charlie parker

said- if you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn.

And today I was reminded how pitiful my writing is. As in acting, one can never fully reach perfection.

The first day of the school year ended without a hitch. My classes, although too early to tell, seem relatively well-mannered. I am the one who gets a little manic when up in front. I know that I spoke more today than I have in three months; since the last day of school at my music stand.

Today I am feeling vulnerable and ridiculous. It is the shame that lingers--a deep penetrating shame that turns to self-loathing and bottoms out into destructive tendencies. The past, no matter how insignificant today, still haunts me. Lost time (and pride) but many lessons learned. So why does it seem like I am right back where I started?