6/10/2008
arms open; palms out
Billy Bragg Lyrics
Someday, Some Morning, Sometime Lyrics
wow whee.
It is summer and it has been the easiest transition on record for me. Been doing lots of fun stuff and embracing my idle time. The mind is still active and contemplating big change for me and the inner work continues.
The insane flooding and storms that have left south central Indiana paralyzed have been a reminder to me that stuff is really not important. I hear talk from family and friends about basements being flooded and costing thousands of dollars, never putting stuff in cardboard boxes for storage, how much the running cost of a blower is per hour, etc. and I am glad that #1 I live on a hill and out of a flood plane and #2 that I have very little at this point to lose.
I did have yet another run in with computer bullshit-- and here's how the story goes:
After living without internet at home for a year, I decided to splurge for the summer and get it at home.
Day 1 Scheduled appt., Guy came over, tried to download antivirus package--no go. HUGE STORM knocking out power for hours. FUCK.
Day 2 turn on computer COMPUTER INFECTED WITH VIRUSES unfortnuately, the internet WON'T START
growl..i hate technology...
so, my 3rd time losing everything on the computer. LESSON LEARNED-- who cares? it's just music and files and pictures.
Make more music.
Make more memories.
Keep writing.
oh yeah--and the abigail washburn and sparrow queartet show at the bird sunday was incredible. great musicians--great music.
If you are reading this, I hope you are well. I think of you often.
6/01/2008
I'm doing fine
Summer has finally arrived in my town-and the first three days have been some of the best ever for me.
I have my mental list of goals both personal and professional and have started to make a dent in both. My vacation is less than 2 weeks away and even though my closest friend and confidant is gone for a week, I have managed to make a few new friends and have spent the time laughing, playing, relaxing, eating and remembering what it's like to live fully.
The weather is finally warming up, giving me lots of time to run outside and I am adding to my mileage by the day. I am always amazed at how quickly I regain my sea legs after being cooped up on precors all winter long. Gots to get the swim suit bod back--and am almost there!
Getting ready to see Bela Fleck, Ben Sorrell and Abigail Washburn next weekend as well as Wilco in August, have my summer education paid for (1 grad credit) and am looking forward to writing for school again.
On the home front, plans abound starting with finishing the drywall in Lill's bathroom and installing a ceiling fan in the living room. The windows should arrive any day now and that will be a nice addition to the place.
I am binging on music these days--filling myself to the brim with new artists and old..
I love how summer time allows for so much expansive thinking and living!!
Off to Grand Canyon soon....
I have my mental list of goals both personal and professional and have started to make a dent in both. My vacation is less than 2 weeks away and even though my closest friend and confidant is gone for a week, I have managed to make a few new friends and have spent the time laughing, playing, relaxing, eating and remembering what it's like to live fully.
The weather is finally warming up, giving me lots of time to run outside and I am adding to my mileage by the day. I am always amazed at how quickly I regain my sea legs after being cooped up on precors all winter long. Gots to get the swim suit bod back--and am almost there!
Getting ready to see Bela Fleck, Ben Sorrell and Abigail Washburn next weekend as well as Wilco in August, have my summer education paid for (1 grad credit) and am looking forward to writing for school again.
On the home front, plans abound starting with finishing the drywall in Lill's bathroom and installing a ceiling fan in the living room. The windows should arrive any day now and that will be a nice addition to the place.
I am binging on music these days--filling myself to the brim with new artists and old..
I love how summer time allows for so much expansive thinking and living!!
Off to Grand Canyon soon....
5/13/2008
may day
Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and shirt
How'd I end up feeing so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
Las cienega just smiled... "see ya around"
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye
"Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's off with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La cienega just smiles and says, I'll see you around" ryan adams
I woke with a start this morning. It was about 2:10am. For the next two hours, while my girl slept next to me, my thoughts drifted from topic to topic. It's May day.
I used to love May--warm temps, school winding down, outside recreation, and the city was mine again. But the last two years, it has been a struggle. I hate that mid-may also marks the anniversary of the end to several important relationships for me.
Last year I tried to start fresh with also signing the papers to my own home on the week of the same. The dealings of moving, painting, remodeling and the loose ends of the entire production took the focus away from the pain from year's past when I signed those divorce papers.
So we move on...and as the hours passed last night, I realized how sad and lonely I have been this year. Just like a low grade fever that keeps you slightly off, I have felt this way for months and months.
I can count on one hand the times I felt happy. Not blissful. But content with things. Was this a direct reflection of how I felt about myself? Was it circumstantial? Had I been holding on to something I knew was transatory but not allowing myself to digest it?
It has made me angry. bitter. resentful. totally untrusting of everyone. hateful. pissed off. cynical. jaded. done. I am hurt. I am done.
And now the words that Clint used to utter while drinking his vodka tonic in a mason jar ring clearly in my ears--moreso now than ever: all relationships are doomed.
Maybe the wounds are still fresh and I am just ridiculously emotional. Maybe the collected days and months of burying feelings have finally found their way to the surface. I don't know. I just know I don't like the way I am feeling. And it has to stop now.
I am so looking forward to getting out of this holding pattern that has been my life. In a matter of weeks I hope to transform from a stupid crysalysis into a butterfly and man, I am gonna fly fly away.
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and shirt
How'd I end up feeing so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
Las cienega just smiled... "see ya around"
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye
"Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's off with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La cienega just smiles and says, I'll see you around" ryan adams
I woke with a start this morning. It was about 2:10am. For the next two hours, while my girl slept next to me, my thoughts drifted from topic to topic. It's May day.
I used to love May--warm temps, school winding down, outside recreation, and the city was mine again. But the last two years, it has been a struggle. I hate that mid-may also marks the anniversary of the end to several important relationships for me.
Last year I tried to start fresh with also signing the papers to my own home on the week of the same. The dealings of moving, painting, remodeling and the loose ends of the entire production took the focus away from the pain from year's past when I signed those divorce papers.
So we move on...and as the hours passed last night, I realized how sad and lonely I have been this year. Just like a low grade fever that keeps you slightly off, I have felt this way for months and months.
I can count on one hand the times I felt happy. Not blissful. But content with things. Was this a direct reflection of how I felt about myself? Was it circumstantial? Had I been holding on to something I knew was transatory but not allowing myself to digest it?
It has made me angry. bitter. resentful. totally untrusting of everyone. hateful. pissed off. cynical. jaded. done. I am hurt. I am done.
And now the words that Clint used to utter while drinking his vodka tonic in a mason jar ring clearly in my ears--moreso now than ever: all relationships are doomed.
Maybe the wounds are still fresh and I am just ridiculously emotional. Maybe the collected days and months of burying feelings have finally found their way to the surface. I don't know. I just know I don't like the way I am feeling. And it has to stop now.
I am so looking forward to getting out of this holding pattern that has been my life. In a matter of weeks I hope to transform from a stupid crysalysis into a butterfly and man, I am gonna fly fly away.
5/12/2008
weekend musings
He was too good to me.
How will I get along now?
So close he stood to me.
Everything seems all wrong now.
He would have brought me the sun.
Making me smile, that was his fun.
When I was mean to him
He'd never say, "Go away, now."
I was a queen to him.
Who's gonna light my way now?
It's only natural that I'm blue.
He was too good to be true.
How will I get along now?
So close he stood to me.
Everything seems all wrong now.
He would have brought me the sun.
Making me smile, that was his fun.
When I was mean to him
He'd never say, "Go away, now."
I was a queen to him.
Who's gonna light my way now?
It's only natural that I'm blue.
He was too good to be true.
5/09/2008
lilly5/06/2008
life is good: a cautionary tale
I have lots to say. Unfortunately, as it goes, I only have about 10 minutes to say it. So this will require tweaking. This song brought clarity on my long drive, so I listened to it while writing as well. Ironically, the video itself scans NY city and all its hidden beauty and ugliness. No wonder I thought it appropriate for this piece of writing. "Green Arrow"
Like so many that must stop to eat, or sleep, I find myself unable to continue when thoughts have been brewing and need to surface. They fester while driving in city traffic at 4-way stops and lights, they stew in rural settings while battling the other lane traffic driving way too fast.
Still, the thoughts linger and grow, or bloom and grow as in the lovely "edelweiss". The best ones are recorded here.
In my childhood while leaving a beautiful oasis and clear to me that I would never be returning, I made an effort to take in those last few details--sights and smells mostly--before departing for good. As I grew older, these kinds of situations happened more and more frequently--visiting different countries, friends from far away, even visitations or funerals for loved ones--these places, objects, and faces left an imprint on my memory and remain to this day.
As the gift of writing exposed its wretched head, I reminded myself (as my mother continues to do..) that it was my duty to record these memories in some written form for others to see but more for a keepsake for myself-- as a photograph captured in time.
This is one of those times.
As I mentioned leaving a place that one realizes will be their last visit marks a memory and in my case never returning requires a longer gaze, a keen eye for detail and an almost inevitable don't-look-back-emotional quality. I often say, "this will make great fodder for a book," it will not so much be fodder, but what seems to be real life for me. Humor can most always be found hinged to tragedy in some way. Ask Chekhov if you don't believe me.
Anyway, I don't mean this to be dramatic. It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.
No denying it, over the past four years I have built up a tolerance to beginning and abrupt endings; and have lost (for the most part) the necessity for attaching my "self" to people or things and living distanced from too much intimacy. Not intimacy as an amourous act or even relationship so much as the closeness of others and letting people in.
I am currrently reading a book that seems to stress these themes-- Love in the Time of Cholera (Spanish: ''El amor en los tiempos del cólera'', 1985) is a novel by Gabriel García Márquez about a fifty-year love triangle between Fermina Daza, Florentino Ariza, and Doctor Juvenal Urbino set in the late 19th century and the first decades of the 20th century (roughly 1880 to 1930). The novel, a tale of unrequited love, explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility.
As many can attest, if the bitter wind of love rips you once, even twice, one
learns to exercise caution from then on. But losing someone slowly whether to circumstance or illness or age, carrying it on over long periods....these things are even more difficult to endure.....
So letting go and trying to burn an image of a day spent, a place explored, a grassy meadow, a quarry, a playground, a ravine--the fragrance in the air, the placement of the sun and clouds, the gate of a child, the sad eyes of a tired friend, the green water in mason jars holding bright yellow mustard plants, the hearts taped to the love nest, the eagle--no hawk-- soaring low look for its prey, the bliss in a child's eyes upon eating the sweet, the lovely arrangement of lilacs and hydrangas lovingly picked for a spouse set next to her place at the table, the trembling hand of an elder clutching a purple vase, the careless way books are loved and stored, the beauty of springtime, the grim look upon a loved ones face receiving bad news, the trail of crumbs left from a child, the celebratory wine glasses left from the evening before, the dried dandy lion presented with earnest after doing a bad thing, the plough-plop of rocks tossed in a creek bed, the pileup of shoes scattered next to a nearby doorway.... the sound of gravel bouncing off the wheel chambers of my car as I drive away for the last time.
I
Like so many that must stop to eat, or sleep, I find myself unable to continue when thoughts have been brewing and need to surface. They fester while driving in city traffic at 4-way stops and lights, they stew in rural settings while battling the other lane traffic driving way too fast.
Still, the thoughts linger and grow, or bloom and grow as in the lovely "edelweiss". The best ones are recorded here.
In my childhood while leaving a beautiful oasis and clear to me that I would never be returning, I made an effort to take in those last few details--sights and smells mostly--before departing for good. As I grew older, these kinds of situations happened more and more frequently--visiting different countries, friends from far away, even visitations or funerals for loved ones--these places, objects, and faces left an imprint on my memory and remain to this day.
As the gift of writing exposed its wretched head, I reminded myself (as my mother continues to do..) that it was my duty to record these memories in some written form for others to see but more for a keepsake for myself-- as a photograph captured in time.
This is one of those times.
As I mentioned leaving a place that one realizes will be their last visit marks a memory and in my case never returning requires a longer gaze, a keen eye for detail and an almost inevitable don't-look-back-emotional quality. I often say, "this will make great fodder for a book," it will not so much be fodder, but what seems to be real life for me. Humor can most always be found hinged to tragedy in some way. Ask Chekhov if you don't believe me.
Anyway, I don't mean this to be dramatic. It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.
No denying it, over the past four years I have built up a tolerance to beginning and abrupt endings; and have lost (for the most part) the necessity for attaching my "self" to people or things and living distanced from too much intimacy. Not intimacy as an amourous act or even relationship so much as the closeness of others and letting people in.
I am currrently reading a book that seems to stress these themes-- Love in the Time of Cholera (Spanish: ''El amor en los tiempos del cólera'', 1985) is a novel by Gabriel García Márquez about a fifty-year love triangle between Fermina Daza, Florentino Ariza, and Doctor Juvenal Urbino set in the late 19th century and the first decades of the 20th century (roughly 1880 to 1930). The novel, a tale of unrequited love, explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility.
As many can attest, if the bitter wind of love rips you once, even twice, one
learns to exercise caution from then on. But losing someone slowly whether to circumstance or illness or age, carrying it on over long periods....these things are even more difficult to endure.....
So letting go and trying to burn an image of a day spent, a place explored, a grassy meadow, a quarry, a playground, a ravine--the fragrance in the air, the placement of the sun and clouds, the gate of a child, the sad eyes of a tired friend, the green water in mason jars holding bright yellow mustard plants, the hearts taped to the love nest, the eagle--no hawk-- soaring low look for its prey, the bliss in a child's eyes upon eating the sweet, the lovely arrangement of lilacs and hydrangas lovingly picked for a spouse set next to her place at the table, the trembling hand of an elder clutching a purple vase, the careless way books are loved and stored, the beauty of springtime, the grim look upon a loved ones face receiving bad news, the trail of crumbs left from a child, the celebratory wine glasses left from the evening before, the dried dandy lion presented with earnest after doing a bad thing, the plough-plop of rocks tossed in a creek bed, the pileup of shoes scattered next to a nearby doorway.... the sound of gravel bouncing off the wheel chambers of my car as I drive away for the last time.
I
4/30/2008
"only a dream"
only a dream
that i had
in the night
only a dream
but it felt
so right
well i was down there
in the moonlight
i was holding you tight
but it was only a dream
only a dream
only a dream
that knocks me off my feet
only a dream
have you dancing
in the street
and that big band
keeps on playing
joe henry's retreat
but only a dream
only in my dream
only a dream
but somebody tried to knock me down
only a dream
keeps on hanging around
only a dream
we're rolling in the snow
only a dream
we just couldn't let go
i sit outside your window
just like romeo
but it's only a dream
yes, only a dream
but someone tries to knock me down
to the ground
but it was only a dream
but it's just a dream
still hanging around.
that i had
in the night
only a dream
but it felt
so right
well i was down there
in the moonlight
i was holding you tight
but it was only a dream
only a dream
only a dream
that knocks me off my feet
only a dream
have you dancing
in the street
and that big band
keeps on playing
joe henry's retreat
but only a dream
only in my dream
only a dream
but somebody tried to knock me down
only a dream
keeps on hanging around
only a dream
we're rolling in the snow
only a dream
we just couldn't let go
i sit outside your window
just like romeo
but it's only a dream
yes, only a dream
but someone tries to knock me down
to the ground
but it was only a dream
but it's just a dream
still hanging around.
4/14/2008
feist-y
Song lyrics | Intuition lyrics
What gives what helps the intuition?
I know I'll know
I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although although
They can lead you
Break or defeat you
A destination known
Only by the one
Who's fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home in half
A love is not complete with only heat
And they can tease you
Break or complete you
And it came a heat wave
A merciful save
You choose you chose
Poetry over prose
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I, did I
Did I did I miss out on you?
4/11/2008
nesting!
No better way to start spring than finding a fresh nest by my door.
This bird used ribbons and weeds from the garden I pulled yesterday. Happy spring!
4/06/2008
april is...
So the countdown is on until the show opens and I (sort of) get my life back.
Been contemplating many things lately but have no idea how to articulate them...
the weather promises to be in the 70s this week finally and that will help with moodiness. It has been an extremely long winter.
I often wonder why people come into my life and the circumstances with which they leave. I am usually sad if the departure has to do with me. I ask myself what is it that brings me joy and happiness. Most of the time it involves activities of solitude and challenge. This includes big projects that end with a tangible and visual product. Most of the time another person is not part of my list of joy seeking. In fact, quite the contrary. I wonder why that is so?
I do like people. I enjoy the company of others for the most part.
I suppose I just like to make my own decisions and follow my own clock.
***
So spring is awakening in my sleepy town. My girl turns 5 in about a week.
If you are reading this page and have had some place in my life--be it past or present--thanks. I think of you and hope all is well.
The best thing I have heard lately--is that I smell like Germany. That's nice.
Now off to pick daffodils.
Ciao.
Been contemplating many things lately but have no idea how to articulate them...
the weather promises to be in the 70s this week finally and that will help with moodiness. It has been an extremely long winter.
I often wonder why people come into my life and the circumstances with which they leave. I am usually sad if the departure has to do with me. I ask myself what is it that brings me joy and happiness. Most of the time it involves activities of solitude and challenge. This includes big projects that end with a tangible and visual product. Most of the time another person is not part of my list of joy seeking. In fact, quite the contrary. I wonder why that is so?
I do like people. I enjoy the company of others for the most part.
I suppose I just like to make my own decisions and follow my own clock.
***
So spring is awakening in my sleepy town. My girl turns 5 in about a week.
If you are reading this page and have had some place in my life--be it past or present--thanks. I think of you and hope all is well.
The best thing I have heard lately--is that I smell like Germany. That's nice.
Now off to pick daffodils.
Ciao.
3/28/2008
gatekeeper
Well it's time to begin as the summer sets in
It's the scene
You set for new lovers
You play your part painting in a new start
But each gate will open another
June July and August said
"It's probably hard to plan ahead"
June July and August said
"It's better to bask in each others"
Gatekeeper seasons wait for your nod
Gatekeeper you held your breath
Made the summer go on and on
Well they tried to stay in from the cold and wind
Making love and making their dinner
Only to find that the love that they grew in the summer
Froze
February April said
"Don't be fooled by the summer again"
February April said
"That half of the year, well we'll never be friends"
It's Friday. Its (not) spring here in Bloomington-- yeah yeah.
I am gearing up for WIZARD on the 17th.
And listening to a lot of FEIST.
Looking forward to that show as well!
Lots of options for travel this summer. Its nice to have options. Just wish I had a companion. Still, the Grand Canyon looks to be #1 on the list.
hope you are well, wherever you are.
3/18/2008
something's coming
There is something going on with me
but I'm not sure what it is.
I sense an overwhelming change coming tied with sadness.
I see myself in a different light and am waiting for sunny warm days.
I long for time to write and think and to play.
Just a month or so left.
I am counting the days.....
but I'm not sure what it is.
I sense an overwhelming change coming tied with sadness.
I see myself in a different light and am waiting for sunny warm days.
I long for time to write and think and to play.
Just a month or so left.
I am counting the days.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)