day 6

My angel I promised her we'd be dressed in a cloud
Standing on pillars on fire singing out loud
Shot from truth and love, not darkness
With the moon under your feet
Where birth goes on and rides terror
My shine will be complete

With your fire your fire
My tremolo
You're my fire

Every so softly it grows when you don't wear your armor
Crushing the burden and confusion sour
Trembling high on every leaf
Raining light down on your belief
Oh my angel unburdened by the race
I'll go down burning in your embrace

On fire, on fire
My tremolo
You're my fire

Don't take away my shine
My shine is all I have
My heat, my love, my beauty and my glad
It worries me sometimes that I want love
And live a life of sad

My tremolo
Sweet baby, my fire
My desire, fire

Thanks to Lent I have some excuses for restructuring my habits and new changes in life. Easter is not far away, but come mid-March I will be well on my way to changing these patterns and will not feel the way I do now. Fortunately I am used to giving up vices and although at first it is difficult, I am familiar with the feelings and can adapt/adjust quicker than I used to. I can sew it up, slam it closed, replace it, return it, burn it off, run it down, lock it up, repress it, deny it happened, breathe it in and out again...

I started The Sun Also Rises today after a reference made in another book I am currenly reading. Hemmingway has a way of pulling me in-- and fast.
Happily I gave up my plans for the evening to read and plan.

Doing a lot of planning lately.

It's not a happy time for me...Not a happy few years.
But it will be.
It's not a joyful time, to say the least.

But apparently I have more evolving to do. Still have not learned my lesson.

I do have one thing going for me:


Indeed. She's all I need.

"san juan"

Make me see a whole new way
Make me see the new day, the new day, the new day
Make me be, make me be, make me be a whole new way
Meet me in San Juan, baby I'll be true
Whisper sweet everything to you
Yellow cactus rose
Cotton blown by wind
Beaten brown hands, perfect skin, perfect skin
In San Juan, I don't wanna know, all the reasons why you gotta go
In San Juan
Meet me in San Juan
Where nobody has and everybody gives
There's no sad where death lives
I see your love, I see your love
Baby I'll be true
Yes, I'll be true for your love, for your love, for your love, love

This one is for you.

it's me...

drawn/painted by one of my most favorite students of all time, Miss AKA
And since I am here, in other news,
Life is good.

I received the foundation grant I applied for and now am busy at work on the details.

And spring is fast approaching. The birds (or some of them) are back and singing in the mornings. And the sunrises have been lovely.

and off to Turkey this summer, I hope?

"the lost thing"

I am.
Marie Antoinette. Oscar Wilde.
I am a rock.
Eve Elsner. Kurt Kobaine.

I am a lost thing.

I should warn you
When I'm not well
I can't tell
Oh, there's nothing I can do
To make this easier for you

You're gonna need to be patient with me

I'm this apple, this happening stone
When I'm alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we've discussed
It doesn't mean that I don't care
It means I'm partially there

seems like old times

happy valentine's day

So I'm a day early. Who cares.
I was watching Annie Hall again last night (best movie ever). I am always taken by Diane Keaton's musical number--especially the second time she sings it. Says a lot about relationships, friends and life.

My funny valentine, this one's for you:

Seems like old times, having you to walk with
Seems like old times, having you to talk with
And it's still a thrill just to have my arms around you
Still the thrill that it was the day I found you

Seems like old times, dinner dates and flowers
Just like old times, staying up for hours
Making dreams come true, doing things we used to do
Seems like old times being here with you

trouble...and I like it

We’re so precarious with semantics
I think this could be trouble
I think it’s trouble honey
I think it’s good
If you came to make trouble
Make me a double honey
I think it’s good

What may seem complicated
Is overstated downright misunderstood
Love will not be outdated
Maybe placated but it’s got to be good
We’re far too serious
I think we could be
Such nefarious pyromantics

GIANT UPSET

Way to go
GIANTS!
Gotta love those Manning brothers...

and me in 1986 and 1987. Wow.

Clenched Soul

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

*****

Last night as the wind was howling outside
And I thought my shingles were going to fly off the roof,
My car tip over and the screens fly off,
I tried hard to think of things I enjoy.
Instead of dwelling on being cold in my bed
Scared and alone,
The quiet of the house and the ticking of the clock
My only company.

I tried not to think of others who
Have someone to go home to
Who are welcomed
And waited up for…
Who are missed and wanted and needed.
Their kisses warm and soft skin and smell like a familiar blanket.

Still, as I turned out the light
I could warm myself with the thought
That I can survive on my own
By myself.
I can make it and am strong enough
I can do this life by myself.

But who wants to?
Not much of an exchange for companionship
or happiness
or honesty
or anything that truly matters.


So there is
Summertime
Solitude
The smell of the earth in springtime
Warm days and cool water
Hard work and a cold beer
Traveling to far away places after earning your way
Paying off bills that you worked for yourself
230 pm on the last day of school
The promise of love
The promise of love
The promise of love
The promise of love

most unusual girl

This is the most unusual story
of a most unusual girl
She's the paint in my picture
of a most unusual world

She can crawl out a frame
while she's hanging on the wall
And she's calling my name
she's not so usual

She's most unusual
Shes not so usual
She's so unusual

She's mostly a ghost
the way she watches over me
She complains when I smoke
but then you do the same to me

She's controlling my brain activity
knowing when I go to sleep
She'll catch me when I'm falling hard
she's so unusual

*****
She's not so
hooked on the drugs like I thought she was
And never suckin' on the lime and hardly sippin' on the wine
And despite
of her bi-polar roller coastering
I think I can trust she'll keep me singing differently

And that's fine
'Cause she's with me now most all of the time

Trying and savin' the light
Thinking not of her own
And always kissing me goodnight
When I just need to be alone
She's so sweet
So discrete
-She's exactly what I need
Not even make believe...

she's not so usual...

She's so unusual
She's not so usual
So unusual

Oh, Not so usual
and not too practical either,

What's that, she's
not so mystical
but not too magical neither,

I said she's
not so out of control
and not so used to the full

kaisen

Sunday morning, praise the dawning
It's just a restless feeling by my side
Early dawning, Sunday morning
It's just the wasted years so close behind
Watch out, the world's behind you
There's always someone around you who will call
It's nothing at all
Lou Reed

Ahh. 40 degrees rising and the fog lifts here in lovely Bloomington. The sun is shining and the snow is melting. Yay.

I stopped by my favorite flower shop, Mike was there with the chewed-up cigar hanging out of the side of his mouth,
"Where you been, little lady? Life treating you good?"
He asks while wrapping up my tulips. I cringe at the grammar but smile at his sincerity. God, I love Hoosiers.

He explains how the tulips will grow once you get them home and with a twinkle in is eye says that spring will be here in about 8 weeks. Along with the promise of spring and flowers, he prods me about my love life.
"Well, obviously if I am buying the flowers---," I trail off.
He shakes is head and smiles as I pay the bill, he says with a wink,
"Come back more often. We like seeing ya."
I promise I will try.

I spent well over 3 hours talking to the guys down at the coffee shop, Pat M. one of my favorites, and Eric a math genius who teaches quantum-numbers-and-theories at university. Grumpy Tom is there, who swears like a sailor but has a soft spot for little girls and then there is Doctoral Tim 'music man' B. Rounding out the table of course, the romantic Dave T with a different woman clinging to his side every time I see him. It always makes for interesting, eclectic morning conversation.

I spent most of my time talking to Eric about dreams-- we share lots of problems with thinking and loss of sleep. We are both nervous types. We discuss the motivation behind exercise and the metal game required to do triathlons and play golf. We both vow to pick up golf again come spring.

Father Pat clicks his tongue, praising my dedication to the gym but asking if I made it to church this morning. "This is my soul food today," I say.
And soul food it was...just what I needed.


The warm weather picks-me-up as I am thinking about a grant for a special project I am formulating for the spring. I am collaborating with a cool old broad who pushes me. Am also getting the wanderlust again--so will need to decide whether I want to travel this summer or landscape my yard.

I think both are possible.

Anything is possible this Sunday morning.
Anything is possible....

age of aquarius

Shadow in my heart
Is tearing me apart
Or maybe it's just something
In my stars

There's a hole
In my life
There's a hole
In my life

Be a happy man
I try the best I can
Or maybe I'm just looking
For too much
"hole in my life"
Police

Pulled out this old album today. one of my favorites.
got me through tough times.

feeling grumpy as of late. think it has something to do with january.

october-january-april
are shit months for me.

soooooooobeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaappppppppyyyyyyyyyyyy.

ptttthht!

musings

I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need
Why should I autograph the book
That you won’t even read
I’ve got a different scar for every song
And blood left still to bleed
But I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around
I love to laugh but I’m more than just
Your alcoholic clown
I won’t pray this prayer with you
Unless we both kneel down
I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around

Come on lighten up
Let me fill your cup
I’m just trying to imagine a situation
Where we might have a real conversation

But I don’t wanna waste the words
That you don’t seem to need
When it comes to wanting what’s real
There’s no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

"don't want to waste your time"
Over The Rhine
Trumpet Child

Well, it's 2008. Happy 2008.
It's been awhile.
No new resolutions I want to share.
Not feeling like sharing much these days,
I don't play well with others,
And I have been known to run with scissors.

The town has been a little down since Evan left us. I didn't go to the gatherings but had every intention to do so. Something about January just takes the motivation right out of me.

Lately I have been feeling down about hurting other people. I feel sad that I have hurt others in a way they have to heal and grieve and mourn and start over again. I don't like that.

Been thinking about the people who have hurt me too. The pain has subsided, but you know, the scars are still there. Some irrepairable damage done too. Paralyzing in fact. And each time it happens, I become less caring, less willing, less open to possibility--more jaded and guarded.

And still, I don't like the fact that I am getting older and am by myself. There are times when having someone around would make a difference. I often feel unprotected and frightened. And no amount of self-defense -- physical or mental-- will do in those situations.
There are things I want to do but find that doing them solo is just-not-quite-the-same- I dunno.

Emotional attachment is a sticky thing. Is it worth the hassle? Is it worth the risk of knowing that person too might leave? Or to realise they are not for you and have to inflict that sort of loss on someone else?


I resign myself.

ELIZABETHTOWN "long ride home"

Long black limousine
Shiniest car I've ever seen
The back seat is nice and clean
She rides as quiet as a dream
Someone dug a hole six long feet in the ground
I said goodbye to you and I threw my roses down
Ain't nothing left at all in the end of being proud
With me riding in this car, and you flying through the clouds

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

One day I took your tiny hand
Put your finger in the wedding band
Your daddy gave a piece of land
We laid ourselves the best of plans
Forty years go by with someone laying in your bed
Forty years of things you say you wish you'd never said
How hard would it have been to say some kinder words instead
I wonder as I stare up at the sky turning red

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long ride home

Headlights staring at the driveway
The house is dark as it can be
I go inside and all is silent
It seems as empty as the inside of me

I've had some time to think about you
And watch the sun set like a stone
I've had some time to think about you
On the long, on the long
Oh the long, on the long
On the long ride home

Thinking of you today.