons for hours. he even had a few cds of loon calls that he would play on the 13 hour drive up. people are funny, you know?

biology and medicine. science and medicine.
i was never good at those--life or chemistry especially.

I pulled my card last night: TLAZOLTEOTL

She is a Toltec earth mother, the goddess of carnal love and desire. Like Kali in India, she is portrayed as a horrible devouring figure yet is also honored as a moving, creative principle.
She is sometimes pictured as four sisters (the four ages of women) who are present at the crossroads of one's life. Once in a lifetime, a person confessed her worst deeds and sins to Tlazolteotl, holding back nothing. In return the confessor received absolution: no impurity or defilement was too great to be forgiven.
Tlazolteotl is that deep part of ourselves that we fear because it is so powerful and unfamiliar. Yet when we touch her through her fearsome countenance, we find absolute mercy.
She isproof that anything that can overwhelm and destroy us also has the power to heal and grant forgiveness.
******

sigh.
so, I bury myself again. why did I even allow myself to go there?
oh....and definitely NEVER to Starbucks.

Enjoy the silence.
Ciao.