musings, vol. xxxi

Ahh, summer, glorious summer. We are moving in to the part of summer where those who SHOULD KNOW BETTER begin taunting we teachers about having to go back to work...
"So, you ready to go back?" The conversation always starts...smirk on their face, anxiously awaiting the look of horror from me.
(OH Gosh, do I have to go back to work?? No!)
These are usually people who work all year round and take long, extended vacations to southern beaches in the middle of winter.
I have about 2 1/2 weeks, thankyouverymuch.

So have been enjoying a few things lately. Others may say I have been "obsessing" I just plain like em:

1. I'm Not There the movie and soundtrack.
Yes, it is very good. And the soundtrack of various artists (which was in my top 10 of 2007-see earlier posts near dec.-jan.) jives well with the whole premise of the movie with using a variety of actors to portray Dylan. Cate Bl. is the best. Yup.


2. Bob Dylan Chronicles, vol. 1 While discussing the movies with my parent's neighbor, I learned that his wife went to school with Dylan in Grand Rapids, MI--so he handed the book to me. Lots of good stuff in here and being a late Dylan bloomer, I am finally enjoying this man and his contribution to music and the world--a few decades too late.

#3. Buddy Miles Them Changes 1970
Yes, he once was the voice of the California Raisin, but he was also the drummer for Jimi H. back in the day. He died in Feb., and the album was brought back to the surface. Great stuff. I can't stop playing it. Which leads to...




#4. Johnny "Guitar" Watson Funk Anthology 2005
You tell me that "Superman Lover" doesn't rock...that's what I'm talking about.

#5. Running and thinking. or thinking and running--anyway, the whole detatchment of both activities while doing them is a remarkable daily ritual. I find myself wondering how my legs are still going and how far I have gone before actually realizing I was moving. Must be the creative process well at work in me. Similar to how new ideas sprout while I am taking a bath (usually in winter).



#6. My body's time clock. My clock has happily shifted to a wake up call of 7:36 a.m. Usually I have to pee, so get up and then cuddle up a for about 15 more minutes. It is a luxury that will be gone in a few weeks, so I am basking in it.

Congrats and good luck to the newlyweds and the mid-lifers who recently purchased motorcycles. I think you both have something in common...

skool daze

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what did you learn this weekend?

loneliness of the long distance runner

when I am at a place of extreme stress, sadness, anger or any other pressing emotion
I
HAVE
TO
RUN.

And by run, I mean disappear for an hour and take it out on the cinders and ash near my humble house in the small town where I live.

I don't have the lush mountain ranges or the long stretches of greene county fields that remind me of my youth and the long cross country season to get lost.

Still, between the glorious crush under my feet, and my body, hyper-extended midriff and shockras open, I find the much needed relief that only running can supply.

And finally, today, I was able to decompress as only running--not human connection--can do for me.

While visiting my parents over the much anticipated, family-centered weekend I found myself lost and alone in what it all meant and my place in the landscape, the only way I could seek refuge was to run.
and run I did.
It was probably going on three miles before my mind caught up with my body and I realized that I had been gone about an hour and needed to get back. You see I was free for what seemed like only minutes--similar to the feeling I get when swimming laps in a pool when your body and mind are in sync and no one can hurt you or make you feel like less than you are.
you are invincible and soaring high above the world, in touch with your body and each footfall, or sometimes when lost in working out a conflict or problem in life, you feel absolutely nothing.

I could have run for miles and miles on sunday morning.


Still, today, it was a struggle to move and the run did not come easy. I got past the 1 mile mark and my lungs accepted the surge of air and the tightness in my chest subsided. My legs felt like lead as I pressed on, turning up the volume and forcing my thoughts on the blackness in my heart that prompted the run in the first place.

And on good days, I overcome those woes

at least for a little while.....
until I have to walk home from the nearby cinders and ashes

and the tears, like clockwork

form and fall as I make my snotty walk of shame
back home alone.

westward HO!

vaca day 1

hi. vacations can be funny. it depends on how you take them, who you take them with, and why you take them.
i am not sure why i took this one. it sounded good in the middle of january when i was overwhelmed with work and wanted to get away from people and work.

i am in PNX AZ and it is currently 117 degrees outside. I don't think I have ever even felt 117 degrees, but let me assure you, coming from someone who likes it hot--ITS FUCKING HOT.

so here I am again--at the computer. as soon as I get done here, I am going to take a nap--fo show.

if you are like me, vacations alone as very inticing. i like the flex in a solo trip--for instance-- what is the first thing YOU would do once arriving at destination known? yes--go to the workout center and THEN the bar and finally the pool.

Had I brought a companion with me-I would be grumpy--having to skip the workout for frivilous things--like eating or something.

when i travel solo i eat the minimum requirements to survive in order to save for other things...this is something I wish i could change, actually, because apparently I am missing the local fare in each and every city whether dometstic orimport I have ever been...example:

"God the food in Paris was so incredible. The best food I have ever eaten. I must have gained at least 15 pounds there."
My thoughts--- "Are you kidding me? I don't remember the food being all that extraordinary. But the wine! The wine was awesome!"
'nough said.

Still, I miss my girl and my best pal and wish that one or both could be with me now..

I have read 2 1/2 books so far and bought another just in case. They make good bed fellows anyway....

anticipating canyon solitude

It is raining outside and for me that means it is the perfect time to be inside writing or reading..or both. ABOUT ME: I have to be outside and active when the sun is shining-- and so on days when it isn't, I don't feel guilt for staring at a computer screen for a few hours. For those who dislike humidity, heat, and sun-you probably think I am nuts. But get me outside in virtually nothing with 85+ degrees every day and I am a happy girl.

I had a wonderful time driving down south through underground railroad country. I am still enamored by the Indiana landscape and the old farms and fields that stretch for miles and miles. Sometimes you come across amazing finds--like an old Eleutherian college, or discover an old musty guitar shop and play 1955 and 1963 Gibson guitars, or best of all, go skinny dipping in the cool Clifty Falls on long slabs of rock while drinking hard cider and half hoping we get busted by a park ranger. My idea of a perfect summer day.



I have a friend that enjoys so many of the same things I do. Friends like this are rare and a real treasure. Our zest for life and thrill-seeking adventure always makes for good spontanious times...some of the best times I have had. And yesterday was definitely up there as a day well-spent. Thanks, my friend for being a true best pal.

So, the trip is fast-approaching and I am, as usual, not quite ready. Ready in terms of needing to go, yes. But before I leave for a trip, I find that if I don't do the mental prep prior to takeoff, I get anxious and have to do serious catch up on the plane.

I found a few books on the canyon and have been reading. This one book in particular, by Patricia C. McCarien called Canyon Solitude: A woman's solo river journey through Grand Canyon has been a great pre-trip read. Chapter 9 entitled "The Center", in particular struck a chord with me. I wanted to write down some of her words here:


"...If logic ruled, this moment would be pervaded with loneliness. But my loneliness has nothing to do with solitude. In solutitde, especially the solitude of nature, I am complete. Rivers, lakes, trees, rocks and grand vistas of mountains or deserts, plains, or sea, fill me with abundance. No, my loneliness always grows from disconnection: feeling undesireable or unwanted by a man I desire, feeling out of place in a particular environment, or feeling inadequate in some incomprehensible way that reminds me of my emotional vulnerability.
With sudden clarity, I realize that loneliness is the absence of love in one's life. Not idealized love, but loving oneself. I'm lonely when I'm out of harmony with myself...." p. 181, McCairen

arms open; palms out

Billy Bragg Lyrics
Someday, Some Morning, Sometime Lyrics
wow whee.
It is summer and it has been the easiest transition on record for me. Been doing lots of fun stuff and embracing my idle time. The mind is still active and contemplating big change for me and the inner work continues.

The insane flooding and storms that have left south central Indiana paralyzed have been a reminder to me that stuff is really not important. I hear talk from family and friends about basements being flooded and costing thousands of dollars, never putting stuff in cardboard boxes for storage, how much the running cost of a blower is per hour, etc. and I am glad that #1 I live on a hill and out of a flood plane and #2 that I have very little at this point to lose.
I did have yet another run in with computer bullshit-- and here's how the story goes:

After living without internet at home for a year, I decided to splurge for the summer and get it at home.
Day 1 Scheduled appt., Guy came over, tried to download antivirus package--no go. HUGE STORM knocking out power for hours. FUCK.
Day 2 turn on computer COMPUTER INFECTED WITH VIRUSES unfortnuately, the internet WON'T START
growl..i hate technology...
so, my 3rd time losing everything on the computer. LESSON LEARNED-- who cares? it's just music and files and pictures.
Make more music.
Make more memories.
Keep writing.


oh yeah--and the abigail washburn and sparrow queartet show at the bird sunday was incredible. great musicians--great music.




If you are reading this, I hope you are well. I think of you often.

I'm doing fine

Summer has finally arrived in my town-and the first three days have been some of the best ever for me.
I have my mental list of goals both personal and professional and have started to make a dent in both. My vacation is less than 2 weeks away and even though my closest friend and confidant is gone for a week, I have managed to make a few new friends and have spent the time laughing, playing, relaxing, eating and remembering what it's like to live fully.

The weather is finally warming up, giving me lots of time to run outside and I am adding to my mileage by the day. I am always amazed at how quickly I regain my sea legs after being cooped up on precors all winter long. Gots to get the swim suit bod back--and am almost there!

Getting ready to see Bela Fleck, Ben Sorrell and Abigail Washburn next weekend as well as Wilco in August, have my summer education paid for (1 grad credit) and am looking forward to writing for school again.

On the home front, plans abound starting with finishing the drywall in Lill's bathroom and installing a ceiling fan in the living room. The windows should arrive any day now and that will be a nice addition to the place.

I am binging on music these days--filling myself to the brim with new artists and old..


I love how summer time allows for so much expansive thinking and living!!
Off to Grand Canyon soon....

may day

Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's on with the jeans, the jacket and shirt
How'd I end up feeing so bad
For such a little girl

And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
Las cienega just smiled... "see ya around"
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
La cienega just smiles as it waves goodbye

"Ah the night... here it comes again"
It's off with the jeans, the jacket and the shirt
How'd I end up feeling so bad
For such a little girl
And I hold you close in the back of my mind
Feels so good but damn it makes me hurt
And I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now
How I feel about you now
La cienega just smiles and says, I'll see you around" ryan adams

I woke with a start this morning. It was about 2:10am. For the next two hours, while my girl slept next to me, my thoughts drifted from topic to topic. It's May day.
I used to love May--warm temps, school winding down, outside recreation, and the city was mine again. But the last two years, it has been a struggle. I hate that mid-may also marks the anniversary of the end to several important relationships for me.
Last year I tried to start fresh with also signing the papers to my own home on the week of the same. The dealings of moving, painting, remodeling and the loose ends of the entire production took the focus away from the pain from year's past when I signed those divorce papers.

So we move on...and as the hours passed last night, I realized how sad and lonely I have been this year. Just like a low grade fever that keeps you slightly off, I have felt this way for months and months.
I can count on one hand the times I felt happy. Not blissful. But content with things. Was this a direct reflection of how I felt about myself? Was it circumstantial? Had I been holding on to something I knew was transatory but not allowing myself to digest it?

It has made me angry. bitter. resentful. totally untrusting of everyone. hateful. pissed off. cynical. jaded. done. I am hurt. I am done.

And now the words that Clint used to utter while drinking his vodka tonic in a mason jar ring clearly in my ears--moreso now than ever: all relationships are doomed.
Maybe the wounds are still fresh and I am just ridiculously emotional. Maybe the collected days and months of burying feelings have finally found their way to the surface. I don't know. I just know I don't like the way I am feeling. And it has to stop now.

I am so looking forward to getting out of this holding pattern that has been my life. In a matter of weeks I hope to transform from a stupid crysalysis into a butterfly and man, I am gonna fly fly away.

weekend musings

He was too good to me.
How will I get along now?
So close he stood to me.
Everything seems all wrong now.
He would have brought me the sun.
Making me smile, that was his fun.

When I was mean to him
He'd never say, "Go away, now."
I was a queen to him.
Who's gonna light my way now?
It's only natural that I'm blue.
He was too good to be true.

spring flower

lilly

life is good: a cautionary tale

I have lots to say. Unfortunately, as it goes, I only have about 10 minutes to say it. So this will require tweaking. This song brought clarity on my long drive, so I listened to it while writing as well. Ironically, the video itself scans NY city and all its hidden beauty and ugliness. No wonder I thought it appropriate for this piece of writing. "Green Arrow"



Like so many that must stop to eat, or sleep, I find myself unable to continue when thoughts have been brewing and need to surface. They fester while driving in city traffic at 4-way stops and lights, they stew in rural settings while battling the other lane traffic driving way too fast.

Still, the thoughts linger and grow, or bloom and grow as in the lovely "edelweiss". The best ones are recorded here.

In my childhood while leaving a beautiful oasis and clear to me that I would never be returning, I made an effort to take in those last few details--sights and smells mostly--before departing for good. As I grew older, these kinds of situations happened more and more frequently--visiting different countries, friends from far away, even visitations or funerals for loved ones--these places, objects, and faces left an imprint on my memory and remain to this day.
As the gift of writing exposed its wretched head, I reminded myself (as my mother continues to do..) that it was my duty to record these memories in some written form for others to see but more for a keepsake for myself-- as a photograph captured in time.

This is one of those times.

As I mentioned leaving a place that one realizes will be their last visit marks a memory and in my case never returning requires a longer gaze, a keen eye for detail and an almost inevitable don't-look-back-emotional quality. I often say, "this will make great fodder for a book," it will not so much be fodder, but what seems to be real life for me. Humor can most always be found hinged to tragedy in some way. Ask Chekhov if you don't believe me.

Anyway, I don't mean this to be dramatic. It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

No denying it, over the past four years I have built up a tolerance to beginning and abrupt endings; and have lost (for the most part) the necessity for attaching my "self" to people or things and living distanced from too much intimacy. Not intimacy as an amourous act or even relationship so much as the closeness of others and letting people in.
I am currrently reading a book that seems to stress these themes-- Love in the Time of Cholera (Spanish: ''El amor en los tiempos del cólera'', 1985) is a novel by Gabriel García Márquez about a fifty-year love triangle between Fermina Daza, Florentino Ariza, and Doctor Juvenal Urbino set in the late 19th century and the first decades of the 20th century (roughly 1880 to 1930). The novel, a tale of unrequited love, explores the idea that suffering for love is a kind of nobility.

As many can attest, if the bitter wind of love rips you once, even twice, one
learns to exercise caution from then on. But losing someone slowly whether to circumstance or illness or age, carrying it on over long periods....these things are even more difficult to endure.....

So letting go and trying to burn an image of a day spent, a place explored, a grassy meadow, a quarry, a playground, a ravine--the fragrance in the air, the placement of the sun and clouds, the gate of a child, the sad eyes of a tired friend, the green water in mason jars holding bright yellow mustard plants, the hearts taped to the love nest, the eagle--no hawk-- soaring low look for its prey, the bliss in a child's eyes upon eating the sweet, the lovely arrangement of lilacs and hydrangas lovingly picked for a spouse set next to her place at the table, the trembling hand of an elder clutching a purple vase, the careless way books are loved and stored, the beauty of springtime, the grim look upon a loved ones face receiving bad news, the trail of crumbs left from a child, the celebratory wine glasses left from the evening before, the dried dandy lion presented with earnest after doing a bad thing, the plough-plop of rocks tossed in a creek bed, the pileup of shoes scattered next to a nearby doorway.... the sound of gravel bouncing off the wheel chambers of my car as I drive away for the last time.





I

"only a dream"

only a dream
that i had
in the night

only a dream
but it felt
so right

well i was down there
in the moonlight
i was holding you tight

but it was only a dream
only a dream

only a dream
that knocks me off my feet

only a dream
have you dancing
in the street

and that big band
keeps on playing
joe henry's retreat

but only a dream
only in my dream

only a dream
but somebody tried to knock me down

only a dream
keeps on hanging around

only a dream
we're rolling in the snow

only a dream
we just couldn't let go

i sit outside your window
just like romeo
but it's only a dream
yes, only a dream

but someone tries to knock me down
to the ground
but it was only a dream
but it's just a dream
still hanging around.