canoedooling on the Blue River

"Il bel far niente"

(the beauty of doing nothing...)
Ah summer. I am sitting in soma after sleeping until 745 and listening to BBC news. I am half way through a book I started Saturday called Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. She is still in Italy.
I will be in Italy soon. So soon I can taste it. Yesterday I watched Tea with Mussilni and did some searching around the Roma maps. Liz is getting me prepared far better than I expected,with her candid tales of food, Italian phrases and places. The book is so wonderful and speaks to me and my current state of life.

One segment of the book talked about various phrases that share various meanings, like our American "I've been there" to mean the same thing as I understand what you are going through, I have experienced that as well. The Italian phrase I really liked was this one: Attraversiamo which literally means "let's cross over." Wishing I could say that to a few people that are no longer within communication shot of me. I would like to make good and cross over with them..... so if you are reading this--Attraversiamo, my old friend, attraversiamo.


Thanks to all my connected musical friends, I have plenty of great new music: bootleg live Decemberists from various concerts, the new Iron and Wine (quoted last post) , The New Poronographers, Bishop Allen, Beruit, and and and...the live Wilco
http://jtfdzn.zenfolio.com/p182366327/ from the very concert I attended in Indy.How embarassing to hear yourself screaming (and very clearly) on a live recording. Still, I was there and you can hear it. God, what a great show that was!

Lots to do today but I am putting it off...and the canoe trip is tomorrow. Yay!

Hope you are well, wherever you may be and whatever you are doing. Ciao.

pagan angel and a borrowed car

love was a promise made of smoke
in a frozen corpse of trees
a bone cold and older than our bodies
slowly floating in the sea
Iron and Wine The Shepherd's Dog

I remember you
shaded from the moon's glow by that enormous tree.
Our shapes were undetectable by all others
it was romantic for me
for you, primal
as we howled at the new summer moon.

Gotta love Mercury retrograde, huh?
I just feel off kilter and cranky. And I am sick in the high heart. Ah, delicious compassion!
****
BUT
He is soothing
like cool cool waters
his eyes like Iron and Blue torquise
like a smooth, dusty fossil.

I was looking down
and there he was.

There was love.

byran park poolside

my girl, she is amazing!

bowsunbelle

And under the bowsunbelle
I'll hold in the snowy shroud
She had no heart so hardened
All under the bowsunbelle

Been a glorious day of summer here in sunny, USA.
Been several glorious ays, actually.

Things especially happy:
*how all my senses have been heightened with my latest runs. I smile with the power in my form, pace and breath, the distinct sound and smell that greet me as the breeze whips through the long-needle evergreens and the chunka-chip repetition as my new shoes hit the cinders. Glorious.

*waking up with my daughter next to me-laughing and smiling. "Tell me a story," she said today not wanting to get out of the bed. I feel pangs of guilt as I drop her off at daycare, o I can get in some much-needed writing and bill-paying done.

*the sounds, smells and colours of the forest as seen Monday afternoon. I stopped to pick native flowers and enjoyed the fragrances, the delicate blossoms, each bug that accompanied them all...

I don't mind not being a hero. In fact, I was thinking how much closeness makes me wanna bolt. But today--being on my own I bask bask bask in my solo mio ness.
and tonight, I will make my dinner, eat well, read well, and sleep well. solo mio.

Her grey sky with bitter skin
A rain cloud rain on me
All out behind horizon, oh
A grey sky of bitter skin

And I will hang my head, hang my head low
And I will hang my head, hang my head low

blind faith

You are the reason I've been waiting so long. Somebody holds the key.

sunday summer. summer sumday sunday.
I love sundays in the summer.

so I have eased into the lazy days of no schedule way too easily this year. I think the surgery had something to do with it, honestly.

My sister called and asked, "what have you been doing?"
"I have no idea."

and that is fine by me.


if you are reading this right now, this smile is for you.
poo poo la la.

"either way" monday a.m.

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won't feel so afraid
I will try to understand
Either way

Maybe you still love me
Maybe you don't
Either you will or you won't
Maybe you just need some time alone
I will try to understand
Everything has its plan
Either way
I'm gonna stay
Right for you
fm. "either way" Blue Sky Blue Wilco

Spent a lot of time with BLUE SKY this weekend.
lots of good things happening on it. I am looking forward to the show in a few weeks. Can't wait, actually! I heard a live version of the recent tour on FB Saturday morning. Here's more:

But this is what love is for
To be out of place
Gorgeous and alone
Face to face
fm. "Impossible Germany"

So glad for my local and celly friends this weekend to talk shop and laugh awhile. Keeps me upright. Thanks for that. Too bad some of you live so far away. Hung out with the ex-in-laws (is that strange?) for a bit this weekend too. It felt like nothing had changed; not a day had passed. It was comforting. Glad I kept the name, anyway. And I am pretty damn happy my ex still considers me his best friend. Gues that is a good thing. Even if he does teach my daughter about wedgies....

and finally, from "You are My Face"

I have no idea how this happens
All of my maps have been overthrown
Happenstance has changed my plans
So many times my heart has been outgrown
Now everybody's feeling all alone
Can't tell you who I am
When everybody's feeling all alone
Can't tell you who I am

Not sure what I am feeling. Today is numb. Better than sad. Still here I am.
And will remain. Keep the lyrics coming Tweed. As they are speaking volumes to me.

beginnings and endings

Girl Sailor is one of my favorite songs from the new Shins album. I played it yesterday on the radio, and sat listening closely with headphones to the lyrics. Portland or not, this guy can write lyrics. Maybe its something about the sea air. Must give clarity. Here in the landlocked heartland, I feel less mutable. Way too condensed.

So, it is the last day of work for me for a few months. I always have trouble on this day. I think I write the same damn thing every year...
After 230 when I turn off the lights, lock the door and walk down the quiet hallway by myself to my car....what then? It is frightening. I am terrified for a few days-- certain that I am supposed to be somewhere. Yet, the possibilities are endless and I have trouble knowing which choice to make.

The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of
You out there for rent

Sadly, I seem to keep making the wrong ones.

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,

You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you wont win here tonight,

So the house is bought, painted and moved in. Next week its health issues and surgery and the Living Will. Then continuing education stuff the week after. I need to start making some choices and stop dragging my feet. I am trying to give myself some credit for handling all of this solo--still isn't that what everyone does?

You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,

And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,

I should be looking ahead with excitement to the Eurpoe trip. I just can't wrap my head around the idea yet. Perhaps when I am under the knife I will dream of it vividly. I suppose I am feeling jaded, unsatisfied, unchallenged and uncomfortable in my own skin. Not the best combination. I think I mask too many feelings with anger. It was an old Freud concept--using anger as a smoke screen for the real truth. What is my real inner truth?

ok--got to get back to grading...... then on to new beginnings--new faces and places. godspeed!

But, you've won one too many fights,
Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time.

art and nature collide

enjoy!

mother-daughter

Jackson Brown

Jackson Brown is not given enough credit for his lyrics. While moving this weekend, I dug out a few of his old albums and found myself standing in the midst of a pile of memories while his steely voice echoed something from the other room.

I sobbed until the snot ran down into my mouth--and didn't even care.

Today is the one-year anniversary of my divorce being finalized. I remember taking that Friday off to do it. I guess it is appropriate that I chose yesterday to be the big move day. I will think about this day each year as a time of renewal, growth and change.


Between a life that we expected
And the way it's always been
I can't walk back in again
After the way we fight
When just outside there are people laughing
Living lives we used to lead
Chasing down the love they need
Somewhere in the night

Tender is the night
And the benediction of the neon light
Tender are the hunters, tender is the night

You're gonna want me tonight
When you're ready to surrender
Forget about who's right
When you're ready to remember
It's another world at night
When you're ready to be tender

And in the hard light of an angry sun
No one remembers what was said or done
Tender are the words they choose
You win, I win, we lose

Tender
Tender is the night
Tender
The benediction of the neon light
Tender
Tender are the hunters
Tender is the night
When they hold each other tight
Tender
Tender are the undercover
Tender
The stranger and the secret lover
Tender
Tender are the motions
Tender is the night
When you hold your baby tight

"Impossible Germany"

Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan
Wherever you go
Wherever you land

I'll say what this means to me
I'll do what I can
Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan

Fundamental problem
All need to face
This is important
But I know you're not listening
No I know you're not listening

This was still new to me
I wouldn't understand
Impossible Germany
Unlikely Japan
This is what love is for
To be out of place
Gorgeous and alone
Face to face

With no larger problems
That need to be erased
Nothing more important
Than to know someone's listening
Now I know you'll be listening

Great song off the new Wilco Blue Sky Blue
album comes out May 15.


she reminds me of me at age 4. Mom used to say she wanted to put me in a bottle and keep me when I was that age. That has always bothered me. Still, I understand her sentiment. Lilly is amazing.

As is the rest of my life--amazing and private and wonderful. Today was the best day off I have spent in years.
If you are part of my life, you know how delicious and beautiful and full it is.

Thank you --thank you for being part of it.

reckless abandon

Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn & John

if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you





usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one would surprise me unless you do

i can tell there's something goin' on
hours seem to disappear
everyone is leaving i'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do
where we are going to
we can stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

Been spending great times in great locales in great company.
Life is Beautiful.